What We Learned This Week in the NFL Offseason:
- Bill Belichick and the Patriots ruin a potential Tebow-Free NFL season
- Patriots owner Robert Kraft pouting about “stolen” Super Bowl ring
- Cincinnati Bengals chosen for HBO’s Hard Knocks
- Warren Sapp still thinks Steelers D is “old and slow”
We were right there. Right on the brink of being saved from the insanity that has been perpetuated on us involving everyone’s favorite backup quarterback, Tim Tebow. So friggin close. In a move that most likely sent ESPN executives skipping up and down the halls like it’s the last friggin day of school the New England Patriots signed Tim Tebow to a deal this week, keeping him in the Sports Center rotation for God knows how long. There was talk his NFL career was done, that not even arena league teams wanted his services, hell even his hometown Jacksonville Jaguars didn’t want to go near him and they suck! The move reunites Tebow with Josh McDaniels, the Patriots offensive coordinator and former Denver Broncos head coach, and the man responsible for the surprising 25th overall draft pick of Tebow in 2010. You know what the worst part about this is? He’s going to succeed in some way, either actually or by whatever way ESPN is going to spin his contributions into making it seem like he’s successful all so they can verbally kiss the rear end of Belichick some more and crown him a genius yet again. Thanks a lot Bill. You suck.
Not everyone in the newly crowned Tebowland of New England is happy these days. In a very bizarre story, Patriots owner Robert Kraft is upset that he still hasn’t gotten one of his Super Bowl rings back from Russian president Vladimir Putin. Apparently Kraft showed the ring to Putin while on a trip to Russia for some rich-guy reason and Putin took the ring and has been displaying it in the Kremlin library as a gift ever since. Well now Kraft wants it back and says it was never intended to be a gift. Apparently the Russian President is calling “no givezies-backzies” however, making Kraft just beside himself with worry that he cannot reunite one of his Super Bowl rings with the other two he has. I feel for you buddy, but not really.
The Cincinnati Bengals have been reportedly chosen to star in this season’s HBO installment of Hard Knocks. The team took center stage in the documentary in 2009 when they had much more colorful characters such as Chad Johnson, Carson Palmer, and the late Chris Henry. Now they have a bunch of boring guys along with James Harrison to show America that they can have all the talent in the world, but still probably can’t win a playoff game. Maybe they’ll finally get to the bottom of why their stadium smells like cat piss. Here’s hoping they have better ratings than last year’s Miami Dolphins Hard Knocks which featured the most entertainingly awkward on-camera firing of Chad Johnson in like the third episode, but was pretty much as boring as crap after that.
Apparently Warren Sapp isn’t done trashing the Steelers defense this year. The rotund, broke, and soon to be enshrined HOF’er had already dubbed the Steelers defensive unit as “old and slow” in 2011 and has decided to recycle his comments for this season citing that seven of the 11 starters are over the age of 28. I guess if you want to call a unit old, you can just use any age after 25 to make your point in today’s NFL. Now I’m not agreeing with Sapp on anything. If he said the sky was blue I’d be grumbling in the corner to myself saying “No it’s not.” But that’s just me; I think he’s an idiot. However, I think we’re all tired of seeing the Steelers defense get their top ranking but not look anything like the Steelers defense we know and love. I really could give a crap if the Steelers defense ranks anywhere in the top five this season just as long as they can create some pressure on quarterbacks and grab some damned turnovers. Please, guys, for the love of Myron Cope, shut Warren Sapp up once and for all. And don’t shut him up with a paper ranking of #1 overall defense, shut him up with the defense we know and love. The hard-hitting, quarterback sacking, turnover creating Steelers defense we’re all starving for.