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I’ve had it.

I’ve seen more offensive coordinators than I can remember. I’ve seen every quarterback from Cliff Stoudt to Bubby Brister. I’ve seen good teams. I’ve seen not so good teams. I thought I’ve seen it all.

But the 2008 incarnation of the Pittsburgh Steelers is quickly establishing itself as the most maddening offense I’ve ever seen.

When we had bad offenses before, it was understandable. Maybe our talent at wide receiver wasn’t so good. Or there were the days when a knock-kneed scrambler with a porno ‘stache was taking the snaps. I even remember Mike Malarkey and his ingenious strategy of throwing screen passes 10 yards behind the line of scrimmage or running 5 yard outs when it was 3^rd and 15. That was bad.

However, the level of offensive ineptitude on display this season is all the more frustrating because there are no excuses. The talent is there. The schemes are there. Somewhere in between is a breakdown which is holding this team back. Because make no mistake, there is a championship caliber defense in place. If only the other side of the ball would get their act together.

Obviously, the source of this venomous post is yesterday’s 24-20 defeat at the hands of the Indianapolis Colts.

Once again, the defense played fairly well. I know some people are going to point to cement-handed Marvin Harrison and the two easy TD catches he dropped. I point to two key catches by Reggie Wayne, one for a TD and one for a crucial first down, both of which were deflected off CB Ike Taylor and bounced into his greasy mitts. Luck, both good and bad, balanced out in the end. Sure it would’ve been nice if Butter Fingers Ike or Troy Polamalu could’ve held on to the sure INTs that hit them between the numbers. And it would’ve been nice to get a bit more pressure on Peyton Manning.  Once again, I can’t fault a unit which only surrenders scores when the ball is gift-wrapped to the other team so every scoring drive begins on our side of the field.

Don’t start with O-Coordinator Bruce Arians.  I’ll get to him soon enough.  Or the O-line. I’m sick of hearing about them. They share a measure of blame for the poor offensive play, no doubt. But the one player single-handedly dragging the team down with a series of terrible decisions and sub-par performances is none other than Ben Roethlisberger.  Ben is supposedly one of the top QBs in the game and he hasn’t played like it this year. In fact, watching the G-Men manhandle the Philly team that crushed us, I’m starting to think maybe Eli and Ben were drafted exactly where they should’ve been.

Roethlisberger had a statistically decent game as far as completions and yardage is concerned but the only number any of us should care about is his 3 picks. The first INT was just an absolutely atrocious and inexcusable throw. With 1:30 left in the half and facing 3^rd and short from deep in his own territory, Ben forced the ball into double coverage trying to convert a meaningless first down. What was he thinking? Was he even thinking? Even Rex Grossman was slapping his forehead over that one.

INT #2 was an equally Favre-ian bit of gunslingery where he rifled a pass late (mistake 1) down the middle (mistake 2) on a slant (mistake 3). The announcers pointed out Santonio Holmes appeared to break off his route but I honestly don’t see how you can blame him. The pass appeared to be a good 4-5 feet away from him so even if he had continued through, the S coming across the middle would’ve been in better position to make a play on the ball. Again, why was he attempting this risky pass in his own territory nursing a slim lead? Why?

I don’t mean to dump this entire loss on Big Ben. Bruce Arians is hand-down the worst offensive coordinator I’ve ever seen. He seemingly has no plan or strategy when it comes to his playcalling. Some teams use the run to set up a pass. Or use play action to free up the run. Or use a no-huddle to prevent a defense’s substitutions. Everything is done for a reason and with a purpose in mind.

Not so with Arians. He appears to be pulling plays out of a hat. His choices are totally random. For example, every drive in the first half began with a run. Every drive. Unless that run broke for big yards, the next two plays were invariably passes. If a short route worked, he’d try a long route. If a post worked, he’d try a fly. He suddenly remembered you could throw to the TE, which he forgot when Heath Miller was still healthy.  Still, he threw to Matt Spaeth, who appeared to be open all day, then would promptly ignore him and keep trying to hit the double covered Holmes. It’s like he’s calling plays while completely ignoring the results.

The Colts are weak against the run. Even with S Bob Sanders back, they still give up a decent chunk of yardage per game. RB Mewelde Moore ran the ball effectively on the first Steeler drive, ending with a TD. He also ran well on the 2^nd TD drive. Otherwise, he was given a token carry here and there with no real commitment to the ground game. And when there is a situation, such as at the goal line in the 3^rd quarter, where you need some play action or a bootleg or something tricky because the defense is stacked against the run, what does Arians do? Has Moore run straight up the gut three times in a row, then settles for a FG. Those four points were the difference in the game, bonehead.

I’m not trying to sound like an alarmist “the sky-is-falling” more excitable member of Steeler Nation. Honestly I’m not. But it’s better to panic a little while problems can be fixed than to panic a lot when a situation is totally out of control. We have to be honest with ourselves and admit there is something wrong with Ben and something wrong with our offense. The only time we look reasonably decent is when we play horrible teams like Jacksonville or Cincinnati. Against good teams like NY or Philly it’s almost embarrassing and even in the games we wind up winning (Washington, Baltimore) those are due more to our defense saving the day than our offense pulling their weight.

We’re 6-3 and have fallen into a virtual tie with Baltimore for first place. Our schedule only gets harder with San Diego, New England, and the undefeated Titans on the horizon. Coach Mike Tomlin has got to put away the jockspeak and platititudes and get to work hammering these problems out. This team needs an identity. It needs a focus. It needs to figure out what it wants to do and then impose their will on other teams in that regard. Our defense already has that mentality. Now our offense must follow suit or not only is a championship in doubt but the playoffs might not even be in our future.

After finally getting the monkey off their back by winning the Super Bowl, it appeared that the Indianapolis Colts would be following a pattern similar to other recent winners. They would struggle the next season then see head coach Tony Dungy retire so he could return to the NFL after a few years with a much more lucrative contract. The offense would still be the heart of the team but they’d eventually seek to replace some of their aging skill position stars with younger and cheaper alternatives. The first part held true but the others didn’t as Dungy continues to coach the team and the Colts are still sticking with the Manning-Wayne-Harrison Trifecta.

Despite competition from an improving Tennessee squad and usually tough Jacksonville, the Colts managed to maintain superiority in the AFC South last year. This year, however, they stumbled out of the gate and are currently behind the eight-ball being stuck behind a Titans team which remains undefeated. Barring a monumental collapse, it looks like Indy’s only hope for a playoff spot will be as a Wild Card. They currently sit at 4-4 meaning realistically they can only afford two more losses for those hopes to remain realistic. Otherwise, this may very well be the swan song season for many of the old guard as Dungy, DE Dwight Freeney, and probably WR Marvin Harrison are nearing the end of their run.

STEELER DEFENSE vs. COLTS OFFENSE

I’m sure we all know the “no huddle” offense the Colts use as the sight of QB Peyton Manning waving, signaling, hopping on one leg, doing the hokey pokey and turning himself around is one sadly familiar to Steeler fans. One of the beauties of Peyton’s ability to audible is that it allows the Colts to run a pretty simple scheme if the players can understand the audibles. They usually keep the WR’s in the same positions with Harrison out wide right, Reggie Wayne out wide left, and Anthony Gonzalez or Dallas Clark in the slot. Occasionally, if they get in some tight games and the offense can’t get going they’ll start motioning the receivers to see if they can fool the defense but this is essentially an offense that believes that Peyton can get them into the right play and then they can just out execute the opponent.

Obviously, this puts the onus on Peyton Manning to make the whole machine run. You can directly attribute Indy’s early season struggles with Manning’s sub-par play. He had two knee surgeries this off-season and missed the entire preseason. He came back rusty, out-of-synch with his receivers, and badly immobile. Peyton was never to be confused with Kordell Stewart but with today’s pass rushers, you need to have some niftiness in the pocket or you’ll never complete a pass. One of the reasons Manning was one of the most durable QBs of this generation is he was always mobile enough to avoid the big hit. His knee better be healed because with the most vicious pass rush in the NFL flying in at him from every angle, he better be able to duck and cover or he will take a beating.

Another of the issues that the Colts had was that Peyton was more or less the team’s O-Coordinator. While he usually calls the right play, he had some problems that your typical O-Coordinator has, particularly with falling in love with the pass. Unfortunately, the Colts didn’t have anybody in place to “veto” some of Peyton’s play calling and get him into the run. The year they won the Super Bowl, Peyton finally realized that the Colts needed to run the ball in the red zone because teams like the Patriots were looking for the pass in those situations. Again, the problem with the team this year is every one of their backs has missed time due to injury.

They should have Joseph Addai this week. He’s a vicious runner who catches passes well and got better and better in pass protection. He’s probably one of those guys that will be underrated for awhile given the small market city he plays in which is already occupied by the big stars. Then again, he’s going against the Steeler D which absolutely positively won’t let anybody run the ball on them anywhere ever. So I’d like to say they should utilize him but I don’t think he’s going to be able to do much of anything this week.

If Harrison’s knee is healthy, he’s one of the best WRs in the game. Big “if” because it appears that injury still nags him to this day. Reggie Wayne went from outstanding #2 to really the Colts top WR now. Wayne is extremely fast and has great hands which are a rare combination. Anthony Gonzalez did struggle with his route running and learning the audibles, but still ranked first in the league in DVOA for WR’s. Gonzalez took the Brandon Stokely third/slot receiver slot. He’s a good one although he gets a case of the dropsies here and there. TE Dallas Clark frequently lines up as a wide receiver. He’s deadly on screen passes although he can run deeper routes if they see a mismatch they can exploit.

I was worried last week about S Tyrone Carter replacing Ryan Clark but it really didn’t seem to matter. CBs Ike Taylor and Deshea Townshend completely shut down the Redskins wideouts although I think the Colts are a bit more talented and have a better QB getting them the ball. Of course, that won’t matter much if he’s flat on his back which is where I expect the Blitzburgh D to put him many times on Sunday.

STEELER OFFENSE vs. COLTS DEFENSE

Two guesses. Tampa 2/Cover 2 used here as that is the pet defense Dungy has loved since his days down in Tampa. A love he passed on to one of his protégés, a charismatic young man by the name of Mike Tomlin.

The Tampa 2 can be a good scheme with the right personnel although it is a pretty conservative defense outside of Dungy’s love for stunting his D-Line. The D-Line’s priority is to get to the QB and then worry about the run later. This appears to be the lucky week for the Colts as Pothole Willie Parker injured his shoulder on Monday and will not play. We still have the best bargain basement RB ever, Mewelde Moore, to shoulder (*groan*) the load. Can Moore keep up his string of impressive relief performances?

S Bob Sanders is the Troy Polamalu of their defense; the player who makes the whole thing work. In fact, he’s probably even more valuable as Troy takes the Steelers from very good to great but Sanders is singly responsible for making a below average defense decent. He’s constantly getting injured, though which makes me think maybe some day he’ll learn how to tackle correctly instead of trying to spear everybody.

Despite the Colts taking the mold of a typical Cover 2 defense (small in size, big on speed), this was an extremely physical defense in 2007 and it started with the attitude of Sanders and the rest of their physical defensive backs. Of course, the Steelers receivers know a thing or two about physical play so it should be interesting to see who blinks first when they get smacked in the mouth. I’m sure Herr Goodell has a bowl of popcorn and his dvd player ready to comb through the game tape to look for more ways to fine the Steelers.

If Dwight Freeney is healthy and returns to his old form, then their D-Line is a force to be reckoned with since Freeney is so tough to stop. Problem is that he suffered a bad foot injury and the way I understand it, it’s not too big of an issue if you’re very young but at Freeney’s age he’s unlikely to ever be the same. Ed Johnson was a hell of a find as he was a full season starter despite being undrafted. Raheem Brock had a pretty solid year as well.

The big question for the Steelers will be who will be behind that porous offensive line running for their life when the clock is started on Sunday. As of posting this, the question is very much up in the air. Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t practiced all week although he is reportedly going to take some snaps on Friday. If he doesn’t feel like his arm is about to fall off, they’ll probably give him the start although I still think that’s a huge mistake. Big Ben is significantly down this year from last in every significant statistical category. He’s clearly not right. Will one week off make a huge difference? I don’t know. But if you know a guy is injured and even question a little how effective he’ll be, I don’t see the point in letting him start. Byron Leftwich isn’t a long-term solution by any means. However, this game against this opponent this week, he very well might be our best chance for victory.

Before the season started, I developed this theory known as the “Fab Four.” Basically, since 2000 there have been 28 teams that have made the playoffs despite having a losing record the previous season. In fact, since 2000, four teams a year have made the playoffs despite a losing record the prior season, except for 2001 (3 teams) and 2002 (5 teams). It’s pretty much a given that four playoff teams each year will make the playoffs despite a losing record the season beforehand. However, there was a caveat to this year. In 2006 there were only 12 teams with a losing record. Thus, I believed that it was less likely the “Fab Four” would happen this year and modified my theory to predict 3 teams with losing records in 2006 would make the playoffs this year. I chose Tampa Bay, Houston, and San Francisco to accomplish this feat.

I bring this up because, as you can see, I was 1 for 3. This level of Prognostication Proficiency is about how well I did on the Highway to Ham. For the newer readers, the Highway to Ham is a group of about two dozen of us at work who compete in a weekly not-for-profit football poll where the cumulative results are tallied at the end of the season and the victor is awarded a trophy in the form of a Jack Ham rookie card. Needless to say, if you bet your college education funds according to my picks, I hope you enjoy your upcoming semester at Allegheny Community College.

Still, since the Steelers have lamentably been bounced from the post season tournament, I figured I might as well chip in with a few picks for this week’s Divisional Playoff games.

Patriots over Jaguars – The Jags were exposed more last week than Britney’s crotch was in 2007. Jacksonville is a great running team with a mediocre quarterback and suspect secondary. Not exactly the recipe for beating the Patriots. Bill Belichick’s deal with Satan ensures them at least a shot at 18-0 next week.

Colts over Chargers – I’m tempted to take the Bolts here since Peyton Manning has a history of struggling in first-round playoff games and the team has to shake off the rust of not playing any meaningful football for almost three weeks. However, I just can’t ride with Phillip Rivers, who’s only consistency is his tendency to be wildly inconsistent. Where would San Diego be if they had taken Ben Roethlisberger or decided to keep Drew Brees?

Packers over Seapigeons – You see, Bret Farve is the greatest player ever in the history of football, sports, pretty much any athletic competition there is, was, or ever will be. Bah gawd, Brett Farve will chuck that pigskin because if anyone could make a pass like that, it is the one and only Bret Farve. Did I mention that Bret Farve is the greatest quarterback ever and he, and only he alone, is capable of going out there with his gunslinger mentality and firing footballs into itty bitty spaces where other knock-kneed quarterbacks fear to tread? Plus, he’ll being throwing these passes at Lambeau Field, the greatest stadium ever, so it is inevitable his passes will be complete and go for many many touchdowns!

Just getting you warmed up for what you should expect to hear from the announcers this weekend. Verbally fellating Bret Favre has become our new national pastime.

New York Football Giants over Cowboys – Dallas QB Tony Romo made news this week for vacationing in Mexico with girlfriend Jessica Simpson. I think because of those two large yet perky distractions, the G-Men will be able to pull off the upset. Plus, Dallas has already beaten the Giants twice this year. Call it a case of tit for tat.

Welcome to the first installment of the Highway To Ham. This will be my weekly segment where I talk a little about this week’s games, share my insights, and give you my picks. Hey, every NFL show does it, why shouldn’t we? Besides, I’m currently way ahead of Dan Marino on the “Beat The Hosts” website so I believe my system works. Watch out Collingsworth, I’m on your ass!

As a note, the column is called “Highway To Ham” because my friends and I at work run our very own inter-office *ahem* not-for-profit betting pool. In addition to *ahem* no profit, the overall winner at the end of the year receives an autographed Jack Ham rookie card. How’s that for a trophy?

On to the picks:

Bucs over Cards – The two-headed QB monster Wisenhunt concocted was stupid. Leinart had mostly looked awful while Warner was looking like his old 1999-with-the-Rams self. Then Leinart went down and Warner went back to being his post-2000 self. The Bucs pass defense hasn’t looked good this year but Garcia is a warrior and I don’t see him letting the Bucs lose three in a row.

Titans over Panthers – I think it’s kind of funny that the most respect that Vinny Testeverde has gotten from fans his entire career is for his ability to come off the couch and still play at his age. *Sigh* I remember the good old days when he was one of the most despised QBs (even by his own fans) in the history of football. Tennessee wins ugly, but they win.

Lions over Broncos – Lions QB John Kitna attended the team’s annual Halloween Party dressed as Joe Cullen. Cullen, you may recall, was the O-line coach who got suspended by the league for going through a McDonald’s drive-thru while not wearing any pants (I suppose there’s a “Special Sauce” joke to be made here but I’ll refrain in the name of good taste). This officially makes Kitna the Coolest Man Alive. His costume sure beats the hell out of this guy’s mediocre effort. Where’s the spit, the drool, the slobber?

Bengals over Bills – The aptly named J.P. Losman gets the start for the Bills this week. It amazes me how some teams spend years and years “grooming” quarterbacks who never accomplish anything. How long was Tom Brady groomed? How about Ben? If you don’t win early, you’re never gonna win.

Chargers over Vikings – Adrian Peterson might as well start signing his checks “Rookie of the Year” right now. Unfortunately, he’s all the Vikings have. And San Diego is pretty good at stopping the run. If AP is on your fantasy team, prepare to be disappointed.

49ers over Falcons – Ladies and gentlemen, Trent Dilfer blows. He’s blown in the past and he will continue to blow in the future. He was saved from Rex Grossmanism by one season, where he still blew, but because the team around him was unbelievable (Priest Holmes was a freaking backup, for crying out loud), people still say things like “he’s a pretty good backup to have on your team.” No, he blows. Thankfully, Alex Smith is starting for the Niners this week.

Redskins over Jets – Kellen Clemens starts for the Jets this week so now the only question in NY will be “Does Pennington have the arm strength to hold his clipboard?” The ‘Skins will be angry after last week’s pasting by the Pats so this one might get ugly.

Packers over Chiefs – I like Bret Favre and all but after last Monday night, I hope they never show another Green Bay game as long as Favre is there. It’s like they’re trying to make me hate him with the endless praise and the Deanna Favre love poem that almost sent me into a diabetic coma. I think I threw up in my mouth a little when Berman said a few Sundays ago, “You can’t hate Brett Favre, it’s like hating America!” Well, I love America. I love apple pie. I even voted for Lynn Swann. So I’m picking the Pack.

Jaguars over Saints – Quinn Gray is undefeated as a starting quarterback in the NFL. I’m riding that horse until it drops.

Browns over SeaPigeons – Derek Anderson should change his name to Peyton Brady because he’s the best QB in the league outside of the Big Two. The SeaPigeons start Charlie Frye, who the Steelers slapped around and ran out of town in week one. Besides, as much as I hate Cleveland, I love seeing Holgrem lose.

Raiders over Texans– The Matt Schaub Lovefest is over in Houston. The Daunte Culpepper Abusive Relationship is over in Oakland. Since Josh McKown is better than Sage Rosenfels, I’ll go with the Raiders.

Cowboys over Eagles – The judge in one of the drug arrests of Andy Reid’s two boys described the Reid household as “a drug emporium.” I am shocked, SHOCKED I SAY, that two fine young men like the Reid brood could get mixed up in such unsavory business as smack and cocaine while living in such a fine, clean, friendly, safe, family-oriented city as Philadelphia.

And that’s it for…oh wait. I think there’s one more game this week.

SUPER BOWL XLI ½

Colts over Patriots – This one is impossible to pick so I’m forced to consider the intangibles. Tom Brady used to date actress Bridget Moynahan. Peyton Manning used to date country-western singer Kenny Chesney. Advantage: Pats. Tony Dungy used to be a Pittsburgh Steeler. Bill Belichek used to be a documentary filmmaker. Advantage: Colts. I say flip a coin and take your pick. Just remember to take the over.