My stones? They are quite large, thank you. Mandatory Credit: Brian Spurlock-US PRESSWIRE

Roger Goodell Breaks Out the Big Boy Pants

Dateline New York:  Roger Goodell has just grown a huge pair of coconuts. Apparently lying to the man upstairs is some kind of big sin now.  Come to think of it, my redheaded mom didn’t like a fibber either, so maybe it’s the hair.  The NFL went to the bayou to check and see if the New Orleans Saints were participating in some Professional Tackle Football Voodoo.  Upon direct questioning, the players, coaches, and management of the Saints confirmed that they do in fact pay their defensive players to tackle the opposition but not in any kind of illegal sort of way.  That was good enough for Roger at the time so he yelled out a big ‘ol “Nothing to see here, people” and went off to get a donut like any peace officer that has been given a rational explanation by a credible source.  But not so fast there, Red!!  Seems them Saints were partaking in some Louisiana Politics.

Defensive coordinator (homophobe/racist (alleged)) Greg Williams had been running a shady incentive program for big hits.  Seems a disgruntled former employee (ain’t free agency great) did some whistle blowin’ about the Big Easy Shenanigans.  If there’s one thing Roger Goodell can’t stand it’s a liar, or videotaping another team’s practice, or texting pictures of your little MVP to reporters, or non consensual Georgia Bathroom Nookie, or overspending in an uncapped year, or James Harrison.  Goodell and his G-men were able to find proof (dang them emails and eye witnesses) that players were paid to dole out hard, extra hard, and holy shit I think you killed him hard hits on the guys in the other uniforms.  There was a $50,000.00 pool of cash that was doled out for these hits; and the bigger the hit the bigger the payout.  And it was Big Bucks, No Whammy if an opposing player got “carted off”.  Greg Williams stuffed the cash in the envelopes himself!  All of this was going on with the unofficial approval of the Saints’ general manager (Mickey Loomis), head coach (Sean Payton), at least one assistant coach (Joe Vitt), and the aforementioned Greg Williams.  The Saints ownership caught wind of the foul play back in 2010 when the NFL first came sniffin’ round them parts and ordered that the bounties cease and desist quick, fast, and in a hurry.  But a coaching staff that has just won you your first Super Bowl can do whatever the hell it wants to do.

Well if you are old like me, you remember the end of ‘Dragnet’ where they showed what kind of trouble the bad guys got into for being bad guys.  The bad guys ALWAYS got busted on ‘Dragnet’.  Here is your walk of shame lineup (cue the music!).   As a team, the Saints get a $500,000.00 fine and lose second round draft picks this year and next.  They have no first round pick this year so……..there’s that….. Individual punishments are even more harsherest:  Sean Payton, suspended for the entire 2012 season.  General Manager, Mickey Loomis suspended 8 games.  His suspension begins April 1st, so he won’t be around to help them pick that very important 3rd round player.  Assistant Coach, Joe Vitt suspended 6 games.  He filled in on the sideline for Sean Payton when he left for the booth with his broken leg (I wonder if there’s an envelope of cash for that hit).  Former Saints/current Rams Defensive Coordinator Greg Williams is suspended indefinitely.  His suspension is not eligible for review until the end of the 2012 season.  No word yet on action against the players involved.

Roger Goodell is pissed and one thing you never want to do is piss off a redhead.

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