He's no John Madden. That's for sure. Mandatory Credit: Stew Milne-US PRESSWIRE

Well the 2012-2013 NFL season isn’t even 24 hours old and already my picks for the week are screwed. Thanks, Cowboys. As things were wrapping up last night, and as the Giants and I were starting our season 0 – 1, I felt a familiar feeling. It was a feeling from my childhood, two feelings at once really, which is difficult for a grown man to process (let alone a baby boy no bigger than a squirrel). I was simultaneously pissed at Dallas just because they had won, and begrudgingly respectful of how well they played. I am so conflicted anytime that I have to give a Steelers’ rival any measure of respect where respect is due.

Like most guys, I blame my father for any flaws and defects in my otherwise perfect persona (you should see the size of my ears, they’re huge). The Old Man was always able to see right down the middle of every situation. He loves the Steelers like a real man should but, being the square shooter that he is, never dismissed the Black and Gold’s rivals as lesser teams. “Every man needs a rival.” He would say. “They keep you on your game.” He was right, too. Where would the Steelers of the seventies, those teams of my youth, be without their rivals? The Cleveland Browns, Houston Oilers, Oakland Raiders, and Dallas Cowboys pushed the Steelers to the top of the NFL and then helped to keep them there. It was these rivalries that gnawed at Pittsburgh, kept a fire in the belly of the best franchise of that decade. Like it or not, those teams that the Steelers fought with the hardest, played almost as much of a role in the Steelers success of the seventies as did Bradshaw, Harris, Lambert, Greene, or Noll. You can respect a rival. Mike Webster (RIP) used to tell a story about Tunch Ilkin, Craig Wolfley, and himself, all plowing into Cleveland’s Bob Golic on a play. Only two of the three of them were supposed to take on Golic. As Golic lay on the field counting his fractures, Webster extended his hand, helped his rival to his feet, and said “Sorry, Bobby. One of those guys F’ed up.” Many of John Madden’s raiders make the trip to Pittsburgh or host former Steelers players in Oakland to drink and relive the old days; this, from dudes who tried killing each other with regularity. Bum Phillips, Al Davis, Art Modell (RIP), and Tom Landry, were personalities I could really take issue with while at the same time give them some props when they were having their moment.

Then, the 80’s happened and the whole damn thing went sideways on us. No Bum Phillips, John Madden, or Tom Landry. Our rivals had changed shape. We got Jerry Glanville, The Raiders moved to LA, and where in the HELL did the 49ers come from? Cleveland decided that Denver would be a better rival for them than Pittsburgh, although they fared no better against them. It has blasphemously been reported that ‘the game’ passed Chuck Noll by. I suggest that Noll just expected a better class of rival. Football coaches had been replaced by evil geniuses, schemers, and tyrants. Bill Walsh, Bill Parcells, and Mike Ditka were stealing the fire of Noll, Shula, and Landry. The whole shooting match was turning into big business. Rivalries were determined by Neilson ratings and advertising dollars. You didn’t really have to respect anyone any more.

It’s easier for me now. I can just freaking hate. Hate the Patriots. Hate the Cowboys (remember SB XXX!). And most of all HATE THE RAVENS (TCSFB). But damn it, Dad, now and then I just want a respectable rival.

RIP Art Modell.  You had a terribe stadium deal and you did what you had to do.

As regular readers of NPC surely expect, this is where I’d usually post some random news and/or talk a little smack about our upcoming opponents. Considering this week’s game is against longtime rival the Dallas Cowboys, I’m sure many of you thought I’d unveil a masterpiece along the lines of “29 Reasons Pittsburgh Is Better Than Dallas” or “Top Ten Venereal Diseases Tony Romo Has Contracted From Skanky Blondes.”

Sorry to disappoint.

I tried to do something like that but my heart wasn’t in it. Don’t misunderstand, I hate the Cowboys, more than any team not from Cleveland or coached by a hoodie wearing douchebag. But at the same time, I also have to respect them. When you look at the NFL, there are really two teams which stand out as the crown jewel franchises. One of course is the Steelers while the only other choice has to be the Cowboys.

Whenever a team is successful, you’ll find a segment of the country jumping on the bandwagon trying to feel like winners. This allegiance is always short-lived, ending as soon as said team stops winning Super Bowls. In the late 80s, 49er gear was all over the place. Has anybody bought red and gold merchandise in over a decade? When Green Bay and Denver had their brief moments in the spotlight, they garnered a smattering of nationwide support but most of that was pity and none of it was sustained over the years. As for the most dominant team of the 00s, nobody outside of New England cares one iota about the Pats except to hate them.

The only two truly national franchises are the Steelers and Cowboys. The Cowboys call themselves “America’s Team” and while that bit of hyperbole is typical of an arrogant organization, it is also true you’re just as likely to find a Cowboy fan in Bangor, Maine or Butte, Montana as in Dallas, Texas. Likewise, Steeler Nation extends far and wide as is evidenced by the waves of Black and Gold which invade road stadiums in numbers like no other.

So why do I hate them? Why can’t I establish mutual respect and leave it at that? Why does Batman hate the Joker? Why does Superman enjoy punching Lex Luthor in the mouth? Why?

Because we are the same but opposite. One is summer while the other is the winter. One is light while the other is dark. One is good while the other is evil. I think you can figure out which is which.

The Steelers are and have always been a blue collar team which emphasizes gritty nose to the grindstone hard-work. The Cowboys are and have always been prime time flash and dash glitzy Hollywood red carpet superstars. In fact, they’ve had players named Prime Time and Hollywood.

The Steelers have always been about the whole being more than the sum of the parts. To quote the wise Mr. Spock, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.” We’ve never had a situation where one specific player is our whole franchise. We never make one player the centerpiece of an entire team. That’s all Dallas ever does. Theirs is a culture of individualism. They’ll find a great RB or a great LB or a great QB but when that player goes down (as Romo did this year or Terrell Owens did last year), the team immediately falls apart. No wonder their fans wanted Bill Cowher and his belief in the team to come and save them earlier this year.

The Cowboys are owned by an irritating jackass of a man who insists on being the team’s General Manager.  Jerry Jones shameless self-promotion stands in stark contrast to the quiet dignity exuded by one of the most respected owners in all of sports, Dan Rooney. This is no doubt why the Cowboys have experienced over a half dozen coaching changes since 1993 while we’ve had one. Their meddlesome owner is at the root of their Machiavellian “win at all costs” strategy. He will bring in any player, regardless of character or past misdeeds, if he thinks it will help them win. Locker room cancers (T.O), gun-toting maniacs (Tank Johnson), and stripper beating miscreants (Pacman Jones) are all welcome in Big D. The Steelers systematically rid themselves of such players, even if they’re supremely talented, such as in the case of Plaxico Burress, an undeniably superior WR whose pea-brained antics continue to embarrass his team to this day.

Tony Romo knows he has crossed over to the Dark Side. That’s why he recently tried to cleanse his karma by taking a foul-smelling bum to the movies. Sure, this isn’t nearly as impressive as Ben Roethlisberger using Jedi Mind Tricks to talk a crazed gunmen out of bustin’ a cap in his ass but it was nice of him to pay it forward since nobody has been luckier these past few years than ‘ol Tony. Besides, what’s so impressive about sitting next to a homeless pan-handler? He let Britney Spears sit on his lap so obviously he’s not put off by strange odors.

Look, here’s the moral of the story. Sometimes good wins but occasionally evil is triumphant. Like in Super Bowl XXX where coke-snorting Mike Irvin and his band of whoring madmen handed the Steelers their lone Super Bowl defeat when Christian gentlemen/future astroturf salesman Neil O’Donnell was paid off by Jerry Jones threw two badly timed interceptions. They’re still paying for that win as they’ve never won another. Hopefully when Good emerges victorious this week, we’ll set their playoff hopes back enough to add another year to that penance.

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I love Pittsburgh.

My grandparents were born here. My parents were born here. I was born here. Most of my family still lives here and none of us have any desire to ever leave. I love the city. The sights and sounds. The local culture. And the people. I’ve visited many other places in this country and can honestly say no other city deserves the title of Most Livable or Friendliest more than the ‘Burgh.

However, there is one part of Pittsburgh I’m not proud of. One aspect of the city we all know about but seldom like to speak of. Something which is brought up by outsiders from time to time although never spoken about here.

Pittsburgh is a racist city.

Please understand that I’m not calling you a racist. Or your parents. Or even your grandparents. And I’m not saying things haven’t gotten better over the years. But this is still a city that has a very spotty history when it comes to racial prejudices, especially when it comes to athletes.

Once upon a time Steelers head coach Chuck Noll received death threats for starting a black quarterback named Joe Gilliam. Gilliam, by the way, was undefeated at the time leading the team in place of the benched (for ineffectiveness) Terry Bradshaw. While I don’t think that would happen today, the disgraceful treatment of Kordell Stewart toward the end of his time in the Black and Gold shows there is still an undercurrent of racism around these parts. Sure, Steeler fans are always hard on their QBs. But there’s a big difference between considering Bubby Brister a functioning retard or dumping trash on Tommy Maddox’s lawn and labeling a guy a homosexual because he had a bad season after leading your team to not one but two AFC championship games.

With this in mind, I want to bring up the recent case of WR Santonio Holmes. Holmes issued a contrite apology this week after being caught with two joints in his car which lead to him being suspended for the Giants game. I read coverage of the incident and waited for somebody to point out what was obvious to me. Sadly, I’m still waiting.

The part of the story everybody seemed to either miss or more likely gloss over was WHY Holmes was stopped. Here’s what the police had to say:

“At the 3 p.m. roll call, the officers were told to look for an SUV with an out-of-state license plate traveling through the Hill with a “large amount of narcotics,” the police affidavit said.”

What they conveniently left out was one key word: Black. I will guarantee you any amount of money the roll call description included some variation of the word African-American in it. Guarantee. Of course they’re not going to admit that but do you really think they were stopping every single SUV that rolled through the Hill District that day?

Gotta love those crack redneck cops we have here in Pittsburgh. Accident on the Parkway and it takes 20 minutes for them to show up. But a negro in a fancy car with tinted windows drives around downtown and they’re ON THE CASE!

The police admit Holmes was driving perfectly fine. Not swerving. Not steering erratically. They pulled him over for no reason other than he fit a very dubious description. Pirate outfielder Nyjer Morgan was driving to PNC Park a few months ago and was similarly pulled over for having “tinted windows.” I guess “tinted windows” must be their new code word for “black man in nice car.” Of course, nobody said anything at the time because nobody likes to talk about this and because, well, nobody cares about the Pirates.

Here it’s happened again and this time it cost us a very important member of our team. Yes, Holmes needs to be smarter. Yes, he needs to take responsibility for his actions. But if the fact some Bacon Bits can just pull you over for no other reason than your ethnic background doesn’t bother you a little, you need to wake up and smell the Starbucks.

I don’t want to open up a debate about drugs. Usage of marijuana isn’t the issue here. The fact is the city of Pittsburgh doesn’t really care. The penalty for being caught with the amount Santonio had in his glove box was a ticket. That’s it. A ticket, just like one you’d get for speeding. Would the Rooneys suspend Holmes for not driving 55? I’m sure Herr Goodell and his Nazi-like regime would like to but even they know that would be taking things too far.

So what we have here is a guy stopped for no legitimate reason given a ticket for an extremely minor infraction who is going to probably miss at least two games over it. And the worst part is people are heaping criticicism on HIM. Gene Collier in the Post-Gazette wrote a column about how Santonio’s absence caused the offense to stall. Yeah, because Holmes not being there is why Big Ben refused to throw the football in a timely fashion or our line couldn’t block worth a damn. Ron Cook used his soapbox to also criticize Holmes, going as far as to claim he might have cost them the game. Good lord. The harshest words were by WXDX radio host Mark Madden who wrote he had no respect for Holmes. So the same guy who worked for and is close friends with a number of professional wrestlers, guys who abuse drugs and alcohol, not to mention beat and kill their wives and children, is disgusted by a pot bust? Really?

All the anger in this situation has seemingly been focused on Holmes and I’m tired of hearing it. Take your hands off your ears, open up your eyes, and point your blame finger where it truly belongs.

I hate the Browns.

Being born and raised in Pittsburgh, the mere mention of the name “Cleveland” has made my blood boil for as long as I can remember. I hate Cleveland. My father hates Cleveland. My three uncles, two aunts, four cousins, and sweet grey-haired grandmother all hate Cleveland, too.

The damn thing is, I don’t know why.

Don’t yell at me and don’t threaten to revoke my membership to Steeler Nation. Just hear me out. All our lives we’ve been conditioned to hate Cleveland. We’ve been told they’re the mortal enemy. We’ve been told the Browns and the Steelers are one of the great rivalries in all of sports.

Well, let’s look at some other great rivalries. Red Sox-Yankees. Lakers-Celtics. Ohio State-Michigan. Maple Leafs-Canadiens. Hmmm… You know what they all have in common? The rivalry usually involves two equally prestigious franchises who are competing for a championship. The Yankees prevented the Sox from reaching the Series and prolonged the Curse until recent years when the tables have turned. OSU and Michigan often stood in each other’s way of a #1 ranking. The Lakers and Celtics met in the NBA finals five times. Toronto and Montreal dominated the NHL for over a decade, trading Lord Stanley’s Cup between themselves.

What championship has Cleveland ever cost Pittsburgh? When have the lowly Browns ever stood in the way of our mighty Steelers? How are they even remotely considered to be on the same level? I can’t remember one crucial game between the two teams which was won by the Browns. Oh, they gave it a shot a few years ago in a Wild Card playoff game but the rifle-arm heroics of QB Tommy Maddox prevented any disruption in the natural order of things.

I once read that the Pittsburgh Pirates are desperate to get the Cleveland Indians declared their “natural rival” so they can be sure to play them every season. I don’t understand this at all. I mean, I understand there are only so many cheap bobbleheads and 80’s hair bands they can bring to PNC Park to entice people to go and watch what is laughingly called a major league baseball team but why would even the most diehard yinzer fall for this? What is there to hate about the Indians? They’ve admittedly fared better than the Pirates in recent years but that’s like challenging a group of retarded kids to a chess match and then bragging when you beat them. And it’s not like the Indians have really accomplished much of anything recently. Their last World Series win was back in 1948 and they haven’t made it to October since 1954. At least the Buccos can say they won titles in 1960, 1971, and 1979.

Cleveland doesn’t have an NHL franchise and we don’t have an NBA team so we’ll call that a push. Except their Cleveland Cavaliers have been around since 1970 and won a grand total of ZERO titles while our Penguins have won twice. Technically, the score in professional basketball championships is actually Pittsburgh – 1 Cleveland – 0 as the Pittsburgh Pipers won the ABA (American Basketball Association) championship way back in 1967 and might have won it again in 1969 had they signed sharpshooting free agent point guard Jackie Moon.

The more I think about it, the less sense this whole “rivalry” with Cleveland makes. The Steelers won 5 Super Bowls and made the playoffs 12 of the last 15 years. The Browns are among only a handful of NFL teams to never appear in a Super Bowl and didn’t even have a team 12 of the last 15 years. Their franchise was moved to Baltimore, a city known as one of the most crime and drug-infested in the entire country. How bad is your city when that seems like an attractive alternative? We’ve had a line of great quarterbacks from Terry Bradshaw to Kordell Stewart to Ben Roethlisberger. They’ve had Bernie Kosar, Vinny Testaverde, and Charlie Frye. We had the Emperor Chuck Knoll. They had Bill Belichick and his entire A/V Club of Doom and still couldn’t win anything. We have the Terrible Towel and the most loyal fanbase in the entire NFL. They have a bunch of drunken buffoons in latex German Shepard masks. About the only thing we have in common is neither team has cheerleaders. For the Steelers, it’s a statement that our fans don’t need anybody enticing them to cheer. For the Browns, it’s due to the simple fact you can’t find 12 attractive women in Cleveland.

You may read this article and think I’m being overly harsh on Cleveland. You may even think some of these shots are of the cheap variety. However, that is honestly not my intent. I’m not trying to bash the people of Cleveland. Lord knows living there is enough of a cross to bear. No, the purpose of this post is to actually put the rivalry to rest. Sure, it will still be fun to play (and beat) them twice a year but let’s not do it with hatred in our hearts.  We should save that for those who really deserve it.

Wide receivers. Of course, I’m talking about wide receivers and not Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger’s taste in the ladies. As an aside, after spending a whole week listening to Sean Salisbury and Tony Kornheiser discuss Tom Brady’s main squeeze, Brazilian supermodel Giselle Budchen, while also bemoaning the fact that Tony Romo has reportedly kicked Yoko Simpson to the curb, I’m extremely glad our quarterback limits his off-field activities to LPGA scrubs and WB starlets. Anyway, this week the national football media latched on to the story of an apparent riff developing between Ben Roethlisberger and Steelers WR Hines Ward.

It all started shortly after the season-ending soul-crushing loss to the Jacksonville Jagoffs. Ben was asked what areas he felt the Black and Gold needed to address in the draft. He responded by saying, “I’m always going to ask for a tall receiver. That’s just me. Our receivers are unbelievable, but our tallest guy might be Hines. Or Santonio [Holmes]. Hines is going to say he’s 6 foot, but he’s 5-11.”

These comments made it through the grapevine to good ‘ol Hines. “I don’t hear Tom Brady or Peyton Manning asking for that,” Ward said. “To me, it’s a rare combination of receivers out there who are good and tall. We won a Super Bowl, we didn’t have a tall receiver then,” he added, eyes welling up with emotion. “To me, I have enough problems to worry about than what Ben wants — I can’t give him the contract,” Ward continued, referring to Roethlisberger’s upcoming contract extension talks. “He wants a tall receiver? Why did we draft Santonio?” asked Hines, lips quivering from the sting of Ben’s betrayal.

Look, I like Hines Ward. I didn’t see Lynn Swann play and only caught John Stallworth toward the tail end of his career. Swannie’s career was short and Stallworth benefited from always playing opposite other good receivers. Such as Louis Lipps, who was a Rookie of the Year, damn fine wide out, and made a very tasty cookie. All of them put up some great numbers but I’d have to say Hines is the best receiver in Steeler history. He’ll go over the middle. He can be a possession receiver although he’s fast enough to break off long gainers. His 18 yard/catch average was highest among any of the top 50 reception leaders in the NFL this season, which is doubly impressive considering how often he catches 5-8 yard dump offs in the flat. He’s an awesome blocker. He’s a former Super Bowl MVP. He’s a tremendous talent.

He’s also a bit of a head case. It all goes back to the year he was drafted. Mel Kiper and his fabulous head of hair had Hines projected as a first round pick. Unfortunately, he also played quarterback and running back at Georgia which confused some scouts as to where he should play or if he was polished enough in any one area. So he dropped, all the way to the third round. Oh, the horrors! Still, Ward never forgot this “slight” and has spent his career with a chip on his shoulder trying to prove everybody was wrong about him.

Sometimes this is a good thing. Ben still smarts from being picked behind Phillip Rivers and Eli Manning. Tom Brady never forgot he was a 6th round pick. But with Hines, it’s always been a bit of a problem. A couple seasons ago, he threatened to hold out of training camp because of perceived disrespect from the Steelers organization. Only a phone call from Bill Cowher managed to convince him to stop being a baby and show up for work.

Yes, Ben should know better than to be critical of his teammates. Especially teammates who performed well for him this season. He should also know better than say things about Hines, given the man is more thin-skinned than a woman with PMS. And yes, Hines has a point about ability trumping size in receivers. The Jaguars have two gargantuan wideouts but they can only be bothered to catch 1 out of every 4 passes thrown their way. I’d rather have a midget who catches everything than a 25%er.

That said, Ben is totally correct to want a larger receiver put on the offseason shopping list. One of the frustrating parts of the Steelers offense this season was not being able to score touchdowns when inside the 5. Part of this has to do with not having a big fatass running back. The other part is not having a big end zone target. We do have 6-5 Heath Miller and 6-7 Matt Spaeth at tight end and early in the year, they were both scoring touchdowns. When teams caught on and began to cover them is when the red zone problems started. Also, neither of them are particularly quick (not fast, big guys aren’t usually fast but they have to be quick enough to get separation) which limits their usefulness in the open field. How many 20, 25, 30 yard gainers did either have this year? The jump ball bomb is a weapon missing from our offense ever since Plaxico Burress left.

So Ben was right, although the way he went about it was wrong. It’s all water under the bridge now. Hopefully Ben will apologize and smooth things out with Hines and Hines will wipe away his tears and come back this year with an even bigger chip on his shoulder. Which, now that I think about it, might be an ingenious bit of reverse psychology on Ben’s part. Or dumb luck. Whatever works.