A little less than a week from now, the Pittsburgh Steelers will take the field in Jerry Jones $1.3 billion dollar tribute to his small penis ego.   Anytime the Black and Gold reaches the Super Bowl, that’s a good thing.  But to reach the big game the year it’s being hosted by our hated rivals makes it even sweeter.  It’s like throwing the biggest, baddest party on the block then watching as the guy you can’t stand leaves with the hottest girl there.

For those of you rich to afford the $2,500-22,000 price tag tickets are going for, have fun among the Cheeseheads.  Ticket buying trends indicated Green Bay Packers fans initially outbought Steeler Nation by a 2-to-1 margin although the trend has evened out.  I fully expect the crowd to be mixed as the Pack have a national following far superior to the laughably tiny fanbases enjoyed by the Seahawks or Cardinals.  So while the Black and Gold are really “America’s Team,” it won’t be a veritable home game like our previous two Super Bowl appearances.

Giving credit where it’s due, Cowboys Stadium does appear to be a first class facility.  Even sitting way up in peanut heaven like in the above shot, the sightlines seem excellent.  And if they weren’t, you could still watch the action thanks to the giant-ass screen looming like the Death Star a mere ninety feet above the field.  After paying $900 for your parking spot and making your way inside the stadium, you’ll be able to enjoy a vast array of first class amenities such as:

Stripper cages.  Yes, JerryWorld comes fully equipped with everything a discerning football could possibly want.  Cup holders, a full taco bar, and cage dancers.  Make sure you ask the parking attendant to slip you a few singles so you can show the ladies how much you “appreciate” their efforts.  Speaking of which, one thing you won’t see on Super Bowl Sunday are these:

Eyes up  here, perv.  I’m talking about cheerleaders.  Yes, Green Bay and Pittsburgh are two of only six NFL teams without cheerleading squads.  It makes sense the Pack wouldn’t have pom-pom girls since Wisconsin women eat so much cheese you’d never be able to find one who looks good in spandex.   Pittsburgh would have no problem fielding an array of gorgeous blue-eyed blonde haired Polish girls but our women actually watch football here in the ‘Burgh.

One sight you’re guaranteed to see on Sunday is the Terrible Towel. According to Amazon.com, Myron Cope‘s baby is the #2 best seller  in bed and bath products. Huh?  Using the Towel as a bath towel would be sacrilege.  Everybody knows the Terrible Towel is a flag, a fan souvenir, or, occasionally, a mini-skirt.

Speaking of which, have you checked out my Steeler Pride contest?   You have a chance to win some really awesome Black and Gold gear for your cell phone, iPad, or iPod.  Click right here to check out the contest details and how to enter.

Anyway, let’s give a big thanks to Jerry Jones for constructing such a magnificent palace for us to play in.  Enjoy this sight on Sunday, Double J.  Love, Steeler Nation.

On Myron Cope‘s 82nd birthday, the team he loved the most gave him the gift which was undoubtedly at the top of his list.   Hum-Hah!  The Pittsburgh Steelers soundly defeated the New York Jets 24-19, earning a trip to Super Bowl XLV.  Sounds okel dokel to me.

Much like last week, this game was a Jekyll and Hyde affair.  Unlike last week, the Steelers got off to great start by playing one of the most dominant halves of football in playoff history.  The Jets had one yard rushing at halftime.  ONE YARD.  Before Dick LeBeau called off the dogs toward the end of the half, New York was staring at epic futility of less than thirty yards of total offense.

In a fitting tribute to Myron, the Steelers got off to their great start by going Old School.   Pittsburgh’s opening drive lasted fifteen plays and consumed over nine minutes, thanks to the tough running of Rashard Mendenhall.  This was vintage Stillers Football at its finest.   Mendy, who would have 100 yards by halftime, continued pounding the rock on the next three drives, running over and past the big green pylons who barely tried to stop him.

The only thing stopping the Black and Gold juggernaut was a sputtering passing game led by Ben Roethlisberger.  Big Ben’s best contribution came in the form of several key scrambles where he showed the guts and heart missing from sissy-girl cowards like Peyton Manning and Tom Brady.  Ben left a number of plays on the field, particularly underthrowing a wide open Mike Wallace early in the second and overthrowing a wide open Heath Miller on a play where Heath’s spectacular catch was later taken away by the clearly biased officiating crew.  When the game was on the line, Ben made the throws he needed to make but this was far from his best effort.

To be fair, Ben was facing the best secondary in the league.  After throwing only five interceptions all season, he threw two picks yesterday and very easily could have thrown two or three more.  His 55.3 quarterback rating was the second worst of his career, behind only his infamous Super Bowl performance against the Seahawks.  Playing most of the game with his key offensive lineman sitting on the sideline probably didn’t help.

Maurkice Pouncey was injured on the opening drive and spent the rest of the game on crutches.  Without him, the Steelers still managed to run the ball effectively throughout the first half.  The Jets couldn’t run at all while Mark Sanchez would throw five yard checkdowns on third and long.  After Ike Taylor forced a fumble on a corner blitz and William Gay picked it up for a defensive touchdown, the game appeared to be over.   Even going to a loose prevent type defense which allowed the Jets a face-saving last second field goal didn’t set off any warning signals.

Then the second half began and everything was reversed.  The breaks starting going the Jets way, starting with a quick touchdown on their opening drive when Face Me Ike slipped, allowing Santonio Holmes to run all alone in to the end zone.  The Steelers answered with a drive of their own but it ended badly when Ben threw his second pick on a fourth and two.  Offensively, Mendy would rush for only 26 more yards after his dominant first half performance.  Worst of all, Bruce Arians seemingly shut his brain off at halftime because he began dialing up some of the dumbest play calls I’ve seen all season.

THIRD AND TWO AND YOU GO FIVE WIDE EMPTY BACKFIELD?!?!   WTF?!?

The key to the second half was the drive New York began at the end of the third quarter.  LeBeau played a bend-but-don’t-break zone type defense, allowing Sanchez underneath stuff in exchange for time on the clock.  Down by two touchdowns, Gang Green consumed over eight valuable minutes of the fourth quarter driving down to the Steelers 2.  From that point, the Steelers D stood strong on four consecutive plays, finally stonewalling LaDainian Tomlinson on a fourth and goal from the one foot line.

If Steeler Nation started breathing a little easier after that, they should know better.  This team NEVER MAKES ANYTHING EASY.  On the very first play backed up in their own end, the absence of Pouncey finally reared its head when Ben fumbled a poor snap from back up center Doug Legursky.  Ben smartly fell on the ball, sacrificing a safety to save a touchdown.  But the two points and free kick signaled a clear change in momentum for the downtrodden Jets.

Sure enough, the Jets took the ball and drove for a touchdown to make the margin an uncomfortably close five points.  The bad news was a 24 point margin had shrunk faster than Bret Favre in an ice bath.  The good news is all these shenanigans had left only three minutes on the clock.  With three time outs and a two minute warning, Rex Ryan chose to kick off.   And that was Sexy Rexy’s fatal error.

As my granddaddy says, never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!  Or maybe that was The Princess Bride.   Anyway, you never put the ball in Big Ben’s hands when a game is on the line.  He’ll make mistakes, he’ll miss receivers, he’ll get the crap pounded out of him…  But when the pressure is on and you need a play, NOBODY IS CLUTCHER THAN BIG BEN.

After a run netted nothing, Ben hit Heath for 14 yards and a first down.  Two more runs later, the Steelers were staring at a third and long with two minutes left.  Thirty other teams would just run the ball, take time off the clock, then kick and hope your defense can hold for the final ninety seconds.   Not the Steelers.  Not when you have Big Ben.

Ben scrambled to his right, saw rookie Antonio Brown break open, and hit him with a strike for a first down.  I would call it a gutsy call but how much courage do you need when you have the best big game quarterback in the NFL behind center?  Great catch.  Great throw.  Game over.

Just like that, a season that began in turmoil is finishing up in JerryWorld.  But this really isn’t the end but rather a beginning.  The beginning of a two week odyssey which will reaffirm the Steelers position as the greatest franchise in NFL history.  An odyssey which will establish Mike Tomlin as the game’s brightest young head coach and Ben as the game’s greatest big game quarterback.

Here we go…

Late in the 2008 season, the Pittsburgh Steelers played the Tennessee Titans.  A Black and Gold squad exhausted from playing the toughest schedule given any team in the last thirty years was crushed 31-14.   What happened during that game is something which will long live in infamy among Steeler Nation.  Cameras cut to the Tennessee sideline where their running back, Lendale White, proceeded to desecrate the Terrible Towel.

The Titans finished 13-3 that season.  In their very first playoff game, the AFC’s top seed was one-and-done.   Meanwhile, the Steeler would go on to add Lombardi Trophy number six to their mantle.   Last season, the two teams met in the very first game of the year which Pittsburgh won 13-10 in overtime.   While the Steelers would have a disappointing season, the Titans stumbled to a humiliating 0-6 start before rallying late to finish a mediocre 8-8.

But the real story lies in what happened to Romper Stomper White.   In 2008, White was part of a platoon with rookie RB Chris Johnson. In the playoff loss to the Ratbirds, the team was driving late in the first half and about to score the go-ahead touchdown.  White fumbled the ball away and the team never got back on track.   Last season, Johnson emerged as the best running back in football while LenWhale saw his carries shrink from 200 in ’08 to a mere 64.   He was traded to the Seattle Seahawks during the off-season.  Before training camp began, he was released due to an impending four game suspension for failing a drug test.  Despite this,  Denver signed White but in the team’s final preseason game he tore his Achilles Tendon shelving him for the year.

Did Lendale break a mirror?   Open an umbrella indoors?   Walk under a ladder?   No, he did something much more foolish.

He messed with the Terrible Towel.

2000

This marked the Steelers final season in Three Rivers Stadium.

The team began the year with the Kent Graham Experiment.  Graham, a journeyman backup quarterback who spent most of his career with the Giants, was inexplicably signed to a big money free agent deal to replace the struggling Kordell Stewart.  He had a mediocre start as the the Steelers were 0-3 under his leadership until getting injured.   Kordell replaced him and reeled off two straight wins before returning to the bench.   Somehow, the Steelers won the next two games despite Graham completing a grand total of 16 passes.

Stewart was given his job back and finished out the year as starter.   The team went 9-7, ending their streak of three consecutive losing seasons.  Thanks to a decent defense led by Joey Porter and Jason Gildon and 1,350 rushing yards from Jerome Bettis, old Three Rivers went out a winner.

2001

The Steelers welcomed Heinz Field by going 13-3 and hosting the AFC Championship Game.  2001 was Slash’s final shining moment in the Black and Gold.   After almost losing his job the year before, he managed to conjure up the days when he was the most exciting player in the NFL.

When the year was over, Kordell would pass for 3,100 yards, rush for 500, and score 19 total touchdowns.   Hines Ward and Plaxico Burress each had 1,000 yard seasons receiving.  They were aided by the Bus, who would have his final 1,000 yard season, and Chris Fuamatu-Ma’afala, one of the many heir apparents the Steelers tried to find for Bettis.

The Steelers bounced the defending Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens out of the playoffs in the first round.  Thus began a decade long trend of the Steelers torturing the poor Ratbirds in games that actually meant something.  In the Championship game, the Steelers knocked a spunky youngster named Tom Brady out of the game.   Drew Bledsoe came off the bench to toss a TD pass that would eventually be the difference in the game.

2002

The previous year saw WWE owner Vince McMahon think to himself, “Hmmm, I’m great at marketing oiled up meatheads in teeny tiny swimming trunks fake fighting with each other.  I know!  I’ll start a football league!” The XFL was an abject failure and went away after one season.  However, the league MVP, Tommy Maddox, went on to sign with the Steelers.

Maddox was a first round draft pick of the Denver Broncos way back in 1992.  They planned to make him the successor to John Elway.   Except Elway pulled a Favre and refused to retire.   Good for Denver, because he ended up winning two Super Bowls late in his career.  Maddox was considered a washout and was actually selling insurance for a living when Vinnie Mac gave him a call.

Stewart began the season as starter but played terribly.  After losing the first two games and looking bad while squeaking by the Browns in OT, Bill Cowher had seen enough.  He pulled Kordell in favor of Maddox marking the end of Slash’s career in Pittsburgh.  Maddox lead the team to a 10-5-1 record (yes, a tie).

Elsewhere, Bettis was struggling with injuries as his days as the primary back were rapidly coming to an end.   West Virginia product Amos Zereoue stepped in to do a nice job in his absence.  It would be the lone highlight of Zereoue’s NFL career.  Believe it or not, today he’s a chef at a fancy restaurant which bears his name.

The Steelers managed to win the AFC North that year.      In the first round, they played the Cleveland Browns in one of the best playoff games ever.  The Browns were up 24-14 in the fourth quarter and all they had to do was run out the clock.  However, the Browns had an offensive coordinator by the name of Bruce Arians.  Foolishly chucking the ball 40+ times gave the Steelers time to explode for 22 points in pulling off a 36-33 victory.

In the next round, they faced the late Steve McNair and his Tennesee Titans.  This game will forever be known as The Joe Nedney Game.  The teams battled into overtime where Nedney missed a 30 yard field goal but Steelers CB Dewayne Washington brushed up against his calf trying to block it.  Nedney hit the turf, rolling around like he just got decked by Chuck Liddell. The refs threw a flag, giving Nedney a second chance to win the game.

2003

File ’03 under “Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”   The Steelers had a weak running attack with Bettis battling injuries and age while newly anointed starter Zereoue quickly flamed out.  So what did they decide to do?

AIR IT OUT!

This was the year of the Tommy Gun Offense.  The Steelers let Maddox throw early and throw often.  He ended up with 3,500 yards passing but a terrible 18/17 TD-to-INT ratio.   And the team finished a miserable 6-10.

Although there was hope on the horizon in the form of a wild haired human missile out of USC who spent most of the year on special teams because he had trouble figuring out the Steelers’ complicated defense.

2004

The Steelers parlayed the misery of ’03 into a first round draft pick by the name of Ben Roethlisberger.  While everybody was fighting over Eli Manning and Philip Rivers, the Steelers sat back and waited for Big Ben to fall into their laps.  For those wondering where I got the name of my site, there was a great NFL end of season commercial showing two actors playing Steeler fans.  They were watching the draft and after Ben’s name was called one fan asks, “Roethlis…who?“  to which the other answers sarcastically, “Nice pick, Cowher!”

Man, how different does Ben look?

Anyway, Maddox was supposed to play the year while Ben sat and learned.  Unfortunately, he was hurt in the second game of the season, a loss to the Ratbirds.   Ben stepped in and reeled off fifteen straight victories.  Among those wins were back-to-back triumphs over undefeated teams, first ending the Patriots 18 game winning streak then humbling the Iggles.

Ben was supported by a rejuvenated running game.  The Steelers signed their last big name free agent by luring Duce Staley from the Eagles.  Staley had 830 yards on the season while the Bus added another 941 plus 13 TDS.  The Steelers also benefitted by rehiring Dick LeBeau, who had left the team earlier in the decade to become head coach of the Bengals.   With LeBeau as defensive coordinator and the ground game clicking, the Steelers made it to another AFC Championship game where they were defeated by Peepin’ Bill Belichick and his Spycam loving Patriots.

The loss was followed by a pair of good byes.  Burress, an uber-talented headcase, departed via free agency.   The Steelers shed no tears over that development.   Tears did fall when Myron Cope, the voice of Steeler Nation for 35 years, announced his retirement.  There’ll never be another one like you, Cope.

The Tennessee Titans had a terrific season in 2008. They played tough defense and were lead by a grizzled veteran at quarterback. They also featured an exciting tandem of running backs, one a bruising pounder (Smash) and the other a lightning fast breakaway threat (Dash). Ordinarily, the Titans would be the kind of team you want to root for.

If their players weren’t such obnoxious jerks.

Nothing irritates me more than when a player runs their mouth without doing anything to earn that right. I know trash talk is part of the game but at least be able to back it up. If you want to act like a big shot, make some plays to prove you are a big shot. Or, as the Rock used to say, don’t sing it, bring it.

Titans’ RB Lendale White, the Smash of the duo, decided it would be cool to desecrate the Terrible Towel after his team defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers week 16 of last year. It was the last game the exhausted Steelers would lose on their way to a glorious sixth Super Bowl championship. The Titans meanwhile were one and done in the playoffs. And Towel Stomper White contributed to that early exit by fumbling the ball away during a crucial drive before halftime.  The Titans got what they deserved for acting like complete morons.  And White should have learned if you’re going to act like a big shot, play like a big shot.

But instead of sweet Towel Karma shutting his Twinkie-filled mouth, ‘Ol Lendale is at it again. When asked about his act of sacrilege against one of the most sacred symbols in all of football, White had this to say about what to expect during the Titans-Steelers game this Thursday:

“If it happens to be there, I’m gonna stomp all over that.” “If there is a towel in the stands, I will stomp on it. I don’t care who gets mad. . . . If they throw a towel at me, I’m going to kick it and stomp on it.”

Um, has anybody informed this imbecile he’s playing at HEINZ FIELD? Does he not think that maybe, just maybe, there might be a few Towels in the stands? What is the source of this man’s anger toward towels anyway? Was he beaten with a dishrag as a child? Did his family jewels suffer at the hands of a locker room towel snap gone awry? Why do twirly pieces of cloth vex him so?

His disgusting partner in Terrible hate-crime was linebacker Keith Bulluck. Bulluck has made the Pro Bowl exactly once in his career, way back in 2003. He’s another guy who should worry less about talking a big game and instead trying to play one. Yet, somehow this imbecile has managed to get on Twitter and posted the following twat:

It’s PITTSBURGH you idiot!  With an H!  Did you not go to college?!   And what is up with the ‘n?  Is everybody on the Titans a functional illiterate?

Then there was this tweet by linebacker Stephen Tulloch, or as you may know him, “WHO?”

When I type ROFL at that statement, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am literally rolling on the floor laughing. I’m sure this guy nobody ever heard of is going to be a one-man wrecking crew on Thursday. YOU HEAR THAT BRUCE ARIANS?!? STEPHEN TULLOCH IS IN YOUR HEAD, MAN!!

To be fair, Tulloch seems like a decent guy.  And I’m not just saying that because he spelled Pittsburgh correctly.

While I’m on a Twitter jag, let’s take a look at the Dash half of Tennessee’s running back tandem.  Is he also a good guy with the barest minimum level of intelligence?  What do you think?

I was barely able to translate most of his musings because he seems to possess the literacy of a cardboard box. However, I did manage to gather he finds the concept of being homeless quite hilarious. In fact, he makes a joke about it every other post and is even in the process of having t-shirts made. Classy.

Ordinarily, I’d chock it up to the sense of humor of your typical meathead jock but then he went and posted this:

Clicking his link brings you here. Wow, hilarious. Yes, I sometimes get annoyed with the guys down in Oakland who offer to clean your windshield for a nickel but is this really amusing? A quick google confirms Johnson scored a 10 on the Wonderlic.  Although this beat his teammate Vince Young by four points, it is not very impressive when you consider you earn 5 points for correctly spelling your name and the average schmuck off the street should score a 20.

What I’m getting at is since CJ appears to be mildly retarded, I don’t think mocking the homeless is very nice of him.  In fact, he might very well be on public assistance of one sort or another had he not been blessed with legs that move real fast. I know in a league overrun with thugs and criminals (and that’s just the Bengals) being a dick isn’t the worst offense. However, a multimillionaire athlete posting pictures that are all but labeled “HAHA! SUCK IT, POOR PEOPLE!” pretty much tells me he’s a jerk.

Hopefully on Thursday, our beloved Pittsburgh Steelers will win one for the good guys.