Those are some of the nicknames for NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq is a four time NBA champion, 15 time All-Star, and future Hall of Famer. This off-season, he decided to add “reality show participant” to his resume. The result is called Shaq vs. where he takes on the best players other sports have to offer.

This past Tuesday, Shaq took on Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger in a football challenge. Luckily for you, I taped the show and finally got around to transferring the results off my DVR and on to youtube. Since my hard work would be taken down in about 2 1/2 minutes if I uploaded the entire show, you’ll have to make due with the clips I’ve selected, highlighting the best moments from the episode.

Let’s begin with Shaq rolling up to Ben’s impressive home. Ever the fashion plate, Ben greets him looking like one of those homeless men down in Oakland who offer to clean your windshield for a quarter.

Pretty impressive, huh? Pause the video at 55 seconds for the ultimate example of what people buy when they have more money than they know what to do with.

I hope Andrea McNulty doesn’t watch this video.

Anyway, once inside Ben’s crib, Shaq gets a look at his trophy collection.

So now you know where never to sit if you find yourself invited over to Ben Roethlisberger’s house. I have to say, it instills me with utmost confidence to know while Brett Favre was retiring and unretiring five times, Tom Brady was impregnating supermodels, and Peyton Manning was undergoing grueling off-season workouts, Ben was kicking back in his favorite chair.

After that, we had the official press conference announcing Ben vs. Shaq. Pay particular attention to what Ben’s wearing in this clip. It should look familiar to anybody who remembers his “I did not rape that woman” press conference. I guess this multi-millionaire athlete only owns one suit. One ugly, tacky, ill-fitting suit.

Too bad Shaq didn’t challenge one of the goofs vying to be starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. They wouldn’t have to worry about any Lombardi Trophies distracting him from his destination. Actually, Shaq is playing for the NBA’s Cavaliers this year as they go all out trying to bring a championship to the wretched city of Cleveland. Good luck with that, Diesel.

For our next clip, Shaq seeks out the best coaching he can find in order to get his quarterbacking skills up to par. So of course he consults with the Steelers other quarterback, Charlie Batch.

Meanwhile, head coach Mike Tomlin brings his munchkins with him to check in on Ben’s progress. I dunno about you but I still think Tomlin is the coolest man alive.

Finally, the “competition” begins. Each man gets the ball three times and it’s touchdown or bust. They match TDs in the first round, then in the second round Shaq uncorks his one (and only) fantastic pass of the game.

But on his next try, Shaq is intercepted in the end zone. Ben takes the ball for his third and final drive. Much like the Super Bowl, Roethlisberger works it down the field with smart short passes until he finally ending the competition with this throw.

Big Ben wins. Shaq enjoys an unsuccessful yet respectable showing. And we get to enjoy the fact our team and our quarterback are finally getting some of the spotlight they deserve. Thanks, big fella!

Saturday was a sad day in Steel Town.  The beauty of football is that every Fall you’re entitled to dream about what future glories might lie ahead for your favorite team.  Of course, those of us in Pittsburgh are entitled to dream a little longer and a little harder than say the unfortunate souls living in Cleveland.  But we all dream, at least until the harsh cold hand of reality smacks us upside the head.

Reality was the word of the day around the ‘Burgh on Saturday as the dream of pigskin glory ended for a great number of people, both fans and players alike.

—-  The Pittsburgh Steelers made their final roster cuts of the preseason.  The most notable of the newly unemployed was WR Willie Reid.  A third round draft choice in 2006, Reid never became the electrifying punt returner he was tabbed as coming out of college.  With the addition of Limas Sweed, it came down to Reid vs. Dallas Baker for the 4th WR slot which Baker evidently won due to his size (6’3) moreso than his ability.  In fact, neither Baker nor Sweed looked particularly capable in the final preseason game (Sweed had 2 really bad drops) so this move is both risky and surprising.

Also on the cut list were DE Ryan McBean, who played some last year but was only notable because his last name is eerily similar to our stupid mascot’s.  It was a bad day for Ryans as S Ryan Mundy, a local Woodland Hills product, was waived due to being injured early on in camp and never showing much of anything.  He might be signed to the practice squad otherwise I’d look for him on Jon Bon Jovi‘s Arena Football team next year.  And in the epic Battle of the Punters, the guy with the dorky sounding name got beat out by the guy with the fruity sounding one.   So prepare yourself Steeler Nation, for this year the mighty Mitch Berger will be booting the ball when Big Ben and the offense sputters.

Finally, QB Charlie Batch’s dream of another year backing up Ben Roethlisberger ended when he was placed on IR, thus ending his season.   Newly svelte Byron Leftwich will be our #2 man this season with exciting rookie Dennis Dixon in the #3 slot.  This works out well for Pittsburgh as if Leftwich shows anything this year, he’ll move along for a potential starting job next year leaving the returning Batch to battle the rapidly improving (and quite impressive) Dixon for the backup job.

—-  The Pitt Panthers also began their college football season yesterday.  And, true to form, whenever head coach Dave Wannestedt is handed a good thing, he finds a way to mess it up.  After 25 years of misery, the University of Pittsburgh had high hopes this year might be something special.  They were ranked anywhere from 19th to 25th in various preseason polls and were coming off a monumental upset of #2 WVU in the Backyard Brawl last season.

So of course first game of the season they go out and lay an egg.  And not a little egg.  I’m talking ostrich egg here.  Wannastache and offensive coordinator Matt Cavanaugh evidently need a bit of a refresher course in Football 101.   See, when your big name Heisman touted running back is your primary weapon, other teams will do what is known as “stacking the box” against you to prevent him from beating them.   That is when you do something else, some call it “the passing game,” in order to loosen up said defense and allow said running back to eventually find some room.

Much like many Pitt students, the coaches must’ve been to hungover to attend class that day because they clearly did not learn this lesson.  Bowling Green brought 7 and 8 men to the line and basically dared them to throw the ball.  So what did Pitt do?   Ran Lesean McCoy off tackle to the right.  Then they ran him off tackle to the left.  Then, for good measure, ran him right up the gut.  Punt, rinse, repeat and there’s your game.

It also didn’t help that Shady McCoy fumbled the ball on a crucial first half drive and the Pitt offense turned the ball over 4 times, while the Pitt defense played in a semi-prevent looking thing against BG’s spread offense, allowing the recievers 7-8 yard cushions on almost every play.   And perhaps worst of all, Wannastache and his trademark Nad-Free playcalling led to them punting from BG’s 35 yard line, letting time run down and kicking a FG when they could’ve ran at least 2 more plays, and repeatedly throwing short screens and dumps to the flat instead of actually, you know, winging the ball downfield a bit.

I mentioned last year that I don’t watch much college football and when Pitt is your home team, you can understand why.   I actually attended this game live and in person, along with about 45,000 other suckers fans who were equally pissed and horrified at the disaster unfolding before them.  And I’m not just referring to the game break “entertainment.”   Whatever happened to just having cheerleaders?  Now we have cheerleaders, drill team, majorettes, some spirit squad looking goofs with flags, and worst of all a dance team, who seem to be just cheerleaders who were not thin and attractive enough to be real cheerleaders.  I mean, I’m all for letting chunky girls take part in school activities but if they’re not even going to perform in a uniform that says “Pitt” on it or reflects the school colors, what’s the point?

Then again, what was the point of anything that happened Saturday?  What did we expect from Pitt?  Big East title?  National championship?  Yep, they got us.  They know nobody loves football as much as Western PA so they promised us a chance of glory on Saturdays when we should’ve known it’s just the same ‘ol Pitt.  Shame on us.

Last night featured one of the most important events in the world of sports.

Oh, and the Olympics held their opening ceremonies.

The event I am referring to is the annual Battle of Pennsylvania between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Philthydelphia Eagles. The reason it’s important is most years, that game signifies the start of the preseason, which, by extension, means the start of the football season. And truly, what event is more important than football season?

Actually, please don’t take away my Terrible Towel but I confess to flipping between the game and the ceremonies. If anybody can appreciate a futuristic, lit-up city and an outstanding fireworks display, it would be a Pittsburgher. Plus, the Chinese delegation featured flag-bearer Yao Ming and his little buddy Lin Hao. Hao is a nine-year-old boy from China’s Sichuan Province, where a devastating earthquake killed thousands of people back in May. According to Bob Costas, Lin Hao escaped his school when the quake struck and instead of doing what I would do and run away crying like a girl, he risked his life and suffered multiple injuries by going back to try and rescue some of his schoolmates. When asked why, he responded, “Because I’m a class monitor and it was my responsibility to look out for the class.” Nine freakin’ years old and he’s already manlier than I’ll ever be.

From what I saw of the game, here are the important things to note:

1) The Steelers won 16-10. Sure, preseason games are meaningless but losing to Philly (New motto: City of Brothas on Crack) is not an option. Ever.

2) Backup QB Charlie Batch broke his collarbone. He’ll likely be out 4-6 weeks which means Brian St. Pierre finally has the chance to… Oh shit. I forgot he took his clipboard and moved to Pittsburgh West (Phoenix). Let’s see, I guess that means, um, well, looks like rookie Dennis Dixon is our new backup. Not good. Well, he actually did look good last night (6 of 9 for 30 yards and had a gorgeous 41 yard bomb called back by a holding penalty) but I wouldn’t want to put the season on him if Big Ben makes another wrong turn on his Harley.

The Post-Gazette is suggesting former Jaguars bust Byron Leftwich is a possibility. Wait, I thought Coach Mike Tomlin had a problem with fat people?

3) Ben Roethlisberger and Willie Parker played two series. Ben had a nice TD pass to Santonio Holmes on a blitz pickup. Rookie Rashard Mendenhall chipped in with 34 yards on 7 carries. The offensive line looked okay on run blocking. There wasn’t enough evidence to judge their pass blocking. The play Batch got jacked up on wasn’t their fault as new RB Mewelde Moore missed his assignment and Charlie paid the price.

4) The first team defense only played two series. NT Casey Hampton didn’t suit up as he’s evidently still stuck in Fat Camp. DE Travis Kirschke, S Anthony “Hines Ward is my bitch…in practice” Smith, and, go figure, S Troy Polamalu all did not play. S Ryan Mundy, a local kid in his rookie season out of WVU, injured his leg on a tackle which puts the Steelers fairly thin at safety right now.

5) Special teams-wise, well, who cares about the kickers? Let’s talk about real football players. Mendenhall, surprisingly, was the kickoff return man. Actually, Najeh Davenport did fairly well in the role last year so I understand Tomlin’s thinking. I don’t think you want your star rookie running back kickoffs though. Moore returned one punt for 9 yards while Eddie Drummond, another local guy, returned his 21 yards. The key here is Moore is a lock to make the team as a 3rd down back while Drummond probably isn’t sticking around unless he wins the return job.

6) First roster cuts take place August 26. Final cuts come four days after that. Teams only have to cut five players on the first date, but ditch 23 more by the next one.