I was having a pretty good day yesterday. I was strutting through Ross Park Mall when this really attractive woman complimented me on my “distinctly non-Emo” hair style. Then I found this really sweet pair of checkered Vans on sale at the Foot Locker. When I got home, my mom had just made a batch of totally awesome cookies which were still warm because they just came out of the oven. Everything was going my way.
Then I opened up the newspaper. I wanted to know what the current point spread in the New England-Pittsburgh game was. And there went my day, down in flames, due to three big, ugly, bold letters. OFF. Those clowns in Vegas pulled the game off the books! I guess they don’t think the Steelers have a chance. Well, here are five reasons why they’re wrong:
#5: The Patriots Eat Our Leftovers
You see, a long long time ago, the Steelers drafted Vrabel and spent years grooming him and Jason Gildon as the linebacking heir apparents to Greg Lloyd and Kevin Greene. Gildon lived up to his part of the bargain.
Vrabel? The only sacks he got were when he went into Giant Eagle for a six pack and box of donuts. He spent one season as our starting outside linebacker and not only didn’t he bring down the quarterback, he was pancaked so often they should’ve changed the name on the back of his jersey to Aunt Jermima. After that season we let him go and New England eagerly snapped him up. You’re welcome, Patriots.
#4: Mike Tomlin is a bad motherfu…shut yo’ mouth!
Mike Tomlin is the coolest coach in the history of coaching. Seriously, look at the dude. He looks like he could toss off his headset and step in to the latest remake of “Shaft” without skipping a beat. And the coolest thing about Tomlin is he’s cool without even trying to be cool. Now whether or not he’s a sex machine to all the chicks, I can’t say, but a damn fine football coach (and snazzy dresser) he is for sure.
#3: Tom Brady Is One Helluva Quarterback. Too Bad He’s Also One Helluva Prick.
Ben Roethlisberger dated uber-hot golfstress Natalie Gulbis, partied with Meadow Soprano, and starred in a country-western video by the Poverty Neck Hillbillies.
What has Tom Brady done? Impregnate his D-list actress girlfriend? Spend his entire bye week humping some anorexic Brazilian supermodel named Giselle? Shoot foofy pictures for People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue?
Look, there are two kinds of jocks. There are the chill, laid-back, just-one-of-the-guys jocks who’ll drink a brewski, ride ATVs (or in this case, motorcycles), and do keg stands with you. That’s Ben. Then there are the egotistical jocks who’ll only drink prissy little wine coolers, date the Prom Queen, and think it’s hilarious to shove the sensitive geeky kid into his locker every day for the first two years of high school. That’s Tom Brady.
And as anybody who has ever seen a John Hughes movie knows, the arrogant prick jock always gets his comeuppance in the end.
#2: Steeler Nation Is Good, Patriot Nation Is Evil
Does anybody outside of New England truly like the Patriots? I mean truly? Sure, you can walk around Tampa or Wichita or Kuala Lumpur and see obnoxious frat boys wearing Patriot hats askew. But years ago, when the Chicago Bulls were winning all their championships, I couldn’t cross the street without seeing somebody wearing Bulls paraphernalia. Today? Nothing. Nada. I don’t even think the people in Chicago wear Bulls apparel anymore. I’m shocked the emergency rooms in this country didn’t overflow from all the sprained ankles which resulted when people jumped off the bandwagon.
And that’s what will happen to the Patriots. Sure you see people with Patriot hats or Patriot bumper stickers or Patriot t-shirts but they’re just riding the bandwagon. They don’t REALLY like the Patriots any more than they liked the Bulls or they liked the Yankees a few years back.
Steeler Nation? Now that’s for real. Whenever the Steelers have a road game, there’s always a sea of black & gold in the stands. Whenever I used to travel to another city, as soon as I said I was from Pittsburgh, the first thing they’d invariably say was, “I love the Steelers!” Anybody remember a few years ago Indianapolis got busted for pumping in fake crowd noise during a Steelers-Colts Monday Night game? Know why they were pumping in fake noise? Because they were afraid the Steeler fans would drown out their fans in THEIR OWN BUILDING.
#1: Five Rings, No Cheating
The Steelers won four Super Bowls and left behind a legacy as the greatest team in the history of the NFL. The Patriots won three Super Bowls and leave behind a legacy as the dirtiest rotten scoundrels ever to lace up a pair of cleats. I mean, really, Peepin’ Bill Belichick and his Magical Zoom Lense of Doom are one thing but let’s put Spygate aside for a minute and look at some of their other “controversies.” They won their first title thanks to the infamous “Tuck Rule” call which was a gift of Andrew Carnegie proportions. On the road to their second title, they defeated the Indianapolis Colts at home when the speedy Colts team was bogged down by New England’s swamp-like field conditions. Some say that was an act of nature, I think there may have been some Bull Durham-esque shenanigans going on.
And what about Spygate? If Belichick would spy on the lowly Jets, why wouldn’t he spy on Indianapolis when home field advantage was at stake? Why not spy on the Steelers during the AFC Championship game? Why not pull out all the stops in the Super Bowl against the Eagles, a game they only won by three points? I hope the Patriot cheerleaders change before they arrive at the stadium because I’d be surprised if Belichick isn’t spying on them, too.
Since we all know cheaters never win and winners never cheat (except in baseball and the Olympics), there can only be one winner on Sunday and it’s not going to be the team whose fans don’t know how to pronounce the letter R.
Tags: Belichick Brady Bulls Colts Emo Giselle New England New England Patriots Patriots Pittsburgh Pittsburgh Steelers Poverty Neck Hillibillies Roethlisberger Satan Soprano Spygate Steelers Super Bowl Vans Vrabel