Jeff Reed Defends His Right To Pee

Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Jeff Reed celebrated Sunday’s victory over the Browns by getting his drink on. Of course, this ended the way Skippy’s drunken escapades usually end. Handcuffs, and not the good kind, for our wayward kicker and embarrassment for the Steelers organization. With his contract set to expire at the end of the season, this latest foolishness probably seals his fate as far as remaining in the Black and Gold is concerned.

This has been a weird year for the Steelers when it comes to running afoul of the law. They can’t just get in trouble, it always has to be some odd situation or crazy set of circumstances. First, it was Reed’s vicious assault on a paper towel dispenser. Then came the Ben Roethlisberger lawsuit, filled with disturbing accusations and a nutjob of an alleged victim. Now we have Skippy fighting for his right to urinate.

Reed, his father (?), and Steelers TE Matt Spaeth were out carousing on the North Shore. Spaeth evidently decided to relieve himself right on the street next to their SUV.  Believe me, female readers, when I say this is not an uncommon thing for men to do.  *Ahem*  The ever vigilant Pittsburgh Police, who evidently wiped the city clean of all robberies, rapes, and murders because whizzing has now taken top priority, were on the scene! SIR, PLEASE UNHAND YOUR JOHNSON AND STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE!!

Good thing that wasn’t Santonio Holmes. The insipid police would’ve thought he was packing heat instead of packing, uh, something else and opened fire.

Anyway, while Spaeth was being ticketed, Skippy went nuts. He jumped out of the vehicle to protest this outrage.  His father was driving, by the way. I point that out for two reasons. One, it shows Skippy is responsible enough to bring along a sober companion as a designated driver. And two, that’s a pretty good son to use his athletic fame to hook his dad up with some groupies.

As Skippy defended Spaeth’s right to pee wherever he wants, the story becomes a bit weird. To quote the cop, “he got into a fighters stance.” Now, I have several really close friends. And I’ve been part of a team. However, I never liked anybody enough to get into a pissing contest, er, physical confrontation over their urinary freedom.

Well, this “fight” went about as you’d expect. Skippy is a kicker, after all. The cop put him in some sort of Brazilian jujitsu arm lock while his partner cuffed him. Good thing that cop wasn’t a paper towel dispenser. Reed would have kicked his ass.

Skippy was given a citation for simple assault, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness although he was released to his father’s custody. They said he smelt of alcohol. NO SHIT!? A crazy belligerent dude with Troll Doll hair who just stumbled out of a bar had been DRINKING!?! Herr Goodell and the NFL Gestapo is reviewing the case so I fully expect the Steelers to be without their kicker for at least one game.

The larger picture here is Skippy’s future. The Steelers won’t change kickers mid-stream but the future is very much in doubt. Reed turned down a token contract offer at the end of preseason. With Piotr Czech waiting in the wings, I have a feeling this incident will be the breaking point for the Steelers. Prepare to see Reed suiting up for a different team in 2010, a team more tolerant of imbecilic behavior.

I’m guessing the Cincinnati Bengals.

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