T.Ocho Lectures Big Ben

As a loyal reader of TMZ, I’ve become familiar with the trend of celebrity power couples being given a uni-name.  It started when Ben Affleck dated Miami Dolphins co-owner Jennifer Lopez and they became known as Bennifer.  Then we had Tom Cruise + Katie Holmes = TomKat.   And who can forget Brad Pitt + Angelina Jolie = Brangelina?

Naturally, the two biggest divas in pro football are getting into the act.   The unholy union of Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco are now known as  T.Ocho.  How cute!  I sure hope T.O. is the top in the relationship because we all know Ocho has a hard time holding on to balls.

Anyway, the Versus Network decided to give Tweedledum and Tweedledumber their own show which airs weekly on Tuesday nights at 10:30 p.m. (ET).  Ordinarily, I’d question the wisdom of that move but this is the same network which decided a low-rent Sportscenter rip-off starring three clowns and Jenn Sterger’s rack was a good idea.  Plus, the .1 rating the program draws likely makes The T.Ocho Show the network’s highest rated series.

A couple weeks ago, Dopey and Dropsy decided to tackle the unfair, unwarranted, unjust suspension of Ben Roethlisberger.  Ordinarily I’d ignore their idiotic ramblings but this was too good to ignore.  I’ve never laughed harder in my life.  These guys take “meathead jock” to a whole new level.  I’d sooner invite Paris Hilton to be on my debate team than either of these two knuckleheads.

Let’s start with Terrell Owens, Attorney at Law.  Does he have any concept of the legal system or is he just throwing out terms he heard on Harvey Birdman?  First, a motor cycle accident isn’t illegal, especially since some senile old bat CRASHED INTO BEN.  Secondly, Ben doesn’t have “a rap sheet.”   A RAP SHEET?  Rap sheets are records of arrest.  Ben has never been arrested.

Then, of course, we get to the real crux of their argument.  Ben is white, Michael Vick is black.  Therefore, Vick has been treated unfairly while Ben was given a free pass.  Never mind that the FBI had cold hard concrete evidence that Vick was drowning, hanging, and mutilating poor defenseless animals while running an underground dog fighting ring.  A crime he pleaded GUILTY of and was sent to the slammer for far less time than he deserved.  Ben, meanwhile, was never arrested, never charged, never convicted, and never spent ten minutes in jail.  The two cases aren’t remotely the same.

Then we have Ocho, who up until this point was smart enough to shut his mouth on the subject.  His brilliant insight is all “conduct detrimental” should be the same.  Why isn’t this man President?  I would love a country where stabbing somebody outside a strip club was treated the same as speeding.

I actually agree with what Chad said in one sense.   Punishment should be uniform across the board.  You get convicted of a crime, you deserve to be suspended.  Except, once again, Ben wasn’t convicted of anything.  He was accused of “illegal sexual touching” (Thanks, Chad.  That’s my next band’s name) by a fruit loop in Reno and a drunk skank in Milledgeville.  Guess what?  So were Mark Sanchez, Matt Leinart, and Randy Moss.

Granted, they were supsended for…  Oh wait, they weren’t suspended at all.  Then we have Braylon Edwards who was nabbed for a DUI less than a month ago.   He was suspended for…oh wait.  He wasn’t suspended, either…  But myself and the other 74 people who watch your show look forward to you guys calling for their suspensions due to their “rap sheets” and “conduct detrimental to the league.”

In summation, what you’ve just watched is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen.  At no point in that rambling, incoherent segment were they even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought.  Everyone on this blog is now dumber for having listened to it.  I award them no points and may the Football Gods punish the Bungles for employing them both.

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