As regular readers of NPC surely expect, this is where I’d usually post some random news and/or talk a little smack about our upcoming opponents. Considering this week’s game is against longtime rival the Dallas Cowboys, I’m sure many of you thought I’d unveil a masterpiece along the lines of “29 Reasons Pittsburgh Is Better Than Dallas” or “Top Ten Venereal Diseases Tony Romo Has Contracted From Skanky Blondes.”

Sorry to disappoint.

I tried to do something like that but my heart wasn’t in it. Don’t misunderstand, I hate the Cowboys, more than any team not from Cleveland or coached by a hoodie wearing douchebag. But at the same time, I also have to respect them. When you look at the NFL, there are really two teams which stand out as the crown jewel franchises. One of course is the Steelers while the only other choice has to be the Cowboys.

Whenever a team is successful, you’ll find a segment of the country jumping on the bandwagon trying to feel like winners. This allegiance is always short-lived, ending as soon as said team stops winning Super Bowls. In the late 80s, 49er gear was all over the place. Has anybody bought red and gold merchandise in over a decade? When Green Bay and Denver had their brief moments in the spotlight, they garnered a smattering of nationwide support but most of that was pity and none of it was sustained over the years. As for the most dominant team of the 00s, nobody outside of New England cares one iota about the Pats except to hate them.

The only two truly national franchises are the Steelers and Cowboys. The Cowboys call themselves “America’s Team” and while that bit of hyperbole is typical of an arrogant organization, it is also true you’re just as likely to find a Cowboy fan in Bangor, Maine or Butte, Montana as in Dallas, Texas. Likewise, Steeler Nation extends far and wide as is evidenced by the waves of Black and Gold which invade road stadiums in numbers like no other.

So why do I hate them? Why can’t I establish mutual respect and leave it at that? Why does Batman hate the Joker? Why does Superman enjoy punching Lex Luthor in the mouth? Why?

Because we are the same but opposite. One is summer while the other is the winter. One is light while the other is dark. One is good while the other is evil. I think you can figure out which is which.

The Steelers are and have always been a blue collar team which emphasizes gritty nose to the grindstone hard-work. The Cowboys are and have always been prime time flash and dash glitzy Hollywood red carpet superstars. In fact, they’ve had players named Prime Time and Hollywood.

The Steelers have always been about the whole being more than the sum of the parts. To quote the wise Mr. Spock, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.” We’ve never had a situation where one specific player is our whole franchise. We never make one player the centerpiece of an entire team. That’s all Dallas ever does. Theirs is a culture of individualism. They’ll find a great RB or a great LB or a great QB but when that player goes down (as Romo did this year or Terrell Owens did last year), the team immediately falls apart. No wonder their fans wanted Bill Cowher and his belief in the team to come and save them earlier this year.

The Cowboys are owned by an irritating jackass of a man who insists on being the team’s General Manager.  Jerry Jones shameless self-promotion stands in stark contrast to the quiet dignity exuded by one of the most respected owners in all of sports, Dan Rooney. This is no doubt why the Cowboys have experienced over a half dozen coaching changes since 1993 while we’ve had one. Their meddlesome owner is at the root of their Machiavellian “win at all costs” strategy. He will bring in any player, regardless of character or past misdeeds, if he thinks it will help them win. Locker room cancers (T.O), gun-toting maniacs (Tank Johnson), and stripper beating miscreants (Pacman Jones) are all welcome in Big D. The Steelers systematically rid themselves of such players, even if they’re supremely talented, such as in the case of Plaxico Burress, an undeniably superior WR whose pea-brained antics continue to embarrass his team to this day.

Tony Romo knows he has crossed over to the Dark Side. That’s why he recently tried to cleanse his karma by taking a foul-smelling bum to the movies. Sure, this isn’t nearly as impressive as Ben Roethlisberger using Jedi Mind Tricks to talk a crazed gunmen out of bustin’ a cap in his ass but it was nice of him to pay it forward since nobody has been luckier these past few years than ‘ol Tony. Besides, what’s so impressive about sitting next to a homeless pan-handler? He let Britney Spears sit on his lap so obviously he’s not put off by strange odors.

Look, here’s the moral of the story. Sometimes good wins but occasionally evil is triumphant. Like in Super Bowl XXX where coke-snorting Mike Irvin and his band of whoring madmen handed the Steelers their lone Super Bowl defeat when Christian gentlemen/future astroturf salesman Neil O’Donnell was paid off by Jerry Jones threw two badly timed interceptions. They’re still paying for that win as they’ve never won another. Hopefully when Good emerges victorious this week, we’ll set their playoff hopes back enough to add another year to that penance.

How awesome is that commercial?  I’ve watched it four times in the past hour and still wanna see it again.  Something had to make up for that ridiculous Ben Roethlisberger auditions for ”American Idol” ad which aired last season.   The greatness of Troy Polamalu aside, I’m not prepared to declare it the best Steeler-related commercial ever however.  No, not Mean Joe giving the kid his jersey either.   My favorite will always be, you guessed it, “Nice pick, Cowah!”

Watching Steeler commercials on a continuous loop must mean only one thing:  BYE WEEK.   Yes, this is that one week a year us Pittsburghers dread, the Steelerless Sunday.  I was going to do a run down of the week’s games and offer some of my always insightful analysis but then I realized “who cares about other teams?”  I’m sure football fanatics and degenerate gamblers are salivating over the sexy Miami Dolphins-Houston Texans match-up but I can’t really muster up any interest.  When you’re used to drinking fine champagne, a can of PBR doesn’t entice you (although it works wonders on coeds from Pitt, frat boys must save a bundle on roofies).

Anyway, before I resume my regularly scheduled posting habits next week, I thought I’d just post a few a news items of interest to tide Steeler Nation over until then.

–Gene Collier, who I believe has been a columnist since I was in 3rd grade, wrote about Santonio Holmes’ hometown. Readers of this blog know I covered the story and posted an awesome video on this subject THREE MONTHS AGO.  Way to stay hip and current Post-Gazette.  Seriously, though, watch the video (and comment).  It’s one of the best segments I’ve ever seen.

–Speaking of Santonio, the reason for his sudden disappearance last week was evidently because he got kicked in the junk. Of course, you have to read between the lines in the always family friendly P-G.  Landed on someone’s shoe = kicked.  Lower abdominal region = junk.  If anybody saw the pictures of Holmes taken this summer by his girlfriend groupie ho, you’d know what a major catastrophe this could’ve been.

–Also in junk-related news, did anybody hear about Browns TE Kellen Winslow being sent to the hospital for “undisclosed reasons?” Turns out the undisclosed reasons were swollen testicles. They really better start Brady Quinn because now his boredom is affecting the whole team.

–Mister Woodley is not pleased.  I implored you to vote for a Steeler Sweep in the weekly NFL awards and we did not get the job done.   Big Ben won Offensive Player of the Week and Mike Tomlin won Coach of the Week but LaMarr Woodley came up short in his bid for the Defensive Award. He will no doubt take his anger out on the Cincinnati Bungles next weekend.  By the way, check out the list of past Defensive winners.  Mister Woodley and Troy won back-to-back weeks one and two and then J-Peezy (Joey Porter) took it in week three.  Blitzburgh defense is truly a wonderful thing.

–James Harrison was fined $20,000 for suggesting the officials should be fined for their atrocious performance in the Jacksonville game.  Hines Ward was also slapped with a $5,000 fine for unnecessary roughness in the Baltimore game.  The rub?  He was never flagged for unnecessary roughness.  So evidently Roger “See No Evil” Goodell can see evil and can even see evil on videotape but it has to be three weeks after it occurred and when the officials who are standing two feet from the plays saw nothing at all.

Have a good weekend, or at least as good as it can be without a glorious Steeler victory, and I’ll be back next week with my regularly scheduled smack talk.

When did Pittsburgh become the new Cincinnati?

This week saw yet another tally added to the litany of off-season woes when Steely McBeam, our much beloved reviled mascot, was arrested and charged with a DUI. Acting swiftly, the Steelers Cedric Wilson’d his ass before the ink on the police blotter dried. Whether his firing means that we have now lost our second cartoonish figure with an absurdly large chin in as many seasons is not known. What is known is sadly, this is not the worst Pittsburgh mascot related scandal in city history. That honor would go to the Pirate Parrot, who was once busted for selling blow to players back in the early 80’s.

In other Steeler related legal proceedings, Najeh Davenport was found not guilty of all criminal charges in his domestic violence case. The Dump Truck can breathe easy, secure in the knowledge the only black brown mark on his otherwise spotless record will continue to be the incident where he was busted for shitting in his ex-girlfriend’s closet.

This brings me to the topic of the recent controversy over the release of Cedric Wilson on the heels on a similar domestic abuse case being filed against Pro Bowl linebacker James Harrison. It seems like there are a number of columnists, both local and national, who are using the situation to expose the Steelers as hypocrites or the same as any other team when it comes to character issues. Mark Madden, a popular local talk show/self-promoting fool, has been particularly vocal about the perceived double-standard.

Well, there is no double-standard. If you spend thirty seconds to analyze the situations and if you know anything about Steeler history, you’d know their behavior this off-season is no different than it has been any other off-season. The Steelers have never, NEVER, been the type of team who cut a player at the first hint of trouble. As noted, Davenport was arrested for domestic abuse and he wasn’t cut on sight. Current wide out Santonio Holmes was arrested for disorderly conduct three weeks after he was drafted. Cedric Wilson was arrested on a prior charge of domestic abuse and he wasn’t cut either.

The Steelers have always shown they are willing to let the legal process play out before making a judgement about a player. The only reason their hand was forced with Wilson was he went into a PUBLIC place and, in front of dozens of impartial witnesses, smacked the taste out of his girlfriend’s mouth. At that point, there is no grey area. At that point, there is no benefit of the doubt.

This has nothing to do with one being an All-Pro and the other being the #4 wide receiver. Pittsburgh has consistently shown that they have no problem cutting talented players if they feel their personal issues or conduct reflects poorly on the organization. We had a fantastic Pro Bowl offensive lineman named Carleton Haselrig. The Steelers cut him when his problems with alcohol and love for driving his motorcycle through McKees Rocks wearing his helmet BACKWARDS left them no choice. Anybody remember Bam Morris? He was our star running back, 1,000 yard rusher, and almost single-handedly won Super Bowl XXX when our quarterback suddenly lost his ability to distinguish black jerseys from white. The Steelers cut him loose when he was caught in Texas with approximately ten pounds of marijuana in his trunk. Guess he got a discount for buying in bulk.

The point is, the Steelers have not tarnished their reputation in any way this off-season. They are simply continuing to employ the standards and policies for personal conduct they always have. As a respectable organization, to even put them in the same category as Cincinnati or Baltimore is beyond laughable. Those organizations have players who’ve been arrested dozens of times and/or actually served jail time for their involvement in shootings. Pittsburgh would never tolerate that which is why we’re still better than them.

I applaud the Rooneys for their fair and even-handed approach to running their organization. Unlike what the pulpit-thumpers or publicity seekers would have you believe, professional athletes are at a greater risk for exaggerated charges and false accusations simply because of who they are. Remember Randy Moss had a restraining order slapped on him the week before the Super Bowl? That went away, didn’t it?

To err is human, to forgive is divine. Except in the case of Steely McBeam. Good riddance to that buffoon. Besides, I hear Dallas is interested in a new mascot. He should be expecting a phone call from Jerry Jones any day now…