Gay will probably feel right at 'home' being in Arizona. Credit: Jason Bridge-US PRESSWIRE

Sometimes I feel like I’m writing articles for The Onion whenever I write about the Arizona Cardinals.  It’s almost a joke, but not really, about how they somehow find themselves an organization who keeps bringing in personnel who were at one time or another – recently or not – was a Pittsburgh Steeler.

The Arizona Cardinals – aka Pittsburgh West – have grabbed another Steeler for their ranks.  It’s been reported by ESPN and released by the Cardinals front office that William Gay and the Cardinals have come to a two year agreement.  Details on the agreement have yet to be fully disclosed.

I feel like the Cardinals owe the Steelers big time for all the people the Steelers keep sending over their way.  I guess a Super Bowl XLIII win will just about cover it…. but I feel like there should be something else more recent.  Is there anything the Cardinals have that they can offer the Steelers?  Does the state of Arizona have anything?  No?  Eh well.  Best of luck to you, Gay.  Doubt you’ll be winning championships anytime soon, but you probably will make the most money out this deal than you will out of your entire career.

Dom wrote a post yesterday laying out the possible scenarios should Gay leave for another team.  I suggest you check it out and bring yourself up to speed with how camp may now have to shake out this season.

Yesterday afternoon, ESPN Insider Chris Mortensen conducted his weekly chat. I, naturally, ignored this because Mort is always wrong.  If he were a weather man and predicted a bright sunny day, better pack your galoshes because there’s a monsoon on the way.  That’s probably why Adam Shefter has the glamorous position of Senior NFL Insider at the four letter.

Still, some people evidently pay attention to his ramblings because yesterday it was brought to my attention he said there was a “50.5% chance” Pittsburgh Steelers defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau would be leaving for the same job with the Arizona Cardinals after the season.  Now if he had said Miami, I would’ve put some stock in it since old people and drug dealers love Florida.

LeBeau’s contract does expire after the season.  So I guess Pittsburgh West can offer him a truckload of money to move to the desert.  And since Arizona is like the Old Steelers Home, there would be a lot of familiar faces to work with.   While there has been zero indication he has friction with Mike Tomlin, the Steelers have an interesting situation with linebackers coach Keith Butler.

Butler is a LeBeau disciple who has been tabbed as a bright young up-and-coming defensive coordinator candidate.  In fact, the pitiful Cardinals, in their eternal quest to copy the Steelers in every way except winning, went after Butler for their D-coordinator job last year.  Smartly, he turned them down which would inspire the conspiracy-minded Fox Mulder types out there to think  he may have been given assurance he was the first in line to the throne when the 73 year old LeBeau retires.  I’m not saying it’s happening but I can see where maybe the Steelers would prefer to elevate Butler to the top job rather than risk losing him.

Of course, it’s all moot since NFL.com asked LeBeau about the rumor and he said, “I promise you, if I’m coaching, it will be the Pittsburgh Steelers.”  Given the emotional nature of his Hall of Fame speech this past summer where he spent more time talking about his players than talking about himself, I have no doubt his words are sincere.  So the players who love the man enough to call him “Coach Dad” can rest easy knowing their guru will be back next year.  And Steeler Nation can rest easy knowing the finest defensive mind in NFL history will be dialing up his patented zone blitzes for the Black and Gold next season.

Pittsburgh has a long history of athlete-endorsed food products. There were Louis Lipps‘ uber-delicious Lippsmacker cookies. Bubby Brister had the Bubby Bar. Not to be outdone, Mario Lemieux countered with his unfortunately named Mario Bun. I even remember Terry Bradshaw Peanut Butter. My mother claims it was the only PB I’d accept with my J back when I was a wee lad.

I’ve been a diehard Steelers fan a loooooong time.

City of Champions Cereal is the newest entry on that list. The box, featuring Hines Ward and Max Talbot on alternate sides, will be available exclusively at local Giant Eagle stores in mid November.  For the out-of-towners, you can also order this fine product directly from the PLB Sports website beginning November 9th.  Heck, order some Big Ben Beef Jerky while you’re at it.  You can never have enough beef jerky.

Now, let’s get down to the reason I’m giving PLB Sports this free publicity.  First, they’re a well-respected company probably most famous for producing Flutie Flakes.  And more importantly, they’re having a contest.  Everybody knows I love a contest.

Anyway, PLB Sports will be having a press conference on November 24th to promote City of Champions Cereal.  The are giving YOU a chance to attend this press conference.  Why is that a prize?

How about because both box boys, Hines and Max, will be at this press conference. Live and in person. And you are guaranteed to receive a box of cereal autographed by both of them!  In addition, Hines and Max have a reputation of being two of Pittsburgh’s nicest athletes so, time permitting of course, you’ll get a chance to have a few moments of face time with them after the press conference is over.

Unfortunately, there will be no guessing of a score to win this awesome opportunity.  PLB Sports is running the contest themselves, I am merely a humble messenger. If you’d like to enter, first make sure you’re either in Pittsburgh or able to get to the ‘Burgh on November 24th.  Mooch off your relatives if you have to, that’s what they’re here for.

All the official rules and legal mumbo jumbo can found here. Once you know you can make it, there are two ways to enter the contest.  You may enter both ways, but only ONCE each.

1. Send an email to info@plbsports.com with the headline (City of Champions Cereal). The entrant should write their name, age, telephone number, and how you found out about the Contest.

2. Follow PLB Sports on Twitter (@plbsports) and send them a reply which states “enter me in the contest #cityofchampions”

The contest will run from today until November 19th so get those entries in!  PLB has generously extended me the chance to cover the press conference so, work permitting, I may be there to fulfill my bloggy duties.  In fact, I feel a cold coming on as we speak.  Hope to see you there!

I have nothing against the Post-Gazette. I joke from time to time about them being the unofficial PR Department for the Pittsburgh Steelers but that can be said of every media outlet in this city. Truth is, I read their online site (printed newspapers are so 1992) almost every day because they have access to things, like press conferences and player interviews, us lowly bloggers still aren’t privy to.  Plus, I think there’s room for us both to co-exist; I write from the fan’s point of view, while they approach subjects through the eyes of a trained journalist.

Every once in awhile, I come across a story which is so patently ridiculous, my Smart Ass Meter hits the red.  Being a model of restraint, I usually resist the urge to make fun of it here.  But Holy Llama Dung, Batman, did anybody read this column? It’s a story about the Steelers annual Ladies Night Out and it’s terrible. It’s awful. It deserves my unbridled sarcasm in full. Let’s begin…

For $95, nearly 500 women of all ages and from all walks of life got the chance to eat dinner, ask questions of Steelers, visit the inner sanctum of the locker room and attempt field goals while their images were shown on the scoreboard.

Ninety-five dollars?  500 women were willing to pony up ninety-five dollars for the privilege of touring the Steelers locker room?  I’ve been in locker rooms.  Many times I would’ve paid $95 to LEAVE one.  I have no idea why women would be that eager to get a whiff of the stank left behind by 53 large sweaty men.

And I can’t imagine what this so-called “tour” might entail.  “This locker here with the full-length fold out mirror belongs to Jeff Reed.”  “Over here, you’ll see Santonio Holmes‘ jock strap.  Feel free to pass it around but be careful.  Drop it on your foot and you’ll break a toe.”

In a figurative sense, it was a Cinderella-like outing. But instead of dancing at a ball with a handsome prince, they got to kick a ball and become immersed in football. And a Steelerella never has to worry about glass slippers.

Fun activity for the ladies or auditioning Skippy’s replacement?  YOU DECIDE!

And let us never speak the word “Steelerella” ever again.

Speakers for the evening were rookie defensive lineman Ziggy Hood and backup quarterback Charlie Batch.

So for your ninety five clams, you get to hear from a rookie who’s never started a game and our lowly backup quarterback.  I don’t know for sure but I have a strong hunch Ziggy got handed the job as some sort of rookie hazing ritual.

But there also were questions never asked by the football writers, like this inquiry from Devona Edmond of the North Side.

“Ziggy, do you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes, she’s seated right over there.”

“Do you want another one?”

Translation:

“Hi, I’m Devona Edmond and I’m a shameless whore.”

Being a guy and all, I know Man Code backwards and forwards.  Perhaps one of my female readers can help me out with Woman Code.  Are there any rules or regulations about handling some hootchie hitting on your man right in front of you?

If not, there should be.

Ms. Edmond has the team logo tattooed on her back along with her date of birth — June 2, 1986.

The Hypocycloid turned into Tramp Stamp?  I don’t know if I should be aroused or offended by this sacrilege!

Women love the Steelers for a variety of reasons. Everybody loves a winner. Families get together to watch and talk football. The uniforms and the color scheme make a bold fashion statement.

Um, what?  Are they seriously claiming a portion of the Steelers female fan base exists solely because Black and Gold matches their shoes and purse?

“The Steelers officially don’t have cheerleaders. They don’t need them,” said Robin Thomas of St. Clairsville. “They have a million of them.”

We don’t need a mascot, either.  Yet Steely McBeam sadly exists.  Yes, we do need cheerleaders.  You know why?  Because Pittsburgh’s Polish-Italian-German flavor produces some of the most attractive women in the United States.  And I’m sick of people thinking they all look like this:

Besides, the Steelers did have cheerleaders once upon a time.  In fact, they had the first cheerleading squad in NFL history.

“He said his mother had a problem with us getting married because I wasn’t a Catholic. He didn’t have a problem with that, but he did have a problem with me wearing a Cowboys jersey. Once I took that thing off and converted to being a Steelers fan, things worked out fine. That was over 20 years ago,” Ms. Thomas said.

I have nothing funny to add.  Mostly because the same thing happened to me.  It’s 1994 and I’m a freshman at Carnegie Mellon University.  Sitting across from me in Introductory Statistics was this gorgeous green-eyed blonde, whom I’d later discover was a Colts fan.  We dated for close to two years and her dubious taste in football teams never bothered me because this was Indianapolis before Peyton Manning, when they were just a ragtag bunch of lovable losers.

In the 1995 playoffs (played in January of 1996), Indy came out of nowhere to score two major upsets before facing the Steelers in the AFC Championship game.  Up until this point, I had let this girl meet my parents but kept her away from major family gatherings.  On this occasion, I felt it was time to invite her to watch the game with my entire family, consisting of three uncles, two aunts, my grandma, and my folks.  When she walked in wearing an Indianapolis Colts jersey, I knew it was the beginning of the end.   We broke up six weeks later.

The moral of the story is this:  religious, ethnic, even age differences can be overcome.  But root for different teams and the relationship is doomed.

There were a few of the pink jerseys in the audience, but the overwhelming majority of women prefer to wear black and gold.

STOP BUYING PINK JERSEYS!!!!!   Only ditzy airheads who watch to stare at Heath Miller‘s ass wear pink jerseys.  Real football fans wear real football jerseys!!!

“Being a Steeler fan truly does span generations,” Mrs. Reinhard said. “It’s bred into you.”

There’s a joke there but…   Nah.  Too easy.

Lynn Kelley, originally from Upper St. Clair. She married a man from Sandusky, Ohio, and they had two sons. But when the marriage soured, he wanted the boys to follow the Browns. To rescue them from such a bleak future, she sought the intercession of Ziggy Hood.

This man should have all visitation rights revoked immediately.  Kids need a strong male role model and this guy is clearly a man of questionable character.  I’m not Judge Judy and I’ve never been in Family Court but his subtle brainwashing has to constitute some form of abuse.  Who in their right mind would encourage anybody to follow the Browns?

I’ve watched this video twenty times and you know what? It never gets old!

Don’t get me wrong. When it happened, I was not happy. On the contrary, I was concerned because the Pittsburgh Steelers were only up by a field goal. It definitely appeared that the undefeated Minnesota Vikings were closing in on the tie if not the go-ahead touchdown. Then the Steelers defense rose to the occasion, picking off Brett Favre and leading the Black and Gold to glorious victory.

So now I can gloat.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know I’m not a fan of Will.i.am Gay. For one thing, he acted like a complete moron at the Super Bowl Victory Parade. But what really grills my cheese is the way he poses and celebrates after making the most ordinary of plays. I’m not some old geezer. I don’t mind guys celebrating, say after catching the winning TD pass in the Super Bowl. However, Gay seems to think tackling somebody for a two yard loss is worthy of a choreographed dance straight out of an episode of Glee.

Thanks to Brett and his Fighting Wranglers, I have a new reason to dislike Gay. He sucks at football. If you saw the game, you probably noticed they targeted him all day. He blew one play where he was supposed to blitz but stopped long enough for the ball to go lofting over his peabrained head. On a crucial third and long, Gay totally whiffed on trying to tackle Percy Harvin. He misses a lot of tackles because he doesn’t wrap people up so much as dive desperately at their feet hoping an ankle falls into his mitts.

I didn’t worry much when Bryant McFadden left to join the Arizona Cardinals Pittsburgh West. After all, B-Mac only started one year and was routinely beaten out by ninety-five year old Deshea Townshend. Hindsight being 20/20, I realize we’re going to miss him. Gay has blazing speed but is a lousy tackler with mediocre coverage skills. Maybe Mike Tomlin, who started out as a secondary coach, can coach him up but I’m not holding my breath. We’ll have to make due until next year when either rookie Joe Burnett is ready to start or we take a better corner in the draft.

In the meantime, I’ll relish the irony of the above play. Gay has spent this season trying to draw attention to himself and his meager accomplishments. Well, he’s got attention now. From this point forward, whenever a “Best Plays of 2009″ highlight package airs, I’m sure you’ll see the clip of young Will.i.am getting JACKED UP by Purple Jesus. Be careful what you wish for…