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Chad Johnson Needs Help
Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson spent the summer throwing a hissy fit. FIrst, he wanted more money. Then he wanted traded. When both plans failed, he implemented Operation Randy Moss whereby he evidently intends to suck this season in hopes the Bungles will think he’s washed up and get rid of him for practically nothing. When he’s wearing Eagle green or Washington Maroon next season, remember you heard it here first.
Now, being the attention-seeking buffoon that Chad is, he can’t simply follow his plan and fade from the limelight for one measly year. Nope. Since he’s not catching TDs, he needed some other gimmick to make people notice him. So what did he do?
He legally changed his last name to “Ocho Cinco.” Unfortunately, the NFL hasn’t let him wear it on the back of his uniform just yet because they have a deal with Reebok who doesn’t want to eat the cost of thousands hundreds dozens of obsolete jerseys. Really, is Bengal paraphernalia that in demand? How much money would they truly be losing if they gave them all to poor kids in Zimbabwe? The only people who’d care to buy a Cincinnati jersey are people who live in Cincinnati and even then they’d be embarassed to wear it.
In any case, since the name change hasn’t been officially sanctioned by the NFL yet, there is still time to come up with something better. I mean, there has to be a catchier nickname than your uniform number, right? So, Mr. Cinco, I humbly propose the following alternate names for your consideration:
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Your argument would have been much more powerful and more well received if only you knew how to spell Cincinnati.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:47 amI apologize to Bengal Nation, all six of you. I actually did that on purpose to prevent bored Bengal fans from stumbling upon my page through some random google search. I learned my lesson when I was overrun by mutants from Phillydelphia. Thank you for visiting my site once again. I admire your perseverance in the face of certain doom.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:51 amCinnsinnatty is irrelevant anyway. Who cares?
October 16th, 2008 at 1:52 pm[...] We aren't going to abide any talk of a "trap game" here, because the Bengals are as bad of a football team as can be right now. Big Ben, whom you may have heard has never lost in Ohio is not going to have that streak broken by this band of palookas, especially not a team led by Ryan Fitzpatrick. Fitzpatrick is a Harvard grad, and could probably smoke Big Ben in a spelling contest — it was even rumored that Fitzpatrick got a perfect score on the Wonderlic test, though that's been debunked (see what you'd get) — but on the gridiron? Fail. Add to that a running attack led by uber-failure Cedric Benson, and mopey Chad Funfunachtzig, who's act has gone from harmless and entertaining to T.O. levels of narcissism. [...]
October 16th, 2008 at 5:02 pm