That’s why I have a question. The Arizona Cardinals have hosted not one but two home playoff games this year. This means their cheerleaders had two entire games to be featured on television. Yet, I cannot recall a single shot of these ladies during either game. How can this be?

Unlike Indianapolis or New England, I have to assume some decent-looking girls can be found wandering the desert. After all, any city with a mix of ethnicities usually produces some fine looking women. Look at Pittsburgh girls. The Polish/Italian/German heritage is usually good for buxom figures and junk in the trunk.

Anyway, in my quest to solve the Cardinal Cheerleaders Conundrum, I bravely decided to visit the team website and look through dozens of dozens of cheerleader photos.  What I don’t do for you guys.

Anyway, after scrolling through the first folder, I think I figured out what their, um, shortcoming was.  Take a look:

See the problem?  No?  Well, here’s a couple more of Arizona’s finest.  See if you can spot it now:

No?  Okay, one more set from this past December.  I think it’s pretty obvious where the Cardinals Cheerleaders don’t STACK up to other squads.

Evidently, the push-up bra hasn’t reached Phoenix yet.  I’m pretty sure Kleenex has, though, so there’s really no excuse for their appearance.  I understand they have to jump, dance, and bounce around to get the apathetic Cardinal fans interested in the game but they need to put a little more jiggle in their milkshake.

Of course, it also doesn’t help their cause to have former Saturday Night Live cast member Cheri Oteri on the squad.  She’s a funny comedienne and was great in the cheerleader skits with Will Farrell but she doesn’t belong out on the field.

As regular readers of NPC surely expect, this is where I’d usually post some random news and/or talk a little smack about our upcoming opponents. Considering this week’s game is against longtime rival the Dallas Cowboys, I’m sure many of you thought I’d unveil a masterpiece along the lines of “29 Reasons Pittsburgh Is Better Than Dallas” or “Top Ten Venereal Diseases Tony Romo Has Contracted From Skanky Blondes.”

Sorry to disappoint.

I tried to do something like that but my heart wasn’t in it. Don’t misunderstand, I hate the Cowboys, more than any team not from Cleveland or coached by a hoodie wearing douchebag. But at the same time, I also have to respect them. When you look at the NFL, there are really two teams which stand out as the crown jewel franchises. One of course is the Steelers while the only other choice has to be the Cowboys.

Whenever a team is successful, you’ll find a segment of the country jumping on the bandwagon trying to feel like winners. This allegiance is always short-lived, ending as soon as said team stops winning Super Bowls. In the late 80s, 49er gear was all over the place. Has anybody bought red and gold merchandise in over a decade? When Green Bay and Denver had their brief moments in the spotlight, they garnered a smattering of nationwide support but most of that was pity and none of it was sustained over the years. As for the most dominant team of the 00s, nobody outside of New England cares one iota about the Pats except to hate them.

The only two truly national franchises are the Steelers and Cowboys. The Cowboys call themselves “America’s Team” and while that bit of hyperbole is typical of an arrogant organization, it is also true you’re just as likely to find a Cowboy fan in Bangor, Maine or Butte, Montana as in Dallas, Texas. Likewise, Steeler Nation extends far and wide as is evidenced by the waves of Black and Gold which invade road stadiums in numbers like no other.

So why do I hate them? Why can’t I establish mutual respect and leave it at that? Why does Batman hate the Joker? Why does Superman enjoy punching Lex Luthor in the mouth? Why?

Because we are the same but opposite. One is summer while the other is the winter. One is light while the other is dark. One is good while the other is evil. I think you can figure out which is which.

The Steelers are and have always been a blue collar team which emphasizes gritty nose to the grindstone hard-work. The Cowboys are and have always been prime time flash and dash glitzy Hollywood red carpet superstars. In fact, they’ve had players named Prime Time and Hollywood.

The Steelers have always been about the whole being more than the sum of the parts. To quote the wise Mr. Spock, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.” We’ve never had a situation where one specific player is our whole franchise. We never make one player the centerpiece of an entire team. That’s all Dallas ever does. Theirs is a culture of individualism. They’ll find a great RB or a great LB or a great QB but when that player goes down (as Romo did this year or Terrell Owens did last year), the team immediately falls apart. No wonder their fans wanted Bill Cowher and his belief in the team to come and save them earlier this year.

The Cowboys are owned by an irritating jackass of a man who insists on being the team’s General Manager.  Jerry Jones shameless self-promotion stands in stark contrast to the quiet dignity exuded by one of the most respected owners in all of sports, Dan Rooney. This is no doubt why the Cowboys have experienced over a half dozen coaching changes since 1993 while we’ve had one. Their meddlesome owner is at the root of their Machiavellian “win at all costs” strategy. He will bring in any player, regardless of character or past misdeeds, if he thinks it will help them win. Locker room cancers (T.O), gun-toting maniacs (Tank Johnson), and stripper beating miscreants (Pacman Jones) are all welcome in Big D. The Steelers systematically rid themselves of such players, even if they’re supremely talented, such as in the case of Plaxico Burress, an undeniably superior WR whose pea-brained antics continue to embarrass his team to this day.

Tony Romo knows he has crossed over to the Dark Side. That’s why he recently tried to cleanse his karma by taking a foul-smelling bum to the movies. Sure, this isn’t nearly as impressive as Ben Roethlisberger using Jedi Mind Tricks to talk a crazed gunmen out of bustin’ a cap in his ass but it was nice of him to pay it forward since nobody has been luckier these past few years than ‘ol Tony. Besides, what’s so impressive about sitting next to a homeless pan-handler? He let Britney Spears sit on his lap so obviously he’s not put off by strange odors.

Look, here’s the moral of the story. Sometimes good wins but occasionally evil is triumphant. Like in Super Bowl XXX where coke-snorting Mike Irvin and his band of whoring madmen handed the Steelers their lone Super Bowl defeat when Christian gentlemen/future astroturf salesman Neil O’Donnell was paid off by Jerry Jones threw two badly timed interceptions. They’re still paying for that win as they’ve never won another. Hopefully when Good emerges victorious this week, we’ll set their playoff hopes back enough to add another year to that penance.

(Image courtesy of One From The Other Thumb)

Today, at approximately four o’clock in the afternoon, football season officially begins in western Pennsylvania. No longer will Pittsburgh have to suffer through yet another season of pitiful baseball, lousy management, and idiotic trades by our inept Pirates. Tucked safely along the rolling hills of Westmoreland County, the Pittsburgh Steelers will convene their 42nd training camp as the eyes of the Burgh’s true sports fans turn to their one true major league franchise. Until the Penguins drop the puck in Sweden at least.

Sure, the preseason is more or less a sham. A cheap ploy designed to give greedy owners four more games with which to line their pockets. And yes, the first real meaningful game won’t take place for more than a month. But that doesn’t matter to the members of Steeler Nation. We take our football seriously.

How serious, you may ask? Seriously enough that not dozens, not hundreds, but thousands of people will make a pilgrimage to Latrobe in order to stand around in 90 degree heat and watch sweaty behemoths do sit-ups. The preseason is usually a long-winded way of deciding who is going to be a team’s 5th receiver or what undrafted rookie will make it as a special teamer. The crazy thing about Steeler fans is we actually care about such things.

This will be Mike Tomlin’s second training camp as head coach. Let’s hope his decision making process has improved this year as he made several choices last year which turned out badly as the year played out. He decided that FB Carey Davis would supplant Dan Kreider, long considered one of the best blocking fullbacks in the league. His reasoning was Davis was more athletic and could catch the ball out of the backfield, which is great except Davis went on to catch a whopping total of 12 passes. Tomlin also claimed that good special teams would be one of his priorities and he’d work tirelessly to make sure we were solid in that area, even going so far as trading a draft pick for KR Allen “Fair Catch” Rossum. This resulted in the Steelers having one of the worst special teams units in the NFL.

The major undercurrent to this season is, of course, the very real possibility it will be the last under the ownership of the Rooney family. The Post-Gazette recently published an embarrassing article agreeing with Tomlin’s statement that the ownership situation might be “a distraction” to the players. Are they serious? That is the most laughable bit of excuse making I’ve ever heard. We all know the Pittsburgh media is in bed with the Steelers but at least try to be reasonable. If Big Ben launches a bomb down the sideline to a streaking Santonio Holmes, I very much doubt the ball will slip through his arms because he’s worried about who’ll sign his checks next year. I don’t think Mike Tomlin’s ability to analyze game tape on Tuesday morning will suffer because he’s depressed over strife in the Rooney family.

A few other notes of interest:

–Diane Battiste Zinkham passed away at the age of 62. She was a major part of our cheerleading team, the Steelerettes, from 1961-70. Take note, Cowboy fans, the Steelers and the Cleveland Browns were the first two NFL teams with cheerleading squads. Which I guess means we were the first NFL team with attractive cheerleaders.

–Bret “Look at me! Look at me!” Favre is threatening to report to Green Bay Packers camp, whether they want him or not. He’s quickly turning into the Bill Murray character from the movie “What About Bob?”

–Pittsburgh native Jason “Twinkle Toes” Taylor was traded to the Washington Redskins.

–Top draft picks Rashard Mendenhall and Limas Sweed are signed, sealed and delivered. Sweed has a four year deal for some undisclosed amount. Mendenhall is inked for five years/$12.55 million. He’ll likely use some of that money to replace the cell phone and Rolex that got jacked when he was mugged up in Chicago.

–Finally, also on the sad news front, Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch lost his battle with cancer at the age of 47. This doesn’t have much to do with football, although one of his final wishes was granted when the Steelers invited him to participate in training camp last year. I am a CMU graduate and although I didn’t have any classes with Professor Pausch, I recall reading about him and his accomplishments while there. That he inspired so many people during his remaining years is something nobody should ever forget.