With no game this Sunday, I’m forced to write about something else. What do guys think about when they’re not thinking about sports? Food, obviously. Since my recipe for Five Alarm Chili isn’t that interesting, I should probably pick something else. Then I remembered my posts on the Ben Roethlisberger lawsuit always seem popular.

Which makes sense what with the Male Triangle of Interest being made up of food, sports, and women. The only problem is there isn’t anything new to report on the Roethlisberger case. The judge denied a motion to dismiss but all that means is there is the barest minimum of evidence to warrant a hearing. So what else is there to say?

Then I read about an ESPN baseball commentator by the name of Steve Phillips. He was recently fired for having an affair with an underling half his age. We only know about it because the girl went batshit insane stalking him, texting him, writing letters to his wife where she casually mentions the shape of his penis, etc. About a month ago, David Letterman was involved in a similar scandal. Evidently, he was using his production staff as a personal brothel and when somebody found out, they wanted money in exchange for their silence. The Roethlisberger lawsuit is like a combination of those two. In his case, the woman, who was unstable to begin with, went totally crazy after he slept with her and when no satisfaction was to be had, she decided to sue him for money.

What is it with people nowadays? Can’t celebrities take advantage of their fame, wealth, and power for sexual gain? Clearly, something needs to be done. And since I don’t care about those other two assclowns, I just want to help Big Ben. I’m eminently qualified to give relationship advice, having seen Twilight in the theaters twice and read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus cover-to-cover.

So here are five handy tips for Ben (or any other Steeler) when it comes to having sex without a lawsuit.

1) Go for a woman who doesn’t really like you. I don’t mean like she’s a Browns fan or something.  I mean, she’s not all that impressed by you or what you do.  I realize this sort of defeats the purpose because if you weren’t a rich famous athlete, you’d probably have a hard a time getting laid just like every other tall, goofy-looking doofus.  But this criteria is vitally important.  You don’t want a woman with the “I want to be the next Deanna Favre or Brenda Warner and already have the title of my book picked out.” look in her eyes.

2)  Go for the girl who has a career.  A real career, not desk clerk at a hotel.  Preferably who makes more than 50K a year.  Career women are usually pretty busy.  They don’t appreciate when you do things like waste her time or try to establish an emotional connection or talk.

3) She’s got a boyfriend or husband of her own.  I know this sounds terrible but if they already have somebody they’re less likely to want a relationship with you.  These women are more likely to keep the hook-up secret.  Unless of course you’re on their Cheat List (every couple has a list of one or two people that they are permitted to cheat with if ever given the chance.  Mine’s Alyssa Milano), then they can tell their bf/husband who’ll probably think it’s cool.  In any case, they’re just using you for sex.  As long as you don’t have any lame hang-ups like morals or a conscience, that’s a pretty sweet deal.

4) She’s the team bicycle.  As in “everybody gets a ride.”  As in, a groupie.  Obviously, the bonus here is she knows the rules, is okay with them, and has no interest in your life.  A few diseases, maybe, but no interest.  And she likely has a few uses for the Terrible Towel that would make Myron Cope scream “Double Yoi!”

5)  She’s sane.  Do you know why so many guys went to see movies like Fatal Attraction or Basic Instinct?  No, it wasn’t for a three second crotch shot.  It’s because crazy chicks are hot.  Given the choice between safe and sweet or off-the-rails, deep down most guys prefer the latter.

Unfortunately, the level of nuttiness seems proportional to the level of fame.  An ordinary schmuck like myself might date a crazy chick and end up with forty five cuss-filled messages on my voicemail and his car all keyed up.  A famous athlete dates one and they end up shot in the head.

Rest in peace, Steve McNair.

My point here is that even though we, as men, are wired to seek out danger and excitement, you must deny those impulses when it comes to women.  The level of risk doesn’t match the level of reward.  Unless of course a night of passion with the Cowgirl is worth $375,000 to you.

So there you go, Ben.  Print this out, pass it to your teammates, paste it up in the locker room even.  You got yourself in one fine mess, this will help to prevent it ever happening again.  Happy hunting, my man.

They say the holidays are the most stressful time of the year. Even more so for members of Steeler Nation when there’s a monumental showdown against the Baltimore Ravens looming this Sunday. In order to help you kill two birds with one stone, let’s take our minds off the game by reviewing some cool gifts you might want to give the rabid Steeler fan in your life.

For your convenience, I have included links to where the products can be purchased online. They are the cheapest prices I am aware of but you’re welcome to search around on your own. I do not receive any commission, referral fee, or any other compensation if you click those links. This isn’t Aintitcoolnews, ya know.

Oh, and by the way, you also have a chance to win FREE CROCS. Interested? Read on…

Pittsburgh Steelers Mammoth Crocs

My fashionista cousins, Taylor and Lexi, were constantly on me to get a pair of Crocs, advice I foolishly ignored until this summer when a trip to Kennywood hipped me to the fact everyone was wearing them.  I finally bought a pair and I swear they are the most comfortable shoes ever. If you’re one of those people, like me, who lives in sandals or flip-flops from May to September, you should definitely check them out.

If you “fan” the official Crocs Facebook page linked here and then order through them, they’ll take 15% off your order.

Now for the part I know you’re interested in. I was making this list but before I could check it twice, the fine folks over at Crocs contacted me. I told them what I was doing, they loved the idea and generously offered not one but TWO free pair of Pittsburgh Steelers Mammoth Crocs (pictured above) for my loyal readers. The Mammoths, retail price $44.99, are a new line designed to keep your gnarly toes warm during the frigid winter months.

Since I hate elaborate, “Write a 1,500 word essay about how the Roethlisberger-Ward dynamic represents interpersonal communication within the workplace”-type contests, this one is very simple. All you have to do is guess how many TOTAL POINTS will be scored this Sunday in Baltimore. In other words, come up with a final score, add the numbers together, and post this guess IN THE COMMENTS below. Whoever comes closest wins (in case of tie, LOW man wins) and one guess per person.

Wait, I said there were two pairs, right? Here’s the best part. Even if your guess is absolutely rotten, I will take everybody who participates, put their name in my Steeler Stocking, and choose a second winner. One guess, two chances to win. Please make sure your email address is working (or post one with your guess) so I can contact the winner.

When you’re finished trying to win free swag, here a few more gift ideas for you to give (or give yourself) this Yuletide season:

“Steel Dynasty” by Bill Chastain

I’m guessing most of you are my age (GenX) or younger. As such, you were born too late to experience the Steel Curtain teams of the 1970’s. The history of that team lives on in our older relatives, who remember every last player, every last game, and love telling stories which recount their greatness.

However, if you want a history told by an actual professional author, this is the book for you. While the 70’s Steelers are the subject of many books, I found this one a fairly quick read which still gives you a ton of fascinating information. It starts with the arrival of Chuck Noll, describes how he built the team into a juggernaut, and then goes year by year through their accomplishments. The book also doesn’t shy away from controversial topics like Terry Bradshaw’s feud with Noll or Pittsburgh’s racist treatment of QB Joe Gilliam.

You can find (or order) this book at most major booksellers so I suggest you buy it wherever you have a discount membership card or you can look through Amazon’s second hand booksellers and find it for about $8.00.

Steelers Super Bowl Victories DVD Set

After reading about the Steel Curtain, you can watch them with this sweet DVD set containing the original broadcasts of their Super Bowl victories. When I first got online back in 1994 as a freshman at CMU, one of the first things I searched for was tape traders. There were a ton that traded wrestling and a bunch who swapped soap operas but I only found one guy with a crappy 4^th generation dub of Super Bowl XIV. Here you get them all plus the One for the Thumb against the Seahawks.

Deepdiscount has it for $30, ten less than retail plus they don’t charge tax or shipping.

LaMarr Woodley Kills People T-shirt

Ever since I posted this picture way back in week two, people have emailed me asking where to get one. After searching until my fingers bled, here you go. Now stop bothering me. I paid a little less for mine but you can pay $20 for this awesome shirt online or you can walk around outside Heinz Field on game day and hope you bump into a tall olive-skinned gentleman in a bucket hat like I did.

The Alyssa Milano NFL Collection

Actually, I don’t really like that shirt, I just wanted to post Alyssa Milano in my blog. “Embrace of the Vampire” is a cinematic masterpiece as far as I’m concerned. In her spare time, she designs NFL clothes for women. Wait, I thought she was a baseball groupie? “Charmed” residuals mustn’t be paying well.

Actually, this does bring up something I’ve been meaning to tell all the ladies out there. Please, I beg you, STOP BUYING pink #7 Roethlisberger jerseys. You do not look cute. You look like a cliché. Pink Roethlisberger jerseys scream, “I’m trying to show my boyfriend how cool I am by pretending to love his favorite team.”

If you’re female and you truly love the Steelers (and I believe some of you do exist), buy a REGULAR jersey. Believe me when I say guys will find you 300% cuter if you’re wearing an actual Polamalu jersey rather than one that got attacked by a Bedazzler. If that’s not feminine enough for you, check out the Alyssa Collection. Pretty much anything except one of those pink abominations. Okay?

Jack Lambert (McFarlane Toys Legends Collection)

If you’re an old school comic geek like yours truly, you probably remember the squiggly web-drawing greatness of one Todd McFarlane. You also probably know he retired from funny books years ago to devote himself to other projects, like making toys. I’m in no way, shape, or form a toy collector but his NFL licensed figures are outstanding. He has a Polamalu and Roethlisberger which are both tremendous. He also has a Hall of Fame line with an excellent reproduction of Franco Harris scooping up the Immaculate Reception, which I would’ve chosen but are hard to find and currently listed as $75.00 on Ebay. So my new favorite has to be this one of Jack Lambert.

You can find them for about $10.00 on Amazon, probably a little less on Ebay although that would require a bit more searching. I leave that up to you.

Hope this quick stroll through Chrismukkah Gift Ideas provides you with some inspiration. And don’t forget to enter the contest. Happy Holidays everybody!