I hate the Patriots. I just do. I’ve always hated the Patriots. I remember when I was a little kid…I hated the Patriots. In 2004, during Big Ben’s rookie season when the Patriots beat us in the AFC Championship game, my hate for the Patriots was renewed. “Spy Gate” ensued and my hate for Belicheat and his lovable gang of insanely good looking football players grew. Last season I attended the Steelers/Patriots game at Heinz Field when the Patriots just murdered the Steelers. My hate for the Patriots boiled over.
All that being said, it gave me great satisfaction to watch Brady carve the Broncos to pieces, and I imagine I will be just as, if not more elated watching Brady carve Ed Reed, Ray “Stabby” Lewis and the Baltimore Fart Faces to pieces.
Awesome. Off to a good start.
So the Steelers lost to the Denver Tebows. Whatev. I imagine if we had made it past the Broncos (who at 8-8 should have never been allowed to play a home playoff game ever), we probably would have been the team that got slayed by the Patriots. At which point I am sure my hate for the Patriots would have become so overwhelming I’d have ended up looking like that drunk chick Packer fan crying all over the internet.
All is well in the world. Except it isn’t well at all. There is potential for there to be a Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh Super Bowl this year. I wonder if that will be like when my brother and I used to get in fights. We’d be playing NBA Jam on Sega Genesis (the original!) and my brother would always be whoopin my ass and shoving it in my face until one day I just reach back and punch him in the face. Right in the face. And since we’re like, 10 and 11 years old my brother cries super loud and I immediately freak out and beg him not to tell mom.
Yeah. That’s how it would be.
I could actually stand watching that. Honestly, if those two greasy human beings will be representing their teams in the Super Bowl this year, I may just have to do a complete sports media blackout for two weeks leading up the the Super Bowl and through the game. I will, of course tune in to hear/see Madonna perform for the Super Bowl halftime show. I figure, if we’re ever going to have another chance to see a wardrobe malfunction a-la Janet Jackson, this will probably be it. Break out that cone bra, Madonna, we’re ready!
But I digress. Point is, 49ers/Ravens Super Bowl would just be devastating for me. I love football so much, so I would totally have to watch, but I just know I would hate it. A Super Bowl rematch between the Patriots and Giants, though? That I could get behind (figuratively speaking). The Giants are my team for the rest of the playoffs, there’s just no other way around it. The way they beat the Packers was so convincing too. Other than the Kansas City speed bump, the Packers looked invincible all season. I had to listen to those ridiculous Packers fans all. effing. year. Christmas in WI, surrounded by Packers fans was not fun. I wish there were a “Post Playoff Loss” yearly family get together so I could show up and rub it in all their faces. Of course, we got Tebowed, so I guess I’d have to tread lightly so as to not coerce a similar attack against myself. Thankfully I got to spend Thanksgiving around like-minded fans in Pittsburgh.
So, the probowl sucks. …That’s really all I have to say about that.
Alex Smith. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something in me that likes him and that 49ers team. I feel it is my obligation to hate all things Harbaugh, and I really do, but there is something appealing about an old school defense and an underdog QB. It’s AFC football in the NFC, and they knocked off the one team other than Green Bay everyone thought would be in the Super Bowl this year. Seriously, that game was unreal. I had just finished my P90x workout (yeah, I’m gettin’ swoll, don’t worry about it) and I was standing there in my underwear screaming at the top of my lungs it was so exciting. My wife kept popping her head out from the shower to ask what the hell was happening and every time it was like some crazy scoring drive by either the Saints or the 49ers.
Honestly, if you didn’t watch that game, you really should. When Vernon Davis ran off the field after scoring that touchdown to win with 9 seconds left and was balling his eyes out from all the emotion and the ups and downs of that game, I was freaking out. So emotional, so intense, so awesome. It’s exactly why I love football. Anything can happen and it is never over until it’s over. 1 min and 37 seconds left on the clock for Alex Smith to drive 80 yards down the field and score? No problem. Pretty wild.
You know what else? All the freaking sex drug penis pill commercials during the football games need to stop. Little Jonny Leafblad (I know, rough name) doesn’t need to know that his parents do the hanky panky while he’s not around (or while he’s in his room sleeping). Football is a family thing. It’s not just a 50+ dudes thing, no matter how much Miller Lite, Bud Lite, Viagra and Cialis seem to think it is. At some point the NFL needs to think about what’s appropriate and what isn’t, and not just sell ad space to the highest bidder. If I have to see that Cialis chick eye-hump the camera while reading the side effects of Cialis one more time I might just throw the remote and my beautiful TV.
OK I would never throw the remote at my brand new Panasonic 54″ TV that is 1080p. And by “brand new Panasonic” I mean “slightly new Dynex,” and by 52″ I mean 42″. Everything is bigger when you tell people about something they’ll probably never see.
Alright, better wrap things up. Ravens suck, 49ers suck, Patriots suck.
I feel better already.