I wanted to be a scientist when I grew up. Don’t ask me to specify which science. I just knew “scientist” sounded like a pretty cool job. Plus, there was always the hope I would some day get accidentally bombarded by gamma radiation. Then came calculus and I quickly realized “scientist” might not be my intended career path after all.

I still admire what they do. When I was at Carnegie Mellon, I was always eager to hear about their advancements in robotics and artificial intelligence. When our evil metallic overlords rise up to enslave us all, you can safely direct a large amount of the blame toward that fine institution. I also enjoyed hearing about how their robotic creations were used to find and explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before…

Of course, some scientists do their exploring the old fashioned way. They use a big ass telescope. Recently, a Dr. Eric Mamajek , clearly a man of high moral character and good taste in an oasis of Massholes, peeked through his big ass telescope and saw something between Mars and Jupiter. They call it a “minor planet” although that sounds like calling something a “minor groin pull.” Ain’t nothing minor about either one.

The International Astronomical Union, an organization which no doubt purchases pocket protectors in bulk, has officially named it 7835 Myroncope.

Yes, Myron Cope has a freakin’ planet named after him. A minor planet, but a planet nonetheless. No word yet on whether they plan to send a space probe over to plant a Terrible Towel in the soil. But they should.

Other football related news:

–Taking a cue from Carlton Haselrig, several Steelers decided to turn mini-camp practices into an MMA event last week. “I don’t know, maybe they’ve been watching Georges Laraque,” said OL Max Starks. No Max, if they’d been watching Laraque, they would’ve stood around watching other people start shit while waiting for the coach to tap them on the shoulder and remind them they’re supposed to be an enforcer.

–The Post-Gazette thinks Marvel Smith is in the same boat as Alan Faneca. I guess they’re doing P.R. work for agents now. Sure, they’re in the same boat. Unless you count the fact Faneca is a five-time Pro Bowler while Smith made it once and Faneca is relatively healthy while Smith is coming off major back surgery which caused him to pretty much miss the entire season last year.

–Franco Harris spoke at Brashear High School. Meanwhile over in Hampton, Ben Roethlisberger visited Wyland Elementary. Luckily for Wyland, their second choice, Roger Clemens, declined their invitation. He already had a date for the weekend.

—Ex-Steeler/Super Bowl Champion Plaxico Burress is holding out for more money. Who didn’t see this one coming? He’s an elite player when he’s not missing every other game over some injury or totally disappearing in the playoffs. Burress did come up man-sized in bringing down the hated Patriots, though, so he’ll always get my respect for that.

–“Raven For Life,” Jonathan Ogden retires. Know what that means? Whichever talentless scrub Baltimore decides to trot out there this season just got a little easier for us to sack.

–The Bengals released both WR Chris Henry and LB Odell Thurman. If Cincinnati continues to remove all the criminals from their roster, they might not have enough players to field a team.

–Bills RB Marshawn Lynch is in trouble over an alleged hit-and-run incident. The Curse of O.J. Simpson, perhaps?

Anybody watch the EliteXC MMA show on CBS last Saturday?

If you’re a proud yinzer like me, you probably spent the night watching the Detroit Red Wings put the kibosh on our beloved Pittsburgh Penguins. Sadly, our quest for Lord Stanley’s Cup was fruitless as they went down to ultimate defeat last night. As an aside, I don’t want to sound like a whiny bitch, otherwise known as a Seahawk fan, but I’ll never understand NHL officiating no matter how many games I watch. However, giving credit where credit is due, Detroit was the better team and a deserving champion. If not for the heroic efforts of The Flower, Marc-Andre Fleury, the Pens would’ve been swept in 4.

Anyway, back to big sweaty tattooed men beating the snot out of each other. I posted that clip because it might be of interest to Steeler Nation. Last Saturday night, on that MMA show, a familiar name fought in an unaired prelim. Anybody remember Carlton Haselrig?

C’mon, people! Haselrig was one of the most gifted offensive linemen we’ve ever had. You think Barry Foster, Bam Morris, and Eric Pegram gained all those yards by themselves? Haselrig served up more pancakes than IHOP. What’s amazing is he never played ONE down of college football. He was an amateur wrestling star at Pitt. While there, he even beat future TNA Champion/WWE Champion/Olympic Hero, Kurt Angle. Three years later, he was in the Pro Bowl.

Unfortunately, Haselrig was a, how to put this nicely, FREAKIN’ NUTCASE. He once locked his keys in his car. Instead of using a coathanger to jimmy the lock, he decided to break the passenger window WITH HIS BARE HAND.

And that wasn’t even his manliest incident ever. He was once arrested for driving his motorcycle. Yep, Big Ben’s two-wheeled hijinks weren’t the first time the Steelers have run afoul of the Chopper Gods. Poor Carlton also had a motorcycle-related incident, although he was wearing his helmet…

BACKWARDS. But he was wearing it because, hey, if you’re going to cruise through McKee’s Rocks completely blind while on top of a 500 cc instrument of death, it’s best to remember safety first. Upon being questioned by the fuzz, he reportedly said he did this because he “wanted to see if he could.” That’s the best reason to do anything, folks.

So it should come as no surprise that Haselrig has decided to move on to manly pursuits which actually pay him money. Namely Mixed Martial Arts.

Sure he’s 42 years old. Sure he just started his new career in April. But this man is a 6 time NCAA wrestling champion. Even Angle admits he would’ve won a Gold medal had he pursued the Olympics. Instead he turned to football and dominated at something he had zero collegiate experience at. So I wouldn’t bet against him. If he puts his mind to it, I truly think he can accomplish anything, athletically-speaking.

UFC President Dana White, are you listening? I hear Brock Lesnar could use an opponent on a future card. Make it so!

When did Pittsburgh become the new Cincinnati?

This week saw yet another tally added to the litany of off-season woes when Steely McBeam, our much beloved reviled mascot, was arrested and charged with a DUI. Acting swiftly, the Steelers Cedric Wilson’d his ass before the ink on the police blotter dried. Whether his firing means that we have now lost our second cartoonish figure with an absurdly large chin in as many seasons is not known. What is known is sadly, this is not the worst Pittsburgh mascot related scandal in city history. That honor would go to the Pirate Parrot, who was once busted for selling blow to players back in the early 80’s.

In other Steeler related legal proceedings, Najeh Davenport was found not guilty of all criminal charges in his domestic violence case. The Dump Truck can breathe easy, secure in the knowledge the only black brown mark on his otherwise spotless record will continue to be the incident where he was busted for shitting in his ex-girlfriend’s closet.

This brings me to the topic of the recent controversy over the release of Cedric Wilson on the heels on a similar domestic abuse case being filed against Pro Bowl linebacker James Harrison. It seems like there are a number of columnists, both local and national, who are using the situation to expose the Steelers as hypocrites or the same as any other team when it comes to character issues. Mark Madden, a popular local talk show/self-promoting fool, has been particularly vocal about the perceived double-standard.

Well, there is no double-standard. If you spend thirty seconds to analyze the situations and if you know anything about Steeler history, you’d know their behavior this off-season is no different than it has been any other off-season. The Steelers have never, NEVER, been the type of team who cut a player at the first hint of trouble. As noted, Davenport was arrested for domestic abuse and he wasn’t cut on sight. Current wide out Santonio Holmes was arrested for disorderly conduct three weeks after he was drafted. Cedric Wilson was arrested on a prior charge of domestic abuse and he wasn’t cut either.

The Steelers have always shown they are willing to let the legal process play out before making a judgement about a player. The only reason their hand was forced with Wilson was he went into a PUBLIC place and, in front of dozens of impartial witnesses, smacked the taste out of his girlfriend’s mouth. At that point, there is no grey area. At that point, there is no benefit of the doubt.

This has nothing to do with one being an All-Pro and the other being the #4 wide receiver. Pittsburgh has consistently shown that they have no problem cutting talented players if they feel their personal issues or conduct reflects poorly on the organization. We had a fantastic Pro Bowl offensive lineman named Carleton Haselrig. The Steelers cut him when his problems with alcohol and love for driving his motorcycle through McKees Rocks wearing his helmet BACKWARDS left them no choice. Anybody remember Bam Morris? He was our star running back, 1,000 yard rusher, and almost single-handedly won Super Bowl XXX when our quarterback suddenly lost his ability to distinguish black jerseys from white. The Steelers cut him loose when he was caught in Texas with approximately ten pounds of marijuana in his trunk. Guess he got a discount for buying in bulk.

The point is, the Steelers have not tarnished their reputation in any way this off-season. They are simply continuing to employ the standards and policies for personal conduct they always have. As a respectable organization, to even put them in the same category as Cincinnati or Baltimore is beyond laughable. Those organizations have players who’ve been arrested dozens of times and/or actually served jail time for their involvement in shootings. Pittsburgh would never tolerate that which is why we’re still better than them.

I applaud the Rooneys for their fair and even-handed approach to running their organization. Unlike what the pulpit-thumpers or publicity seekers would have you believe, professional athletes are at a greater risk for exaggerated charges and false accusations simply because of who they are. Remember Randy Moss had a restraining order slapped on him the week before the Super Bowl? That went away, didn’t it?

To err is human, to forgive is divine. Except in the case of Steely McBeam. Good riddance to that buffoon. Besides, I hear Dallas is interested in a new mascot. He should be expecting a phone call from Jerry Jones any day now…