The Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers 15-6 in a game which redefined the term “ugly.”   Nothing about this contest was pleasant to look at.  The offense was ugly.  The injuries were ugly.  The food they showed was ugly.  The city skyline was ugly.  Even the cheerleaders looked like a bunch of skanks.

Where to even begin with this one?   I don’t mind having my blog overrun by mouth-breathing Philly fans, although I admit I’m surprised that so many know how to read and write (however poorly).   Beside the final score, I have no idea what they feel compelled to brag about.   Their team scored a whopping one touchdown.  If this is the kind of victory you are proud of, well, no wonder why your team has never won anything.

My original idea was to use this recap to illustrate why Steelers RB Willie Parker is superior to overrated Eagles scatback Brian Westbrook.  So much for the best laid plans…   Westbrook went down early in the game with some sort of sprained ankle and never returned.  These sort of soft and gutless players are another reason Philthydelphia is doomed to never win a championship.  Fast Willie did nothing to help my case, however, rushing for 20 yards on 13 carries.   Ouch.

The Steelers D played extremely well yet again.  They had some problems in the first half as even without Westbrook, the Eagles executed their inane dink-and-dunk strategy to perfection.  I said in my preview that Steeler LBs were going to struggle covering their RBs.  I gave our backers too much credit.   They didn’t struggle, they completely failed.  Only a fumble recovery and an interception off a terrible throw by QB Donovan McNabb prevented 14 points being put on the board.  CB Bryant McFadden was the man responsible for both those acquisitions as he had an excellent game in his 2nd career start.  S Troy Polamalu had an incredible pick (his third in three games) later on, thus pretty much establishing he’s back to his old Tasmanian Devil self.  D-coordinator Dick Lebeau made his usual intelligent halftime adjustments causing the Philly offense to sputter in the second half.

Unfortunately, the other Steeler coaches left their brains back in Pittsburgh.  QB Ben Roethlisberger at one point was sacked SIX TIMES on eight consecutive pass attempts.  He went down 8 times in total and was harassed, chased, and/or knocked down at least two dozen more.  Memo to Mike Tomlin:  When your QB is on his back more often than one of the Philly Cheerleaders, that would be the time to make some ADJUSTMENTS.

Perhaps we could’ve tried running the ball.  Parker’s scant 13 carries were spread out randomly over the entire game.  No concentrated effort was made to establish a ground attack.   Worse yet, rookie RB Rashard Mendenhall once again didn’t get any carries.  Why did we draft him if we’re just going to use him on kickoffs?  Nice pick, Tomlin.   Beyond that, we’re carrying three TEs on the roster.   If the Eagles are blitzing every other play (which they seemingly did), bring them out and go into a max protect formation.  The Steelers didn’t do this until late in the 3rd quarter, by which time Ben was beat up and out of synch.  Offensive Coordinator Bruce Arians must’ve watched the Monday Night tape and forgot he coaches the Steelers and not the Cowboys because he kept sending our receivers (specifically Nate Washington, who actually contributed a little something today) on deep patterns, even after it became clear Ben wasn’t getting the time to look down the field.  Instead of cutting off the patterns or going to a three step drop, he just kept dialing up the same idiotic plays leading to the same Wile E. Coyote-esque results.

Needless to say, the play of our offensive linemen was atrocious, surrendering 9 sacks, terrible run blocking, non-existent pass-blocking, and a general lack of competence in every area.  RT Willie Colon allowed so much penetration he should change his name to Colonoscopy.  C Justin Hartwig blew a number of assignments and was treated like a human traffic cone all day.  I gave him a pass last week because Shaun Rodgers is a massive human being but if he needs double-team help every week, he’s useless to us.  RB Mewelde Moore and FB Carey Davis were no help at picking up blitzers, either.   The NFL is a copycat league and if word gets around about that, Ben better get used to waking up Monday morning with grass stains on his ass.

Speaking of Big Ben, the shitty offensive line doesn’t let him completely off the hook.  He was back to his old tricks of holding on to the ball for way too long in a vain and misguided attempt to make something out of nothing.   There is no dishonor in throwing the ball away so as not to get beheaded by an onrushing DT.  Several times he sidestepped the pressure or moved out of the pocket only to look downfield, then take another look, then one more look for good measure, then…get dumped to the turf for a sack.  Somehow, he’s never learned you only get 2-4 seconds to step up and let the ball go before somebody is on top of you.  His magical Flutie-esque escapes often lead to big plays but the opposite result, which we saw yesterday, leads to big losses, fumbles, and eventually a serious injury.

As bad as it is to lose to the Iggles, and believe me, having to read a week’s worth of comments by their mutant fans was painful enough, I’m more upset by the general direction of this team.  Everything clicked against the Texans but, c’mon, they’re the Texans.  Last week, we defeated the hapless 0-3 Browns but there were ominous warning signs such as the pressure Ben was under or the fact we only put up one TD.  This week we played one of the top Defensive Coordinators in the league and everything fell apart.   We’re in an extraordinarily bad division so we don’t have to abandon playoff hopes or anything like that.  However, unless this teams starts coming up with some answers for the questions we knew they were going to have about the offensive line, we’re going to be doomed to ultimate failure.   Ask any Philly sports fan how that feels, they know what it’s like.

Last week, I went a most excellent 3-1 in prognosticating post-season playoff programming. Technically, I should have been 4-0 because I did warn you all to watch out for those sneaky Lightning Bolts. My only question with them was the play of QB Phillip Rivers so had I known that when it came time for one final game-winning drive, the ball would be thrust into the hands of Mighty Billy Volek, I’d have made them my A-1 Super-Duper Bet-the-kids-trust-fund Kryptonite Lock of the Week.

Mad props go out to the surging Giants for knocking off the hated Dallas Cowboys in the other upset of the week. Tony Romo didn’t fumble away the game this time, no doubt because he spent the entire bye week down in Mexico gripping football sized objects, but it was still satisfying to see that over-rated and over-hyped doofus go down in flames. And Jerry Jones standing on the sideline after the game, staring off into space, pondering who he can blame for this, while wearing his “Somebody’s ass is getting fired” face is always priceless.

It’s great to see teams get rewarded for playing the game the right way. The tanking, injury-fearing Colts and Cowboys both got exactly what they deserved for resting their starters the final week of the regular season. Has anybody noticed that of the teams remaining, all four actually played their best players in game 16? The Giants and Pats had a brutal slugfest in the Meadowlands, San Diego kept their starters in long enough to ensure they locked up the #3 seed, and Green Bay was forced to play Bret Favre due to their backup quarterback breaking his leg, plus they weren’t worried as much about stamina since their team is the youngest in the league (seriously, Bob Costas said so and Bob wouldn’t lie).

Anyway, on to this week’s picks:

Packers over New York Football Giants – I like Eli Manning. There. And I only feel slightly dirty for saying that. Look, if you’re like me, you like the underdog. And there is no bigger underdog in the NFL than Eli Manning. Think about what a personal hell his life must be. Okay, he’s an uber-rich, uber-famous professional athlete, perhaps “personal hell” is overstating the case but it ain’t easy being Eli.

He’s grown up in the shadow of a famous father, then he had to contend with the shadow of an even more famous and successful older brother, becomes the #1 overall pick in the entire draft (no pressure there) whereby he’s anointed the guy who’ll bring untold glory to the G-men (and we all know how kind, supportive, and patient New Yorkers are) and then gets thrown under the bus by former teammate Tiki Barber, who said his attempts at leadership were “comical.” A lesser quarterback would be curled up in the fetal position, sucking his thumb, and crying for his baba by now. But Eli is still just a good ‘ol country boy. And as Hank Williams Jr. taught me years before he asked if I was ready for some football, a country boy can survive.

Anyway, yeah, I’m still running with the Pack. Farve is about to be sacked, pitches the ball underhand in desperation, and the play goes for a first down. Sure, he could’ve thrown it normally but then he wouldn’t have given the announcers another reason to suck him off. And that’s really what this post-season is about. Bret Favre’s jock.

Chargers over Patriots – No, you don’t need glasses. No, that Lasik treatment you got with a coupon isn’t backfiring on you (I use coupons for many things, ketchup, toilet paper, antacids… However, eye surgery, not really something I want at a discount). No, what your mother said about watching all those Jenna Jameson movies is not coming true. I am indeed picking the Chargers.

Allow me to paint you a picture, a picture but with words. Last season, San Diego is the #1 seed and a banged-up New England team goes out to the west coast and beats them in devastating last-minute fashion. Then, being the pillars of sportsmanship that they are, they celebrate by dancing on the Chargers logo at mid-field, no doubt to gain even more good will from fans across the league and ensure yet more little girls in Patriots jerseys get booed out of the stadium during Punt, Pass, and Kick competitions.

LaDainian Tomlinson, about the most mild-mannered player around, almost starts a Pier 6 brawl when he sees this, then makes a post-game comment about the Patriots “lacking class, something they probably get from their coach.” These shocking statements directed toward that paragon of virtue and fair play, Bill Belichick, probably still play on his mind. In fact, the whole ugly incident is probably fresh in all their minds and this week, they can have their revenge.

The Patriots have got to be running on empty, both mentally and physically. I’m sure their coaching staff and “fans” will try to concoct some sort of imagined slight or perceived insult (such as not thinking Tom Brady is the Greatest Quarterback In The History Of The Universe because he can complete a bunch of 4 yard passes against a prevent defense) to try and trump up some phony motivation. I’m sorry if I’m not as impressed as the media by a consecutive completions record when most of his passes barely traveled 5 yards in the air. Maybe I sound bitter but if some of us choose to not bask in the glory of Patriots and Tom Brady every single second, then go ahead call me a “hater.” And, for the record, I would’ve booed the little girl, too.

Sometimes, I wish I was born in Detroit. Lion fans don’t realize how good they have it. If they win a few games, you shrug your shoulders and move on. If you have a winning season, they’ve exceeded your wildest dreams. If they somehow make the playoffs, the season is a tremendous success. Hooray for diminished expectations!

Unfortunately, I was born in Pittsburgh. Our outlook is a little bit different than in the Detroits or Clevelands of the world. A winning season is a given. Making the playoffs is no big deal. Anything less than a Super Bowl title is considered total failure. Being a member of Steeler Nation is a lot like being a fan of the New York Yankees, except without the whole obnoxious prick aspect.

Which brings us to the Jacksonville Jaguars and their 31-29 victory over the Steelers on Saturday night. Yeah, I know this is two days late but I needed a good 48 hours of mourning to get my thoughts together, okay? The Steelers are the John McClanes of the NFL. Whether it’s a 1989 conference playoff game where Bubby Freakin’ Brister led us to within an inch of upsetting the heavily-favored Denver Broncos to Super Bowl XXX where Bam Morris ignited a furious comeback against the Dallas Cowboys which only fell short because Neil O’Donnell was paid off by Jerry Jones threw two poorly timed interceptions, the Steelers never go away quietly. We always Die Hard.

Anyway, what’s to say about the game? The scary part is if you read my preview a few entries down, literally EVERYTHING I said needed to be done for the Steelers to win did indeed happen. Yet, we still lost. Boomer Esiason said when we review the game tape, we’re all going to be sick over this loss. I’m with you there, Boom.

In the first meeting, we allowed Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor 225 yards rushing combined. This time we held them to a measly 50. We did indeed force QB David Garrard into throwing the ball to win the game. And, despite the media constantly pimping the guy as some underappreciated gem, we all saw what kind of stunningly mediocre quarterback he really is.

Not to get on a rant here but if you’re quoting quarterback rating or passer rating or pass/interceptions ratios as “proof” of how good a quarterback is, you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. All those stats are totally misleading because you have to take in to account the context in which they’re put up. Garrard’s numbers look good because he’s only asked to throw in certain favorable spots, such as when the running game has already piled up big yardage and the defense must crowd the line to stop them.

We pretty much stymied their offense the whole game. 14 of their 31 points came on a kickoff return and an interception return. That’s half their score, given away by areas other than the defense. The kickoff one is particularly unacceptable as we’ve had 4-6 weeks of training camp, 17 weeks of regular season play, and now a week into the playoffs and we STILL can’t cover kicks? Are you kidding me?

If Ben Roethlisberger hadn’t chosen the first half to play his worst football of the season, the game would’ve been closer much sooner. He did rebound nicely in the second half as Jacksonville couldn’t stop our passing attack. Again, as I noted in my preview, their defense couldn’t handle our wide outs the first time we met, which nobody seemed to notice when I heard them handicapping the game. I don’t mean this to sound like sour grapes but the New England Patriots are really going to blow them out something fierce because if they can’t handle our aerial attack, what are they going to do against the best air show in the league?

But this game will always be a big case of the “What ifs?” What if we had Willie Parker? What if head coach Mike Tomlin had kept kicking extra points instead of chasing 2 point conversions? What if the refs hadn’t hosed us on some really questionable penalty calls (or non-calls, as the case may be)? What if we hadn’t run that stupid quarterback draw play not once but TWICE in crucial situations, which failed both times.  Big Ben is tough to drag down, but he’s nursing a sprained ankle and he’s not exactly Kordell Stewart to begin with.

Well, if it’s and buts were candy and nuts, then every day would be Christmas. And Christmas is over, just like the Steelers’ season. For the past week, I felt smug and vaguely superior reading many of our other fine Fan-Sided Blogs because the vast majority of them are already looking to next year while we still had plans for this one. Unfortunately, now we can join them in off-season misery. As that wise prophet Porky Pig once said, “Th-th-that’s all folks.”

“I taught I taw a puddy cat…”

We did, we did see those puddy cats. Like a month ago, as a matter of fact. And, man, what a hellacious month it has been for our beloved Pittsburgh Steelers. We lost our superstar running back, Willie Parker. We lost our starting left tackle, Marvel Smith. Then, for good measure, we lost his replacement, Max Starks. We even lost to the lowly Baltimore Ravens, who couldn’t beat the even lowlier Miami Dolphins.

As a result, not many people are giving the old Black and Gold a shot this Saturday night when the Jacksonville Jaguars return to Heinz Field for their Wild Card playoff game. The degenerate gamblers have already installed the Jags as 2 point favorites. Most of this love is no doubt because of the 29-22 victory they hold over the Steelers. I already broke down the two teams here so I’m not going to do it again. Instead, I’ll concentrate on what things need to be fixed in order for a better outcome this time.

Yes, the Jags physically mauled us last time. Allowing RB Fred Taylor and Pocket Hercules (Maurice Jones-Drew) to combine for an absurd 224 yards rushing is just plain crazy. The Steelers must, absolutely must, find a way to force the Jags into throwing the ball. Stuff eight guys in the box, run blitz FS Troy Polamalu on every play, go to a Cover-2 if need be but they cannot allow any of these ridiculous rushing totals if they want to win.

If the defense can somehow clamp down on the running backs, they’ll have a very good chance at winning because I don’t believe QB David Garrard can single-handedly win the game for them. He was only 17 of 33 for 197 yards in the first meeting, which aren’t horrible numbers, but you have to factor in 55 of those yards came on one play. That play, a flea-flicker, worked because S Anthony Smith felt he had to help on run support due to their line getting gashed and because he’s an imbecile. Overall, Garrard did not look very good throwing the ball and only butterfingers in the secondary prevented us from having two more interceptions. In fact, when it came down to crunch time, the final game winning drive was put on the running backs’ shoulders, not DG’s arm.

While Garrard is an efficient quarterback, the Jags are careful not to ask him to do too much and avoid putting any pressure on him to win games. This is Garrard’s first playoff game so the pressure is already on. Being forced into a pass happy shootout would be the ideal situation because, as crazy as this sounds, the Steelers have the explosive offense in this game. Jacksonville prefers to play more of a grind-it-out/”three yards and a cloud of dust” type offense and they struggle when they can’t.

Which brings me to the Steelers offense. What people seem to forget about the first Jags game is, yeah, our defense got pushed around like the fat kid at band camp, but what did their D do to us? Willie Parker had 100 yards rushing. QB Ben Roethlisberger had three touchdown passes against no picks. Sure, they had 5 sacks but terrible defenses like the Jets and Browns got multiple sacks against our shaky line so that isn’t anything special. The Steelers were down 22-7 and the Heinz faithless headed for the exits (Where do they think they live? Cleveland? In the ‘Burgh, we stay to the end, losers!) when Big Ben engineered a furious comeback. A comeback Jacksonville was unable to stop. So if nothing else, we know we can score on them as easily as Tony Romo does with well-stacked blonde bimbos.

As strange as this is for me to say, coach Mike Tomlin and offensive coordinator Bruce Arians must totally alter how we approach offense. Instead of using the run to set up the pass, we have to steal a page from the Colts or Patriots book. The Steelers need to come out firing, using the pass to set up the run. For one, any attempt to be a run based team is doomed for failure because our offensive line is even weaker with the newest batch of injuries and RB Najeh Davenport just isn’t good enough to keep the chains moving when they know he’s coming. WR Santanio Holmes finally looked 100% healthy last week, add him to Hines Ward, trusty TE Heath Miller, and our other wide receivers, and you have the makings of a pretty explosive passing attack. Yes, Ben will get sacked but he’ll also make plays and if we can somehow get 10-13 points ahead, then you force Jacksonville out of their comfort zone. The way the Colts beat them twice was they scored early, forced them to throw to catch up, and turned the game into a shootout. We must take Advice From Peyton Manning, at least when it comes to playing the Jags and not in other areas such as wooing vaguely heterosexual country-western singers rather than oddly attractive CW actresses.

They say those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Let’s hope Mike Tomlin is a history buff. Otherwise, it’ll be a long, cold Saturday night in Pittsburgh. And a long, cold offseason for our Pittsburgh Steelers.