With no game this Sunday, I’m forced to write about something else. What do guys think about when they’re not thinking about sports? Food, obviously. Since my recipe for Five Alarm Chili isn’t that interesting, I should probably pick something else. Then I remembered my posts on the Ben Roethlisberger lawsuit always seem popular.

Which makes sense what with the Male Triangle of Interest being made up of food, sports, and women. The only problem is there isn’t anything new to report on the Roethlisberger case. The judge denied a motion to dismiss but all that means is there is the barest minimum of evidence to warrant a hearing. So what else is there to say?

Then I read about an ESPN baseball commentator by the name of Steve Phillips. He was recently fired for having an affair with an underling half his age. We only know about it because the girl went batshit insane stalking him, texting him, writing letters to his wife where she casually mentions the shape of his penis, etc. About a month ago, David Letterman was involved in a similar scandal. Evidently, he was using his production staff as a personal brothel and when somebody found out, they wanted money in exchange for their silence. The Roethlisberger lawsuit is like a combination of those two. In his case, the woman, who was unstable to begin with, went totally crazy after he slept with her and when no satisfaction was to be had, she decided to sue him for money.

What is it with people nowadays? Can’t celebrities take advantage of their fame, wealth, and power for sexual gain? Clearly, something needs to be done. And since I don’t care about those other two assclowns, I just want to help Big Ben. I’m eminently qualified to give relationship advice, having seen Twilight in the theaters twice and read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus cover-to-cover.

So here are five handy tips for Ben (or any other Steeler) when it comes to having sex without a lawsuit.

1) Go for a woman who doesn’t really like you. I don’t mean like she’s a Browns fan or something.  I mean, she’s not all that impressed by you or what you do.  I realize this sort of defeats the purpose because if you weren’t a rich famous athlete, you’d probably have a hard a time getting laid just like every other tall, goofy-looking doofus.  But this criteria is vitally important.  You don’t want a woman with the “I want to be the next Deanna Favre or Brenda Warner and already have the title of my book picked out.” look in her eyes.

2)  Go for the girl who has a career.  A real career, not desk clerk at a hotel.  Preferably who makes more than 50K a year.  Career women are usually pretty busy.  They don’t appreciate when you do things like waste her time or try to establish an emotional connection or talk.

3) She’s got a boyfriend or husband of her own.  I know this sounds terrible but if they already have somebody they’re less likely to want a relationship with you.  These women are more likely to keep the hook-up secret.  Unless of course you’re on their Cheat List (every couple has a list of one or two people that they are permitted to cheat with if ever given the chance.  Mine’s Alyssa Milano), then they can tell their bf/husband who’ll probably think it’s cool.  In any case, they’re just using you for sex.  As long as you don’t have any lame hang-ups like morals or a conscience, that’s a pretty sweet deal.

4) She’s the team bicycle.  As in “everybody gets a ride.”  As in, a groupie.  Obviously, the bonus here is she knows the rules, is okay with them, and has no interest in your life.  A few diseases, maybe, but no interest.  And she likely has a few uses for the Terrible Towel that would make Myron Cope scream “Double Yoi!”

5)  She’s sane.  Do you know why so many guys went to see movies like Fatal Attraction or Basic Instinct?  No, it wasn’t for a three second crotch shot.  It’s because crazy chicks are hot.  Given the choice between safe and sweet or off-the-rails, deep down most guys prefer the latter.

Unfortunately, the level of nuttiness seems proportional to the level of fame.  An ordinary schmuck like myself might date a crazy chick and end up with forty five cuss-filled messages on my voicemail and his car all keyed up.  A famous athlete dates one and they end up shot in the head.

Rest in peace, Steve McNair.

My point here is that even though we, as men, are wired to seek out danger and excitement, you must deny those impulses when it comes to women.  The level of risk doesn’t match the level of reward.  Unless of course a night of passion with the Cowgirl is worth $375,000 to you.

So there you go, Ben.  Print this out, pass it to your teammates, paste it up in the locker room even.  You got yourself in one fine mess, this will help to prevent it ever happening again.  Happy hunting, my man.

How’s that for a headline?

Last Friday, the lawyers for Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger fired their first major salvo in the sexual assault lawsuit pending against their client. They filed a 51 page(!) document with the Reno court in what amounts to the legal equivalent of an all-out blitz. Dick Lebeau couldn’t have drawn it up any better. Click here to read an overview of the not-so-brief brief.

Or, to save you time, I’ll give you the highlights. Ben’s lawyer basically presented his accuser, Andrea McNulty, with one of two options. Option #1 is to undergo psychiatric evaluation in order to determine if she’s sane. Option #2, my favorite, is to drop the lawsuit and write a letter of apology to Roethlisberger.

Does Hallmark even have a “Sorry-I-Slept-With-You-Then-Accused-You-Of-Rape” card? I’m sure it’d be a big seller over at Penn State.

Elsewhere in the statement, Ben’s lawyers describe McNulty with affectionate terms such as “self-proclaimed sex addict,” “disturbed and unprincipled,” and “legally incompetent to proceed.” Ouch. And then there’s the inference that this lawsuit has damaged Ben’s ability to earn outside endorsements, thus a counter-suit may be on the horizon.  What’s he going to sue for, custody of her hideous cowboy hat?

This suit is not only ugly but kind of sad.  Sad that real victims have to endure suspicion because of idiots like McNulty, sad that athletes can’t bang anonymous strangers without being sued, and sad that somebody can hire a weasel lawyer to file any bogus lawsuit they so choose. And I’m getting as sick of writing about this idiotic lawsuit as I’m sure many of you are sick of reading about it. With that in mind, until Andrea McNulty produces some sort of solid tangible substantial PROOF to back up her allegations, I’m done with it. At this point, I’m more concerned about Ben hurting his ankle in practice than a psychotic one night stand looking for a payday.

Ben Roethlisberger channeled his inner Bill Clinton on Thursday afternoon as he addressed the sexual assault charges filed against him earlier this week. Let’s hope the final outcome for the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback is a little more positive than it was for our former president.

A weary and disheveled looking Roethlisberger emphatically denied any wrongdoing in this case. If I were accused of rape, I’m sure I’d have a few sleepless nights but Ben looked like he had just rolled out of bed and splashed water on his face moments before taking the podium.  I have faith in his ability to put his personal life aside and not let it affect his play although I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about him looking like a kid who was just told there is no Santa Claus.

Most distressing had to be his soft and pudgy appearance. I know when I’m depressed I tend to stuff myself full of Cool Ranch Doritos and Hot Pockets, which is fine for your humble blogger, but not so good for an elite NFL quarterback. Head coach Mike Tomlin, who stood at Ben’s side during the press conference, has to be wondering with training camp a week away, who’ll be able to complete their wind sprints first, Ben or Casey Hampton?

That’s Andrea McNulty, the alleged victim of a sexual assault by Ben Roethlisberger last July. I know what you’re probably thinking. A cowboy hat? Really?

Questionable fashion sense aside, the case against the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback gets more and more strange by the day. In the past 48 hours, information has finally emerged which sheds some light on the case against Ben.

The Post-Gazette gives a good accounting of the facts as we currently know them. It also bears mentioning that the Sheriff’s Office in Reno is not currently conducting a criminal investigation and will not do so unless a formal complaint is filed by McNulty. Her ambulance chaser lying weasel attorney is reportedly surprised by the media interest this lawsuit has created. Because I’m sure he took a rape case against a high-profile multimillionaire superstar athlete because he prefers to fly under the radar. I hate lawyers.

As far as the case goes, one question I had in my previous post has been answered. Evidently, the eight other defendants are co-workers and bosses at Harrah’s, where McNulty worked and was allegedly assaulted. She’s evidently claiming some vast conspiracy whereby the president of Harrah’s set her up to be assaulted and then the director of security thought it was great.

Maybe I’m missing something but your boss saying “Make sure Ben has a good time” doesn’t exactly translate into “Allow him to rape you.” And I can believe the security guy said, “most girls would feel lucky to get to have sex with someone like Ben Roethlisberger” although that statement could easily be taken out of context.

The thing I’m having the most trouble with is this idea her weasel lawyer floated that “reporting an assault to hotel security is the same as reporting it to the police.” So hotels in Nevada can put you on trial? They can sentence you to jail? If so, I’ll be sure to commit some petty larceny next time I stay at the Vegas Hard Rock. I wouldn’t mind being locked up there for a month or so.

Then there are the damages. McNulty is suing for $380,000 for lost wages and medical bills, primarily due to her having mental issues following the incident. However, there is a report that her coworkers say she had a mental breakdown over a DIFFERENT incident. Evidently, she had an affair with a married military man and his wife found out. So she created a fake online persona and contacted McNulty to find out about the affair. Well, McNulty fell in love with the fake person and when she found out they were fake, she went batshit nuts. Wasn’t this a plot on Days Of Our Lives?

The Fake Online Lover story was reported by TMZ. If you’re unfamiliar with TMZ, that’s the kind of site which thinks upskirt pictures of Britney’s bald cooch constitute “news.” So take what you read there with a grain of salt. Although tabloid reporting sometimes is useful because they’re willing to dig up the dirt legitimate journalists often don’t dare.  And those same journalists are often happy to report it after the fact.

Regardless, the case against Roethlisberger is filled with inconsistencies and perplexing questions. And we haven’t even touched on what the Commissioner might do as Herr Goodell continues his never-ending quest to keep the NFL clean and pure. I’ll continue to update this story as new facts emerge. In the meantime, we’re two weeks from training camp and our nice quiet offseason looks to be a distant memory.