Arizona Has Valleys But No Peaks

During the San Diego Chargers’ playoff victory a few weeks back, ABC cut to a shot of their cheerleaders at every opportunity.  Good move, ABC.  When the Dallas Cowboys play, FOX makes sure to get their overrated yet still fetching Cowgirls on camera whenever a player so much as downs a punt.  The Philadelphia Eagle’s home for wayward strippers and Tennessee’s obviously silicone enhanced squads also enjoy plenty of air time whenever their teams play.

That’s why I have a question. The Arizona Cardinals have hosted not one but two home playoff games this year. This means their cheerleaders had two entire games to be featured on television. Yet, I cannot recall a single shot of these ladies during either game. How can this be?

Unlike Indianapolis or New England, I have to assume some decent-looking girls can be found wandering the desert. After all, any city with a mix of ethnicities usually produces some fine looking women. Look at Pittsburgh girls. The Polish/Italian/German heritage is usually good for buxom figures and junk in the trunk.

Anyway, in my quest to solve the Cardinal Cheerleaders Conundrum, I bravely decided to visit the team website and look through dozens of dozens of cheerleader photos.  What I don’t do for you guys.

Anyway, after scrolling through the first folder, I think I figured out what their, um, shortcoming was.  Take a look:

See the problem?  No?  Well, here’s a couple more of Arizona’s finest.  See if you can spot it now:

No?  Okay, one more set from this past December.  I think it’s pretty obvious where the Cardinals Cheerleaders don’t STACK up to other squads.

Evidently, the push-up bra hasn’t reached Phoenix yet.  I’m pretty sure Kleenex has, though, so there’s really no excuse for their appearance.  I understand they have to jump, dance, and bounce around to get the apathetic Cardinal fans interested in the game but they need to put a little more jiggle in their milkshake.

Of course, it also doesn’t help their cause to have former Saturday Night Live cast member Cheri Oteri on the squad.  She’s a funny comedienne and was great in the cheerleader skits with Will Farrell but she doesn’t belong out on the field.