Whoops.

Looks like Anthony “Booger” McFarland isn’t about to use the Terrible Towel as his personal Snot Rag of Doom any time soon. According to the Beaver County Times, the reason my witty headline went for naught is he failed his post workout physical. Shocking, I know, considering the reason he was released in the first place was he failed a physical. Guess that Wolverine-like healing factor the Steelers thought he possessed didn’t kick in yet.

I apologize for jumping the gun in bringing you the exciting news that we signed Booger. Serves me right for reading a Post-Gazette headline entitled “Steelers sign McFarland” and then seeing ESPN‘s news ticker confirm the news and believing them both. I should obviously know better than believe our city’s largest newspaper and the undisputed leader in sports. In the future, I promise to bring you all Steeler news three or four days late, thus ensuring the information is indeed accurate.

Speaking of exciting and accurate information, one signing I can confirm is the Steelers have re-signed defensive end Nick Eason. This is no doubt a case of having to settle for your second choice because your first one didn’t pan out. Kinda like in high school when you end up going to prom with that dorky girl you used to fling paste at in Kindergarten because the cute blonde cheerleader you really wanted to go with didn’t pass her physical. I suspect the clap.

Eason will be returning for his second season in Pittsburgh after coming over from the Brownies. That right there should tell you he’s a shitty player because the last good thing to come outta Cleveland is Drew Carey. Seriously, though, I admire the Steelers desire to keep their own players instead of acquiring other teams’ scraps but that’s only admirable if the guy, you know, CAN ACTUALLY PLAY. All available evidence suggests Eason cannot.

Which is a bit of a problem considering you’d want a back-up who could actually step in for, one might say back up, the starter. When Aaron Smith went down last year, Eason was given the start. And, as I’ve recounted serveral times, the rush defense blew. He was immediately replaced by Travis Kirschke. And the rush defense still blew, but it blew slightly less.

After the season ended and the tears from the Jacksonville loss had dried, head coach Mike Tomlin said the Steelers needed to get younger and better in the trenches. I don’t always understand Tomlin’s coachspeak but I guess by “younger,” he meant re-signing the 34-year-old Kirschke and by “better” he meant re-signing the guy who had to be replaced for poor play. Perhaps Tomlin knows something we don’t. Maybe he’s hoping that Ryan “Steely” Mcbean will, in his second year, gain the bulk, strength, athletic ability, and knowledge of the defense which will allow him to contribute to the team in a useful way. At this point, I’d give anybody a shot to break up the law firm of Kirschke & Eason.

Player Personnel Director Kevin Colbert would like to address the defensive line with a 2nd or 3rd round pick but we also need offensive linemen and there’s the big tall drink of water Ben Roethlisberger wants at reciever so, as I always tell my father, you can’t please all your mistresses. Once you’re past the third round or so, you probably won’t find any better quality than you already have. In which case, I hope they keep Booger’s number on the speed dial because, hey, maybe that healing factor will kick in eventually.

Rejoice, Steeler Nation, our long national nightmare is finally over. Yesterday, the Pittsburgh Steelers came to terms with center Justin Hartwig.

The deal is a reported $4 million dollars for two years, including a $975,000 signing bonus. Once again, our tricky Player Personnel Director, Kevin Colbert, sits back during the early days of free agency, allowing the rotten teams to blow their wads like a virgin on prom night, then swoops in and manages to pick up a quality player at a discount price.

Don’t be fooled by the relative pittance we’re paying him, Hartwig is a fine player who basically became another salary cap casualty. Two years ago, the Carolina Panthers gave Hartwig a five-year/$17 million deal to lure him away from the Titans. They expected him to anchor their line but a nagging groin injury limited him to one start in 2006. Healthy in 2007, he started every game except the season finale. Carolina said he had a knee injury but the smart money says they wanted him to sit so they could take a look at Ryan Kalil as the heir apparent. Evidently they liked what they saw from the kid which made Hartwig, a grand old man of 29, totally expendable.

The entire situation is not unlike what we do here in the ‘Burgh, such as when we cut LB Joey Porter last year because we had a younger cheaper player ready to play. If you have two fairly equal options available, common sense is you go with the newer model. Unless you’re the Raiders, then you pick the old guy because you love veteranosity. But for a team like the Steelers, where our options are either somebody who has never taken an NFL snap at center or the Human Traffic Cone, Sean Mahan, a player the caliber of Hartwig is a huge upgrade.

And make no mistake; Justin Hartwig will be our starting center in 2008.

The Steelers also announced they resigned restricted free agents Chris Kemoeatu and Trai Essex. This pretty much completes our restructuring of the offensive line for next season. Colbert will almost certainly draft an OLineman with our first round pick but now he won’t be expected to start until 2009. Mahan, who to be fair is a natural guard, will compete with the Samoan Bulldozer (Kemoeatu) for the spot vacated by LG Alan Faneca. If he fails, there will be temptation to cut him considering at about $3.3 million/year, he’s being overpaid by about $3 million. However, our depth is pretty weak and he can back-up both G and C so he might be worth keeping around. Mister Transition, Max Starks, looks to be our starting LT, thus bringing our grand total to three new starters on the line this coming season.

Hopefully these changes will cut down our ridiculously high sack totals from last year where Ben Roethlisberger had about a 50-50 chance of ending up on his magnificiently sculpted ass on any given play. Considering we just paid Ben the approximate gross national product of Latvia to be our quarterback for the next decade, I’m sure keeping him healthy and upright is something of interest to the Steelers. With these strategically considered off-season moves, I feel much better that they succeeded in their goal. Let’s face it, True Believers, things really have nowhere to go but up.

Rest easy, Steeler Nation. Andre Frazier has re-signed with our beloved Black and Gold. Not only do we get his special teams expertise for another year but we also managed to save some space under the salary cap through a shrewd bit of maneuvering by Player Personnel Director Kevin Colbert. Instead of tendering him an offer which would pay him $927,000, the Pittsburgh Steelers cleverly allowed him to become an unrestricted free agent, allowing them to then sign him at a lower salary. These sort of ingenious maneuvers are why we’ve been such a successful franchise the past 15 years. Suck it, Oakland.

Of course, I’m being a smartass. Andre Frazier is a minor blip on the radar and other than running down the field on kickoffs and punts, his greatest contribution to the Steelers next year will be keeping a seat on the bench warm for important players like punter Daniel Sepulveda.

But I’m okay with that. You know why? A boring free agency season means one thing: your team is pretty damn good. Look at the Patriots. Or the Colts. Or even the Chargers. How many free agents have they signed? How many have they lost? Do they even care?

Facts are, the teams who sign the most free agents are usually teams in dire need of improvement. This year, there have been a lot of moves by the Jets, Bears, and Eagles. Well, there should be, they weren’t good last year. They should be bringing in new players to try and turn things around. The Catch-22, though, is that no team has ever successfully rebuilt through free agency. Sure, if you’re thisclose to contending, an off-season pick-up can put you over the top. T.O. going to Philly or Randy Moss being sent to New England comes to mind. But overhauling your team with free agents is like trying to redecorate your house with stuff you find at a garage sale. The quality is just not there and you end up paying ridiculous sums for #3 recievers or washed up linebackers. Ask Danny Snyder.

The curse of being a Steeler fan is your team is well-run enough that most off-seasons are blessedly dull. The Pittsburgh strategy is very clear. First, we sign our core players before they even sniff the open market. Ben Roethlisberger, Willie Parker, Troy Polamalu, and Aaron Smith were all locked up well in advance of free agency, keeping the nucleus of the team intact. The players who we don’t deem irreplaceable, or who have reached the point of becoming high priced veterans, are let go and replaced with younger prospects. We cut LB Joey Porter last season and James Harrison stepped in without missing a beat. Clark Haggans is a free agent this year and we haven’t even made a half-hearted attempt at keeping him because we have two young players, Lawrence Timmons and Lamarr Woodley (who looked great in limited playing time as a rookie), ready to take the field. Yes, losing G Alan Faneca hurts. However, if history is any guide, the Steelers will address this in the draft, ending up with a player of comparable ability at half the price.

And when the Steelers do tip toe into the free agent pool, we always go for the Giant Eagle double coupon super-saver specials, orphaned players saved from dire conditions on lousy teams by Dan “Daddy Warbucks” Rooney. Even there we’ve done very well. Never forget that C Jeff Hartings, whose retirement last year almost single-handedly lead to the collapse of our line, was originally signed away from the lowly Detroit Lions. So when I read the Steelers are talking with Atlanta S Chris Crocker or Miami G Rex Hadnot, I’m optimistic about finding another diamond in the rough and not another Sean Mahan.

We’ve already signed one free agent this off-season, former Vikings RB Mewelde Moore. I think Moore could prove to be a very important player for us next season. He’s already the odds on favorite to be our new return man, replacing the gone and happily forgotten Allen Rossum. He’ll also likely be our new third down back, assuming a role similar to the one Verron Haynes used to fill as an outlet receiver in the flat. Haynes was a major part of the 15-1 (2004) and Super Bowl (2005) teams as he kept many drives alive by converting third downs via dump-offs from Big Ben. Since his devastating and apparently career-ending knee injury two seasons ago, we have missed that kind of weapon on offense.

Moore may very well turn into yet another in a string of nice acquisitions at a bargain basement price. Considering the Steelers recent history with free agency, I wouldn’t bet against it.

Once in awhile you come across something which makes you scratch your head in utter confusion. The ending of “No Country For Old Men.” That’s going to win the Oscar this year, write it down. All of Pearl Jam’s albums after Vs. Pretty much every episode of “Lost.”

Add to that list the first off-season moves by the Pittsburgh Steelers. Let’s start with the ones which do make sense. Pittsburgh released tight end Jerame Tuman, linebacker Clint Kriewaldt, and kick returner Allen Rossum this week. No surprises there.

Kriewaldt and Rossum were special teams specialists. Considering we couldn’t cover anybody on kick offs, Kriewaldt clearly wasn’t very good at it. We actually gave up a conditional draft pick for Rossum which means if he costs us anything more than a 7th rounder, we overpaid for his services. In this era of the electrifying return man, the Steelers haven’t had a decent KR since Antwaan Randle El left town. Santonio Holmes was supposed to be the answer but he fumbled the job away. Rossum’s clever tactic of signaling for fair catches when nobody was within ten yards, then letting the ball bounce behind him to make sure we started even deeper in our own territory clearly didn’t impress coach Mike Tomlin enough to keep him around. Tuman, a long-time Steeler, has served as a very capable backup since 1999. Unfortunately, Steelers Player Personnel Director Kevin Colbert struck gold with Matt Spaeth in last year’s draft thus making him expendable.

Now comes the part where the head scratching comes in. The Steelers also placed the Transitional player tag on offensive tackle Max Starks. First of all, I’m sure some of you are wondering what the hell a Transitional tag is. Evidently, it’s a weaker version of the Franchise tag. A Franchised player must be paid the average of the top 5 salaries at his position and if another team offers him a deal which his current team doesn’t match, that team must surrender two #1 draft picks as compensation. With a Transitional tag, the player is paid the average of the top 10 salaries at his position while if another team offers him a deal and it isn’t matched, no draft picks are exchanged.

Why did I go into this long-winded explanation of NFL Capology? Because the Transitional tag means we have to pay Max Starks at least $6.9 million next year. The Steelers have another free agent on the offensive line, a fellow by the name of Alan Faneca. Faneca is a 7 time Pro Bowler, 5 time All Pro, and generally considered one of the best guards in all of football. Let’s say the Steelers decided to bring out the heavy artillery and slapped the Franchise tag on Faneca. Know how much that’d cost? $7.5 million. See my problem? For about HALF A MILLION BUCKS, chump change to an NFL franchise, we could’ve kept the best guard in the league. Instead, we’re protecting Max Starks? Why? Somebody explain how this makes sense.

Furthermore, this new found man crush on Max Starks is a little perplexing considering Max WASN’T EVEN A STARTER going into this season. My Uncle Joe told me way back during Christmas that the Steelers would overpay to keep Starks because they don’t want to look cheap in losing Faneca. He must be the Polish Nostradamus because that’s exactly what has happened.

I don’t mind keeping Starks but agreeing to pay him the average of the top ten players at his position? Something doesn’t add up there. If he’s one of the ten best offensive linemen in the league, um, why wasn’t he always a starter? He did play well when he finally got a chance but if Willie Colon could beat him out, I’m not sure he’s worth $6.9 million. This isn’t like being asked to choose between Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johannson, it’s pretty easy to see if you have an Alan Faneca out there, you pick him first and take care of Max second.

The other thing is not starting Starks all season seems to be yet another one of Mike Tomlin’s highly questionable personnel decisions. Carey Davis winning the fullback job over Dan Kreider added nothing to the team, human traffic cone Sean Mahan got the center job over Chukky Okobi which makes me wonder if Chukky could’ve possibly been worse, and I’ve already talked about how useless Rossum was. Part of the greatness of Bill Cowher was he knew how to evaluate his players. He knew which situations played to their strengths and which played to their weaknesses and did his best to put them in position to succeed.

I’m beginning to wonder if Mike Tomlin has this same ability.