Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force pretty much sums up my feelings on the participants in this weekend’s big game.

Without the customary playoff berth for the Pittsburgh Steelers, I had no dog in this year’s post season fight.   Still, there were certain outcomes which held my interest.  With Dallas or the Ratbirds, I could root for a humiliating defeat.   With the Jets or Pittsburgh West Arizona, I had a team I could grudgingly support.   If you asked me to pick the worst possible Super Bowl match up, I would’ve been hard pressed to come up with a more wretched combination than the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints.

The Colts are a bland, one-dimensional team led by one of the most cowardly head coaches in history.   It’s bad enough to watch a team piss away a chance at all-time greatness by tanking their last two games in the name of “rest” but did anybody check out the AFC Championship game?   Fourth and goal from the one foot line and they kick a field goal.   Grow some balls, Indy.   Furthermore, does anybody outside the Indianapolis area even give two sacks of monkey poop about them?   Despite being the winningest team of the 00′s, I bet you’ve never once heard the term “Colts Nation.”   You know why?   People don’t care about the Colts.   There are PEYTON MANNING fans but the team itself is nothing more than a one man show.

As for the Saints, when a long suffering fan base is finally rewarded for their decades of misery with a brief taste of playoff glory, I’m usually happy for the underdog.  However, the media has successfully ruined all that by repeatedly trotting out the tired THE SAINTS ARE MORE THAN A FOOTBALL TEAM!  THEY’RE A BEACON OF HOPE FOR THE ENTIRE CITY! crap.  First of all, if the Saints were so beloved by the people of that city then explain the following banner:

The Saints entered the NFL in 1967.   I repeat, 1967.  If the team is such a dear and precious local resource for the people of New Orleans, then why did it take them FORTY FREAKIN’ YEARS to sell out their season tickets?  Here in Pittsburgh the waiting list to purchase season tickets is about forty years.  How am I supposed to be happy for a city full of bandwagon jumpers?   And even more vomit inducing were the fawning announcers when owner Tom Benson accepted his NFC Championship trophy.   LOOK AT WHAT THIS GREAT MAN BROUGHT TO THE BIG EASY!   Except four years ago when Hurricane Katrina devastated the city and turned the Superdome into a giant toilet bowl, Benson was running all over San Antonio trying to work out a deal to move the team there permanently.   So you have a fair weather fanbase, a dick owner, and Reggie Bush dating that girl with the big ass.   Why root for them?

Oh, there is one other thing.   For those undergoing Steeler withdrawal, you will have a chance to see a few of your heroes on Super Bowl Sunday.   Hines Ward and LaMarr Woodley will be taking part in the Chris Paul PBA Celebrity Bowling Invitational airing at 2:00 (ET) on ESPN.   You can catch a nifty preview video here. It looks like fun and, hey, who doesn’t want to see if Mister Woodley can knock pins like he knocks heads.   At the very least, it should give you enough of a Black and Gold fix to get you through three hours of Cowardly vs. Unworthy later that evening.

Please let the commercials be good.   That’s all I have to look forward to.

Only a little over half way through the 2009 season, the Pittsburgh Steelers face their first truly pivotal contest of the year against the Cincinnati Bengals. When the NFL crafted the schedule, it certainly appears they didn’t expect this to be the year the Orange Empire Strikes Back. Otherwise, I doubt they would’ve blown through both Baltimore games and the season series against the Steelers by such an early date. Nevertheless, that’s where we find ourselves this week, facing the Bengals in a game which may very well decide the AFC’s North Division champion.

In their first meeting, the Steelers held a 20-9 lead in the fourth quarter.  Then came a stunning collapse, mistakes on both sides of the ball contributing to an eventual 23-20 loss. Of course, the Steelers were without the services of Troy Polamalu in that game. Then again, they had the presence of Aaron Smith to help contain the scorching hot Cedric Benson. Not only is Smith not playing this Sunday, but his capable replacement Travis Kirschke is also out.  Let’s hope Nick Eason and Ziggy Hood can keep the resurgent ground game of the Bengals under control or it’s going to be a long afternoon.

For more answers as to what we might expect this week, let’s talk with our old friend Mickey, lead blogger over at WhoDeyFans.

1. Last week, the Bengals whupped up on the Ravens 17-7 to sweep their season series. Where did this Cincy defense come from?

I think you are seeing a great Cincinnati defense for a few reasons. One, the Bengals have had pretty high draft picks for a while now and you are seeing that talent pay off with guys like Rivers, Maualuga, Joseph and Hall. Two, there have been some great free agent pickups that allow depth in the defense like Dhani Jones, Roy Williams and Tank Johnson. Lastly, I think Mike Zimmer is the best coordinator we have had here in a long time.

2. Can we expect to see anything different from your team this time around?

I think you will see more running. Especially to the right. With Smith being out and his backup questionable I think the Bengals overload that side of the line and run behind it. This can accomplish two things. One it brings Troy in and cheating to that side and that allows the receivers the opportunity for single coverage and two it allows Benson to hit the crease or roll outside with blockers in front. I fully expect Benson to break 100yds this weekend.

3. If the season were to end today, give me the team’s MVP.

Has to be Cedric Benson, he has acclimated well to the AFC North style of play and is the second leading rusher in the NFL.

4. Last year, two AFC North teams met in the AFC Championship game.  Do you think history could repeat itself in 2009?

I assume you mean the Bengals and Steelers. That would be awesome. This would mean not only do the Bengals make the playoffs they manage to win a game or two. If this happens, no matter where the game is, I will be in attendance.

5. Give me a prediction.

I am going to go bold here. I predict that Benson has around 140 yds rushing. I also think the Bengals win by more than a touchdown. 28-20

One long week from today, the Pittsburgh Steelers head to the Mile High City to face the Denver Broncos. A little of the luster has been lost from this match-up thanks to yesterday’s manhandling by the Baltimore Ravens which knocked Denver from the ranks of the undefeated. Nothing feels better than being the team that hands another club their first loss of the year. I love being a spoilsport.

When you ask Steeler Nation to name our biggest rivals, few would mention the Broncos. There are the traditional division rivals, like the Browns and Bengals. Then there are the Patriots and Ravens, teams we’ve battled for playoff glory most of this decade. And finally we have the Cowboys, a team we faced for the Super Bowl title on three occasions and the only team which rivals the Black and Gold on the national stage.

Nope, nobody mentions the Broncos. But I’m here to rectify that. Some of you newer fans may not be aware of the history these teams have together. In many ways, it’s been a much more heated competition over the last 25 years than the so-called rivalries we have with the Browns or Bengals.

In 1989, head coach Chuck Noll pulled off a miracle. He lead a thoroughly mediocre squad to the Wild Card game. In those days, there were only 3 division winners, all of whom got byes.  Two Wild Card teams played a game to see who advanced to the final four. The Steelers won an OT thriller against the Houston Oilers when a young Rod Woodson steamrolled a punt returner, forcing a fumble which lead to the game winning FG.

The next week, the Steelers faced the Broncos.  John Elway was in the midst of leading Denver to three Super Bowls in four years (and losing all of them) so the Donkeys were heavy favorites. Merrill Hoge (yes, the ESPN guy) had the game of his life, rushing for 120 yards on only 16 carries.  Bubby Brister showed tremendous grit, playing almost an entire quarter with a concussion so severe his teammates had to literally walk him to the correct sideline. The Steelers were on the verge of a monumental upset until Elway pulled off one of his patented comebacks, throwing the go-ahead TD with 2:30 left. Yes, Chuck Noll almost made the AFC Championship game with Bubby Freakin’ Brister at quarterback. Now you know why he’s considered one of the best coaches ever.

Fast forward nine years later, Bill Cowher is coach and Kordell Stewart is our quarterback. This was when Slash was one of the most feared offensive weapons in the league and one of the most exciting players I’ve ever seen. I will never apologize for my man crush on Slash. Anyway, the Steelers were the #2 seed and welcomed the Broncos to Three Rivers Stadium. Kordell had a 33 yard TD run which sadly was the only positive in his otherwise horrific day. Three INTS and a fumble contributed to a 24-21 Broncos upset. This game will always be remembered because after Slash threw his second stupid pick in the red zone, Denver LB Bill Romanowski visibly slapped his forehead and yelled at Stewart, “Think, man. You gotta think.”

The Steelers finally got a measure of revenge during the miracle run of 2005. The Broncos had plucked QB Jake Plummer from obscurity in Phoenix and he lead them to the best record in the AFC. Pittsburgh was the lowest seed that year, faced with the daunting prospect of playing the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd seeded teams in consecutive weeks. It turned out to be their easiest game of the playoffs, as the Steelers traveled out to Denver and whupped up on the Broncos 34-17. The Black and Gold went on to defeat the Seattle Seahawks for their fifth Lombardi Trophy which set off a torrent of whining from the Pacific Northwest that continues to this day.

So you can see there’s definitely some history between our respective franchises.  If both teams are on a collision course for another epic playoff encounter, next Monday’s game takes on added importance. After all, it may end up determining who has the higher seed and thus, home field advantage.  Prior history aside, that’s something I’m sure we all agree we want on our side come January.

The Pittsburgh Steelers handed the Minnesota Vikings their first defeat of the season with an incredible 27-17 victory. That sentence may seem self-explanatory but it doesn’t even begin to cover what happened. In all my years of watching football, I don’t remember a crazier fifteen minutes of football than what occurred in the fourth quarter. Even for a team which seems to make a habit of the thrilling last second comeback, this one will be remembered by Steeler Nation for a long long time.

Things went well for the Steelers in the early going. Adrian Peterson was held to negative yardage in the first quarter, a first for him. He finished the game with only 69 yards (although he did have another 60 on catches), which is an accomplishment for any defense, let alone one playing without their best run-stopper. They ran right at Travis Kirschke on several occasions and he held his ground, while our linebackers attacked him like a Kit Kat bar at a Jenny Craig meeting.

The first quarter was a punt-fest which the Steelers got the better of thanks to a Mitch Berger impression by the Vikings’ punter. Mike Wallace had a 10 yard catch and then a 13 yard reverse to set the Steelers up at the Vikings thirteen yard line. Ben Roethlisberger, who was a fairly mediocre 14/26 for 175 yards, hit Santonio Holmes for a TD.

Unfortunately, the score was negated by a pass interference penalty against Heath Miller. Evidently, you can interfere with a pass that you not only didn’t catch but was thrown to another receiver 15 yards away. I understand you’re not allowed to run into DBs to prevent them from covering their man. However, it looked to me like the two, yes TWO, DBs Heath ran over bumped into each other first. And there’s still the little fact they were FIFTEEN YARDS AWAY FROM THE PLAY!

The Steelers settled for a FG. After more punts, the Vikings began a methodical drive down the field featuring a 28 yard pass to Percy Harvin and capped by a Peterson blast.  With 1:39 left in the half, the Vikes went to some soft zone type defense and Big Ben methodically picked them apart. A 22 yard pass to super-rookie Wallace (Who deserves a cool nickname. Suggestions please.) was followed up with a 40 yard bomb for a TD. Black and Gold up 10-7 at halftime.

The third quarter saw an exchange of FGs.   The Steelers wasted a great opportunity to score a knockout blow with a first and goal from the Minny 8. Three consecutive pass plays resulted in a near INT, a busted play, and an incompletion. This team leaves the barn door open more often than Matt Spaeth after an all-night bender.

Then came the unbelievable fourth quarter. The Steelers drove downfield, mixing pass and run quite effectively. First down at the Minnesota 9 and it appeared they were finally going to club that baby seal.  A hand-off to Rashard Mendenhall and…and…

…and what the f*#k happened?? I saw what happened but can’t quite believe it. In over two decades of watching football, I’ve never seen a dumber play. Mendenhall launched himself skyward, unfortunately failing to take the ball with him. The Vikes pounced on his horrendous fumble while I literally screamed at my television. Rashard, you see, attempted what looked like perfect goal line dive.  Problem was, he jumped from the SEVEN YARD LINE!! Does he think he’s Michael Jordan!? Who attempts an endzone dive from SEVEN FREAKIN’ YARDS AWAY?!?

Predictably, Brett Favre took this gift and marched the Vikes right down the field. Our secondary fell apart as Troy Polamalu was way out of position several times and they picked on Will.i.am Gay mercilessly all game long. To make matters worse, Kirschke and Lawrence Timmons both left the game with injuries during the drive.  In Timmons’ case, that would come back to haunt the Vikings later, much like the movie Paranormal Activity haunts my dreams on a nightly basis.  A tripping call on Minnesota nullified a TD pass to Sidney Rice, momentarily saving the Steelers from yet another 4th quarter choke.

Still, with a third and 8 from the Steelers 8, it looked like the Vikes would get the tying FG. Then Brett Keisel darted up the middle and swatted the ball out of Favre’s mitts. Mister Woodley rescued the pigskin from the evil clutches of Captain Wrangler and a whole convoy of Steelers escorted him 77 yards the other way for a TD.

To say everybody was excited is like saying Megan Fox kinda looks like a stripper.  Even Dick LeBeau was celebrating!  Steeler nation was excited.  Heinz Field was rocking. I was doing my patented Snoopy Dance of Joy.

Then we kicked off.

Percy Harvin took the ball and without the slightest hesitation streaked the other way for an 88 yard TD. He was barely touched. And I never EVER want to hear how kickers are football players again because Skippy Reed‘s attempt to “tackle” him was laughable. After apologizing to Steeler Nation this week, you’d think he’d at least try to make up by throwing his body at Harvin. Instead he just gave him a dainty little push like he was afraid to break a nail.  Way to go, dipshit.

The Steelers got the ball back and at this point I was just hoping we could somehow run out the clock.  Naturally, Bruce Arians answers my prayers by dialing up a SHOTGUN PASS.  This ends in epic failure as Ben gets the ball stripped and the Steelers are lucky to swat it out of bounds.  Which left Brett Favre with the ball, down 3, with three minutes left. In other words, exactly where we didn’t want to be.

And Favre immediately makes our nightmares come true by leading his team down the field.  The key play here was Purple Jesus SMITING William Gay on a short dump pass before rumbling 30 yards. Minnesota had the ball at the Steelers 19 and at this point I was just hoping for OT. Then Favre floated a screen pass to Chester Taylor who got his fingertips on it enough to deflect it into the waiting hands of Keyaron Fox. Fox was escorted 82 yards for the second thrilling defensive TD in the quarter.

I don’t know what else to say about this one.  We played a legitimate Super Bowl contender and held them to one offensive TD.  We also squandered several chances to put the game away on offense, continuing the disturbing trend of not finishing teams when they have the chance.  On the other hand, our defense playing without three starters had four sacks, a ton of pressures, held the league’s best RB pretty much in check, and scored two TDs.  Sure our secondary isn’t nearly as good as it was last year but this was the first time I felt our defense matched 2008′s level.  And we all know how last year ended.  If the Steelers could figure out how to stop sabotaging their efforts with dumb mistakes on offense and special teams, this team would really be dangerous.

Get ready to experience deja vu this Sunday night when the Pittsburgh Steelers face the San Diego Chargers.  If it feels like we play the Chargers an awful lot, it’s because we do.  In 2005, the teams played a memorable Monday nighter where Ben Roethlisberger was injured on the last drive of the game but the Steelers still managed to win thanks to a Skippy Reed FG with six seconds left.  The 2006 season saw Pittsburgh travel out to San Diego following their bye week and crap the bed to drop their record to 1-3.  Let’s hope history doesn’t repeat itself.   We got a break from the Bolts in 2007 but made up for it in 2008 by playing them twice.  First, there was the infamous 11-10 game that should have been 17-10 if not for some of the most incompetent refereeing in recent history.  Finally, we met in the Divisional round of the playoffs, scoring a decisive 35-24 victory behind a huge game from Fast Willie Parker.

This year, the Chargers roll into Heinz Field with a 2-1 record.  Despite a significant decrease in production from the running game, their offense still ranked in the top third in the league last year. Philip Rivers posted the best passer rating in the NFL and has picked up right where he left off. Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers make for a dangerous WR combo and TE Antonio Gates is still one of the best in the business.  Oft-injured RB LaDainian Thomlinson is showing the effects of having over 3,000 career touches and it’s anybody’s guess whether he’ll be suited up for the game on Sunday.  Fortunately for the Chargers, little Darren Sproules is emerging as a game-breaking weapon.

The Steelers offense will also have a bit of a different look.  FWP has been nursing a Turf Toe injury all week and his status is questionable.  He’ll probably try to go but if the injury hampers him too much, the load will probably fall on the detail-oriented Rashard Mendenhall.  Blocking for whomever carries the ball will be old friend Carey Davis, who was re-signed this week due to every fullback on our roster being out for the season.  I would like to amend my previous post to say when nuclear holocaust strikes, all that will survive are reality show airheads and Carey Davis.   Head coach Mike Tomlin has also indicated Limas “Butterfingers” Sweed will be riding pine in favor of veteran Shaun McDonald.

Defensively, the Chargers aren’t quit as intimidating as they once were.  Their unit really missed Shawne Merriman who went down and out with a knee injury after one game last season. The Chargers dropped from 42 sacks in ’07 to 28 last year and with the reduced pass rush, the secondary suffered tremendously. Merriman has already missed time this season with a groin strain.  See,  I told ya those threesomes were a bad idea.  Last I heard, he’s been practicing and is expected to give it a go this week which really makes a huge difference as far as their defense is concerned.

The Steelers will have no changes on defense, which is either good or bad depending on how you look at it.  Tyrone Carter, James Farrior, and Lawrence Timmons will be the guys most responsible for dealing with Gates over the middle.  If they play like they played last week, we’re in big trouble.  Also, would it be asking too much for what used to be the most dominating defense in the NFL to generate a turnover or two?  The team currently has 2 for the entire season to go along with a grand total of 4 sacks.  Both those numbers have to improve or this is going to be a looooong year.