Pop Quiz:   How are the Pittsburgh Steelers like a woman’s period?

Answer:  When it comes time to show up, it’s always better late than never.

Yesterday’s 38-10 dismantling of the Cincinnati Bengals wasn’t as easy as the score might indicate.  If you watched the first quarter, then decided to:

- Watch 45 minutes of “Contact”
- Burn a mix CD for a “friend”
- Go on a Starbucks run
- Watch a quarter of woman’s volleyball on ESPNU
- Play Metal Gear Solid

And came back just in time to see the Human Victory Cigar, QB Byron Leftwich, throw a final TD pass in the 4th quarter, you’d probably think, “Easy win.”

But you’d be wrong.  Very very wrong.   For you see, something happened between the beginning and end of the game.  Somewhere in there the Steelers decided to make things interesting by playing down to the level of their opponents.  And that’s why what should have been a merciless smashing at halftime turned into a meager 10-7 advantage.

I couldn’t believe what was unfolding before my eyes.  The Steelers went up by 10 in the first quarter while limiting the inept Bungles to 20 yards of total offense.  Evidently defensive coordinator Dick Lebeau decided this was an insurmountable lead and put our D into prevent.

Maybe it wasn’t actually prevent but it sure looked like it.   All our DBs started playing 10-15 yards off the wide receivers, allowing QB Ryan Fitzpatrick to complete passes at will.  The LBs weren’t helping matters either as the most fearsome pass rush in the NFL failed to get anywhere near the Bengal signal caller.  On the flip side, QB Ben Roethlisberger and the offense went from moving the ball at will to a complete standstill.  I blame Bruce Arians for no other reason than he’s Bruce Arians.

Luckily, the Steelers woke up and realized they were the Steelers by the start of the fourth and the route was on.  A three TD avalanche in the final frame accompanied by some stifling defense restored the universe to proper order.  The final stats are pretty impressive if you just look at the game on paper.  But to Cincy’s credit, they found a way to (once again) hang around much longer than their meager talent had any right letting them.

RB Mewelde Moore has clearly established himself as an absolute gem of a free agent pick-up.  He rushed for 120 yards and scored 3 TDs in relief of Pothole Willie Parker.  Whatever they’re paying this guy, it’s a steal.  Speaking of stealing money, $7 million dollar benchwarmer OT Max Starks got his first action of the season and did a decent job as the line managed to keep Big Ben from getting sacked for the first time this year.  Of course, this is more a function of Cincy’s terrible defense than awesome pass blocking but we’ll take what we can get.  I did notice RG Darnell Stapleton made several crushing blocks to spring Moore on running plays so the Steelers might have found something there.

When the defense looked good, man did it look good.  Blitzburgh finished with 7 sacks, all by our linebackers.   James Harrison and LaMarr Woodley had 2 apiece and Lawrence Timmons (starting for the first time this year) chipped in 2 more.  I never thought I’d see a better group than the Kevin Greene, Greg Lloyd, Chad Brown, Levon Kirkland foursome back in the early 90’s but these guys might be it.   The only bad play was by our CBs but that seemed to be more a result of being told to give the Cincy WRs too much respect.  Bryant McFadden was getting dissected by Fitzy on their lone TD.  He later left the game with an injury so that might explain how our best CB went down the tubes so quickly.   And S Troy Polamalu, doing his part to keep the NFL from becoming a pansy game, left after getting concussed on a devastating helmet-popping collision in the third quarter.

Didn’t matter, however, as by the end of the game the Steelers went into full mop up mode.  The hapless Cleveland Browns went down in flames again to the Wash Redfaces (who’ll we will be seeing in a couple weeks) so their one week resurgence lasted exactly one week.  Pesky Baltimore defeated the Miami Dolphins Wildcats to hang around in the division but after playing them, does anybody consider them a threat?   The next three games see us play the Giants, Colts, and Skins so I guess we’ll get a chance to see exactly how good we are in the coming weeks.  So far the Steelers have been flying comfortably under the radar but a few big wins and that’ll all change really fast as the NFL media looks for the Next Big Story.

Winning cures all ills and the Cincinnati Bengals have typified that over the Marvin Lewis era. After the 2005 season, Lewis was praised as a savior for the Bengals organization despite his players’ constant run-ins with the law.  And if winning cures all the ills, losing amplifies all of the ills and after an 8-8 season in which the Bengals blew chance after chance to make the playoffs, gripes about Lewis’ coaching style started to surface. After a tumultuous 7-9 season in 2007, the honeymoon was clearly over and Lewis is probably in his last season with Cincinnati. Unless of course, he wins.

Unfortunately, this has all of the makings of a disaster season as the defense made the grave mistake of hiring Mike Zimmer to be the defensive coordinator. They also have the Chad Johnson fiasco, which likely will not end well. But for all of the talk of getting rid of Lewis, one has to wonder whom they will get to replace him and do a better job. Who will be good enough to work with a cheap owner in Mike Brown and take over a roster filled with criminals, troublemakers, and malcontents?

STEELER DEFENSE vs. BENGALS OFFENSE

QB Carson Palmer has been ruled out of the game.  So the duties will fall to 4th year back-up Ryan Fitzpatrick.  Fitz played his college ball at that football powerhouse, Harvard.   I might not know much about him but I’m guessing he can kick your ass on the S.A.T.s.  Speaking of which, he’s probably most famous for the urban rumor that he scored a perfect 50 on the Wonderlic test in only nine minutes thus beating Vince Young by 44 points.  I was recently given a chance to share my wealth of Steeler knowledge on a Bengal website so I’ll return the favor and give him a chance to tell us about this Ryan fellow.

Anyway, in two games he’s accumulated a stunning QB rating of 57.7 which is hard to believe because, like the S.A.T.s, you get 75 points just for showing up.  He’s thrown one TD pass this year despite having some decent receivers and no semblance of a running game so I wouldn’t be too optimistic about how he’ll fare against our PH.D of D Dick Lebeau and his exotic schemes.

The running game has been so bad that they went out and signed Party Animal Cedric Benson.  The Bears had enough of him after his 2nd DUI in as many months but evidently no crime is too horrible and no rap sheet is too long for the Bungles.  Benson hasn’t done much this year as he’s working himself back into game shape.  The nominal starter is Chris Perry, who the astute Cincinnati management liked so much they got rid of Rudi Johnson during the preseason.  Perry’s responded to being handed the job by stinking out the joint, fumbling 5 times this season while averaging a miserable 2.6 YPC and cracking the 50 yard barrier only once this season.

The Bengals use a 3 WR, 1 TE scheme and usually leave the tight end in for pass blocking help. They did this with Reggie Kelly over the years, but now have Ben Utecht to take over Kelly’s old duties.  Of course this didn’t save Carson Palmer from getting creamed earlier this year.  The Steelers will definitely be able to get pressure on the QB and with a young inexperienced guy back there, responding to that pressure will require a Herculean effort.

The Steelers have been coy about the returns of NT Fats Hampton and DE Bret Keisel.  Not to downgrade these excellent players but the defense was more than fine without them as Chris Hoke, Travis Kirschke, and Nick Eason formed a solid line in their absence.  They held the hard-running Jaguars to only 50 yards on the ground and now they’re going against a team that can’t run the ball at all.  You do the math.

Cincinnati will have to throw the ball, early and often.  Luckily for them, good WRs they do have.  Chad Uno (TD catches this year) is the speed guy and it’s tough to argue with a guy who has finished 2nd, 5th and 6th in WR DPAR in the last three seasons.  He wanted out of Cincy last year and Mike Brown refused to trade him and take an $8 million cap hit.  He’s clearly moved on to plan B, the Randy Moss Scenario, where he has decided to play like crap so the team will give up on him after this year.  The Bengals are fortunate to have another superstar receiver in TJ Houshmandzadeh on the other side of the field from Uno.  While Housh is the “hands” of the team, he’s nowhere near as fast as Johnson, but he’s much bigger and has really good speed for his size.

Our secondary Triple Threat of Ike Taylor, Bryant McFadden, and Deshea Townshend has played very well all year long.  As long as they show up to play this Sunday things should be under control although mental lapses of any kind and the Bengals do have the players to hurt you.  They also have the players to steal, rape, punch, and drunkenly crash into you but that’s another story.

STEELER OFFENSE vs. BENGALS DEFENSE

Defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer is a 3-4 coach but due to personnel has been forced to stick with Marvin Lewis’ favored 4-3 scheme.  The Bengals are one of those teams who love to use a lot of Cover 2 zone.  Over the years, they have struggled heavily against the run. Here’s how their average yards allowed per carry have looked under Marvin Lewis:

2003……..4.8
2004……..4.4
2005……..4.3
2006……..4.2
2007……..4.2

Fast Willie Parker was set to make his return this Sunday and licking his lips over the chance to run against that defense.  He already has four 100 yard games against them and would very likely add a fifth this weekend.  Then he stepped in a hole.   Yes, you read that right.  A first class, professionally run organization which spares no expense in strength, conditioning, and rehabilitation equipment for their players has evidently lost a key player to injury because of a POTHOLE.

I have no idea who the Steelers employ to take care of both Heinz and their practice fields but they should be fired immediately.   Meanwhile, Mewelde Moore, who offense coordinator Bruce Arians didn’t seem to realize was on this team until two weeks ago, has performed tremendously in FWP’s absence.  It looks like he’ll be given the featured back role once again this Sunday.   Hopefully he’ll have the same success he had against the much stouter-against-the-run Jaguars.

With Zimmer running the defense, Ben Roethlisberger can almost breathe a sigh of relief this week.  The Cowboys went from 34 sacks under Zimmer in 2006 to 46 sacks under Wade Phillips in 2007 because of different philosophies as the players stayed the same.  Expect a very conservative defense that will likely blitz only in very obvious or very safe situations.  The linebacker position for the Bengals is in disarray as the only player solid at a position is rookie Keith Rivers, an explosive weakside backer. Odell Thurman was a trouble-maker who’s not playing for them anymore. He won my defensive rookie of the year award in 2005, even over Lofa Tatupa, so it’s sad when you think how good he once was.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Big Ben is going to take some sacks no matter how good of a line we put in front of him because of his tendency to hold the ball and his belief that he can escape any situation to make a big play.  As such, I think the baseline for sacks/game is about 3.  Even with minimal pressure and good blocking, Ben is going to go down several times a game simply because of his playing style.

WRs Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes should still be able to find room out there and make a few plays.  I’d also look for TE Heath Miller to have his first big game of the year.  With their lack of pass rush and weak LB corp, he’ll be able release off the line and roam around in open space a lot more often this week than in previous ones.

One the surface, the winless Bengals don’t seem to have much going for them.  But as we saw last week when two 0-fer teams got their first victories, a hungry and desperate NFL team is a dangerous NFL team.   Also, for as bleak as the future looks, other than a terrible effort against the Titans, Cincinnati has played competitively almost every week.  Three of their losses have been by a TD or less and they took the World Champion Giants to OT.  Even if Ocho Bozo has given up, it doesn’t appear the team as a whole has.  No matter what the year, what the record, or who the QB, be it Neil O’Donnell, Jon Kitna, or Jeff Blake, the Bengals usually play the Steelers tough.  With some of the hardest games of the year on the horizon, let’s hope this week isn’t one where the Black and Gold look past their opponent and fall into a trap.