Shut Up, Tomlin

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Head coach Mike Tomlin gave his weekly press conference yesterday. In the wake of the Pittsburgh Steelers latest debacle, plunging their record to 6-6 and all but ending their playoff chances, I was curious what he’d have to say for himself. Would he accept responsibility for the loss? Would he quote another Russell Crowe movie?

Let’s take a look at some choice snippets and I’ll offer my thoughts as well as try to translate Tomlin-speak for you:

Translation: We stink.

Does Tomlin get paid by the word or something?

Translation: I might actually have to do some coaching this week.

This may be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.   Did Tomlin REALLY think everything would just magically work itself out if he gave it enough time?  Seriously?   He thought William Gay would eventually turn into a competent cover corner if he kept trotting him out there week after week?   He thought Ben Roethlisberger would suddenly develop pinpoint accuracy and lightning fast decision-making thus preventing him from throwing picks or taking sacks?

I wish I was at this press conference.  I would’ve asked Tomlin if he also believed in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny.

Translation: Our secondary blows.

Congratulations, Mike.  It’s clear you’ve been watching the games.   Yes, we haven’t been getting turnovers or closing out games while allowing other teams to torch us.  Excellent observations.

HOW ABOUT DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT?!?!?!?!?!

Translation: Bruce Arians is a putz.

But I thought you wanted us to be exactly like the New England Patriots, Mike.  They sling the ball in the red zone.   They go for it on fourth down.  They let their quarterback throw 40+ passes every game and only throw in a token run here and there.  Isn’t that what you wanted?

Oh, I see.  You’re slowly coming to the realization that Big Ben isn’t Tom Brady and Santonio Holmes isn’t Randy Moss.  Maybe you should inform the guy calling the plays of your discovery, Mike.  He doesn’t seem to be aware of it.

Translation: We stink.  And we will unleash benchings.

It’s always comforting to hear that your head coach needs thirteen weeks to see “a pattern of behavior” in his team.  I realize I’m only an amateur but I noticed, oh, nine or ten weeks ago that Gay couldn’t cover his dick with a box of condoms.  I’ve also noticed the offensive play calling was atrocious.  I’m glad to hear you’ve finally noticed some of these things.   Sure it took you almost FOUR MONTHS but better late than never I guess.

Instead of giving long-winded speeches or watching cheesy Gladiator movies, how about doing some coaching?   Are you even trying?  Bill Cowher got criticized for “mailing it in” when the Steelers had a post-Super Bowl letdown in 2006.   He had other bad seasons but I always thought he got the most out of what he had.  We have some key injuries but there are still All Pros and #1 draft picks all over the field.   We shouldn’t be this bad.

Enough with the speeches.  Actions speak louder than words.  Let’s finally see some of that “leadership” all the commentators compliment you on.   Because, honestly, I haven’t seen a whole lot of it from you this season.

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