You better watch out.  You better not cry.  Better not pout.  Who cares if we get a fine.  Blitzburgh is comin’ to town…

I thought the drop of semen being collected from a certain bathroom in Georgia was a shoo-in for strangest picture I posted this year.  But it may have been edged out at the last minute by Santa Silverback and his merry men singing Christmas carols.  Seriously.  Click this link if you don’t believe me.  Prepare to have your mind blown.

And your ears, too.

The fact I’m talking about James Harrison performing the most badass version of Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town in history instead of last night’s game should be a clue to those of you busy wrapping gifts or putting the drunken moves on your boss at the office Christmas party that you didn’t miss anything.

The Pittsburgh Steelers laid a 27-3 beat down on the Carolina Panthers in a battle of teams moving in opposite directions.  The final score doesn’t begin to tell you how one-sided this truly was.  Put it this way, I’m as nervous as anybody when it comes to holding leads but when the Steelers went up 10-0 early in the second quarter, I had no doubt the game was over.

The Panthers are terrible.  Absolutely terrible.  The next time I moan about our offensive woes, remind me about this game.  As bad as things are at times, watching Carolina’s comical attempts at offense shows how much worse they really can be.   The Panthers had 119 yards of total offense last night.  I repeat, 119 YARDS FOR AN ENTIRE GAME!

31 of those yards came on their opening drive.  The Steelers D always starts slow until they get a chance to figure out what the other team is trying to do and make the necessary adjustments to thwart it.  In this case, Carolina tried to run (Big Mistake) while mixing in short sissy throws for Jimmy Clausen (Bigger Mistake).  Well, nobody runs on the Steelers so strategy #1 was doomed even though Jonathan Stewart’s 71 yards will cause our yards per game average to go up a little bit.  And Clausen is such a deer-in-the-headlights that once he was asked to face a rush and get the ball down field, strategy #2 headed to where number twos usually end up.

Despite facing a fairly untalented bunch, the Steelers D deserves kudos for a terrific game.  They finished with four sacks, including one by Harrison which didn’t draw a flag.  IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!  When they weren’t sacking the Pickle, they were smacking him around like he was Tiny Tim.  Ike Taylor bottled up Steve Smith to the tune of 3 catches for 17 lousy yards.  Bryant McFadden intercepted a ball Clausen overthrew by about five yards while the special teams forced a fumble on a kick return.  Even when the Carolina offense was gifted great field position thanks to a Steelers miscue, there was almost no danger of them scoring.

In fact, I seriously doubt they could have scored a touchdown even if we were playing with ten men.

Ben Roethlisberger got his security blanket back and put Heath Miller right to work catching 5 balls for 73 yards.  Anybody who doubts Heath’s importance to this offense needs only watch the vast improvement of the passing game over last week.  Once again, they spread the ball all over the field with five receivers making multiple catches.  Rookie Emmanuel Sanders continued to open eyes with several nice catches although his failure to catch a bullet in the end zone cost the team a score.  Mike Wallace only caught four passes but that was good for 104 yards.  The Flash’s highlight reel play came on a five yard slant he took 43 yards for a TD, blowing past four defenders along the way.  Big Ben had a statistically great game (22/32 for 320 yards) but he twice mishandled the ball leading to sloppy turnovers.

Rashard Mendenhall had 18 carries for 65 yards with 35 coming on his first carry of the game.  Three plays later, he was stopped for a 5 yard loss when Jonathan Scott whiffed on a block.  Scott was pulled from the game where first Sean Kugler then Mike Tomlin ripped him a new one.  After throwing his helmet and pitching a fit, Scott eventually went back out there and finished the game without further incident.  He’s still a major weak link.   The refurbished offensive line seems to be improving as pass blockers.  Ben was sacked three times (twice by budding star Charles Johnson) and had his magnificent nose re-broken although two of the sacks were because he ran around for thirty five minutes trying to make a play instead of just getting rid of it.

By rights, this game should have been a 45-3 blowout.  The only reason the score doesn’t reflect the lopsided nature of play was the Steelers continued to misfire in the red zone.  Six trips netted only two touchdowns.  Mendy banged one home while the other score required Big Ben to sneak it in after the line repeatedly failed to get enough push to power in from the 1.  It’s funny, Bruce Arians and Ben have said in recent weeks they think the problems inside the 20 result from being too impatient to score instead of taking what the defense is willing to give you.  Well, sure enough, every time they cracked the red yesterday, they’d start bombing passing in to the end zone.

You do realize identifying the problem is only HALF the battle, right B.A.?

Anyway, a win is a win, especially when that win puts the Steelers exactly where they want to be with one game left to play.  If the Browns were to upset the Ravens, the second seed would be clinched with a week to spare.  Although the chances of that happening are about as high as finding an attractive woman in Cleveland.  So more than likely, we’ll have to play out the string in order to earn our bye which, believe it or not, is probably for the best since teams which coast into the playoffs tend to go out early.

Finally, on a personal note, I would like to thank all my readers, new and old, for riding along with me this year.  I started this blog because I enjoy talking Steelers and, whether we agree or not, I thank each and every one of you who left a comment for taking part in the fun.  I’m off next week for holiday vacation and while I plan on updating my site at least a couple times, I may not have as much content up as you’re used to seeing.  So please bear with me until we get back to normal in 2011.  In the meantime, Happy Holidays and Go Steelers!

Why I'm Glad I Didn't Go To Notre Dame

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, the Pittsburgh Steelers will be blushing when they face the Carolina Panthers.  What?  Know Thy Enemy on Thursday?  Must be an NFL Network special event for those of us in the Steel City and the five other places which get that channel!

Anyway, Panthers owner Jerry Richardson has long admired Dan Rooney and his attempts at molding the Kitty Kats in the Black and Gold’s image go as far back as when they hired our defensive coordinator, Dom Capers, as the franchise’s first head coach.  Current coach John Fox was a secondary coach for both the Steelers and Pitt so you see the pattern continuing to this day.  In fact, if Richardson wasn’t such a cheapskate, I’m pretty sure Bill Cowher would have been more than happy to take over when Fox is shown the door after the season.

This has been a rough season for the first expansion franchise of the modern era to reach the Super Bowl.  The Panthers let some key personnel go after last season, resulting in a 2-12 record and massive rebuilding project for their next coach.  The low point of the Steelers miserable season last year was definitely the Thursday debacle against the Cleveland Browns.  However, this year’s squad seems to have learned their lessons, taking no games for granted and winning the games they should win.

STEELERS DEFENSE vs. PANTHERS OFFENSE

Carolina’s primary offensive weapons are in the running game.  Jonathan Stewart and second year man Mike Goodson make for a potent ground attack.  When the Panthers, currently ranked dead last in total offense, manage any sort of threat, it’s usually due to their running backs.  That’s the good news.

Good because the Steelers continue to put up some historic numbers in run defense.  They’re average per game rose by two yards after last week.  However, the #2 ranked team rose by five which means Blitzburgh’s average is a whopping 26 yards per game less than the next best unit.  Absolutely astounding.

If the Panthers can’t run, and the outlook is hardly positive, the game will be put in the hands of rookie QB Jimmy Clausen.  If the NFL is a quarterback driven league, the Panthers have a Volvo sitting in the garage.  Clausen has 1300 yards to his credit but only 2 touchdown passes against 7 interceptions.  It appears Jimmy won’t figure into Carolina’s future plans as the Andrew Luck Watch seems to be in full effect down in Charlotte.

The Steelers will be playing without Troy Polmalu for the second straight game. Troy has said he’s feeling much better and he very well may be on the field for the season finale against Cleveland.  I don’t believe in taking any opponent lightly but I have to agree with the idea of resting him for another week.  The defense didn’t play terribly against the Jets, they just didn’t get that one big play Troy always seems to provide.

If Ike Taylor can’t keep a lid on Steve Smith while guys like James Harrison or Lawrence Timmons make a couple plays against Clausen and that inept offense, they’re not as good as we think they are.

STEELERS OFFENSE vs. PANTHERS DEFENSE

Emotional leader Jon Beason has moved from MLB to OLB to replace Thomas Davis as Penn Stater Dan Conner went to the middle until he was lost for the season.  The Panthers lost even more pass rush when they allowed Julius Peppers to escape to the Bears during the off-season.  Although his replacement, fourth year pro Charles Johnson, has registered 9.5 sacks.  Despite Johnson’s solid play, the team is still in the bottom third of the league in total sacks.

Last week, our much maligned offensive line kept Ben relatively clean in the face of the Jets hellacious blitz packages.  There may be another change as Trai Essex is rumored to be taking over at LT for human pylon Jonathan Scott.  Scott was the bozo whose blocking “technique” of falling flat on his face led to the crucial safety late in the game.  He’s been various shades of awful since taking over for Max Starks so a switch to Essex would be more than justified.

The Panthers actually have a fairly decent defense, 12th overall in total yardage.  If there is a strength, it’s their secondary.  Perhaps their biggest playmaker is safety Charles Godfrey, who has five picks this year.  Corners Richard Marshall and the awesomely named Captain Munnerlyn have three each for what is the eighth best pass defense in the league.  Their weakness is in run defense, where they’ve replaced three of last year’s starting front four leading to a bottom ten standing and over 126 yards per game given up.

Heath Miller has been cleared of all concussion related symptoms so he should be good to go.  I’m sure Ben Roethlisberger will be happy to have his safety blanket back.  Emmanuel Sanders had a bit of a break out game last week so in addition to Hines and Mike Wallace, we should have all hands on deck.  Despite my analysis above, we may need to throw more than the match-up would dictate because Rashard Mendenhall tweaked his shoulder against the Jets which probably explains why Mewelde Moore got that ill-fated draw in the end zone instead of Mendy.

Of course, I prefer my explanation:  Bruce Arians is a dumbass.

The Steelers are pretty much where you want to be this time of year.  Sure, it would be nice to have everything clinched but the Colts have done that how many times with nothing to show for it?  We have our destiny in our hands.  Win out and the second seed and first round bye are ours no matter what anybody else does.  Not much more you could ask for than that.