I wanted to be a scientist when I grew up. Don’t ask me to specify which science. I just knew “scientist” sounded like a pretty cool job. Plus, there was always the hope I would some day get accidentally bombarded by gamma radiation. Then came calculus and I quickly realized “scientist” might not be my intended career path after all.

I still admire what they do. When I was at Carnegie Mellon, I was always eager to hear about their advancements in robotics and artificial intelligence. When our evil metallic overlords rise up to enslave us all, you can safely direct a large amount of the blame toward that fine institution. I also enjoyed hearing about how their robotic creations were used to find and explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before…

Of course, some scientists do their exploring the old fashioned way. They use a big ass telescope. Recently, a Dr. Eric Mamajek , clearly a man of high moral character and good taste in an oasis of Massholes, peeked through his big ass telescope and saw something between Mars and Jupiter. They call it a “minor planet” although that sounds like calling something a “minor groin pull.” Ain’t nothing minor about either one.

The International Astronomical Union, an organization which no doubt purchases pocket protectors in bulk, has officially named it 7835 Myroncope.

Yes, Myron Cope has a freakin’ planet named after him. A minor planet, but a planet nonetheless. No word yet on whether they plan to send a space probe over to plant a Terrible Towel in the soil. But they should.

Other football related news:

–Taking a cue from Carlton Haselrig, several Steelers decided to turn mini-camp practices into an MMA event last week. “I don’t know, maybe they’ve been watching Georges Laraque,” said OL Max Starks. No Max, if they’d been watching Laraque, they would’ve stood around watching other people start shit while waiting for the coach to tap them on the shoulder and remind them they’re supposed to be an enforcer.

–The Post-Gazette thinks Marvel Smith is in the same boat as Alan Faneca. I guess they’re doing P.R. work for agents now. Sure, they’re in the same boat. Unless you count the fact Faneca is a five-time Pro Bowler while Smith made it once and Faneca is relatively healthy while Smith is coming off major back surgery which caused him to pretty much miss the entire season last year.

–Franco Harris spoke at Brashear High School. Meanwhile over in Hampton, Ben Roethlisberger visited Wyland Elementary. Luckily for Wyland, their second choice, Roger Clemens, declined their invitation. He already had a date for the weekend.

—Ex-Steeler/Super Bowl Champion Plaxico Burress is holding out for more money. Who didn’t see this one coming? He’s an elite player when he’s not missing every other game over some injury or totally disappearing in the playoffs. Burress did come up man-sized in bringing down the hated Patriots, though, so he’ll always get my respect for that.

–“Raven For Life,” Jonathan Ogden retires. Know what that means? Whichever talentless scrub Baltimore decides to trot out there this season just got a little easier for us to sack.

–The Bengals released both WR Chris Henry and LB Odell Thurman. If Cincinnati continues to remove all the criminals from their roster, they might not have enough players to field a team.

–Bills RB Marshawn Lynch is in trouble over an alleged hit-and-run incident. The Curse of O.J. Simpson, perhaps?

Somebody once said, “Cheaters never win and winners never cheat.” That person was probably a loser. If being a modern day sports fan has taught us anything, it’s that honesty is not the best policy. You want to become the all-time greatest home run hitter? You cheat. You want to become the greatest pitcher of the modern era? You cheat. You want to win three Super Bowls in seven years? You cheat.

The problem with all this cheating is nothing can be done about it. Oh sure, rules can be changed or penalties can be stiffened so it doesn’t happen again in the future. But nothing can be done about the past misdeeds. Once the home run record is broken, it’s broken. Once the Super Bowl has been played, it’s been played. The cheaters have already won.

That’s why I’ve resisted writing about the newest revelations in the New England Patriots “Spygate” scandal. It seems our ever intrepid Senator Arlen Specter has uncovered a long, detailed history of sign stealing and illegal signal taping by New England coach/documentary filmmaker Bill Belichick. Included in those misdeeds are four instances where the Patriots pilfered signals from our beloved Pittsburgh Steelers.

Belichick has finally broken his silence on the subject. The main gist of his claim is that any information gleaned from those tapes was of negligible value. Really Bill? Then why even bother doing it? If watching grown men go through a complicated series of hand gestures is your idea of a hot Saturday night, more power to you. Mine usually involves a bucket of chicken and a stack of Katie Morgan movies so I won’t judge. However, that explanation is so weak, even Roger Clemens wouldn’t buy it.

Also, why were the Steelers a horrid 1-3 in those games? Coincidence? Strangely enough, I remember the AFC Championship game back in 2004 quite vividly. Hopes were high that year. Even though our quarterback was then rookie Ben Roethlisberger, he still managed to lead us to a 15-1 record including a 34-20 dismantling of the Pats earlier in the season. Alas, the game was an absolute disaster, with our team ending up on the wrong side of a 41-27 pasting. I remember how clueless and confused Ben looked. I remember how the Patriots seemed to be two steps ahead of him all game. I remember my Grandpa calling for Tommy Maddox because, as he very astutely pointed out, we needed a veteran quarterback who could be trusted to call an audible when it was obvious the defense was ready for the play about to be run. Strange how things start to make sense in hindsight.

Steelers owner, Dan Rooney, has come out in defense of the league. Of course he has. Rooney is nothing if not a good company man. The last thing he or any NFL owner wants are Congressional hearings into his sport. It doesn’t change the fact that something stinks and I’m not talking about “Cloverfield.” A giant lobster? Seriously? I waited 90 freakin’ minutes for a giant freakin’ lobster?

The key point here is the timeline. The Jets game was on September 9th. Commissioner Roger Goodell completed his investigation and penalized the Patriots on the 13th. The Patriots didn’t turn over the tapes and notes regarding the spying until the 17th. I repeat for emphasis, they issued the punishment before they even knew the extent of the offense. How is this possible? Is Goodell a pre-cog? Unless he and Tom Cruise go jet-packing around the slums of New York on weekends, the fact he imposed a penalty before he even knew the crime tells me he wasn’t interested in justice, he just wanted the issue to blow over.

As I already said, the problem is what can be done about this situation? If Specter holds a hearing and succeeds in finding out the depth of the Patriots skullduggery, what good does that do? We’ll never get that AFC Championship game back. The Rams or the Iggles aren’t going to be awarded the Super Bowl by disqualification like in a bad wrestling match. But I would like to see even more penalties imposed on New England.

It’s like the NCAA. If they discover recruiting violations from five years ago, you’re penalized going forward. This is how the NFL should handle it. The Pats other #1 draft pick this year? Gone. Their #1 pick next year? Gone. Monday night games? Gone. And how about this…Bill Belichick? One year suspension. Hey, if a college program did the kinds of things the New England organization did, we wouldn’t see them in a bowl game for 5 years. No Tom Brady on my television, no weekly columns by Bill Simmons to inform us how Belichick enjoys rescuing stray kittens* on his days off. And, hopefully, if instant karma really does get you, no Patsies in any sort of Bowl for quite a while.

*to sell to coat factories

…but I toldja so.

All the signs were there if you know what to look for. It almost seemed inevitable the Steelers would lose to the hapless Jets. Yet, I’m sure we all wished upon our lucky stars, four-leaf clovers, and bald-headed midgets that somehow, some way, the Steelers would manage to pull off a win. It was not to be.

Now we know where the Steelers truly stand in the hierarchy of the NFL. We’re not a #2 seed. We’re not better than the Colts. We might be a little better than the Chargers, but not by as much as records would indicate. We’re definitely not even in the same stratosphere as the Patriots.

Before you dismiss this post as some sort of “The Sky is Falling” rant by a disgruntled yinzer, read some of my older posts on this blog. I’ve been saying for four weeks now that this team has some very serious fundamental flaws which would eventually end up costing them games. The Steelers have been fortunate this year in overcoming their mistakes and shortcomings but the problem with playing with fire is sooner or later you burn off your eyebrows and have to draw them back in like a whiny emo kid.

This was by far the worst performance of the season. A large part of the blame for this should be placed on Mike Tomlin. The Steelers played some horribly sloppy and undisciplined football yesterday. We had 8 penalties for, get ready, 100 yards!! One pass interference call set up a field goal. Another was an inexcusable roughing the passer call on Aaron Smith which kept a drive alive. Finally, the most costly, a defensive holding penalty, cost us a 5 point swing (we would’ve had a safety, they finally kicked a field goal) when Kellen Clemens fumbled the ball out of the endzone. Beyond the penalties, there was some wonky play calling, such as running draw plays with FB Cary Bates on third-and-longs. They did that in their lone overtime possession in what amounted to a give up play, leading to the punt (and punt return) that ended the game.

A large reason the Jets were able to get so many field goals is they had great starting position all game because of Tomlin’s “Pooch and Pray” kickoff strategy. Our special teams have been horrendous this year and while I applaud Tomlin addressing the issue, his answer is not the answer anybody wants to hear. It’s embarrassing for a professional football team to just give up on covering kick offs and conceding field position. How about, I dunno, BRINGING IN GUYS WHO CAN PLAY SPECIAL TEAMS?

The biggest failing yesterday was, once again, our porous offensive line. As the picture up top there indicates, you could drive Optimus Prime through the holes in our line. Jets blew through Sean Mahan, Alan Faneca, and Kendall Simmons like Britney Spears and a bottle of tequila. The worst, however, was Willie Colon, who did a terrific impression of a revolving door all day long. Yes, they didn’t get help from Ben Roethlisberger, who on occasion held the ball way too long (little hint: if nobody’s open, THROW IT AWAY), or Willie Parker (52 yards on 21 carries), whose knee injury looks to be worse than they’re letting on because he had very little burst or cutback ability.

It all begins with the offensive line and the Steelers’ is in total disarray right now. This shouldn’t be surprising to anybody who has been watching this team, however. Cleveland came into last week’s game with 7 sacks ALL SEASON. They collected 5 in that one game. The Jets had only 9 ALL SEASON and yesterday they piled up a ridiculous 7. Clearly, the off-season retirement of C Jeff Hartings is killing this team as his replacement, Mahan, is not doing the job. Colon and Simmons are wildly inconsistent. Even perennial All-Pro Faneca isn’t looking like the dominant pass blocker he usually is which makes me wonder if the Steelers not signing him has something to do with feeling he’s declining with his age. I don’t know what the answer is but something needs to change and it needs to change in a hurry or we’re going to be one-and-out in the playoffs.

1. A contest between two teams which appears to be a mismatch causing the superior team to either look ahead and/or take their opponent lightly thereby turning a certain win into a stunning defeat

2. Steelers-Jets

“Trap Game” is fast becoming one of the most overused trendy expressions since “jump the shark” entered popular lexicon. Just like every dweeb with a keyboard and access to aintitcoolnews.com would eagerly jump online to proclaim their favorite show “jumped the shark” when Mulder failed to mack on Scully or nobody bothered to explain what the hell that goofy black smoke-monster is doing on the island for the fifteenth time, it seems you can’t go on any sports-related website or blog without seeing the word “Trap Game” thrown around

But in the case of this week’s game against the New York Jets, the term “Trap Game” has never been more appropriate. The Jets are 1-8. They’re starting a newbie quarterback. All point to an easy win for the Black and Gold. Except the Steelers are coming off the emotional, Homecoming-like atmosphere of the Monday night game against Baltimore and then another emotional come-from-behind thriller against Cleveland. Next week, we have equally hapless Miami. In three weeks, we have a looming showdown with the New England Patriots. If ever there was a chance for us to come into a game flat, distracted, and emotionally spent, it’s this week.

After last year’s surprisingly successful season, and a guest-appearance on “The Sopranos,” Jets head coach Eric Mangini was dubbed the “ManGenius.” This year, he’s more of a Mangina as his biggest accomplishment was being the douche who tattled on Bill Belichek, touching off Spygate. Tony and I have three things in common: we’re Italian, we have mothers who nag incessantly, and we can’t stand snitches.

Anyway, although my preview can’t possibly compete with the one John has offerred below (is it just me or is the chick on the right sporting some massive cameltoe action?), I will endeavor to provide my weekly breakdown of the game.

Steelers Defense vs. Jets Offense

The only realistic chance I see for the Jets to score is if they wear their New York Titans throwback uniforms, lulling the Steelers D to sleep with the dull colors and uninspired design thereby allowing their players to run by them and score. People bitch about the Steeler throwbacks (I like them, by the way. The Mustard Helmets look lame, though) but no wonder the Titans went the way of vinyl LPs, Crystal Pepsi, and Britney Spears’ career. Even Denzel Washington couldn’t make those look good.

Kellen Clemens will make his third NFL start at QB this week. He took over for Chad Pennington, who was inexplicably allowed to start about 3 weeks longer than he should have. Pennington was a warrior with nifty footwork and sharp decision making but his arm is weaker than Happy Hour drinks down at Station Square. With Pennington’s candy arm eliminating anything more than 20 yards down the field, the Jets were forced to stick to short and intermediate routes, allowing opposing defenses to stack more than 8 in the box, making the run-after-catch impossible and totally killing any chance for RB Thomas Jones to get on track. It also didn’t help that their two main wide receivers (Lavernes Coles and Jerricho Cotchery) are mostly possession type wideouts so as long as our tackling is good, there isn’t much threat of a big play.

Clemens put up some nice numbers in his second start against a pretty good Washington defense. But the Steelers are a totally different animal. D-Coordinator Dick Lebeau has made a career out of abusing young signal callers. No team in the NFL is better at disguising their blitzes and coverage than the Steelers. Their linebackers and secondary are so athletic, you know somebody is covering and somebody is coming at you but you never know who, when, how many, and where they’re coming from. Clemens is going to be like a virgin on prom night: confused, befuddled, and blindly groping around hoping to hit on some random sequence of events which hit the jackpot.

DE Aaron Smith returned last week for the Steelers and you could immediately see a vast improvement in the run defense. You hardly heard the names of CBs Deshea Townshend or Ike Taylor which is a good thing because it meant their coverage was so good, Derek Anderson didn’t think they were open enough to throw at. FS Ryan Clark is out for the season. He’ll be replaced by Anthony Smith who I truly believe is an upgrade as long as he keeps his attitude under control and doesn’t draw any stupid taunting penalties like he did last week.

Steelers Offense vs. Jets Defense

Shaun Ellis was one of the more promising defensive ends in the game but coaching changes and injuries have limited his ability to play to his potential. LB Bryan Thomas has some skill but he also hasn’t played up to his potential. By far the weakest part of their defense last year was the secondary. They went out and drafted Pitt’s own Darelle Revis in order to rectify this situation.

As an aside, the draftniks last year had Revis being snatched up the the Steelers if he fell to pick #15. Those sneaky Jets took him at #14. I wonder how our D would look if we would’ve picked him up. Coming off last year where he was beat like a redheaded stepchild before being relegated to the bench, the Steelers had clearly soured on Ike Taylor. Had we drafted Revis and given him the big contract number one picks always demand, it’s highly possible Ike would be playing elsewhere this season.

Anyway, the Jets corners stunk last year while this year, they’re, well, they’re not much better. They’re starting Steeler castoff Hank Poteat for crying out loud. HANK POTEAT. That should tell you how thin they are at CB. Neither Andre Dyson or Justin Miller are very good, either. Revis has shown flashes of brilliance but he’s a rookie so he’s still prone to rookie mistakes plus he never gets the benefit of any of the calls you get when you’re a more established presence in the league.

WRs Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes will have a field day against this motley crew. TE Heath Miller, an emerging star who very soon deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as the Dallas Clarks and Jeremy Shockeys of the world, should also have a good game. I can’t see anybody in NY’s secondary being able to handle his combination of size and speed.

If Ben Roethlisberger is healthy, I expect another huge day from him. Health is a concern, however, as he’s been getting banged up (the injury report lists both hip and shoulder injuries among his more serious ailment) from the constant scrambling he’s been forced to do. Last week, I wished for the O-Line to give Big Ben a little shelter. Unfortunately, you don’t always get what you want. But if you try, sometimes, you get what you need.