The Pittsburgh Steelers head into their much-needed bye week with a solid 26-21 victory over the game but over-matched Jacksonville Jaguars.

The score is totally misleading because this game wasn’t nearly as close as it would appear.  Seven of the Jags points were scored on the opening drive when one of the Steelers WRs slipped on the poorly kept Jacksonville turf and QB Ben Roethlisberger did his best Neil O’Donnell impersonation for a quick Pick Six.   In the second quarter, the Steelers moved the ball up and down the field on the Jaguars’ pitiful defense but stumbled in the red zone and had to settle for Skippy Reed field goals instead of TDs.  The Steelers went into halftime up 20-14 when statistically the game was a more vicious beating than the one Unknown White Guy gave that phony Kimbo Slice on Saturday night.  We had 300 total yards of offense to their 50 while we had possession of the ball 22 minutes to their 8.

It bears noting, most of our superior offensive output came with Big Ben once again running the offense by himself in the No Huddle.  In fact, it seemed like the only time the offense sputtered in the first half was when the Steelers came back from time outs with a set play, which would invariably fail.  Obviously, offensive coordinator Bruce Arians is not only completely useless at making adjustments, but his poor play-calling and ridiculously complex schemes actually hinder the team.  Unless we add another Lombardi Trophy to the mantle this season, in which case we’ll probably be able to convince some ineptly run franchise like the Detroit Lions to take him as a head coach, I can’t imagine Arians returning next year.

Anyway, the hot, sticky, swamp-like conditions of that hellhole that is Jacksonville took their toll as coming back from halftime saw both teams sleep-walk through a poorly played and uneventful third quarter.  LT Marvel Smith left the game when the inhuman conditions caused him to cramp up and he was ably replaced by the $7 Million Dollar Man Max Star…   Oh, wait.  That was Trai Essex out there.  Guess Mike Tomlin is determined to make Loafus Maximus the highest paid bench warmer in history.

In the fourth quarter, Jacksonville’s overhyped and overrated QB David Garrard managed to avoid a couple sacks (aided by several missed holding calls on the O-line) and move the ball a little bit before the refs decided they must try even harder to hose the Steelers.   I don’t get why they’re always so determined to help Jacksonville win these games.  Either it’s a pity thing or the Jaguar cheerleaders must share a locker room with the referees.  Anyway, the Steelers had 10 penalties for an unbelievable 129 yards, the worst coming in the final quarter when a 3rd and a mile play was erased on a ridiculous unnecessary roughness call on S Ryan Clark (a poorly thrown Garrard pass sailed behind the receiver who ran upfield directly into Clark) and then there was a horrendous roughing the passer call on LB James Harrison.  With about 5 minutes left, the Jags inexplicably lead 21-20 despite being overwhelmed in every facet of the game.

This brought Big Ben and the offense back out for the climatic drive where he coolly and efficiently led the team down the field, once again shredding the defense like it wasn’t there.  RB Mewelde Moore, the Last Man Standing in the Steeler backfield, ripped off a nice 20 yard scamper, finishing the game with 99 yards rushing.  I hope they remember what a gem they have with this guy when Fast Willie Parker returns because it seemed like the first three weeks they barely used him.   Then Ben made an absolutely incredible play where he was being mugged by three Jacksonville defenders, one of which was dragging him backwards by the jersey, yet he still managed to shot put the ball downfield to Hines Ward for a big 20 yard gain.  Ben Roethlisberger was a warrior out there with his throwing arm hanging limply at his side but still mustering up the ability to drill laser beam-like spirals into tight spaces when needed.  A handful of plays after Big Ben’s heroics, Hines made some of his own with a great toe-dragging catch on an end zone fade route.  Game set match.

On a personal note, I would like to point out in my authoritative preview analysis, I mentioned Jacksonville CB Rashean Mathis was a dangerous ballhawk who should be watched.   And who had the INT return for the touchdown?   Why Mathis of course.  Meanwhile, the “great and clutch” Matt Jones, who some Jaguar fan felt compelled to defend, had 2 catches for a whopping 25 yards.  I realize Jacksonville only has about 25 fans out there but honestly, their fans do deserve a blogger who actually knows a little something about their team.  This is why I love Steeler Nation.  If we had a receiver who was as stunningly mediocre as Matt Jones, we would admit that fact, not try to deny it.

The Baltimore Ravens went down in flames yesterday and now look to be a .500 team at best.   So these early wins are doubly important as it’s looking more and more like 9 or 10 wins will take the division easily.  It was an unnecessarily close call but the Steelers got the job done and move into the bye week at 4-1.  This is good since the meat of the Hardest Schedule in the NFL™ has yet to come. And with a team that is as badly banged up as the Steelers, where literally every position from punter to quarterback to both lines has faced major injury issues so far this year, getting a win and then getting some rest are pretty much exactly what the doctor ordered.

I wanted to be a scientist when I grew up. Don’t ask me to specify which science. I just knew “scientist” sounded like a pretty cool job. Plus, there was always the hope I would some day get accidentally bombarded by gamma radiation. Then came calculus and I quickly realized “scientist” might not be my intended career path after all.

I still admire what they do. When I was at Carnegie Mellon, I was always eager to hear about their advancements in robotics and artificial intelligence. When our evil metallic overlords rise up to enslave us all, you can safely direct a large amount of the blame toward that fine institution. I also enjoyed hearing about how their robotic creations were used to find and explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before…

Of course, some scientists do their exploring the old fashioned way. They use a big ass telescope. Recently, a Dr. Eric Mamajek , clearly a man of high moral character and good taste in an oasis of Massholes, peeked through his big ass telescope and saw something between Mars and Jupiter. They call it a “minor planet” although that sounds like calling something a “minor groin pull.” Ain’t nothing minor about either one.

The International Astronomical Union, an organization which no doubt purchases pocket protectors in bulk, has officially named it 7835 Myroncope.

Yes, Myron Cope has a freakin’ planet named after him. A minor planet, but a planet nonetheless. No word yet on whether they plan to send a space probe over to plant a Terrible Towel in the soil. But they should.

Other football related news:

–Taking a cue from Carlton Haselrig, several Steelers decided to turn mini-camp practices into an MMA event last week. “I don’t know, maybe they’ve been watching Georges Laraque,” said OL Max Starks. No Max, if they’d been watching Laraque, they would’ve stood around watching other people start shit while waiting for the coach to tap them on the shoulder and remind them they’re supposed to be an enforcer.

–The Post-Gazette thinks Marvel Smith is in the same boat as Alan Faneca. I guess they’re doing P.R. work for agents now. Sure, they’re in the same boat. Unless you count the fact Faneca is a five-time Pro Bowler while Smith made it once and Faneca is relatively healthy while Smith is coming off major back surgery which caused him to pretty much miss the entire season last year.

–Franco Harris spoke at Brashear High School. Meanwhile over in Hampton, Ben Roethlisberger visited Wyland Elementary. Luckily for Wyland, their second choice, Roger Clemens, declined their invitation. He already had a date for the weekend.

—Ex-Steeler/Super Bowl Champion Plaxico Burress is holding out for more money. Who didn’t see this one coming? He’s an elite player when he’s not missing every other game over some injury or totally disappearing in the playoffs. Burress did come up man-sized in bringing down the hated Patriots, though, so he’ll always get my respect for that.

–“Raven For Life,” Jonathan Ogden retires. Know what that means? Whichever talentless scrub Baltimore decides to trot out there this season just got a little easier for us to sack.

–The Bengals released both WR Chris Henry and LB Odell Thurman. If Cincinnati continues to remove all the criminals from their roster, they might not have enough players to field a team.

–Bills RB Marshawn Lynch is in trouble over an alleged hit-and-run incident. The Curse of O.J. Simpson, perhaps?

Anybody watch the EliteXC MMA show on CBS last Saturday?

If you’re a proud yinzer like me, you probably spent the night watching the Detroit Red Wings put the kibosh on our beloved Pittsburgh Penguins. Sadly, our quest for Lord Stanley’s Cup was fruitless as they went down to ultimate defeat last night. As an aside, I don’t want to sound like a whiny bitch, otherwise known as a Seahawk fan, but I’ll never understand NHL officiating no matter how many games I watch. However, giving credit where credit is due, Detroit was the better team and a deserving champion. If not for the heroic efforts of The Flower, Marc-Andre Fleury, the Pens would’ve been swept in 4.

Anyway, back to big sweaty tattooed men beating the snot out of each other. I posted that clip because it might be of interest to Steeler Nation. Last Saturday night, on that MMA show, a familiar name fought in an unaired prelim. Anybody remember Carlton Haselrig?

C’mon, people! Haselrig was one of the most gifted offensive linemen we’ve ever had. You think Barry Foster, Bam Morris, and Eric Pegram gained all those yards by themselves? Haselrig served up more pancakes than IHOP. What’s amazing is he never played ONE down of college football. He was an amateur wrestling star at Pitt. While there, he even beat future TNA Champion/WWE Champion/Olympic Hero, Kurt Angle. Three years later, he was in the Pro Bowl.

Unfortunately, Haselrig was a, how to put this nicely, FREAKIN’ NUTCASE. He once locked his keys in his car. Instead of using a coathanger to jimmy the lock, he decided to break the passenger window WITH HIS BARE HAND.

And that wasn’t even his manliest incident ever. He was once arrested for driving his motorcycle. Yep, Big Ben’s two-wheeled hijinks weren’t the first time the Steelers have run afoul of the Chopper Gods. Poor Carlton also had a motorcycle-related incident, although he was wearing his helmet…

BACKWARDS. But he was wearing it because, hey, if you’re going to cruise through McKee’s Rocks completely blind while on top of a 500 cc instrument of death, it’s best to remember safety first. Upon being questioned by the fuzz, he reportedly said he did this because he “wanted to see if he could.” That’s the best reason to do anything, folks.

So it should come as no surprise that Haselrig has decided to move on to manly pursuits which actually pay him money. Namely Mixed Martial Arts.

Sure he’s 42 years old. Sure he just started his new career in April. But this man is a 6 time NCAA wrestling champion. Even Angle admits he would’ve won a Gold medal had he pursued the Olympics. Instead he turned to football and dominated at something he had zero collegiate experience at. So I wouldn’t bet against him. If he puts his mind to it, I truly think he can accomplish anything, athletically-speaking.

UFC President Dana White, are you listening? I hear Brock Lesnar could use an opponent on a future card. Make it so!