She’s a klutz.

That is the gist of the defense offered by Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger in the hours immediately after being accused of sexually assaulting a 20-year-old coed in Milledgeville, Georgia.

In a fantastic piece of investigative reporting, KDKA somehow obtained knowledge of the statement Ben gave the police when questioned in the early morning hours after the alleged assault occurred.   This report gives us our first concrete facts about what happened in that Georgia night club.  Unfortunately, it also raises a lot more questions than it answers.   And it also paints a picture of events which, if true, are far more disturbing than any of us could have imagined.

We now know why this case is being termed a “sexual assault” rather than a rape.  Ben admits to being with her in the bathroom of the club where “contact” happened.  And by “contact,” he means some sort of sexual activity ensued.  However, he states the sexual act was not consummated.  Why it didn’t go to completion, we do not know.  But this would explain why this case isn’t being termed a rape.

It’s the old Bill Clinton defense where a man does something of an obviously inappropriate sexual nature yet throws up his hands and claims innocence because penetration never occurred.   But wait, just when you thought Pig Ben couldn’t be any bigger of a douche, things get even worse.

We also learned why the poor victim was rushed to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning.   Evidently, she suffered a significant head injury while in the bathroom with him.   Ben’s explanation for this is “she slipped and fell” thus explaining the bump on her noggin.  This is the the kind of excuse a nine-year-old boy uses when he smacks his brother with a Tonka truck and then his mother demands to know why the kid is crying.  In other words, only a functional retard would use this as an explanation and only a complete moron would believe it.

The bottom line is we are now given a story against which the victim’s allegations can be tested.  If witnesses (at least those not on Ben’s payroll) can confirm she slipped, Ben is vindicated.  If they can’t, he’s in huge trouble.  This would explain the need to interview so many witnesses.   One person who evidently won’t be interviewed is Willie Colon, who was part of Ben’s group that night.   In an obvious attempt to distance himself from the sinking ship that is Ben’s future, Willie’s agent issued an emphatic statement distancing his client from the sexual predator he blocks for.

Another interesting development in the case is the fact the police evidently acquired some sort of DNA evidence off the victim which they hope to match against Big Ben’s little swimmers.  While it now seems to be a fact that sexual activity did occur, the presence and location of DNA found on the victim could prove extremely damning.  When you paint a picture of a petite young coed alone in a bathroom with a hulking imbecile and the end result being her leaving the bathroom in hysterics with a head injury and his sperm on her body, the image of Roethlisberger quickly goes from him being your typical scumbag jock to a whole new level of human filth.

Of course, the Georgia investigators have not had a chance to re-interview Ben or obtain a sample of his DNA because his weasel lawyer is stalling them.  Yep, that’s totally what an innocent man would do.  By the way, Ben’s lawyer, Ed Garland, also took to KDKA to give a propaganda filled interview to the people of Pittsburgh.    Sorry, Ed, us Pittsburghers are too smart to fall for your line of  bullshit as evidenced by the fact our local radio station is claiming that true Steeler fans are uniting almost 100% against Ben. (Fast forward to the five minute mark)

Garland, it should be noted, was the man who represented Pacman Jones when he started a shoot out at a strip club and also was the guy who got Ray Lewis off of murder charges when he and his posse stabbed two people to death outside a night club on the eve of the Super Bowl.   In other words, Garland isn’t the type of lawyer a falsely accused man hires to prove his innocence.

He’s the type of lawyer a guilty man hires to make sure he gets away with it.

Anybody catch the debate last night?   I’m new to the politics but that was the worst debate I’ve ever seen. They should never let Tom Brokaw near another debate ever. “Gentlemen, please recite your stump speech.” Where is Gwen Ifill when you need her?

In case you missed it, I’ll give you a quick recap:  John McCain aka Viagra McManyhouses called his opponent “that one” and said several other bizarre things that reminded me of my dad.  His entire demeanor was similar to that of your crusty old neighbor yelling, “Get off my lawn!”   Barack Obama aka Lightworker Von Hopenchange didn’t say anything earth-shattering but at least he kept his cool and didn’t say anything outright stupid.

Now on to an election Steeler Nation might actually care about.

While we bask in the afterglow of the utter destruction of those Jagoffs from Jacksonville, the rest of the football world has decided to take notice.  Not one, not two, but THREE of our guys are up for awards this week.   Please take a moment to click on the links and stuff the ballot box for our Steelers.  Remember, do it the Republican way, vote early and vote often.   I want a Black and Gold sweep this week or else I’m posting a video of Sally Wiggin pole dancing.

Here are the links:

Mister Woodley aka Mister Woodley for Defensive Player of the Week.

Big Ben aka Quarterbackus Indestructible for Offensive Player of the Week.

Mike Tomlin aka Omarepps Lookaliker for Coach of the Week.

Max Starks aka Loafus Maximus for Overpaid Benchwarmer of the Week.