You better watch out.  You better not cry.  Better not pout.  Who cares if we get a fine.  Blitzburgh is comin’ to town…

I thought the drop of semen being collected from a certain bathroom in Georgia was a shoo-in for strangest picture I posted this year.  But it may have been edged out at the last minute by Santa Silverback and his merry men singing Christmas carols.  Seriously.  Click this link if you don’t believe me.  Prepare to have your mind blown.

And your ears, too.

The fact I’m talking about James Harrison performing the most badass version of Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town in history instead of last night’s game should be a clue to those of you busy wrapping gifts or putting the drunken moves on your boss at the office Christmas party that you didn’t miss anything.

The Pittsburgh Steelers laid a 27-3 beat down on the Carolina Panthers in a battle of teams moving in opposite directions.  The final score doesn’t begin to tell you how one-sided this truly was.  Put it this way, I’m as nervous as anybody when it comes to holding leads but when the Steelers went up 10-0 early in the second quarter, I had no doubt the game was over.

The Panthers are terrible.  Absolutely terrible.  The next time I moan about our offensive woes, remind me about this game.  As bad as things are at times, watching Carolina’s comical attempts at offense shows how much worse they really can be.   The Panthers had 119 yards of total offense last night.  I repeat, 119 YARDS FOR AN ENTIRE GAME!

31 of those yards came on their opening drive.  The Steelers D always starts slow until they get a chance to figure out what the other team is trying to do and make the necessary adjustments to thwart it.  In this case, Carolina tried to run (Big Mistake) while mixing in short sissy throws for Jimmy Clausen (Bigger Mistake).  Well, nobody runs on the Steelers so strategy #1 was doomed even though Jonathan Stewart’s 71 yards will cause our yards per game average to go up a little bit.  And Clausen is such a deer-in-the-headlights that once he was asked to face a rush and get the ball down field, strategy #2 headed to where number twos usually end up.

Despite facing a fairly untalented bunch, the Steelers D deserves kudos for a terrific game.  They finished with four sacks, including one by Harrison which didn’t draw a flag.  IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!  When they weren’t sacking the Pickle, they were smacking him around like he was Tiny Tim.  Ike Taylor bottled up Steve Smith to the tune of 3 catches for 17 lousy yards.  Bryant McFadden intercepted a ball Clausen overthrew by about five yards while the special teams forced a fumble on a kick return.  Even when the Carolina offense was gifted great field position thanks to a Steelers miscue, there was almost no danger of them scoring.

In fact, I seriously doubt they could have scored a touchdown even if we were playing with ten men.

Ben Roethlisberger got his security blanket back and put Heath Miller right to work catching 5 balls for 73 yards.  Anybody who doubts Heath’s importance to this offense needs only watch the vast improvement of the passing game over last week.  Once again, they spread the ball all over the field with five receivers making multiple catches.  Rookie Emmanuel Sanders continued to open eyes with several nice catches although his failure to catch a bullet in the end zone cost the team a score.  Mike Wallace only caught four passes but that was good for 104 yards.  The Flash’s highlight reel play came on a five yard slant he took 43 yards for a TD, blowing past four defenders along the way.  Big Ben had a statistically great game (22/32 for 320 yards) but he twice mishandled the ball leading to sloppy turnovers.

Rashard Mendenhall had 18 carries for 65 yards with 35 coming on his first carry of the game.  Three plays later, he was stopped for a 5 yard loss when Jonathan Scott whiffed on a block.  Scott was pulled from the game where first Sean Kugler then Mike Tomlin ripped him a new one.  After throwing his helmet and pitching a fit, Scott eventually went back out there and finished the game without further incident.  He’s still a major weak link.   The refurbished offensive line seems to be improving as pass blockers.  Ben was sacked three times (twice by budding star Charles Johnson) and had his magnificent nose re-broken although two of the sacks were because he ran around for thirty five minutes trying to make a play instead of just getting rid of it.

By rights, this game should have been a 45-3 blowout.  The only reason the score doesn’t reflect the lopsided nature of play was the Steelers continued to misfire in the red zone.  Six trips netted only two touchdowns.  Mendy banged one home while the other score required Big Ben to sneak it in after the line repeatedly failed to get enough push to power in from the 1.  It’s funny, Bruce Arians and Ben have said in recent weeks they think the problems inside the 20 result from being too impatient to score instead of taking what the defense is willing to give you.  Well, sure enough, every time they cracked the red yesterday, they’d start bombing passing in to the end zone.

You do realize identifying the problem is only HALF the battle, right B.A.?

Anyway, a win is a win, especially when that win puts the Steelers exactly where they want to be with one game left to play.  If the Browns were to upset the Ravens, the second seed would be clinched with a week to spare.  Although the chances of that happening are about as high as finding an attractive woman in Cleveland.  So more than likely, we’ll have to play out the string in order to earn our bye which, believe it or not, is probably for the best since teams which coast into the playoffs tend to go out early.

Finally, on a personal note, I would like to thank all my readers, new and old, for riding along with me this year.  I started this blog because I enjoy talking Steelers and, whether we agree or not, I thank each and every one of you who left a comment for taking part in the fun.  I’m off next week for holiday vacation and while I plan on updating my site at least a couple times, I may not have as much content up as you’re used to seeing.  So please bear with me until we get back to normal in 2011.  In the meantime, Happy Holidays and Go Steelers!

Despite not scoring a single offensive touchdown, the Pittsburgh Steelers cruised to an easy 23-7 victory over the hapless Cincinnati Bengals yesterday.  It was far from a pretty, at least offensively speaking, but this Steeler team has clearly learned from last year’s mistakes.  They find a way to win the games they should win instead of playing to level of their competition.

Although when it comes to the Bungles, it’s almost impossible to play that low.

Cincy scored on their opening drive which would be their one and only fleeting moment of competence.  And even that was tainted by massive assistance from a clearly biased officiating crew.  Had they not been gifted 20 yards and a spot on the 1 yard line thanks to a ridiculous pass interference penalty against Ike Taylor, the Bungles wouldn’t have crossed mid-field until late in the fourth quarter.  The only question was how long the Steelers sputtering offense would allow them to hang around before putting the game away.

Ben Roethlisberger is made of iron.  Or steel.  Or adamantium.  Whatever your super-strong metal of choice.  I don’t think even Ivan Drago could break him.

Big Ben took the kind of beating usually reserved for pinatas or Tom Cable’s ex-wives.  Cincy’s four sacks don’t begin to convey the number of hits this man absorbed, most of which were so very very late I could time them with an hourglass.  The amount of filthy and illegal shenanigans the Bengals got away with was absolutely disgraceful.  The Steelers got so fed up a mini-battle royal erupted after the game.  Although nobody was victimized more than Big Ben.  Following one sack, a cowardly Bengal attempted to knee his broken nose.  Later, another sacker fell on his broken-sprained ankle.  On just a single play, Ben was smacked upside the helmet (again), then horsecollared (again) when he escaped to discover not a single flag from the refs (again).

To prove they did indeed have yellow hankies in their pockets, the officials threw them quite often on the Steelers offensive line.  LT Jonathan Scott is now the 2nd most penalized linemen in the NFL.  Unfortunately, most of these flags are justified.  Even though I did appreciate Steeler Nation greeting the officials with a “Refs, You Suck!” chant.  That began shortly after two consecutive holding penalties turned a 1st and 10 at midfield into a 1st and 30 deep in our own end.

Naturally, the Bungles are who we thought they were and a leaping 29 yard snag by Hines Ward got us off the hook.  Hines had a fantastic game, catching 8 balls for 115 yards.  Guess local windbag Mark Madden will have to postpone his next “Hines is nearing the end!” rant for a couple weeks.  Mike Wallace (5/78) also made a nice catch later in the game although the highlight reel play was Antwaan Randle-El’s brilliant one-handed stab to set up the Steelers first FG.

Rashard Mendenhall redeemed himself for last week’s cowardly performance.  Although he finished with only 66 yards, they were tough yards.  As with Ben, the O-line did him no favors.  Instead of finding a hole, he just had to put his head down and plow forward.  Isaac Redman only had 1 carry which is kinda ridiculous since I don’t care how young or in shape Mendy is, he’s going to be a beaten-up shell unless they start splitting some of his workload.

Ben and Rashard combined on one of the best screen passes you’ll ever see.  It started as a flea-flicker, which was quickly blown up by a Bengal in the backfield.  Ben somehow managed to shot-put the ball back to Mendy, who took it 9 yards.  I understand trying to manufacture offense but as usual B.A. does it in the dumbest way possible.  He actually called a Dennis Dixon play with Banged-up Ben under center.

Seriously, who the hell calls a QB Draw with a guy who has a broken-sprained foot and surgically reconstructed snoot?   Bruce Arians, that’s who.

One coach who had a good day was Dick LeBeau.  Games like yesterday’s are exactly why I have little tolerance for armchair coaches who criticize him for “not making adjustments” or claim “the game has passed him by” or whatever nonsense.  LeBeau is the not only the best defensive mind in football, he may very well be the best D-coordinator ever.  If there is a breakdown, it’s because the players either aren’t talented enough or screw up an assignment.  With Arians or Mike Tomlin, it is fair to question their decisions.

In LeBeau We Trust.

The defense played absolutely lights-out, forcing three turnovers while holding Cincy under 200 yards of total offense.  As I predicted in Know Thy Enemy, they switched Ike to T.O. which allowed Ochocinco to have his best game against the Steelers in forever.  However, neither Tweedledumb nor Tweedledumber were much of threat with a complete lack of running game (34 total yards!) and inept QB play holding them back.  Oh, Carson Palmer, how far you have fallen.

Funny thing was, Troy Polamalu narrowly missed an interception by jumping a route early in the game.  So on THE VERY NEXT DRIVE they run the exact same play and this time Troy gets the Pick-Six.  Soaring into the end zone on a wing and a prayer wasn’t exactly the best move for Troy’s gimpy ankle but given our lousy offense, I don’t blame him.  Early in the fourth quarter, LaMarr Woodley also jumped a route for an almost identical looking Pick-Six.  Then to close out the game, Troy picked off his former USC roommate one last time as a farewell present.

On the attempted run-back, or in this case limp-back, Troy looked around for somebody to lateral to.  He spotted Bryant McFadden by himself about half way across the field and launched a silly pass to him which B-Mac was luckily able to fall on before disaster ensued.  Despite being up 16 with the game sealed, LeBeau, channeling Clint Eastwood in “Gran Torino,” grabbed Troy by the shoulder pads and gave him an earful.  Again, how many coaches would chew out any player, let alone the team’s biggest star, after they basically win the game for you?   That’s Dick LeBeau and that’s why the players call him Coach Dad (He did give him a hug a few moments later.  Troy is a sensitive young man.).

Shaun Suisham continued to be the Anti-Skippy, steady and dependable with 85% less peroxide.  Good thing since he has been our most consistent weapon as the Steelers have now scored two offensive TDs in three games.  Don’t buy any of this stupidity about the Bengwads D playing a good game.  The line is a complete mess with Ben getting harassed and/or smashed every time he drops back and precious little running room for Mendy.  And now the Jets come to town!

Buckle up your chin strap, Big Ben.  It’s going to be another looooong afternoon.

Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall spent his off day in Monroeville helping fans over at the FedEx Office get their packages out in time for the holidays.  It’s part of FedEx’s national “Pack and Ship” promotion giving customers a chance to win 2011 season tickets by simply going online and registering at www.fedex.com/packwiththepros. Given Mendy’s occasional butterfingers, I sure hope none of those boxes were marked “Fragile.”

After playing the Cincinnati Bengals this Sunday, perhaps Rashard can share a few packing tips with Marvin Lewis. When this season is over, he’ll be boxing up his belongings as he seeks gainful employment elsewhere.  Hey, I hear Pitt is in the market for a new head coach.  Once he’s finished babysitting immature clowns like Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco, dealing with nineteen year old frat boys will seem like a walk in the park.

STEELERS DEFENSE vs. BENGALS OFFENSE

Credit where credit is due:  Owens absolutely tortured the Steelers in the first meeting between the two teams.  Since then, the Bengals have lost four straight as T.O. thinks of new and creative ways to throw his team under the bus.  He’s only signed for this year so it’ll be interesting to see who’s the next sucker to take him.  Despite being more cancerous than an asbestos jock strap, somebody will give him a contract.   Hello, Dan Snyder!

Cedric Benson has completely fallen off the map while Carson Palmer has struggled to the point there are whispers in Cincy that it may be time to take a quarterback with what appears to be a top 5 draft pick.  I think Palmer would benefit greatly by getting away from the stench of failure which follows this franchise.  Put him on a team like Minnesota or San Francisco and I wouldn’t be surprised if he wins Comeback Player of the Year.  There seems little point in keeping a 30 year old QB who’s never won a playoff game around when the entire team is need of rebuilding.

Remember, the Steelers had a Comeback Player of the Year of their own by the name of Tommy Maddox on their roster when they drafted that Ben Roethlisberger fella.  Smart teams always plan two steps ahead.  Then again, the Black and Gold are the ideal for how to run a franchise while the Bengwads are pretty much the poster boys for what not to do.

Anyway, back to the match-up.  The Steelers have a crappy secondary.  Bryant McFadden is coming off his worst game of the year and Willie Gay was the guy T.O. repeatedly torched the first time.  When the Steelers play a good QB capable of getting the ball off quickly, problems ensue.  Which is why despite a 20 point fourth quarter deficit, Palmer was able to bring the Bengals to within a completion on 4th and 5 from likely pulling ahead.   Hopefully, Dick LeBeau will learn from his prior mistakes, stick Ike Taylor (our only decent corner) on Owens, and then dial up enough pressure to cover everybody else’s shortcomings.

STEELERS OFFENSE vs. BENGALS DEFENSE

The first game saw the Steelers build a huge lead thanks to a fumbled kickoff, a blocked punt, a Palmer pick, a missed Bengals FG, and a TD pass by Antwaan Randle-El.  While you can certainly count on the fact a gutless team like Cincy will always find a way to lose, you can’t expect they’ll make that many mistakes.  Then again, the Steelers played an uncharacteristically sloppy game with Hines Ward fumbling, Big Ben throwing a lazy INT, and Skippy missing a crucial boot.  If both teams bring their “A” games, I don’t like Cincy’s chances since that match-up is roughly the equivalent of bringing a knife to a bazooka fight.

Our offensive issues in that first meeting were largely due to the fact the offensive line was absolutely decimated as the game progressed.  The bad news is the O-line is still a mess.  The good news is Flozell Adams, despite a high ankle sprain, practiced the past couple days and is expected to play.  The even better news, particularly if your name is Jonathan Scott, is the Bungles rank dead last in team sacks with a pitiful 14 all season.

Heath Miller, still suffering from post-concussion symptoms thanks to the dirty cheap shot by Jameel McClain, is not expected to play.  Ginger Dictator, if you’re reading, I would like to propose a simple rule change.  Instead of random fines or the Wheel of Justice, how about when a player is concussed thanks to a helmet-to-helmet hit, the guy who hit him is suspended until the injured player is cleared to return?   McClain losing $40,000 while we lose Heath for an extended period of time is hardly a fair trade.

Big Ben has practiced after the emergency nose job and other than wearing a plastic nose guard should be good to go.  By “good to go,” I mean “beaten to hell.”   I’ve seen pinatas suffer less abuse than Ben did last week.  But he’s a gamer and after a quarter or two, I expect he’ll be right back into the groove he found last week.  The Bengals give up points in bunches (fifth worst in the league) so scoring shouldn’t be a problem.

In many ways, this game is the key to the rest of the Steelers season.  Pittsburgh has only one tough game remaining after Sunday (the Jets next week) with two gimmes against the Panthers and Browns to finish out the year.  And if anybody watched that debacle Monday night, you know the Jets are far from unbeatable.  So I fully expect a 3-1 record down the stretch.

That would put the Steelers at 12-4 and almost certainly ensure a first round bye.  With the injuries this team has suffered, I believe they need a week off if they hope to make any noise in the postseason.  While on paper the Black and Gold are clearly the better team, Cincy always seems to find a way to play the Steelers tough.  A loss here and the Jets game becomes almost a must-win (which, as I said, isn’t impossible but far from a sure thing) as does playing out the string against the two bottom feeders.  So, for once, let’s hope the Steelers do things the easy way, win the game they should win, and turn their attention to next week’s battle of the titans.

Ah, T.O, what would we do without your predictable buffoonery?  Clearly he hasn’t seen too many hockey games.  Yes, hockey players get into fights and are back on the ice five minutes later.  Except they are manly enough to square off face-to-face before any punches are thrown.  They don’t sucker-punch the other guy when he’s not looking.  Well, Sean Avery does but he’s an even a bigger bitch than Richard Seymour.

Speaking of which, Mario Lemieux recently paid Ben Roethlisberger the ultimate compliment by saying his rearranged schnozz made him “look like a hockey player.”  I kid Big Ben about being a Drama Queen but I would never call him soft.  Just because he plays up his injuries to sound more heroic doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  Besides, anybody who has his nose knocked sideways like a defective Mr. Potatohead and doesn’t miss a snap is pretty tough in my book.

Soft is a word best used to describe a headcase prima donna wide receiver who hasn’t thrown a block or made a catch in traffic his entire career.

Ben’s nose job has inspired one of the best product tie-ins in recent memory.   I haven’t done a “Pittsburgh Steelers Holiday Gift Guide” in a couple years but if I were to bring it back, this t-shirt would definitely be on it. It’s pretty much the ultimate gift for the female Steeler fan in your life.  Seriously, any guy with a wife or girlfriend cool enough to wear one of these should consider himself lucky for finding a keeper.

Preach on, Ryan Clark.

A day after the Baltimore Ravens unrelenting thuggery was on full display for a national television audience yet was somehow missed by the stripe-shirted men actually paid to watch the action, the NFL has levied fines for their goonish behavior.  Of course as Clark points out, it’s too little, too late.  The entire point of protecting quarterbacks or banning helmet-to-helmet blows is to discourage them from occurring during the game.

If players knew they wouldn’t suffer any consequences until 24 hours after the fact, I’m sure a few of them wouldn’t mind footing the bill for mussing up Tom Terrific’s pretty boy looks.

The major fine came in the form of a $40,000 debit for Jameel McClain’s attempted decapitation of Heath Miller.   Apparently beheading is legal according to Sunday night’s officiating crew.  I’m shocked McClain was fined at all since the last couple helmet-to-helmet blows (including the filthy cheap shot which knocked Hines Ward out of the Patriots game) went unpunished.   I see the key to getting in serious trouble is to commit your malicious actions in prime time.

Or play for the Black and Gold.

The other fine was a pitiful $15,000 slap on the wrist to serial punk Haloti Ngata for smacking Ben Roethlisberger in the face.  Big Ben underwent minor surgery yesterday to restore his herculean nose to its former glory.  Ngata’s in the wrong line of work.  There are tons of airhead Hollywood celebutards who’d pay ten times that amount to have their coke-lined honkers reconstructed.

Besides wishing Ngata was penalized by the two refs WHO WERE STARING RIGHT AT HIM when he smashed Ben’s snoot, I was hoping for a real fine.  James Harrison writes check in $25,000 increments for far less because he’s “a repeat offender.”  Meanwhile, Ngata is a well-known goon, among the league’s dirtiest players, having been fined $10k less than two weeks ago for a late hit.

Why has his amount gone up a mere $5,000 while Silverback’s jumped from $5k for his german suplex on Vince Young to $75,000 for the sweet annihilation of Mohammed Massaquoi back down to $25k for the bogus flag on Ryan Fitzpatrick?

Because the Ginger Dictator has no freakin’ clue, that’s why.  Everything the league does is based on the random whims of this power-hungry despot.  Actually, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he has his big-boobed secretary personal assistant spin a color-coded Wheel of Justice and wherever it lands, that’s your fine.  I can just picture him jumping up and down and shouting, “Big money!  C’mon, big money!” whenever a Pittsburgh Steeler comes up for judgment.

Now that I think about it, no wonder Bret Favre hasn’t been punished for eye-raping a Jets employee with vile pictures of his love gun water pistol.  Despite a mountain of evidence he sexually harassed that poor out-of-work ho, the league has dragged their feet for almost three months.  Clearly, Ginger promised Jenn Sterger she could be the league’s secret Vanna White if she keeps quiet long enough for #4 to pack up his Wranglers and fade off into the sunset.

It finally makes sense!