Every spring, there comes a wonderful day when the Pittsburgh Steelers announce their schedule for the upcoming season.  I have a ritual where I first scan the list for any of our most hated rivals (Patriots, Iggles, Cowboys).  Then I go through each game and mentally evaluate my team’s chance of victory.  Of course, this is not an exact science as my preliminary prediction of going 15-1  in 2009 demonstrates.

I bring this up because when I saw the Minnesota Vikings on this year’s schedule, I immediately marked that one down as a W.  At the time, the Vikings were being quarterbacked by Tarvaris Jackson.  The only time Jackson was able to drive the team downfield was when the ball was snapped, he took three steps backwards, handed it off superstar RB Adrian Peterson, and stood there as Purple Jesus bulldozed over the opposing defense.  I figured the Steelers would feast on this one-dimensional team.

Enter Brett Favre.  Favre had retired for third or fourth time (I lost track) but this time it appeared he really had thrown his last NFL interception pass.  Unfortunately, as spring turned to summer and summer into fall, the Favre Saga took on more TWISTS than a M. Night Shyamalan movie.  Until, finally, the dust settled and Favre was the new quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings.

I should have known better.  I am a movie buff, after all.  What is the first rule of the horror movie?   The bad guy never dies!   Every time you think they’re finished, they pop back up to menace the nerdy kid with a heart of gold and big-breasted yet misunderstood cheerleader one last time before the credits roll.  And for those of us who are sick and tired of Favre and his wishy-washy attention whoring ways, the entire Favre Saga was nothing if not a horror movie.

Which reminded me, Halloween is right around the corner.  I was going to do a post suggesting appropriate costumes for our favorite Steelers.   You know, LaMarr Woodley as the Invisible Man, Santonio Holmes as Dirk Diggler, Skippy Reed as Lindsay Lohan.  Then I watched Friday The 13th and it dawned on me, Favre doesn’t just remind me of Jason Voorhees.  He IS Jason..

Let’s look at the ways each have come back from the dead.  In the original film, Jason doesn’t really “die”  but he is supposedly already dead, having drowned as a child attending Camp Crystal Lake.  In Part II, the stupid oversexed pot-smoking teenagers think he’s dead after driving a machete though his shoulder, only to watch him come back for one final surprise.  In Part III, an axe to the head fails to stop him, although it does leave him with a splitting headache.  Thank you, I’m here all week.  The Final Chapter (an underrated gem, in my opinion), he’s once again hacked with his own machete.  Jason Lives sees him sort of drown, although his dramatically clenched fist in the final shot indicates more mayhem to come.  Jason Takes Manhattan sees the toxic waste in a New York sewer fail to stop him.  Next time, try using the “food” sold at one of Manhattan’s toxic hot dog vendors.   You get the point.

Now let’s look at Favre’s “resurrections.”   He was originally drafted by the Atlanta Falcons, who allowed him to waste away on the bench.  He was saved when the Packers traded for him.  He eventually took over as their starter, leading them to their best record in 30 years.  He also developed an addiction to painkillers and alcohol.  Vicodin is a bad drug, folks (except when it’s really really good).  Checking into rehab was, in essence, another comeback.  Years later, Hurricane Katrina blew through Mississippi, causing extensive damage to his home.  Favre seriously contemplated taking a year off so he could be there to shake their hands, to be there to share the land, I’m talkin’ ’bout together now!  He played anyway.

That year, the Packers took Aaron Rodgers with their first round pick.  Thus began the annual “Will he retire?” idiocy.  In 2007, Favre had one of his best seasons ever, leading the Pack within a game of the Super Bowl.  The Packers rewarded him by jettisoning him in favor of Rodgers.  Favre announced his retirement.  Two months later, he un-retired to play for the New York Jets.  Those toxic sewer hot dogs weakened Favre as a hot start quickly fizzled into a disappointing injury-plagued year.  The Jets released Brett and he retired again.  This time, he stayed on the shelf for close to four months before un-retiring to suit up for the Vikes.

By my count, Jason has come back from the dead something like fourteen times.  Favre, on the other hand, has made around eight figurative or literal comebacks.  Advantage Voorhees.  However, Brett has also made 271 consecutive starts.  Jason has only made 11 movies, 12 if you count that hideous Freddy Vs. Jason crapfest.  Advantage Favre.  Hopefully when Friday the 13th comes this Sunday the 25th that advantage won’t be enough to deny the Steelers the victory I predicted for them many months ago.

The faceless voters who cast ballots for the NFL’s annual year end awards finally got one right in naming Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison the 2008 Defensive Player of the Year.

The Silverback collected 101 tackles this year, 16 of which were sacks ( a new team record).  He also forced 7 fumbles with his patented tomahawk chop and even picked off a pass for good measure.  Pretty good for an undrafted free agent who was on Baltimore’s practice squad then sent to NFL Europe before finding a home with the Steelers.

Harrison also tied for 4th in the MVP voting, an award he should have also won if not for the ignorant and shortsighted media types who select these things.  He tied with Adrian Peterson, who fumbles if a stiff breeze blows through.  They trailed one behind Chad Pennington, the noodle-arm last seen flinging wounded ducks to Raven defenders and whose qualifications seem to be winning three less games than us in a worse division with a last place schedule.  Clearly, Peyton Manning won the award on reputation alone as he basically didn’t show up the first six weeks of the season and has a head shaped like a #2 pencil.

Oh well, hope that underserved award keeps you warm at night, Pey-Pey, as you watch the rest of the playoffs from the comfort of your home.  As usual.

Week number two on the Highway To Ham. Last week, I went a respectable 8-6, raising my yearly record to 59-54. I’m three games out of first place in my not-for-profit office poll but still kicking Dan Marino’s ass in the “Beat the Hosts” segment.

Last week, despite writing approximately 3,000 words, I forgot to mention something. As Adam astutely pointed out, I didn’t pick the Pittsburgh game. We never pick Steeler games around here. We used to but every person in our poll picked them to win every week so now we just declare it a push.

On to the Highway:

Atlanta over Carolina – Atlanta DT Jonathan Babineaux was cleared Wednesday of a felony animal cruelty charge where he dragged his girlfriend’s pit bull around in circles by the neck until it died. Pfft. Everybody except Michael Vick knows you get a three or four dog mulligan down in Georgia. Things are clearly looking up for Atlanta.

Kansas City over Denver – Denver’s defense is banged up and their itty bitty D-line is getting gashed on a weekly basis. I hope they’re given their Last Rites by Priest Holmes. I’m not just saying that because he was an uber-cheap pick up in my fantasy league; I’m also a sucker for comebacks and this is one of the feel-good stories of the year.

Buffalo over Miami - Legendary Miami coach Don Shula said the Patriots’ accomplishments were “tainted” by the videotaping scandal. Miami LB Zach Thomas will miss this week’s game due to recurring migraines, the result of a fender bender with a Patriots fan a few weeks ago. Coincidence? I think not. Better pipe down old man, because Belicheat isn’t above having somebody take out a knee over a game of shuffleboard.

Minnesota over Green Bay – Last week, I said San Diego had a good defense and Adrian Peterson wasn’t going to have a good game. This is like President Bush calling his plan to occupy Iraq, overhaul their government, revamp their culture, and bring back the troops in less than two years “a slight miscalculation.” I thought AP was a very good player. I did not realize he was the Viking God of the Rush.

New Orleans over St. Louis – New Orleans has totally turned things around since the bye week, mostly because the Saints have started to throw the ball deep instead of just dumping it off to Reggie Bush and expecting him to jitterbug his way down the field.

Jacksonville over Tennessee - The Quinn Gray Era ends, not with a bang, but a whimper. Vince Young continues to do his best Kordell Stewart impersonation. All he needs is to get caught in a parked car with a “friend” at three A.M. and the transformation will become complete.

Washington over Philadelphia – Philly is thinking about changing their motto from “City of Brotherly Love” to “City of Brothers on Smack” in honor of the Reid Boys. Maybe while they’re in Washington, Andy can seek counsel from former mayor Marion Berry. He’s living proof that repeated drug busts don’t necessarily ruin your plans for the future.

Cincinnati over Baltimore – Bungles WR Chris Henry plays his first game of the season this week. Cincinnati should improve over the next couple weeks as more and more of their criminals get back on the field.

Detroit over Arizona – Does anybody still wish we would’ve hired Wisenhunt as our head coach? Anybody?

Oakland over Chicago – The honeymoon with Brian Griese is over as the Bears are rapidly approaching Wannstedt-era level incompetence, but with the extra heartbreak of it happening with players who are actually good. I dunno, though, the Bears being a 5-11 team again just feels so right. It’s like… Coming home.

NY Football Giants over Dallas – Tony Romo celebrated his brand new 6 year/$67 million contract by getting a lap dance from free-ballin’ pop tart, Britney Spears. Fantasy alert: Expect the itching and burning sensations he’ll be feeling in his crotch to throw him off his game.

Indianapolis over San Diego – The turning point in the game last week was when Indy S Bob Sanders left the game with an injury. Hey Bob, you might not get injured as often if you weren’t trying to spear somebody on every play. Watching Joseph Addai teabag the Patriots D was a thing of beauty, though. I predict additional mushroom stamps for the Chargers D to match the ones AP left all over them last week.