Chad Johnson Needs Help
By chris
Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson spent the summer throwing a hissy fit. FIrst, he wanted more money. Then he wanted traded. When both plans failed, he implemented Operation Randy Moss whereby he evidently intends to suck this season in hopes the Bungles will think he’s washed up and get rid of him for practically nothing. When he’s wearing Eagle green or Washington Maroon next season, remember you heard it here first.
Now, being the attention-seeking buffoon that Chad is, he can’t simply follow his plan and fade from the limelight for one measly year. Nope. Since he’s not catching TDs, he needed some other gimmick to make people notice him. So what did he do?
He legally changed his last name to “Ocho Cinco.” Unfortunately, the NFL hasn’t let him wear it on the back of his uniform just yet because they have a deal with Reebok who doesn’t want to eat the cost of thousands hundreds dozens of obsolete jerseys. Really, is Bengal paraphernalia that in demand? How much money would they truly be losing if they gave them all to poor kids in Zimbabwe? The only people who’d care to buy a Cincinnati jersey are people who live in Cincinnati and even then they’d be embarassed to wear it.
In any case, since the name change hasn’t been officially sanctioned by the NFL yet, there is still time to come up with something better. I mean, there has to be a catchier nickname than your uniform number, right? So, Mr. Cinco, I humbly propose the following alternate names for your consideration: