A Black And Gold Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving upon us, here are some things I’m thankful for, Pittsburgh Steelers-style.

I’m thankful for:  Charlie Batch

The first month of the season could have been a real mess thanks to the ridiculous suspension of Ben Roethlisberger.  It could have been an even bigger mess when Dennis Dixon went down with an MCL injury.  But Chaz stepped in and guided the Steelers to within 50 seconds of an undefeated start.

I’m thankful for:  Skippy’s wooden leg.

Jeff Reed forgot one important fact; he’s a kicker.  Kickers are like umpires or little children, the best ones are those you hardly know are there.  Nobody wants to hear from a kicker, especially when it has to do with contract complaints or restroom rage.  But when he hits 90% of his FGs, there isn’t much you can do.  So while his stunning ineptitude only really cost the Steelers one game (Ravens), it’s nice to finally be rid of the Heatmiser once and for all.

I’m thankful for:  Sean Kugler and Al Everest

My doctor certainly appreciates Everest’s work in keeping my stress level from going through the roof on every kickoff/punt like it did last season.  Hopefully we’ll be seeing a lot less of Captain Faircatch (Antwaan Randle-El), too.   As for the Kugler, this offensive line pretty much defines the term “patchwork.”  And yet everybody seems to be playing up to their ability or surpassing it.  An extra drumstick for both.

I’m thankful for:  the 5th round pick we got for Santonio Holmes

Thankful we didn’t just give him away for free.  Yeah, he was an idiot.  And, yeah, I’d rather have Mike Wallace.  But it’s pretty clear ARE and the rookies aren’t the same as having both Holmes and Wallace.  Watching ‘Tone make big play after big play for the Jets this year annoys me to think we gave up such a talent because of some phony stance on player morality.  And for such a bargain basement price!

I’m thankful for:  Drunk college girls

At the risk of turning this into the NPC version of KissingSuzyKolber’s hilarious Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag, let’s remember the best part of college; random hook-ups.  Yes, even us dorks who went to CMU had fun (thank god for slutty Pitt girls).  Of course, the great tragedy of collegiate debauchery is while the women are loose, they don’t really know what they’re doing until they’re much older.  That’s why everybody loves a cougar.

So let’s give thanks that when Ben decided to get his freak on, he did it with a drunk sorority girl wearing a DTF name tag.  Whether she used teeth or can’t control her gag reflex, we’ll never know.  But whatever she did was so lousy, not one single drop of semen was found in the bathroom, on her clothes, or anywhere on her person.  Because we know if that pious witch-hunting D.A. had even a microscopic amount of evidence, Big Ben would be sitting at home right now preparing for his trial instead of leading us on our climb up the Stairway To Seven

I’m thankful for:  Roger Goodell’s stunning lack of ambition

Let’s rejoice that the Ginger Dictator doesn’t harbor any political dreams or national ambitions.  Can you imagine this man as a Senator or even our President?  If this country were run as shoddily and haphazard as he runs the NFL, we’d be France.

I’m thankful for:  Some horse in some stable somewhere

That horse’s great-great-great granddaddy won a race.  And because he won that race, Art Rooney was able to start a football team.  Sure, I don’t always agree with what they do but would you rather have Dan Snyder or Mike Brown?  When you look at all the idiot owners in the NFL, we’re truly blessed to have such a great family steering the ship lo these many years.

And finally, I’m most thankful for: