Every spring, there comes a wonderful day when the Pittsburgh Steelers announce their schedule for the upcoming season.  I have a ritual where I first scan the list for any of our most hated rivals (Patriots, Iggles, Cowboys).  Then I go through each game and mentally evaluate my team’s chance of victory.  Of course, this is not an exact science as my preliminary prediction of going 15-1  in 2009 demonstrates.

I bring this up because when I saw the Minnesota Vikings on this year’s schedule, I immediately marked that one down as a W.  At the time, the Vikings were being quarterbacked by Tarvaris Jackson.  The only time Jackson was able to drive the team downfield was when the ball was snapped, he took three steps backwards, handed it off superstar RB Adrian Peterson, and stood there as Purple Jesus bulldozed over the opposing defense.  I figured the Steelers would feast on this one-dimensional team.

Enter Brett Favre.  Favre had retired for third or fourth time (I lost track) but this time it appeared he really had thrown his last NFL interception pass.  Unfortunately, as spring turned to summer and summer into fall, the Favre Saga took on more TWISTS than a M. Night Shyamalan movie.  Until, finally, the dust settled and Favre was the new quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings.

I should have known better.  I am a movie buff, after all.  What is the first rule of the horror movie?   The bad guy never dies!   Every time you think they’re finished, they pop back up to menace the nerdy kid with a heart of gold and big-breasted yet misunderstood cheerleader one last time before the credits roll.  And for those of us who are sick and tired of Favre and his wishy-washy attention whoring ways, the entire Favre Saga was nothing if not a horror movie.

Which reminded me, Halloween is right around the corner.  I was going to do a post suggesting appropriate costumes for our favorite Steelers.   You know, LaMarr Woodley as the Invisible Man, Santonio Holmes as Dirk Diggler, Skippy Reed as Lindsay Lohan.  Then I watched Friday The 13th and it dawned on me, Favre doesn’t just remind me of Jason Voorhees.  He IS Jason..

Let’s look at the ways each have come back from the dead.  In the original film, Jason doesn’t really “die”  but he is supposedly already dead, having drowned as a child attending Camp Crystal Lake.  In Part II, the stupid oversexed pot-smoking teenagers think he’s dead after driving a machete though his shoulder, only to watch him come back for one final surprise.  In Part III, an axe to the head fails to stop him, although it does leave him with a splitting headache.  Thank you, I’m here all week.  The Final Chapter (an underrated gem, in my opinion), he’s once again hacked with his own machete.  Jason Lives sees him sort of drown, although his dramatically clenched fist in the final shot indicates more mayhem to come.  Jason Takes Manhattan sees the toxic waste in a New York sewer fail to stop him.  Next time, try using the “food” sold at one of Manhattan’s toxic hot dog vendors.   You get the point.

Now let’s look at Favre’s “resurrections.”   He was originally drafted by the Atlanta Falcons, who allowed him to waste away on the bench.  He was saved when the Packers traded for him.  He eventually took over as their starter, leading them to their best record in 30 years.  He also developed an addiction to painkillers and alcohol.  Vicodin is a bad drug, folks (except when it’s really really good).  Checking into rehab was, in essence, another comeback.  Years later, Hurricane Katrina blew through Mississippi, causing extensive damage to his home.  Favre seriously contemplated taking a year off so he could be there to shake their hands, to be there to share the land, I’m talkin’ ’bout together now!  He played anyway.

That year, the Packers took Aaron Rodgers with their first round pick.  Thus began the annual “Will he retire?” idiocy.  In 2007, Favre had one of his best seasons ever, leading the Pack within a game of the Super Bowl.  The Packers rewarded him by jettisoning him in favor of Rodgers.  Favre announced his retirement.  Two months later, he un-retired to play for the New York Jets.  Those toxic sewer hot dogs weakened Favre as a hot start quickly fizzled into a disappointing injury-plagued year.  The Jets released Brett and he retired again.  This time, he stayed on the shelf for close to four months before un-retiring to suit up for the Vikes.

By my count, Jason has come back from the dead something like fourteen times.  Favre, on the other hand, has made around eight figurative or literal comebacks.  Advantage Voorhees.  However, Brett has also made 271 consecutive starts.  Jason has only made 11 movies, 12 if you count that hideous Freddy Vs. Jason crapfest.  Advantage Favre.  Hopefully when Friday the 13th comes this Sunday the 25th that advantage won’t be enough to deny the Steelers the victory I predicted for them many months ago.

In 1985, the Chicago Bears won their one and only Super Bowl Championship.  One of the stars of that team was a 370 pound defensive tackle named William “The Refrigerator” Perry.  In addition to playing on one of the greatest defenses of all-time, Perry was also used as a fullback in short-yardage situations.  He even scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl.  The combination of his size, affable personality, and versatile play transformed The Fridge into a pop culture icon.

Also during the 80′s, one of the most popular afternoon cartoons was G.I. Joe.  Until Hollywood decided to bastardize my childhood by turning it into a crappy movie, G.I. Joe was among my all-time favorites.  I read the comic books, watched the show, and bought every toy that came out.  I even sent away for the figures you could only get via mail order.

One of those figures was a special edition William “The Refrigerator” Perry.  Yes, The Fridge was a member of G.I. Joe.  As you can see by the picture above, they did a pretty nice job of capturing his likeness.  Although I was always perplexed by his choice of weapons, which appears to be a football on a stick.  I realize Cobra was a gang of idiots who couldn’t shoot straight but is the best way to combat laser fire really a FOOTBALL ON A STICK!?!?

Anyway, this got me to thinking.  If G.I. Joe came out today and they wanted to make a football player their newest recruit, who would they pick?  Of course, I’m sure they’d choose a member of the Pittsburgh Steelers because that is by far the most popular and successful team in the NFL.  The only question is who?

Let’s take a look at some possibilities:

Ben Roethlisberger – If you’re familiar with the G.I. Joe cartoon, you know that every episode followed pretty much the same pattern.  The good guys were cruising along, then the evil Cobra would strike back, backing the Joes against a wall.  Then, as time was about to expire on the free world, the Joes would mount a furious comeback to deal their enemy a decisive defeat.

Who’s better at engineering a comeback than Big Ben?

The only downside to this choice is the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.  I’d be a little worried about Ben getting fresh with some of his fellow Joes.

Dick LeBeau - G.I. Joe is America’s daring, highly trained special mission force.  As a military outfit, they need strong leadership to create strong plans of attack.   Who devises more ingenious strategies than Dick LeBeau?

Fast Willie Parker – He’s strong, fast, and extremely tough.  Although the one downside is he’d probably keep getting caught behind the enemy line.

James Harrison - I’m not sure what physical skills he’d bring to the table besides the obvious of being a world class athlete.  I’d just pick him ’cause he scares the bejeezus out of me.  I don’t know for a fact but I’d wager he has “BMF” stamped somewhere on his wallet.

Casey Hampton - Somebody has to carry the heavy artillery.  Although I do worry about him making it through boot camp.  If he thought Mike Tomlin liked wind sprints, wait until he met his drill instructor.  Hey, I’ve seen Full Metal Jacket.

However, all the Joes had really cool codenames like Tripwire, Mainframe, Chuckles, and Quick Kick.  You can’t deny “Big Snack” would be a fitting addition to that list.  I also considered Skippy Reed for this slot but I seriously doubt he’d be able to pass the V-D test.

Now, making a member of the Pittsburgh Steelers a member of G.I. Joe may seem like a crazy idea.  And maybe it is.  But I am on the right track.  You see, during the 80′s, every Joe figure came with a card that gave their biographical information.  One of the figures was said to hail from Pittsburgh.  What was his codename?

How are you spending your Fourth of July?

Former Steelers head coach Bill Cowher is visiting Iraq with three other current and former NFL head coaches. I have to give the Chin credit, he’s a braver man than I. I’m sure the security surrounding guest celebrities is ultra-tight but it’s still a war zone. Not to mention if they were to come under sniper fire, Cowher’s blindingly white teeth would reveal his position immediately.

While over in Iraq, the honor and loyalty of our troops has evidently rubbed off on Benedict Bill. The whistle-cranker was so moved by the sea of Terrible Towels which greeted him at every stop that he declared Iraq officially a part of Steeler Nation.

While I agree with the sentiment, Carolina Cowher evidently forget he no longer represents Steeler Nation. He forfeited that right when he sided against the Pittsburgh Penguins during the Stanley Cup playoffs. But I’ll put aside my petty grievances for today, it being a holiday and all. Happy Independence Day to everyone and especially to all my readers in the military. I hope this blog provides you with a little entertainment and a little piece of home while you’re stationed overseas.  We appreciate all you do to serve and protect our cowardly asses back home.

Now let’s all celebrate like true yinzers and shoot off a truckload of fireworks.

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The natives are restless in Big D.

After losing three out of their last four games, the Dallas Cowboy players aren’t the only ones pointing fingers and pushing the panic button on their season. Their fans are growing increasing unhappy with the underperformance of a team which featured no less than 11 Pro Bowlers last year. Fair or not, a good deal of their venom is directed toward head coach Wade Phillips. Their collective voices are crying out for one man to save them:

Bill Cowher.

Of course, every team with a head coaching vacancy, and even a few without one, set their sights on Coach Cowher. Two years ago, the Giants stumbled down the stretch but managed to squeak into the playoffs where they got dumped by the Philadelphia Eagles. The next day, the New York Post ran the headline “We Want Bill.” Last year, the hot rumor was Romeo Crennel was on his way out and Cowher was going to be installed as head coach and G.M. of the Cleveland Browns. But they had a surprisingly strong season and Romeo received a contract extension instead, although the way this year is going that might not last.

Everybody wants Bill Cowher. Why shouldn’t they? In 15 years here in Pittsburgh, he only missed the playoffs five times. He’s won 150 games and is in the top five of all time with a 62% win percentage. Not to mention the two Super Bowl appearances and one victory. When retreads who never accomplished anything like Denny Green keep getting shot after shot, it’s pretty obvious why Bill would be the most highly sought after coach in decades.

So I can’t blame Dallas for wanting him. But I can tell them it isn’t going to happen.

Cowher left Pittsburgh for two reasons: burn-out and money. Some people think it’s just the latter but that’s not true. Jerome Bettis called Cowher’s retirement the season before because he had confessed to the Bus that after the Super Bowl he was tired and wanted to spend time with his family. This was before contract extension talks had began with the Steelers so money was not an issue. It did become a problem after the season when it became clear that his desire to be the highest paid coach in the NFL wasn’t going to happen in Pittsburgh.

Dallas owner Jerry Jones only lure to snag Cowher would be money. Big giant piles of it. If getting the fattest paycheck he can is Bill’s only goal then Dallas could very well be in the running. But there is nothing to indicate that is the case. In fact, all evidence points to the opposite.

Prior to the 2007 season, Wayne Huizenga offered Bill Cowher basically the deal he gave Bill Parcells to coach and run the Miami Dolphins organization. Cowher turned him down, ostensibly because he wanted to spend time with his family. Being close to home is important to him, one reason why Washington, Carolina, and Atlanta were the jobs most frequently associated with him. Speaking of Atlanta, that brings us to this offseason. Falcons owner Arthur Blank offered Bill a blank check to take over that troubled franchise. Again, he turned them down. The Redskins also had a coaching vacancy and you better believe Danny Snyder would’ve opened his wallet for Bill if given the opportunity. Obviously if money were the issue, Cowher has had ample chances to, as the kids say, make the chedda.

Which brings us to the main reason why you won’t see The Chin roaming the field in the Lone Star state. Control. Bill Cowher is as headstrong a coach as you’ll find. He’s extremely demanding and extremely controlling. He’s far more Bill Parcells than Wade Phillips and everybody knows Parcells got fed up and left. If you want a caretaker to just make in-game decisions, then Cowher is not your guy.

Director of Player Personnel Tom Donohoe was run out of town because he butted heads with Coach Cowher. In Cowher’s first training camp, Huey Richardson, who had been the 15^th overall pick in the NFL Draft the previous season, demonstrated a total lack of football ability so Cowher cut him. One of the big issues during his last couple seasons was the increased authority of Dan Rooney’s son, Art III, in the organization. Where Dan leaves the team to his coaches, Art III is supposedly more involved which rubbed Bill the wrong way. In his farewell press conference, the heat between them was obvious as he specifically praised working with Dan but ignored Art, who was standing right next to him.

For this reason alone, I can’t possibly see how he’d get along with the Cowboys’ obnoxious overbearing doofus of an owner. If anybody missed HBO’s “Hard Knocks” show this year, I’ll give you a quick synopsis: Jerry Jones evaluating players. Jerry Jones making draft decisions. Jerry Jones at training camp. Jerry Jones meeting with coaches to discuss game plans. Jerry Jones giving his players motivational speeches in the locker room. See the problem yet?

Not to mention, Cowher likes blue collar hard edge football players. He hates prima donnas and crybabies. Before the AFC Championship game where San Diego upset the heavily favored Steelers, a bunch of players planned out a Super Bowl Shuffle type video. When we lost because we took our eye off the ball, Cowher was very upset with the players to the point he ran the ringleader of the video, Brentson Buckner, off the team. Wonder how he’d react to Tony Romo taking his bimbo to Cabo? One reason why they made no effort to retain Plaxico Burress was because Cowher had enough of his big mouth, criminal antics, and tendency to miss games over every broken fingernail. I’m sure he’d love T.O.

If Bill Cowher returns to the NFL, it’ll be in a situation similar to Mike Holmgren in Seattle. Total control over a team without any meddlesome input from an owner. And that will not happen in Dallas. So, sorry Cowboy fans, but NO BILL FOR YOU!

That’s head coach Mike Tomlin basking in the afterglow of his first two picks in the 2008 NFL Draft. Tomlin and Director of Player Personnel Kevin Colbert have every right to be pleased with their work as the general consensus seems to be the Pittsburgh Steelers had themselves one of the finest hauls in this year’s draft. Scanning the interwebz, it appears many of the so-called “experts” graded our picks quite generously.

Jason Cole (Yahoo Sports) – A
Paul Zimmerman (SI.com’s Dr. Z) – Very Good
Larry Weisman (USA Today) – B+
Mel Kiper (Great Hair) – B
NPC (Me) – A

Wait, I gave our draft an A? Didn’t I say in my draft preview post that taking a running back like Jonathan Stewart would be a luxury pick? Didn’t I say a luxury pick is not something we can afford with so many pressing needs? Have I gone mad?

Not really. See, when you evaluate a team’s draft, you have to do so on a sliding scale. The teams picking early almost always have the “best drafts” because they pick the biggest name players. Of course, if those drafts were really the best, or if those big names always panned out, then the Detroits and Atlantas of the world wouldn’t be picking in the top 10 seemingly every year. As John Steinbeck would say, “…the best laid plans of Mice and Matt Millen…”

Mangling of classic English literature aside, I judge a draft by value. As in, what did pass up, what did you get, and what did you give up in getting what you got? By those criteria, the Steelers did a tremendous job this weekend.

Did the draft address our needs? Well, in a word, no. Our biggest needs were OL, WR, DL, and CB in that order. The Steelers only filled one of those four needs (WR). Looking at it that way, you’d think their draft was a total disaster. But this goes back to what I said about value. We passed up guys who’d fill our needs but didn’t have legit first round ability, we got players who are talented enough that most people think they should’ve went 10 to 15 picks sooner than when we got them, and we gave up nothing in order to draft them.

Pittsburgh could’ve gone a similar route as Carolina. The Panthers also needed help on the OL and when there was a run on linemen, they panicked and traded up to get Jeff Otah. As someone who saw him play in a few Pitt games this season, the idea of using one 1st round pick on Otah is questionable. Otah has raw talent and great measurables but he’ll definitely need a lot of coaching and is far from a complete package. Carolina, however, gave up not only several picks to draft him, but next year’s 1st as well. That’s far far too steep a price.

I’m glad the Steelers didn’t play that game. Gosder Cherilus and Sam Baker are nice players but they’re both 2nd round talent. Taking them in the first would’ve been dubious. Trading future draft picks to MOVE UP to take them would’ve been insane. Especially when legitimate first round talent was there to be had.

I don’t believe in drafting specifically to fill needs. That’s how you end up with Troy Edwards instead of Jevon Kearse. I firmly believe you take the best player available. Obviously, all things being equal, you try to fill your needs first but this year, things were not equal. Every offensive lineman of any ability, projected to go in the first OR second round, was gone by the time the Steelers picked at #23. What was sitting there was a running back who many considered the 2nd best back in the entire draft.

It’s a no-brainer.

Of course, like we learned with Huey Richardson, we’ll truly see how smart the Steelers are when these guys actually put on some pads and take the field.