The Roethlisberger Case Is Boring

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And you thought Ben Roethlisberger had problems with women.

The lady in the above clip is Tila Tequila. For those unfamiliar, Tequila is a former Playboy model who became very popular after posting music and semi-naked pictures on Myspace. Anyway, being a brazen attention whore evidently qualified her for a reality show on MTV.  The show chronicled her search for true love with the unique angle being the fact she’s bisexual. Now, I never watched this show. Girls kissing other girls lost my interest about the time I discovered you can walk into any random frat party over at Pitt and find two drunk chicks making out because they’re feeling ignored.

Plus, I hate MTV and all their stupid “reality shows.” Believe me, folks, I have seen the future. After nuclear warfare has destroyed most of the life on this planet, the remnants of humanity will huddle together miles underground.  Deep beneath the earth, society will still thrive while MTV will still be searching for, finding, and attempting to broadcast the lives of whatever somewhat attractive yet mind-numbingly vapid females are left in existence. And the cold, tired masses will stare at their picture-boxes as these women argue over whether burlap potato sack dresses are more fashionable than tattered drape skirts. They will call this show “The Vault” and you can bet there will be at least three seasons and there will be at least one spin-off. I hope I don’t survive the blast.

*Ahem* Tequila’s quest to find that one true love, be it male or female, was shockingly fruitless (Reality shows a scam?  Perish the thought!) because she has recently been linked to San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman. And by “linked to” I mean “assaulted by.” Although like any case, there are two sides to every story. Except in this case, both sides are absolutely insane.

Tequila’s story sounds like a plot ripped off some late night skin flick on Cinemax. She claims he brought two (!) skanks home with him, then invited her to join in. Jeez, I’m intimidated by the idea of one woman and a blowup doll.  Surprisingly, she wasn’t down with a little menage a trey so she reacted like any sane rational female would react:  She tried to have sex with one of his friends.

At this point, Merriman was perturbed enough to choke her and throw her to the ground.  How any man could be angry when he already had two women waiting for him in his bedroom is beyond me.

I’m sure you’ll be surprised to hear Merriman’s version is slightly different. His story is she came home drunk off her ass.  Ever the gentleman, he intervened to prevent her from driving drunk.  Gosh, we’ve found the Last Boy Scout!  She then overreacted to his noble gesture and called the cops. Once they arrived, this drunk lady managed to concoct an elaborate story about physical abuse in order to gain publicity. Uh-huh.

I’m not saying I don’t believe him. The D.A. dismissed the case without even bothering to file charges.  He probably didn’t want to get involved with either of these two nutcases. Still, I have no doubt she wasn’t the most reliable of witnesses. However, Merriman was busted by the NFL for steroid use a couple seasons back which is not exactly known to make people kind and gentle.

Anyway, I wanted to share this story with Steeler Nation to show as bad as the Roethlisberger case has been, it could have been a whole lot worse.  In fact, Ben’s crazy lady is downright boring when you compare the two.  By the way, Ben’s lawyers just lost a motion to have the case dismissed outright. This doesn’t mean he’s guilty or lend any more credence to her story. It just means the judge feels there is enough evidence to justify a lawsuit. Although I’m sure we’re all waiting to hear what exactly that evidence is.

I hope for Ben’s sake there isn’t a semen-stained cowboy hat in a closet somewhere.

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