Memo to Fox Sports:  Never let Troy Aikman broadcast his former team again.

During the third quarter of the Pittsburgh Steelers 20-13 dismantling of the Dallas Cowboys, I sat in stunned silence as Aikman made the absolutely ridiculous claim that the Dallas defense was outplaying the Steelers top ranked unit.  What game was he watching?  Maybe he took one too many blows to the head during his playing days and has forgotten that Jerry Jones no longer signs his paychecks.  Hey Troy, you’re paid to be an unbiased commentator, not serve as an unofficial P.R. person for an overhyped and undertalented team.

There’s no denying our offense was downright brutal for much of the game.  That would be surprising to anybody who has watched exactly zero Steeler games this season.  Indianapolis and Washington also stymied the Steelers so am I to believe they are top defensive units as well?   Or maybe, if I wanted to speak the truth and not try to heap undeserving praise on a mediocre team, I would just admit the Steelers are terrible at moving the ball.

Offensive Coordinator Bruce Arians is an absolute unmitigated disaster as a play caller.  I’ve tried to spread the blame around but in this case he deserves all of it.  Don’t even start about the offensive line.  They gave up ZERO sacks in the first half when QB Ben Roethlisberger was seldom even touched.  Dallas made halftime adjustments which combined with the Steelers almost total abandonment of the run in the 2^nd half led to the defense pinning their ears back and getting after Ben to the tune of 5 sacks.  It’s hard to blame them when our O-Coordinator practically faxes our game plan over to the other team with his obvious and unintelligent calls.

Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of Arians’ regime is his continuing refusal to run the ball.  Mike Tomlin did the smart thing by deferring the kickoff, thus ensuring the Steelers would have the wind at their backs in the 4^th quarter.  However, when Pittsburgh was going the other way, Arians repeatedly dialed up pass after pass into the stiff swirling winds.  This same wind caused Skippy Reed to miss an easy FG and both punters to have miserable days but evidently Arians wasn’t paying attention to any of that.  Or maybe he was and like Wile E. Coyote, he figures there’s no questioning a sooper-genius.

It wasn’t even like our running game was performing poorly.  Both Willie Parker and Mewelde Moore were churning out positive yardage and probably would’ve chewed up turf and clock had they been given more of an opportunity.  Arians doesn’t seem to comprehend you have to be patient with 2-3 yard carries because sooner or later you wear down the defense which opens up the entire playbook.  Maybe the clown was absent the day they taught that in Offense 101.

The Blitzburgh Defense once again performed magnificently in totally humiliating Tony Romo and the rest of Dallas’ alleged Pro Bowl caliber talent.  I wonder how many unemployed Texans had to sit home in their mothers’ basements rapidly clicking on NFL.com to send 13 of these bums to Hawaii last year.  Dallas had FOUR turnovers in the first half, which I guess in Aikman World isn’t as good as the two the Steelers had, but in reality showed who had the superior defense.  Romo once again proved to be an equal opportunity choker as evidently there is no stage too big nor any game too important for him to stink out the joint.  Hey GQ, if you’re gonna play like crap, at least bring Jessica.

The downhill slide began on the first possession when S Troy Polamalu picked off an errant Romo pass.  This continued throughout as Romo made poor decisions, failed to make his reads, and was wildly inaccurate all game long.  His lone TD pass to Terrell Owens, who likewise was shut down by Can’t See Me Ike Taylor (leading ultimate team player T.O. on another of his whiny crybaby jags on the sidelines), came as a result of a nifty scramble away from the pass rush which bought the WRs about two and a half minutes to get open in the end zone.  Rookie RB Tashard Choice had a pretty good game running the ball although most of that came from the D showing too much respect to the pass.  When the Steelers wanted to stop him, like on a crucial 4^th and 1 play, they had no problems doing so.

The game was tied 3-3 at halftime when the Steelers should’ve been up by about 20.  In the 3^rd quarter, the teams continued to match ineptness for ineptness on offense although the Cowboys managed to start moving the ball with the aforementioned Choice.  They still didn’t manage much in way of points except for a long field goal and the chintzy TD to Owens.  The Steelers finally managed to put together a drive late in the quarter, ignited by a 47 yard bomb to Santonio Holmes (3-82).  They got the ball to the Cowboys 1 and then failed on four straight plays to punch it in.  It didn’t appear to be the Steelers day.

Luckily, with our defense, turning the ball over deep in enemy territory isn’t the worst gamble to make.  They put the hammer down and forced a punt, which Holmes broke for a 35 yard run back.  Again, the offense stalled and we settled for a Skippy Reed FG.  Dallas did nothing on the next possession and we took the ball back with about five minutes left.  Big Ben worked from the No Huddle, which should be renamed the No Arians since without him to call the wrong plays we actually began to move the ball.  Ben converted a crucial 4^th and centimeters to keep the drive alive and two key catches by Tiffin Thunder Nate Washington (4-58) set us up at the Dallas 6.  Heath Miller caught a little dump off to tie to the game right before the two minute warning.

Dallas took the ball and it was time to see how clutch Tony Romo could be.  He immediately answered his critics by handing the ball to Choice.  Gutsy, man.  On his next play, he manned up enough to actually throw the ball.  Unfortunately for him, he threw it to CB Deshea Townshend, who returned it back the other way for a Pick Six.  Game set match.  So once again Romo proved to be anything but Mr. Clutch and once again the Blitzburgh defense snatched victory from the jaws of defeat.

All is right with the world.

Strippers beware! Hide your tassels and clear plastic shoes ‘cause Pacman and his Dallas Cowboys are coming to town.

Last year, Dallas had a fantastic regular season, going 13-3, churning out 13 Pro Bowlers, and earning postseason home field advantage only to have all their work undone by QB Tony Romo, a large breasted blonde, and an ill-timed trip to Cabo.  I can relate.

The Cowboys returned stating emphatically on their nauseating “Hard Knocks” series that this year it’s Super Bowl or Bust. But with Terrell Owens being a black hole of team chemistry, Tony Romo’s lack of intestinal fortitude, Wade Phillips looking over his shoulder at coach-in-waiting Jason Garrett, and Pacman Jones being Pacman Jones, the Cowboys are on the outside looking in as all the adversity may be too much for a good team to reach the zenith of professional football.

STEELER DEFENSE vs. COWBOYS OFFENSE

Under the watchful eye of owner/self-promoting jackass Jerry Jones, the Cowboys built an offense which relies heavily on strong-armed QB Romo getting the ball down the field to their big play WRs. Unfortunately, he didn’t account for injuries (a QB being injured in the NFL? SHOCKING!). When Romo went down with a sissy pinky injury, which man-sized QBs like Bret Favre play through but is evidently too crippling for GQ to tolerate, their offense collapsed.

Luckily, Romo is back and seems to have recovered well enough to return the offense to their previous high scoring ways. The big change in offensive philosophy under Phillips was the team going from the Parcells’ theory of controlling the clock to Garrett’s philosophy of trying to score as much as you can as often as you can. Again, a crucial mistake as had they kept a running back centered attack, perhaps they wouldn’t have been stuck behind the 8 Ball when their QB went down.

They have an excellent back in Marion Barber. Of course, their concern was Barber was never a featured back and that his straight-up running style will lead to injuries. That’s why they drafted Felix Jones to take some of the load off, until he went down with a season-ending injury. The concerns about Barber were unfounded until last week when he left the Thanksgiving game with an injured pinky toe. Yep, we’re dealing with a bunch of badasses here, folks.

He’s supposed to play but how effective he’ll be on a gimpy foot when healthy backs can’t do anything against the Steelers stingy run D is a good question. Barber is similar to Brandon Jacobs and the Steelers did a pretty good job on him so stopping another big bruising back probably isn’t a concern.

If you’re going to stop Dallas, you have to remember ABC: Always Be Covering. Patrick Crayton is more of a #3 WR but was elevated to #2 with the exit of Terry Glenn. Realizing their mistake, Jones rescued Roy Williams from that barren wasteland known as Detroit. Out of the approximately 73 WRs the Lions have drafted in the first round, Williams is actually pretty talented although hasn’t made much impact as of yet. When he gets enough reps with Romo, he will be dangerous. Even their 4^th receiver, Miles Austin, is dangerous because he’s got great size (6’3”) and legit 4.3 speed. Not to mention TE Jason Witten had his best year as a pro in 2007, both in pass receiving and blocking.

Can’t See Me Ike Taylor has been the textbook definition of a Shutdown Corner this season, stifling Randy Moss, Braylon Edwards, and T.J. Houshalottaletters among others. T.O. hasn’t really had a T.O.-like season this year but he or any of the Dallas receiving corps can strike at any moment so it’ll be up to our entire secondary to be on their game. I’m pretty sure our 122 pass yards/game average will go up even if everybody plays well but if Ike, Deshea Townshend, and returning Bryant McFadden can prevent the big play, they will have done their job.

Tony Romo takes a lot of crap for his goofy personality and diddling of various blonde bimbos but he’s played very well since taking over the team in 2006. In his 28 starts going into this season, he had 19 games of 90+ QB rating and leads the league in QB rating this year. Of course, the Steelers have faced the 1^st, 3^rd, and 5^th rated passers this season all exited the game broken shells of what they once were. His biggest asset is his pocket presence and accuracy, especially on some of the longer throws. However, he does have a Favreian gunslinger streak which means he tends to gamble and will throw interceptions. He’s also been a bit of a fumbler, especially when he steps up into the pocket, as his ball-handling skills are much like his taste in women; fast and loose. The hellacious Steeler pass rush will need to create havoc in their backfield since the game will turn on whether they can create some turnovers.

STEELER OFFENSE vs. COWBOY DEFENSE

There were much bigger changes on defense being made last year, although most didn’t know it because they kept the 3-4 scheme. The big difference was going from a traditional 2 gap 3-4 scheme to a 1 gap 3-4 scheme that Phillips has used since coaching under his father Bum. The 2 gap scheme is mainly there for stopping the run while the 1 gap scheme is there for attacking the quarterback.

Defensive Coordinator Brian Stewart was under fire during the Cowboys swoon, which led to Wade Phillips allegedly taking over more of the play calling duties. It’s hard to know for sure but the Cowboys went from blitzing 18% of the time under Brian Stewart to 28% of the time in recent weeks so I’m sure there’s some influence by Wade Phillips. While others may get more credit, I think it’s arguable that Wade Phillips may be second to only our legendary Dick Lebeau in terms of being the best D-Coordinator at concocting a pass rush.

His defenses have averaged 45 sacks a season over his 21 year coaching career. Dallas went from 34 sacks in 2006 to 46 in 2007 following his arrival. All of this spells bad news for the Steelers as the one Kryptonite this team has is teams which can get after the QB. The O-line handled a decent San Diego D and totally stymied Belichick’s goon squad so they’ve played better in recent weeks although the pass rushing talent increases exponentially here.

DeMarcus Ware is an absolute beast. He had 14 sacks last year and got screwed on 3 sacks that were called back by calls that the league later apologized for blowing. He struggles a tad in run defense and sometimes over commits trying to get to the passer so one of the Steelers best weapons might be screen passes and draws to Mewelde Moore. He also tweaked something on Thanksgiving, perhaps his big toe, but he is also apparently good to go and it’ll be a huge challenge for either Max Starks or Willie Colon to handle him one-on-one.

Opposite of Ware is Greg Ellis, another accomplished pass rusher. His problem is that he’s horrible in coverage and struggles against the run as an outside linebacker. Miami Dolphin refugee Zach Thomas fills a need because he’s excellent in pass coverage and is a magnet to the ball carrier although he’s getting older and not quite what he once was. This is a very talented LB corps and O-Coordinator Bruce Arians better be coming up with some plans to counteract the pressure they can bring. A good healthy ground game is vital at preventing these guys from pinning their ears back and coming at Ben Roethlisberger full bore.

The greatest defensive weakness on the Cowboys is their secondary. Terence Newman is their best player but he’s been injured for much of the season with groin and abdominal pulls. He’s played recently but the injuries have hampered some of his effectiveness as last year he was one of the best CBs in the league. Mike Jenkins on the other side has been pretty awful. They try to cover for him by rotating coverage but he’s a target anytime he’s one-on-one. Roy Williams and Ken Hamlin are below average in the safety spots. Pacman Jones returns from Last Chance #28 so he should get a good chunk of playing time in the nickel. To be honest, Pacman was an emerging superstar in Tennessee but what I’ve seen of him this year hasn’t impressed me at all. He’s better than your average NFL corner but he’s nowhere near the level he played at before he decided to Make It Rain.

If the line manages to rise up, or the offense can put forth a running attack which forces them to back off, Big Ben could have a very good day throwing the ball against this secondary. Even Arians’ beloved long passes wouldn’t be a bad gamble as anything is possible against this group. I’d look for TE Heath Miller and WR Hines Ward to be the go-to guys early as they work the middle of the field in short possession type throws. But a patented long bomb to Tiffin Thunder Nate Washington would be nice.

Trying to put my bias aside, Dallas is obviously a talented team. Their offense is strong and their defense is solid. They could easily be one of those teams which goes on a hot streak toward the end of the year and then plows through everybody on their way to a Super Bowl victory. But they could just as easily implode as the strong personalities and precarious injury situations have them always on the precipice of disaster. Last week, the Steelers dealt a potentially fatal blow to the Patriots playoff hopes. Nothing would be sweeter than to give Dallas a little taste of that same Black and Gold poison.

As regular readers of NPC surely expect, this is where I’d usually post some random news and/or talk a little smack about our upcoming opponents. Considering this week’s game is against longtime rival the Dallas Cowboys, I’m sure many of you thought I’d unveil a masterpiece along the lines of “29 Reasons Pittsburgh Is Better Than Dallas” or “Top Ten Venereal Diseases Tony Romo Has Contracted From Skanky Blondes.”

Sorry to disappoint.

I tried to do something like that but my heart wasn’t in it. Don’t misunderstand, I hate the Cowboys, more than any team not from Cleveland or coached by a hoodie wearing douchebag. But at the same time, I also have to respect them. When you look at the NFL, there are really two teams which stand out as the crown jewel franchises. One of course is the Steelers while the only other choice has to be the Cowboys.

Whenever a team is successful, you’ll find a segment of the country jumping on the bandwagon trying to feel like winners. This allegiance is always short-lived, ending as soon as said team stops winning Super Bowls. In the late 80s, 49er gear was all over the place. Has anybody bought red and gold merchandise in over a decade? When Green Bay and Denver had their brief moments in the spotlight, they garnered a smattering of nationwide support but most of that was pity and none of it was sustained over the years. As for the most dominant team of the 00s, nobody outside of New England cares one iota about the Pats except to hate them.

The only two truly national franchises are the Steelers and Cowboys. The Cowboys call themselves “America’s Team” and while that bit of hyperbole is typical of an arrogant organization, it is also true you’re just as likely to find a Cowboy fan in Bangor, Maine or Butte, Montana as in Dallas, Texas. Likewise, Steeler Nation extends far and wide as is evidenced by the waves of Black and Gold which invade road stadiums in numbers like no other.

So why do I hate them? Why can’t I establish mutual respect and leave it at that? Why does Batman hate the Joker? Why does Superman enjoy punching Lex Luthor in the mouth? Why?

Because we are the same but opposite. One is summer while the other is the winter. One is light while the other is dark. One is good while the other is evil. I think you can figure out which is which.

The Steelers are and have always been a blue collar team which emphasizes gritty nose to the grindstone hard-work. The Cowboys are and have always been prime time flash and dash glitzy Hollywood red carpet superstars. In fact, they’ve had players named Prime Time and Hollywood.

The Steelers have always been about the whole being more than the sum of the parts. To quote the wise Mr. Spock, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.” We’ve never had a situation where one specific player is our whole franchise. We never make one player the centerpiece of an entire team. That’s all Dallas ever does. Theirs is a culture of individualism. They’ll find a great RB or a great LB or a great QB but when that player goes down (as Romo did this year or Terrell Owens did last year), the team immediately falls apart. No wonder their fans wanted Bill Cowher and his belief in the team to come and save them earlier this year.

The Cowboys are owned by an irritating jackass of a man who insists on being the team’s General Manager.  Jerry Jones shameless self-promotion stands in stark contrast to the quiet dignity exuded by one of the most respected owners in all of sports, Dan Rooney. This is no doubt why the Cowboys have experienced over a half dozen coaching changes since 1993 while we’ve had one. Their meddlesome owner is at the root of their Machiavellian “win at all costs” strategy. He will bring in any player, regardless of character or past misdeeds, if he thinks it will help them win. Locker room cancers (T.O), gun-toting maniacs (Tank Johnson), and stripper beating miscreants (Pacman Jones) are all welcome in Big D. The Steelers systematically rid themselves of such players, even if they’re supremely talented, such as in the case of Plaxico Burress, an undeniably superior WR whose pea-brained antics continue to embarrass his team to this day.

Tony Romo knows he has crossed over to the Dark Side. That’s why he recently tried to cleanse his karma by taking a foul-smelling bum to the movies. Sure, this isn’t nearly as impressive as Ben Roethlisberger using Jedi Mind Tricks to talk a crazed gunmen out of bustin’ a cap in his ass but it was nice of him to pay it forward since nobody has been luckier these past few years than ‘ol Tony. Besides, what’s so impressive about sitting next to a homeless pan-handler? He let Britney Spears sit on his lap so obviously he’s not put off by strange odors.

Look, here’s the moral of the story. Sometimes good wins but occasionally evil is triumphant. Like in Super Bowl XXX where coke-snorting Mike Irvin and his band of whoring madmen handed the Steelers their lone Super Bowl defeat when Christian gentlemen/future astroturf salesman Neil O’Donnell was paid off by Jerry Jones threw two badly timed interceptions. They’re still paying for that win as they’ve never won another. Hopefully when Good emerges victorious this week, we’ll set their playoff hopes back enough to add another year to that penance.

Happy Valentine’s Day, or as I call it, “Buy Your Woman Some Shiny Bling Or Suffer The Consequences” Day. Since I’m all about the theme posts, I wanted to do something sort of romance-oriented today. But what? I guess I could talk about my love of the Pittsburgh Steelers, the finest professional football team ever created. Or I could discuss my newfound man-crush on everybody’s favorite scruffy little buddy, Eli Manning, the man who saved us from the great scourge that is the New England Patriots. Or I could discuss the various storybook love affairs in the NFL today; Tony and Jessica, Tom and Giselle, Brady Quinn and Kellen Winslow. Hey everybody saw “American Beauty,” does he not think we know acting all homophobic is as big a sign as showing up at the Manhole for “Ladies’” Night?

Then I found it. I found my post. The saline-enhanced, scantily clad beauties over at Victoria’s Secret have recently named the Steelers head coach, our own Mike Tomlin, the NFL’s Sexiest Coach. I’m sure the voting was close, what with the metrosexual stylings of John Gruden and the always nattily attired Jack Del Rio, but an honor is an honor nonetheless. He’s just lucky Jimmy Johnson bailed out of the NFL years ago as there’s no way Tomlin’s swarthy Omar Eppsness could overcome that magnificent head of silvery helmet hair. I once saw the Fox pregame show in a howling rain storm and literally not a strand moved out of place. Mighty impressive folks.

If you have a minute, do read the article though. It’s a riot, if just for the comments from random females off the street. “He’s handsome, rich and he’s the coach of my favorite football team,” said Laura Bradley of Squirrel Hill. Well, at least she’s upfront about being a gold digger. “He’s no Denzel or anything.” opined Ashley Whitaker of Squirrel Hill, who likely goes home every night to her dipshit boyfriend with bad tribal tattoos and a trucker hat that he wears askew. I hate when people wear their hats askew. Charece Collins of Shadyside is attracted to Tomlin’s youthful energy but adds “it doesn’t hurt that he’s a millionaire.” What the hell? Did they interview every shameless whore in the entire Oakland radius?

I don’t know if I have any female readers, and if I do, I’m pretty sure that last paragraph has run them off, but here’s an idea. How about doing something for us guys this Valentine’s Day? Frilly lingerie? Nah. Edible underwear? Tastes like stale Fruit Roll-Ups. If you really want to make this a Valentine’s Day to remember, might I suggest you dress like this fine young lady right here.

Trust me, we’ll do a whole lot more than pat you on the ass for your efforts. And if you can work in a “Big Ben” reference at some point before we manage to split the uprights, not only will you probably get some overpriced shiny crap from Kay’s but you’ll win the title of “Best Girlfriend/Wife Ever.”