Pop Quiz:   How are the Pittsburgh Steelers like a woman’s period?

Answer:  When it comes time to show up, it’s always better late than never.

Yesterday’s 38-10 dismantling of the Cincinnati Bengals wasn’t as easy as the score might indicate.  If you watched the first quarter, then decided to:

- Watch 45 minutes of “Contact”
- Burn a mix CD for a “friend”
- Go on a Starbucks run
- Watch a quarter of woman’s volleyball on ESPNU
- Play Metal Gear Solid

And came back just in time to see the Human Victory Cigar, QB Byron Leftwich, throw a final TD pass in the 4th quarter, you’d probably think, “Easy win.”

But you’d be wrong.  Very very wrong.   For you see, something happened between the beginning and end of the game.  Somewhere in there the Steelers decided to make things interesting by playing down to the level of their opponents.  And that’s why what should have been a merciless smashing at halftime turned into a meager 10-7 advantage.

I couldn’t believe what was unfolding before my eyes.  The Steelers went up by 10 in the first quarter while limiting the inept Bungles to 20 yards of total offense.  Evidently defensive coordinator Dick Lebeau decided this was an insurmountable lead and put our D into prevent.

Maybe it wasn’t actually prevent but it sure looked like it.   All our DBs started playing 10-15 yards off the wide receivers, allowing QB Ryan Fitzpatrick to complete passes at will.  The LBs weren’t helping matters either as the most fearsome pass rush in the NFL failed to get anywhere near the Bengal signal caller.  On the flip side, QB Ben Roethlisberger and the offense went from moving the ball at will to a complete standstill.  I blame Bruce Arians for no other reason than he’s Bruce Arians.

Luckily, the Steelers woke up and realized they were the Steelers by the start of the fourth and the route was on.  A three TD avalanche in the final frame accompanied by some stifling defense restored the universe to proper order.  The final stats are pretty impressive if you just look at the game on paper.  But to Cincy’s credit, they found a way to (once again) hang around much longer than their meager talent had any right letting them.

RB Mewelde Moore has clearly established himself as an absolute gem of a free agent pick-up.  He rushed for 120 yards and scored 3 TDs in relief of Pothole Willie Parker.  Whatever they’re paying this guy, it’s a steal.  Speaking of stealing money, $7 million dollar benchwarmer OT Max Starks got his first action of the season and did a decent job as the line managed to keep Big Ben from getting sacked for the first time this year.  Of course, this is more a function of Cincy’s terrible defense than awesome pass blocking but we’ll take what we can get.  I did notice RG Darnell Stapleton made several crushing blocks to spring Moore on running plays so the Steelers might have found something there.

When the defense looked good, man did it look good.  Blitzburgh finished with 7 sacks, all by our linebackers.   James Harrison and LaMarr Woodley had 2 apiece and Lawrence Timmons (starting for the first time this year) chipped in 2 more.  I never thought I’d see a better group than the Kevin Greene, Greg Lloyd, Chad Brown, Levon Kirkland foursome back in the early 90’s but these guys might be it.   The only bad play was by our CBs but that seemed to be more a result of being told to give the Cincy WRs too much respect.  Bryant McFadden was getting dissected by Fitzy on their lone TD.  He later left the game with an injury so that might explain how our best CB went down the tubes so quickly.   And S Troy Polamalu, doing his part to keep the NFL from becoming a pansy game, left after getting concussed on a devastating helmet-popping collision in the third quarter.

Didn’t matter, however, as by the end of the game the Steelers went into full mop up mode.  The hapless Cleveland Browns went down in flames again to the Wash Redfaces (who’ll we will be seeing in a couple weeks) so their one week resurgence lasted exactly one week.  Pesky Baltimore defeated the Miami Dolphins Wildcats to hang around in the division but after playing them, does anybody consider them a threat?   The next three games see us play the Giants, Colts, and Skins so I guess we’ll get a chance to see exactly how good we are in the coming weeks.  So far the Steelers have been flying comfortably under the radar but a few big wins and that’ll all change really fast as the NFL media looks for the Next Big Story.

Wide receivers. Of course, I’m talking about wide receivers and not Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger’s taste in the ladies. As an aside, after spending a whole week listening to Sean Salisbury and Tony Kornheiser discuss Tom Brady’s main squeeze, Brazilian supermodel Giselle Budchen, while also bemoaning the fact that Tony Romo has reportedly kicked Yoko Simpson to the curb, I’m extremely glad our quarterback limits his off-field activities to LPGA scrubs and WB starlets. Anyway, this week the national football media latched on to the story of an apparent riff developing between Ben Roethlisberger and Steelers WR Hines Ward.

It all started shortly after the season-ending soul-crushing loss to the Jacksonville Jagoffs. Ben was asked what areas he felt the Black and Gold needed to address in the draft. He responded by saying, “I’m always going to ask for a tall receiver. That’s just me. Our receivers are unbelievable, but our tallest guy might be Hines. Or Santonio [Holmes]. Hines is going to say he’s 6 foot, but he’s 5-11.”

These comments made it through the grapevine to good ‘ol Hines. “I don’t hear Tom Brady or Peyton Manning asking for that,” Ward said. “To me, it’s a rare combination of receivers out there who are good and tall. We won a Super Bowl, we didn’t have a tall receiver then,” he added, eyes welling up with emotion. “To me, I have enough problems to worry about than what Ben wants — I can’t give him the contract,” Ward continued, referring to Roethlisberger’s upcoming contract extension talks. “He wants a tall receiver? Why did we draft Santonio?” asked Hines, lips quivering from the sting of Ben’s betrayal.

Look, I like Hines Ward. I didn’t see Lynn Swann play and only caught John Stallworth toward the tail end of his career. Swannie’s career was short and Stallworth benefited from always playing opposite other good receivers. Such as Louis Lipps, who was a Rookie of the Year, damn fine wide out, and made a very tasty cookie. All of them put up some great numbers but I’d have to say Hines is the best receiver in Steeler history. He’ll go over the middle. He can be a possession receiver although he’s fast enough to break off long gainers. His 18 yard/catch average was highest among any of the top 50 reception leaders in the NFL this season, which is doubly impressive considering how often he catches 5-8 yard dump offs in the flat. He’s an awesome blocker. He’s a former Super Bowl MVP. He’s a tremendous talent.

He’s also a bit of a head case. It all goes back to the year he was drafted. Mel Kiper and his fabulous head of hair had Hines projected as a first round pick. Unfortunately, he also played quarterback and running back at Georgia which confused some scouts as to where he should play or if he was polished enough in any one area. So he dropped, all the way to the third round. Oh, the horrors! Still, Ward never forgot this “slight” and has spent his career with a chip on his shoulder trying to prove everybody was wrong about him.

Sometimes this is a good thing. Ben still smarts from being picked behind Phillip Rivers and Eli Manning. Tom Brady never forgot he was a 6th round pick. But with Hines, it’s always been a bit of a problem. A couple seasons ago, he threatened to hold out of training camp because of perceived disrespect from the Steelers organization. Only a phone call from Bill Cowher managed to convince him to stop being a baby and show up for work.

Yes, Ben should know better than to be critical of his teammates. Especially teammates who performed well for him this season. He should also know better than say things about Hines, given the man is more thin-skinned than a woman with PMS. And yes, Hines has a point about ability trumping size in receivers. The Jaguars have two gargantuan wideouts but they can only be bothered to catch 1 out of every 4 passes thrown their way. I’d rather have a midget who catches everything than a 25%er.

That said, Ben is totally correct to want a larger receiver put on the offseason shopping list. One of the frustrating parts of the Steelers offense this season was not being able to score touchdowns when inside the 5. Part of this has to do with not having a big fatass running back. The other part is not having a big end zone target. We do have 6-5 Heath Miller and 6-7 Matt Spaeth at tight end and early in the year, they were both scoring touchdowns. When teams caught on and began to cover them is when the red zone problems started. Also, neither of them are particularly quick (not fast, big guys aren’t usually fast but they have to be quick enough to get separation) which limits their usefulness in the open field. How many 20, 25, 30 yard gainers did either have this year? The jump ball bomb is a weapon missing from our offense ever since Plaxico Burress left.

So Ben was right, although the way he went about it was wrong. It’s all water under the bridge now. Hopefully Ben will apologize and smooth things out with Hines and Hines will wipe away his tears and come back this year with an even bigger chip on his shoulder. Which, now that I think about it, might be an ingenious bit of reverse psychology on Ben’s part. Or dumb luck. Whatever works.

The best part of the game was halftime, when the Steelers honored their 75th Anniversary Team. Fans voted on the players and, happily, they mostly got it right (more on that in a minute). The team was heavy with players from the 70′s Steel Dynasty team but if seeing Franco Harris or Terry Bradshaw back in their uniforms once again didn’t bring a smile to your face, you might as well turn in your membership card to Steeler Nation.

For those who missed it, here’s the team:

DEFENSE
Joe Greene – Defensive Tackle (1969-81)
L.C. Greenwood – Defensive End (1969-81)
Casey Hampton – Nose Tackle (2001-Present)
Ernie Stautner – Defensive Tackle (1950-63)
Dwight White – Defensive End (1971-80)
Jack Ham – Outside Linebacker (1971-82)
Jack Lambert – Middle Linebacker (1974-84)
Greg “F’N” Lloyd – Outside Linebacker (1988-97)
Joey Porter – Outside Linebacker (1999-2006)

I have to pause here and quibble with the last choice. Remember when I said the fans “mostly” got the voting right? Well, I hope you do since you just read it four sentences ago. Porter was a good player, no question. But All-Time great? Please. I think people tend to remember Porter as being better than he was because he played great ball in those four playoff games during the miracle run of 2005. Clearly, the Miami Dolphins do, because they surely didn’t notice he only had 5 sacks last year. Or maybe they did. They’re not exactly known for their keen judge of talent.

I’m not sure how he got on this team to be honest with you. From what I heard, he was the only member of the team to get booed when his name was announced. I suspect there was some ballot box stuffing or other shenanigans afoot. So, who should’ve been on the team?

Levon Kirkland. Talk about playing great in the playoffs, does anybody remember Super Bowl XXX? He was a one-man wrecking crew, running all over the field in an effort to kibosh the nefarious plans of Troy Aikman and the Dallas Cowpies. Kirkland was the anchor of those awesome Steeler defenses of the 90′s. He was one of the most amazing middle linebackers to ever play because he was huge (6’1 and he always weighed around 300 pounds) but fast enough to cover tight ends and drop back in zone coverage. Nobody with so much beef has moved that nimbly since Britney’s performance at the VMAs.

Andy Russell – Outside Linebacker (1963, 1966-76)
Mel Blount – Cornerback (1970-83)
Jack Butler – Defensive Back (1951-59)
Carnell Lake – Safety (1989-98)
Troy Polamalu – Safety (2003-Present)
Donnie Shell – Safety (1974-87)
Rod Woodson – Cornerback (1987-96)

OFFENSE

Terry Bradshaw – Quarterback (1970-83)
Rocky Bleier – Running Back (1968, 1970-80)
Jerome Bettis – Running Back (1996-05)

Somebody needs to tell me the name of Jerome’s tailor. I’m a bit on the husky side myself and that dude does the best camouflage job I’ve ever seen. Did anybody see Bettis at halftime? I realize that he’s retired so he can let himself go but DAMN. He looked humongous.  Seriously, where’s Dan Marino and his amazing weight loss plan when you need them?  Somebody call Nutra-System, STAT.  When they cut to him next Sunday, I’m going to be on the look out for Carrie Fisher in a shiny metal bikini.

Franco Harris – Running Back (1972-83)
Bennie Cunningham – Tight End (1976-85)
Elbie Nickel – Tight End (1947-57)
John Stallworth – Wide Receiver (1974-87)
Lynn Swann – Wide Receiver (1974-82)
Hines Ward – Wide Receiver (1998-Present)

Stallworth and Swann? Do we really need them both? What about Louis Lipps? Anybody who caught 359 passes for 6,031 yards and 39 touchdowns while also making a damn fine cookie deserves a spot on this team.

Besides, Stallworth and Swann had the advantage of playing with Terry Bradshaw. Who did Louis having throwing to him? Mark Malone? His greatest talent was the ability to grow a swank mustache.

In other news, I heard it on good authority that Swannie received 42,329 votes. Perhaps not so coincidentally, that’s exactly how many votes he received when he ran for governor in 2006.

Larry Brown – Offensive Tackle (1971-84)
Dermontti Dawson – Center (1988-00)
Alan Faneca – Guard (1998-Present)
Tunch Ilkin – Offensive Tackle (1980-92)
Jon Kolb – Offensive Tackle (1969-81)
Mike Webster – Center (1974-88)

SPECIALISTS

Gary Anderson – Kicker (1982-94)
Bobby Walden – Punter (1968-77)

No problems with those two. But here is where the most glaring omission takes place. What about Willis Hope Thompson?

What about Weegie?

No 75th anniversary could be complete without one scrappy, hard-working, blue-collar player that epitomizes what it means to be a Pittsburgh Steeler. The soul of this team has always been the fact we’re not glitzy, we’re not flashy, and we’re not slick. We’re a hard-nosed, gritty, smash mouth team from a blue-collar city that likes its beer and its kielbasa.

Weegie Thompson deserves a place on the 75th anniversary team simply for epitomizing what it means to be a Pittsburgh Steeler. He never put up big numbers. He was never the go-to receiver. But Weegie shouldered on. He made the blocks, he covered the kicks, he busted the wedges… All with a smile on his face and a Flock Of Seagulls haircut on top of his head.

Anyway, looking over the names on this team brings back a flood of memories over a lifetime of being a Steeler fan. We have been blessed with an embarrassment of riches when it comes to having talented football players. So to every one of them, from Franco Harris to Walter Abercrombie, from Hines Ward to Weegie Thompson, I say to them all, “thanks for the memories.”