I don’t want to like Chad Johnson.  But sometimes, I can’t help it.

This year, HBO featured the Cincinnati Bengals on their Hard Knocks series.  The show was pretty much mind-numbingly with two exceptions.  The first being whenever owner Mike Brown or his equally clueless daughter (who, inexplicably, negotiates contracts) were demonstrating how ineptly they run their franchise.  The other was whenever Ochocinco had his weekly spotlight, such as in the clip above. I defy anybody to watch that and tell me he doesn’t come across as one of those rare athletes who is legitimately funny and entertaining like Shaquille O’Neal.

I don’t want to like Chad Johnson.  But sometimes, I can’t help it.

Recently, I was offered the chance to review a copy of Chad’s new book, Ochocinco What Life and Football Have Thrown My Way.  I agreed because I needed to know if I was losing my mind.  I needed to know if the Chad on Hard Knocks was an optical illusion or a figment of my imagination. As a diehard Pittsburgh Steelers fan, I needed my hate back.

The book begins with a highly detailed description of Ocho’s luxurious Florida mansion.  Then it began describing all the expensive cars parked in the driveway of this luxurious Florida mansion.  Now, I don’t begrudge anybody their success but when you go out of your way to stress exactly how well off you are, it either means you’re extremely shallow or have a small penis.  I began to regret my decision to review this book.

After a few pages devoted to his fleet of high-priced automobiles, Chad mentioned the car he has up in Cincy. It happens to be a Dodge Charger painted to look like the General Lee.  Of course, it says “General Ochocinco” across the top but let’s give a brother a break. That’s exactly what I would buy if I could run, jump, catch, and do the Riverdance. It’s still really cool. And just like that, I was sucked right back in.

I don’t want to like Chad Johnson.  But sometimes, I can’t help it.

The rest of the book is a unique combination of a biography and The World According to Chad.  At 272 pages, they easily could have lopped about thirty pages off that total.  Chad has a tendency to chew his cabbage not just twice but six or seven times.  Some things, such as the rumor he punched a coach during halftime of the 2005 Steelers-Bengals playoff game, must really bother him because he bring it up in order to deny it almost every chapter.

Which brings me to the best part of the book.  Even though it’s Chad’s story, he invited others to present their points of view.  Some might add that to the category of “padding” but I thought it made for the most interesting reading.  For example, another of Ocho’s frequent protests is he doesn’t want to hurt/offend anybody, he just wants to have fun.  This is why he’s so proud of his elaborate touchdown celebrations (in fact, he devotes an entire chapter to them), including the one where he put on a “Future Hall of Famer” cape.  Well, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis didn’t appreciate that antic one bit and I commend Chad for printing his no punches pulled rebuttal.

Actually, in many ways Lewis is as much the star of this book as his star receiver.  You may not have heard but earlier this week, Chad was planning to send a case of mustard to the Steelers.  Lewis got wind of  it and put the kibosh on his plan, because you don’t step on Superman’s cape and you don’t piss off the Steelers D.  Anyway, the book is full of stories similar to that, with Ocho playing the mischievous kid and Marvin channeling Cliff Huxtable  Those two should really have their own sitcom.

At this point, I’m sure some of you are wondering why a Steelers fan, perhaps one still not won over by Ochocinco’s personality, would be interested in this book.  For one, Chad has a lot of choice criticisms of the Bengals organization (this was written back when he was desperately trying to get traded).  Most notable are his comments regarding the decision to fire Dick LeBeau, who was their head coach early in his career.  Secondly, Chad shares a lot of observations about the NFL in general, including several Steelers.  His spirited defense of the “NFL’s Dirtiest Player” Hines Ward may surprise you.  He also has a number of great Joey Porter quotes for those of us who miss seeing Peezy in the Black and Gold.

No mentions of Ike Taylor, though.  I guess it makes sense, since yet another of his beaten horses is nobody can cover him (ever) and he’s always open (always).  He rationalizes his poor season last year by claiming the Bengals QBs were told not to throw him the ball as punishment for trying to get traded.  I guess that’s one way of looking at things but I still would’ve liked to see him explain why Face Me Ike always seems to shut him down.  Hey, there’s no shame in being stopped by the Steelers.

Whatever you think about Ochocinco, this book won’t do much to change those feelings one way or the other.  Every chapter, you get a brief glimpse of the real Chad, the funny likable personable guy you saw in that video clip.  The Chad who had a long hard road to the NFL from humble beginnings raised by his grandmomma in Liberty City, Florida.  When you’re raised the same place they set a Grand Theft Auto game, you know you’ve come far.  It’s just too bad he feels the need to switch back into the Ochocinco character so frequently.

Still, I can’t help liking Chad Johnson.  But I still want him to suck against the Steelers.

Last week, Mike over at Bear Goggles On answered some of our questions about his team.  Since his words seemed tragically prophetic (I’m looking at you, Johnny Knox), I thought we’d go behind enemy lines once again to take a look at this week’s opponent, the Cincinnati Bengals.

Mickey over at WhoDeyFans agreed to answer some questions about this year’s squad.  Let’s take a look at his answers…

Has Carson Palmer rebounded from his injury plagued 2008?

As far as the injury, I think he is physically 100%. However, after having a whole season off, and then an ankle injury in the preseason, he needs to get back into game playing mode with his receivers. Palmer has made some great throws this season and some bad ones. I think as the season progresses he will get tighter and in better timing with the wide outs. He is not a major concern going into this game.

How are the thugs criminals reclamation projects (Cedric Benson, Chris Henry, Tank Johnson) on your team working out?

Cedric Benson seems to be the workhorse running back the Bengals need. His punishing running style also seems to fit in well in the AFC North. He looks to hit whoever is in his way, he had a great hit last weekend on a safety that got him an extra yard. Last season he blasted some guy with long hair in the Pitt secondary and knocked him silly. We at WhoDeyFans are big supporters of Chris Henry. While we don’t condone illegal activity, when the guy plays he is awesome. In 2006 when he faced the Steelers as the number 3 wideout he had something like 196yds and 3 td’s in two games. He has scored in every game but one this season (including preseason). Tank adds something else the Bengals have needed for a long time, defensive line depth. Just the ability to rotate guys in and out makes the defensive line stronger.

The Bengals lost in week 1 on a miracle last second play by, um, I forget what receiver ended up catching the ball…

Oh, that’s right, Stokley.   Anyway, was your reaction to the crazy turn of events anywhere near as vociferous as Gus Johnson’s?

Well, I was at the game and it sucked. My initial reaction is the same as my thoughts now. You are not going to win many NFL games when you don’t score until less than a minute remains. The Bengals defense kept the game winnable and the offense laid an egg. Last week against Green Bay the offense showed up and gave the Bengals fans some hope.

Carson Palmer’s unfortunate problems with injuries, that fluky last second loss, even your 2009 first round draft pick broke his foot after only one day of practice.  Why do these things always seem to happen to the Bengals?

Palmer never really had a problem with injuries until the one last season. Granted, he was injured in the playoff loss to Pitt in 2005 but I think that was a fluke play that would have had anyone out. He recovered and missed no time the next season. That being said, I don’t think the Bengals have any worse luck than any other NFL team. The Patriots last year lost Brady right off the bat and still managed to go 11 and 5. The major difference between the Bengals and these other teams starts at the top. The Bengals are terrible at scouting and finding players to fit the system. If ownership doesn’t realize this and make a change, any small misfortune will lead to major disappointment for Bengal fans.

Prediction (and no, you’re not eligible to win the $100 gift certificate from Dick’s Sporting Goods):

Ben has never lost in Ohio. The Steelers own the Bengals especially in Paul Brown, however, I think that all changes this week. In the past the Bengals have beat the Steelers with an explosive offense only. This year the Bengals boast a defense that is better than the offense. The Bengals should be able to handle the Steelers offense a little better than the past and the offense can put up around 21 – 24 points on anyone. Bengals win 27 – 24.

Pittsburgh Steelers defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau was named one of the two senior nominees for NFL Hall of Fame induction.  He was nice enough to share his thoughts on the matter with us here at NPC.

Coach Tomlin told us after practice that I’m a finalist for the Hall of Fame thanks to the senior committee.  Good kid, that Coach Tomlin.  Reminds me of Lem Barney.  As for the Hall of Fame, all I can say is about time.

The damn sports writers only had 51 years to elect me to the Hall.  Yep, I joined the NFL back in 1959 when I was drafted by the Cleveland Browns.  Believe it or not, they were good back then.  The Browns cut me in camp but I managed to hook on with the Detroit Lions, where I played for the next 14 years.  That’s when Detroit ruled the auto industry with manly cars that put out 400 horsepower while getting five miles a gallon.   I still drive a Ford.  Nancy Boys buy a ricer, son.

When my playing days were over, I finished seventh all-time in career interceptions.  That’s a lot harder than it sounds.  Today, you have these pansy offenses that sling the ball to the left and sling the ball to the right forty times a game.  In my day, teams threw the ball only when they absolutely had to.  If I had gimpy arm nincompoops like Chad Pennington chucking the pigskin my way two dozen times every game, my record would still stand.

I also set a record for cornerbacks by playing 171 consecutive games.  Nowadays, you have trainers, massage therapists, and a specialist for every damn part of the body.  We had dirt.  Sprain your ankle?  Rub dirt on it and take a lap.  Strain your balls?  Rub dirt on it and take a lap.  Dislocate your shoulder?  Rub dirt on it and take a lap.

After my playing days, I was lucky enough to move into coaching.  I bounced around as an assistant until I finally became a defensive coordinator in 1984.  Altogether, I’ve been a d-coordinator for 19 years and three different teams.  People say that I innovated defensive strategery by inventing such schemes as the Zone Blitz.  I just say I hate quarterbacks.

The big knock against me seems to be my lack of head coaching success.  I was only the top man once, a 3 year stint with the Cincinnati Bengals earlier this decade.  C’mon, it was the BENGALS.  Sure I didn’t accomplish much but there’s only so much one man can do when an organization is rotten to the core.   A coaching committee of Don Shula, Tom Landry, and Chuck Noll couldn’t fix those losers.

I owe everything to my players.  If they hadn’t spoken up for me, I’d probably still be waiting for that nomination.  I think the words of former Steeler Rod Woodson during his recent HOF induction speech finally opened some eyes.  Good kid, that Woodson.  Reminded me of Night Train Lane.

Everything I’ve done is because of my players.  All the top ranked defenses.  All the Super Bowl championships.  All because of their hard work and talent.  They call me Coach Dad, which means a lot to me although if I were their father, I’d tell Keisel to stop getting all those damn tattoos and Polamalu to cut his hair.  He looks like one of those damn dirty hippies we used as tackling dummies back in the 60′s.  Anyway, I owe it all to them but if I played some part in putting those boys in a position to succeed, I’ll gladly accept your nomination.  Now get off my lawn, I have a practice to run.