Jeff Reed Wants Paper Towels For Valentine's Day

Editor’s Note:  For Valentine’s Day, I thought it would be nice to hear from a female member of Steeler Nation.  After an exhaustive search, I found someone witty and insightful enough to be NPC’s first outside contributor.  She chose to write about a very worthy topic:  Jeff Reed.  Turns out last night, upon hearing he was being compared to a Muppet, Skippy was cited for criminal mischief and disorderly conduct because he really really needed some paper towels.  There’s two images that should never be put together.  Take it away, Robyn…

Hello there, my name is Robyn and I’ll be your guest blogger today.  I’ve been a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers since the mid 80’s when my childhood curiosity led me to investigate just why my father was yelling “you bums!” at the TV every Sunday afternoon.  My father taught me almost everything I know about football, with the exception of exactly what that thing on Kordell Stewart’s face was.  But all the football knowledge in the world will never answer this burning question: what in God’s name do women see in Jeff Reed?

I decided to take a little informal poll to see what the average woman thought of Jeff Reed.  Without telling them why, I asked women of varying ages to give me one word to describe Jeff Reed.  Here are the results:

* Douchebag (more than once)
* Womanizer
* Eccentric
* Promiscuous
* Audacious

Some people felt that one word was not enough.  For example, one woman said “He’s not just Summer’s Eve, he’s the whole day!”  Surprising to no one, none of these descriptions has anything to do with his ability to kick the football.  So what is it that allows Skippy to get more ass than a Kennywood toilet seat?  Clearly there is some sort of attraction to guys that look like a tanned version of the Heatmiser. (see hotchickswithdouchebags)

Maybe there’s a recessive gene out there that makes you think ridiculously coiffed hair, popped collars, year round tans, and sunglasses at night are sexy.  But surely there are better Steelers to lust after.  Let’s take a look:

Ben Roethlisberger: PASS.  If you get too rough in the sack with him, he’ll get a concussion and tell the media 3 days later that he performed with 3 broken ribs.

Willie Parker:  PASS.  Two words: Fast Willie.  It ain’t a track meet; it’s a marathon!

James Harrison: PASS.  The man needed oxygen after a 100 yard dash.  See above.

Limas Sweed:  PASS.  If you fall for him, he won’t be able to catch you.

Hines Ward: PASS.  If he sweeps you off of your feet, there’s a decent chance you’ll end up with a broken jaw.

Santonio Holmes:  PASS.  I’ve seen the pictures.  Ouch.

Hmm… ok, maybe the jersey chasers are on to something here.  My apologies to Jeff Reed.  Pimpin’ ain’t easy.

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  • alisonm87

    HA! I loved this post. Thank you Robyn for representing for the ladies, and thank you Chris for giving the ladies a shot at this :)
    P.S. Skippy Reed is a total Muppet.

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  • http://nicepickcowher.com/ Chris

    Yeah, Ladies Night on NPC worked out very well, thanks mostly to our very talented guest blogger.  I’ll definitely look to do something like this again.

    As for Skippy, I can never get over the hair.  I’ve always been told the two things women notice first are a guy’s shoes and his hair.  Maybe Reed wears his fancy gold kicking cleats out to clubs or something because his hair looks ridiculous.  He reminds me of those Troll dolls you put on the end of pencils.

  • Jennifer

    Way to ‘kick’ it Robyn!  Great article and how appropriate J.Reed decided to follow up persoanlly with his lovely antics with the Sheetz ‘terrible towel’ dispenser over the weekend. 

  • Robyn

    Glad you enjoyed the post!

    And thanks for giving me a little more exposure Skippy!  Although, if beating up a paper towel dispenser is the worst thing he ever does, I guess we’re still better off than the Bengals, the Ravens, the Cowboys, and Michael Vick

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  • Todd

    I just always found it odd that the most flamboyant guy on a football team could be the kicker.  Reed’s a clutch player, though, so I’m glad we have him.

  • http://nicepickcowher.com/ Chris

    I know it.  If you’re out to hook up with a Steeler, one would think you’d set your sights higher than a kicker. 

    He is clutch, though.  That reminds me of another blog where this story was mentioned and they called him “the new Mike Vanderjagt.”  Only problem with that analogy is Skippy actually makes his kicks when they mean the most…

  • http://landryhat davedallasfan

    whats with sanantonioeldingo and his pecker shots??????????fuckin idiot……..hears to your superbowl Mvp what a moron

  • http://nicepickcowher.com/ Chris

    Yes, because having a groupie post personal pictures of your junk online is sooooo much worse than shooting somebody at a strip club, carrying around enough firearms to equip a small country in your trunk, or flying with your bimbo girlfriend to Cabo a week before the biggest game of your life instead of, you know, concentrating on what’s important.

    Hey, Santonio maybe be a tad dumb but he’s a winner.  Your players are idiots AND losers.  Now go away.

  • http://landryhat davedallasfan

    yeah, just remember asswipe, we had your great champion steelers beat. if it was’nt for an arrant pass from romo, well, we put one up on you in pitts, so get off your high horse. looks to me like you guys will be bailin a few out of the tank in the next couple of seasons too. i still think warners arm was going forward, and the penalty on your dback would have put it first down on the 15 with 2 shots in the endzone at fitz. i think az would have beat ya, if the game was called fair, which it was’nt. so celebrate now while you can. and by the way if i had a girlfriend like jessica simpson, i’d go to cabo with her too, when my owner and coach told me to……..would’nt you?????

  • http://nicepickcowher.com/ Chris

    Translation of the previous post:  WAAAAHHH!   WAAAAH!  WAAAAAHHH!  WAAAAAHHHHHH!

    No more posting for you.  New NPC Rule:  You can only talk smack if you’ve won a playoff game this decade.

  • DP

    LMAO….you are RIGHT ON, Robyn!!!…but who am I to judge; one woman’s Douchebag is another woman Coach bag…..I do agree that it IS jersey chasing (remember all of the chics that follows Jagr around….I STILL don’t get that :)

    Way to call it like it is, Robyn!