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I’ve had it.

I’ve seen more offensive coordinators than I can remember. I’ve seen every quarterback from Cliff Stoudt to Bubby Brister. I’ve seen good teams. I’ve seen not so good teams. I thought I’ve seen it all.

But the 2008 incarnation of the Pittsburgh Steelers is quickly establishing itself as the most maddening offense I’ve ever seen.

When we had bad offenses before, it was understandable. Maybe our talent at wide receiver wasn’t so good. Or there were the days when a knock-kneed scrambler with a porno ‘stache was taking the snaps. I even remember Mike Malarkey and his ingenious strategy of throwing screen passes 10 yards behind the line of scrimmage or running 5 yard outs when it was 3^rd and 15. That was bad.

However, the level of offensive ineptitude on display this season is all the more frustrating because there are no excuses. The talent is there. The schemes are there. Somewhere in between is a breakdown which is holding this team back. Because make no mistake, there is a championship caliber defense in place. If only the other side of the ball would get their act together.

Obviously, the source of this venomous post is yesterday’s 24-20 defeat at the hands of the Indianapolis Colts.

Once again, the defense played fairly well. I know some people are going to point to cement-handed Marvin Harrison and the two easy TD catches he dropped. I point to two key catches by Reggie Wayne, one for a TD and one for a crucial first down, both of which were deflected off CB Ike Taylor and bounced into his greasy mitts. Luck, both good and bad, balanced out in the end. Sure it would’ve been nice if Butter Fingers Ike or Troy Polamalu could’ve held on to the sure INTs that hit them between the numbers. And it would’ve been nice to get a bit more pressure on Peyton Manning.  Once again, I can’t fault a unit which only surrenders scores when the ball is gift-wrapped to the other team so every scoring drive begins on our side of the field.

Don’t start with O-Coordinator Bruce Arians.  I’ll get to him soon enough.  Or the O-line. I’m sick of hearing about them. They share a measure of blame for the poor offensive play, no doubt. But the one player single-handedly dragging the team down with a series of terrible decisions and sub-par performances is none other than Ben Roethlisberger.  Ben is supposedly one of the top QBs in the game and he hasn’t played like it this year. In fact, watching the G-Men manhandle the Philly team that crushed us, I’m starting to think maybe Eli and Ben were drafted exactly where they should’ve been.

Roethlisberger had a statistically decent game as far as completions and yardage is concerned but the only number any of us should care about is his 3 picks. The first INT was just an absolutely atrocious and inexcusable throw. With 1:30 left in the half and facing 3^rd and short from deep in his own territory, Ben forced the ball into double coverage trying to convert a meaningless first down. What was he thinking? Was he even thinking? Even Rex Grossman was slapping his forehead over that one.

INT #2 was an equally Favre-ian bit of gunslingery where he rifled a pass late (mistake 1) down the middle (mistake 2) on a slant (mistake 3). The announcers pointed out Santonio Holmes appeared to break off his route but I honestly don’t see how you can blame him. The pass appeared to be a good 4-5 feet away from him so even if he had continued through, the S coming across the middle would’ve been in better position to make a play on the ball. Again, why was he attempting this risky pass in his own territory nursing a slim lead? Why?

I don’t mean to dump this entire loss on Big Ben. Bruce Arians is hand-down the worst offensive coordinator I’ve ever seen. He seemingly has no plan or strategy when it comes to his playcalling. Some teams use the run to set up a pass. Or use play action to free up the run. Or use a no-huddle to prevent a defense’s substitutions. Everything is done for a reason and with a purpose in mind.

Not so with Arians. He appears to be pulling plays out of a hat. His choices are totally random. For example, every drive in the first half began with a run. Every drive. Unless that run broke for big yards, the next two plays were invariably passes. If a short route worked, he’d try a long route. If a post worked, he’d try a fly. He suddenly remembered you could throw to the TE, which he forgot when Heath Miller was still healthy.  Still, he threw to Matt Spaeth, who appeared to be open all day, then would promptly ignore him and keep trying to hit the double covered Holmes. It’s like he’s calling plays while completely ignoring the results.

The Colts are weak against the run. Even with S Bob Sanders back, they still give up a decent chunk of yardage per game. RB Mewelde Moore ran the ball effectively on the first Steeler drive, ending with a TD. He also ran well on the 2^nd TD drive. Otherwise, he was given a token carry here and there with no real commitment to the ground game. And when there is a situation, such as at the goal line in the 3^rd quarter, where you need some play action or a bootleg or something tricky because the defense is stacked against the run, what does Arians do? Has Moore run straight up the gut three times in a row, then settles for a FG. Those four points were the difference in the game, bonehead.

I’m not trying to sound like an alarmist “the sky-is-falling” more excitable member of Steeler Nation. Honestly I’m not. But it’s better to panic a little while problems can be fixed than to panic a lot when a situation is totally out of control. We have to be honest with ourselves and admit there is something wrong with Ben and something wrong with our offense. The only time we look reasonably decent is when we play horrible teams like Jacksonville or Cincinnati. Against good teams like NY or Philly it’s almost embarrassing and even in the games we wind up winning (Washington, Baltimore) those are due more to our defense saving the day than our offense pulling their weight.

We’re 6-3 and have fallen into a virtual tie with Baltimore for first place. Our schedule only gets harder with San Diego, New England, and the undefeated Titans on the horizon. Coach Mike Tomlin has got to put away the jockspeak and platititudes and get to work hammering these problems out. This team needs an identity. It needs a focus. It needs to figure out what it wants to do and then impose their will on other teams in that regard. Our defense already has that mentality. Now our offense must follow suit or not only is a championship in doubt but the playoffs might not even be in our future.

I wanted to be a scientist when I grew up. Don’t ask me to specify which science. I just knew “scientist” sounded like a pretty cool job. Plus, there was always the hope I would some day get accidentally bombarded by gamma radiation. Then came calculus and I quickly realized “scientist” might not be my intended career path after all.

I still admire what they do. When I was at Carnegie Mellon, I was always eager to hear about their advancements in robotics and artificial intelligence. When our evil metallic overlords rise up to enslave us all, you can safely direct a large amount of the blame toward that fine institution. I also enjoyed hearing about how their robotic creations were used to find and explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before…

Of course, some scientists do their exploring the old fashioned way. They use a big ass telescope. Recently, a Dr. Eric Mamajek , clearly a man of high moral character and good taste in an oasis of Massholes, peeked through his big ass telescope and saw something between Mars and Jupiter. They call it a “minor planet” although that sounds like calling something a “minor groin pull.” Ain’t nothing minor about either one.

The International Astronomical Union, an organization which no doubt purchases pocket protectors in bulk, has officially named it 7835 Myroncope.

Yes, Myron Cope has a freakin’ planet named after him. A minor planet, but a planet nonetheless. No word yet on whether they plan to send a space probe over to plant a Terrible Towel in the soil. But they should.

Other football related news:

–Taking a cue from Carlton Haselrig, several Steelers decided to turn mini-camp practices into an MMA event last week. “I don’t know, maybe they’ve been watching Georges Laraque,” said OL Max Starks. No Max, if they’d been watching Laraque, they would’ve stood around watching other people start shit while waiting for the coach to tap them on the shoulder and remind them they’re supposed to be an enforcer.

–The Post-Gazette thinks Marvel Smith is in the same boat as Alan Faneca. I guess they’re doing P.R. work for agents now. Sure, they’re in the same boat. Unless you count the fact Faneca is a five-time Pro Bowler while Smith made it once and Faneca is relatively healthy while Smith is coming off major back surgery which caused him to pretty much miss the entire season last year.

–Franco Harris spoke at Brashear High School. Meanwhile over in Hampton, Ben Roethlisberger visited Wyland Elementary. Luckily for Wyland, their second choice, Roger Clemens, declined their invitation. He already had a date for the weekend.

—Ex-Steeler/Super Bowl Champion Plaxico Burress is holding out for more money. Who didn’t see this one coming? He’s an elite player when he’s not missing every other game over some injury or totally disappearing in the playoffs. Burress did come up man-sized in bringing down the hated Patriots, though, so he’ll always get my respect for that.

–“Raven For Life,” Jonathan Ogden retires. Know what that means? Whichever talentless scrub Baltimore decides to trot out there this season just got a little easier for us to sack.

–The Bengals released both WR Chris Henry and LB Odell Thurman. If Cincinnati continues to remove all the criminals from their roster, they might not have enough players to field a team.

–Bills RB Marshawn Lynch is in trouble over an alleged hit-and-run incident. The Curse of O.J. Simpson, perhaps?

That prancing sissy is Jason Taylor, six-time Pro Bowler and 2006 Defensive Player of the Year for the Miami Dolphins. Even more importantly, he was first runner-up on this year’s “Dancing with the Stars.” Isn’t it cute how he and his uber-hot partner with the goofy Russian name wore Dolphin colors for their routine?

Newly hired Emperor of Football Operations, Bill Parcells, doesn’t seem to think so. In fact, when Jason visited the Dolphins voluntary off-season workouts, the Big Tuna acted like a cold fish. He refused to shake Taylor’s hand, refused to look up from game tape, refused to acknowledge his existence. Didn’t even give him a catchy nickname or refer to him as “She.”

So, of course, when Miami began a second round of workouts, Taylor blew them off. He jetted out to California in search of fame of a different kind, sending word back that he won’t report for off-season workouts, won’t report to pre-training training camp, and won’t report to actual training camp, either. Basically, he wants nothing more to do with the only team he’s played for during his entire 10 year career.

Like every other “Dancing” contestant, Taylor will soon learn fame is fleeting and obscurity quickly calls once the show is over. Indy Car driver Helio Cassavetes won the show and I bet most people wouldn’t know him from the assclown who cuts you off on the Parkway. Taylor won’t be moving to La-La Land any time soon. He will be back playing football next year, although probably not for the Miami Dolphins. Which begs the question, where should he go?

How about the Pittsburgh Steelers?

I’ve given this some thought and I strongly believe the Steelers should make an effort to bring Jason Taylor back to his hometown. Allow me to present my arguments:

1) He wants to go to a winner. We’re the Steelers. We’re born winners. Our team was one corrupt referee’s holding non-call away from playoff glory last season. This season, the Colts are a year older, the Browns are the Browns, the Chargers are unproven, and the Patriots will struggle now that they can’t tape their opponent’s signals.

2) We need to upgrade the defensive line. Yes, we have some decent players on the line. Aaron Smith is a stud, no doubt. But Brett Keisel and Casey Hampton? Keisel had a whopping total of 2 sacks. Yippee. Hampton made the Pro Bowl but it was by reputation only because he clearly lost a step or ate too many buffets. They are both fairly effective run stoppers, although even that area declined once Smith went down for the season, but neither can pressure the quarterback. How did the New York Football Giants defeat the Patriots? Pressure from their ends. Jason Taylor is an automatic 10+ sack guy. And who knows how effective he could be when he’s protected by our awesome linebackers and running Coordinator Dick Lebeau’s brilliant schemes.

3) He could be had on the cheap. I’m not suggesting we trade Willie Parker for him. I’m not suggesting we give up our next two #1 draft picks for him. Miami supposedly wanted a 2^nd round pick from Tampa Bay. That’s not a steep price considering we always draft at the far end of round 2. Better still, offer a 3^rd rounder or a package mid-round picks. At this point, what is Parcells going to do? The guy won’t play for him so they might as well get whatever they can. Beggars can’t be choosers.

4) He’d upset our Salary Cap. Hahahahaha. Sorry. I have to chuckle at that because Taylor will make $7 million next year. Approximately the same amount we will be paying MAX F’N STARKS!! A lineman who got beat out for his job last year and who has to compete for a job this year!!! He might not even start!!! Seven million to ride the bench!! For that money, we could have a guy who had 56 tackles, 11 sacks, 4 forced fumbles, and a pick for a last place team!

5) Okay, I’m calming down. One final criticism. He’s 33 years old and would be a distraction because he cares more about Hollywood than football. I already explained how his dreams of walking the red carpet with Tom and Katie are going to go poof in very short order. Yes, the age thing means we’ll only have him for probably 2-3 seasons. So what? Big Ben is entering his prime. Hines Ward will not play forever. Running backs can lose their mojo almost instantly. Look how Shaun Alexander went from MVP to cut in only two seasons. The time to win is NOW.

The Steelers aren’t an 8-8 team building for the future. We’re a playoff team trying to get over the hump to being a Super Bowl champion. And you do that by sprinkling in some quality rookies (check) and quality veterans. Jason Taylor is one such veteran.

Bring Jason “Twinkle Toes” Taylor home!!!

Every spring, millions of Americans come down with a fever. And that fever spreads like the virus from 28 Days Later until every person you know is clutching a newspaper or a computer print out, sweat beads dotting their forehead, drool forming in the corner of their mouths, nervously checking their brackets with the desperate hope that the Golden Flash of Fresno somehow upset the mighty Running Rebels of UNLV. Of course I’m talking about March Madness.

But for Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, March Madness will take on a slightly different tone this year. The team he’ll no doubt be rooting for won’t be our hometown Pitt Panthers. It won’t be Kent State, a proud Ohio team for a proud Ohio boy. It won’t even be Butler, everybody’s favorite underdog story.

No, the team that undoubtedly has Big Ben’s heart will be the University of Oklahoma.

What? Oklahoma? Why on earth would Ben, or anybody else for that matter, be compelled to don a cowboy hat and yell “Boomer Sooners?”

Because of their freshman forward, Ben’s younger sister, Carlee.

Now, I don’t know much about basketball. I know even less about women’s basketball. Call me sexist but I won’t follow any sport where the women look like they could either kick my ass or steal my girlfriend and would be more than happy to do either. Thus, when it comes to women’s sports:

Tennis = good
Basketball = bad
Soccer = good
Golf = bad.

I mean, I’ve watched that clip several times and couldn’t tell you if Carlee is a good player or not. I have no idea if she’s fundamentally sound or if she does a good job of boxing out. Pretty much all I got out of that clip is she’s wearing Kordell Stewart’s number.

What’s up with that? Wearing #10 in a corporate flag football game is cause for harassment and shame. And I’m neither an athlete nor related to one, although my uncle does bear a striking resemblance to Weegie Thomson. Still, show some Roethlisberger pride, girl.

Besides the number controversy, all I can say about Carlee is at least she doesn’t appear to be a nappy headed ho.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

So, anyway, when all you yinzers are sitting back, drinking an Iron, stuffing your face with jumbo and cheesy puffs, cheering on Pitt to their inevitable Sweet 16 finish, take a moment to check the ESPN Scroll-a-matic and see how Oklahoma is faring in their first round match up against Illinois State. If they manage to somehow make it all the way to the Elite 8, I don’t like their chances against national powerhouse Tennessee. But root for them anyway because, hey, Ben is one of us now. And because, Bobby Knight aside, I have a feeling they’ll do a lot more damage in their tourney than our streaky Panthers will do in the men’s bracket.