Week number two on the Highway To Ham. Last week, I went a respectable 8-6, raising my yearly record to 59-54. I’m three games out of first place in my not-for-profit office poll but still kicking Dan Marino’s ass in the “Beat the Hosts” segment.
Last week, despite writing approximately 3,000 words, I forgot to mention something. As Adam astutely pointed out, I didn’t pick the Pittsburgh game. We never pick Steeler games around here. We used to but every person in our poll picked them to win every week so now we just declare it a push.
On to the Highway:
Atlanta over Carolina – Atlanta DT Jonathan Babineaux was cleared Wednesday of a felony animal cruelty charge where he dragged his girlfriend’s pit bull around in circles by the neck until it died. Pfft. Everybody except Michael Vick knows you get a three or four dog mulligan down in Georgia. Things are clearly looking up for Atlanta.
Kansas City over Denver – Denver’s defense is banged up and their itty bitty D-line is getting gashed on a weekly basis. I hope they’re given their Last Rites by Priest Holmes. I’m not just saying that because he was an uber-cheap pick up in my fantasy league; I’m also a sucker for comebacks and this is one of the feel-good stories of the year.
Buffalo over Miami - Legendary Miami coach Don Shula said the Patriots’ accomplishments were “tainted” by the videotaping scandal. Miami LB Zach Thomas will miss this week’s game due to recurring migraines, the result of a fender bender with a Patriots fan a few weeks ago. Coincidence? I think not. Better pipe down old man, because Belicheat isn’t above having somebody take out a knee over a game of shuffleboard.
Minnesota over Green Bay – Last week, I said San Diego had a good defense and Adrian Peterson wasn’t going to have a good game. This is like President Bush calling his plan to occupy Iraq, overhaul their government, revamp their culture, and bring back the troops in less than two years “a slight miscalculation.” I thought AP was a very good player. I did not realize he was the Viking God of the Rush.
New Orleans over St. Louis – New Orleans has totally turned things around since the bye week, mostly because the Saints have started to throw the ball deep instead of just dumping it off to Reggie Bush and expecting him to jitterbug his way down the field.
Jacksonville over Tennessee - The Quinn Gray Era ends, not with a bang, but a whimper. Vince Young continues to do his best Kordell Stewart impersonation. All he needs is to get caught in a parked car with a “friend” at three A.M. and the transformation will become complete.
Washington over Philadelphia – Philly is thinking about changing their motto from “City of Brotherly Love” to “City of Brothers on Smack” in honor of the Reid Boys. Maybe while they’re in Washington, Andy can seek counsel from former mayor Marion Berry. He’s living proof that repeated drug busts don’t necessarily ruin your plans for the future.
Cincinnati over Baltimore – Bungles WR Chris Henry plays his first game of the season this week. Cincinnati should improve over the next couple weeks as more and more of their criminals get back on the field.
Detroit over Arizona – Does anybody still wish we would’ve hired Wisenhunt as our head coach? Anybody?
Oakland over Chicago – The honeymoon with Brian Griese is over as the Bears are rapidly approaching Wannstedt-era level incompetence, but with the extra heartbreak of it happening with players who are actually good. I dunno, though, the Bears being a 5-11 team again just feels so right. It’s like… Coming home.
NY Football Giants over Dallas – Tony Romo celebrated his brand new 6 year/$67 million contract by getting a lap dance from free-ballin’ pop tart, Britney Spears. Fantasy alert: Expect the itching and burning sensations he’ll be feeling in his crotch to throw him off his game.
Indianapolis over San Diego – The turning point in the game last week was when Indy S Bob Sanders left the game with an injury. Hey Bob, you might not get injured as often if you weren’t trying to spear somebody on every play. Watching Joseph Addai teabag the Patriots D was a thing of beauty, though. I predict additional mushroom stamps for the Chargers D to match the ones AP left all over them last week.