With no game this Sunday, I’m forced to write about something else. What do guys think about when they’re not thinking about sports? Food, obviously. Since my recipe for Five Alarm Chili isn’t that interesting, I should probably pick something else. Then I remembered my posts on the Ben Roethlisberger lawsuit always seem popular.

Which makes sense what with the Male Triangle of Interest being made up of food, sports, and women. The only problem is there isn’t anything new to report on the Roethlisberger case. The judge denied a motion to dismiss but all that means is there is the barest minimum of evidence to warrant a hearing. So what else is there to say?

Then I read about an ESPN baseball commentator by the name of Steve Phillips. He was recently fired for having an affair with an underling half his age. We only know about it because the girl went batshit insane stalking him, texting him, writing letters to his wife where she casually mentions the shape of his penis, etc. About a month ago, David Letterman was involved in a similar scandal. Evidently, he was using his production staff as a personal brothel and when somebody found out, they wanted money in exchange for their silence. The Roethlisberger lawsuit is like a combination of those two. In his case, the woman, who was unstable to begin with, went totally crazy after he slept with her and when no satisfaction was to be had, she decided to sue him for money.

What is it with people nowadays? Can’t celebrities take advantage of their fame, wealth, and power for sexual gain? Clearly, something needs to be done. And since I don’t care about those other two assclowns, I just want to help Big Ben. I’m eminently qualified to give relationship advice, having seen Twilight in the theaters twice and read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus cover-to-cover.

So here are five handy tips for Ben (or any other Steeler) when it comes to having sex without a lawsuit.

1) Go for a woman who doesn’t really like you. I don’t mean like she’s a Browns fan or something.  I mean, she’s not all that impressed by you or what you do.  I realize this sort of defeats the purpose because if you weren’t a rich famous athlete, you’d probably have a hard a time getting laid just like every other tall, goofy-looking doofus.  But this criteria is vitally important.  You don’t want a woman with the “I want to be the next Deanna Favre or Brenda Warner and already have the title of my book picked out.” look in her eyes.

2)  Go for the girl who has a career.  A real career, not desk clerk at a hotel.  Preferably who makes more than 50K a year.  Career women are usually pretty busy.  They don’t appreciate when you do things like waste her time or try to establish an emotional connection or talk.

3) She’s got a boyfriend or husband of her own.  I know this sounds terrible but if they already have somebody they’re less likely to want a relationship with you.  These women are more likely to keep the hook-up secret.  Unless of course you’re on their Cheat List (every couple has a list of one or two people that they are permitted to cheat with if ever given the chance.  Mine’s Alyssa Milano), then they can tell their bf/husband who’ll probably think it’s cool.  In any case, they’re just using you for sex.  As long as you don’t have any lame hang-ups like morals or a conscience, that’s a pretty sweet deal.

4) She’s the team bicycle.  As in “everybody gets a ride.”  As in, a groupie.  Obviously, the bonus here is she knows the rules, is okay with them, and has no interest in your life.  A few diseases, maybe, but no interest.  And she likely has a few uses for the Terrible Towel that would make Myron Cope scream “Double Yoi!”

5)  She’s sane.  Do you know why so many guys went to see movies like Fatal Attraction or Basic Instinct?  No, it wasn’t for a three second crotch shot.  It’s because crazy chicks are hot.  Given the choice between safe and sweet or off-the-rails, deep down most guys prefer the latter.

Unfortunately, the level of nuttiness seems proportional to the level of fame.  An ordinary schmuck like myself might date a crazy chick and end up with forty five cuss-filled messages on my voicemail and his car all keyed up.  A famous athlete dates one and they end up shot in the head.

Rest in peace, Steve McNair.

My point here is that even though we, as men, are wired to seek out danger and excitement, you must deny those impulses when it comes to women.  The level of risk doesn’t match the level of reward.  Unless of course a night of passion with the Cowgirl is worth $375,000 to you.

So there you go, Ben.  Print this out, pass it to your teammates, paste it up in the locker room even.  You got yourself in one fine mess, this will help to prevent it ever happening again.  Happy hunting, my man.

How awesome is that commercial?  I’ve watched it four times in the past hour and still wanna see it again.  Something had to make up for that ridiculous Ben Roethlisberger auditions for ”American Idol” ad which aired last season.   The greatness of Troy Polamalu aside, I’m not prepared to declare it the best Steeler-related commercial ever however.  No, not Mean Joe giving the kid his jersey either.   My favorite will always be, you guessed it, “Nice pick, Cowah!”

Watching Steeler commercials on a continuous loop must mean only one thing:  BYE WEEK.   Yes, this is that one week a year us Pittsburghers dread, the Steelerless Sunday.  I was going to do a run down of the week’s games and offer some of my always insightful analysis but then I realized “who cares about other teams?”  I’m sure football fanatics and degenerate gamblers are salivating over the sexy Miami Dolphins-Houston Texans match-up but I can’t really muster up any interest.  When you’re used to drinking fine champagne, a can of PBR doesn’t entice you (although it works wonders on coeds from Pitt, frat boys must save a bundle on roofies).

Anyway, before I resume my regularly scheduled posting habits next week, I thought I’d just post a few a news items of interest to tide Steeler Nation over until then.

–Gene Collier, who I believe has been a columnist since I was in 3rd grade, wrote about Santonio Holmes’ hometown. Readers of this blog know I covered the story and posted an awesome video on this subject THREE MONTHS AGO.  Way to stay hip and current Post-Gazette.  Seriously, though, watch the video (and comment).  It’s one of the best segments I’ve ever seen.

–Speaking of Santonio, the reason for his sudden disappearance last week was evidently because he got kicked in the junk. Of course, you have to read between the lines in the always family friendly P-G.  Landed on someone’s shoe = kicked.  Lower abdominal region = junk.  If anybody saw the pictures of Holmes taken this summer by his girlfriend groupie ho, you’d know what a major catastrophe this could’ve been.

–Also in junk-related news, did anybody hear about Browns TE Kellen Winslow being sent to the hospital for “undisclosed reasons?” Turns out the undisclosed reasons were swollen testicles. They really better start Brady Quinn because now his boredom is affecting the whole team.

–Mister Woodley is not pleased.  I implored you to vote for a Steeler Sweep in the weekly NFL awards and we did not get the job done.   Big Ben won Offensive Player of the Week and Mike Tomlin won Coach of the Week but LaMarr Woodley came up short in his bid for the Defensive Award. He will no doubt take his anger out on the Cincinnati Bungles next weekend.  By the way, check out the list of past Defensive winners.  Mister Woodley and Troy won back-to-back weeks one and two and then J-Peezy (Joey Porter) took it in week three.  Blitzburgh defense is truly a wonderful thing.

–James Harrison was fined $20,000 for suggesting the officials should be fined for their atrocious performance in the Jacksonville game.  Hines Ward was also slapped with a $5,000 fine for unnecessary roughness in the Baltimore game.  The rub?  He was never flagged for unnecessary roughness.  So evidently Roger “See No Evil” Goodell can see evil and can even see evil on videotape but it has to be three weeks after it occurred and when the officials who are standing two feet from the plays saw nothing at all.

Have a good weekend, or at least as good as it can be without a glorious Steeler victory, and I’ll be back next week with my regularly scheduled smack talk.