Like riding a bike right Peyton? Mandatory Credit: Chris Humphreys-USA TODAY Sports

What We Learned in the NFL Divisional Playoff Weekend:

• Peyton is truly back to his old self
• Harbaugh’s risk on Kaepernick might just pay off
• Atlanta outlasts Seattle for first playoff win for Ryan
• Patriots win, big whoop

Ever have that kind of morning where nothing seems to go right?  Yeah that was me this morning which is why you’re reading my Monday Morning Quarterback much later in the day than you’re accustomed to.  My apologies for the delay.  Anyhow if anyone is wondering what that icky feeling you’ve been feeling since Saturday evening is that is the feeling of getting hosed for the second year in a row in an overtime game in Denver.  I’m not sure when it’s going to go away.  Being a football junkie and apparently a glutton for punishment, this weekend, which is usually one of the best weekends of the year, didn’t disappoint the appetite for football with some nail-biting games.  Being a Steeler fan and having to watch these games knowing the Black & Gold couldn’t get the job done to even get into the post season makes me saltier than a bag of potato chips.  Let’s get on with some cheap shots, shall we?

Going into Saturday afternoon’s game against the Broncos, the Ravens were the biggest “underdog” according to Vegas for the whole weekend.  No one was giving them a shot against Peyton and that stellar Denver defense, especially given the fact that the Broncos had already worked the Ratbirds in the regular season in Baltimore.  Unfortunately, those odds makers in Vegas didn’t account for Champ Bailey blowing his coverage every friggin chance he got.  Also, Peyton is back to his old ways of blowing it in the big games.  I remember vividly watching him blow game after game way way back when he was at Tennessee.  That old Peyton popped up again in the second possession of the second overtime when Peyton made one of those “you just know this is going to get intercepted” throws and sure enough landed in the arms of Ravens CB Corey Graham.

Now I realize that we live in a “Now” society.  Whatever is newest and freshest is the best thing ever and I can get caught up in that just as much as the next person.  However, hearing Joe Flacco’s 70-yard touchdown pass to Jacoby Jones being compared to the “Hail Mary” or “Immaculate Reception” in terms of NFL immortality makes me want to puke.  The name it has been given is even worse.  Brace yourselves; they’re calling it the “Flacco Fling”.  Now after you’re done cleaning up maybe you’ll remember that pass was basically a rainbow Flacco threw up in the hopes someone could catch it and was more the inexplicable inability of Broncos safety Rahim Moore to stay in stride with Jones and jumping at the worst time possible than it was Flacco’s mastery and precision that made that catch possible.  Don’t be fooled into thinking this makes Flacco “elite” now no matter how much his agent rants on Twitter about it.  No one thought Tebow was “elite” for that throw to Thomas last year against the Steelers, besides Skip Bayless of course.  Busted coverage is busted coverage.  While we’re talking about things that will make us sick, let’s all have yet another week of the “Ray Lewis Retirement Tour” shall we?  I just haven’t gotten enough of that yet, gimme some more please!

How in the hell did we end up with a possible Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh Super Bowl ahead of us again?  Seriously?  Mid-season while the 49ers were already leading their division, Jim Harbaugh took the opportunity with Alex Smith going out with a concussion to switch to the kid Colin Kaepernick and he never looked back.  Well, he kind of didn’t officially commit to the switch immediately, with a couple of awkward press conferences, but you get the idea.  His decision to switch to Kaepernick is showing successful as the young QB had a record-breaking performance while beating the reigning MVP Aaron Rodgers and the Packers.  First things first, the Packers defense stinks.  They’ve stunk for years.  Their basic strategy has been to see if Rodgers can outscore the other team.  Not taking away anything from what Kaepernick did with 263 passing yards and 181 rushing yards but he did that against a really, really crappy defense.  Anywhoo while most of the NFL experts are spending the day congratulating Harbaugh for making the switch and sticking to it I just have two observations: 1. they’re in the exact same position they were last season with Alex Smith at quarterback so the switch didn’t exactly pay off yet and 2.  Kaepernick kissed his own bicep following scoring a rushing touchdown and I’d just like to say that I don’t know Kaepernick personally but if that’s not the international sign for being a douchebag, it should be.

Welcome to the gun show. Classic. Mandatory Credit: Cary Edmondson-USA TODAY Sports

The Falcons won their first playoff game under Matt Ryan in more than dramatic fashion.  In what initially looked like a rout, the Falcons saw their 20-0 lead over the Seahawks diminish to a 1 point deficit with 31 seconds left on the clock.  Just when you thought the show Russell Wilson and the Seahawks have been putting on would continue them onto the NFC Championship Matty Ice and the Falcons were getting themselves into field goal range.  Ryan connected a quick 29 yard pass to Harry Douglas and then a 19 yard pass to Tony Gonzalez before Matt Bryant got on the field to kick the game winner.  Naturally, Pete Carroll called a timeout just as Bryant was kicking in his attempt to “ice the kicker” and the kick sailed to the right.  Then when Bryant kicked again for realizes, the kick was good.  Attention NFL head coaches: stop doing that!  No one is going to say after the game, “Gee I don’t understand why they didn’t try to call a timeout and ice the kicker, it almost always works!”  Unfortunately Falcons fans can’t be too confident right now in their chances for the Super Bowl.  Sure they will host the NFC Championship, but they just barely survived the Seahawks and even though they came away with the victory, they did still blow a 20 point lead.

For the finale of the divisional weekend we were all treated to Phil Simms calling the Patriots game.  Aren’t we so lucky?  Not surprising the Patriots easily handled the Texans, who showed more signs of life than in their earlier regular season meeting, but didn’t make nearly enough plays to amount to a competitive game.  So now we’ll have a rematch of last year’s AFC Championship game with the Ratbirds heading to New England in the hopes the kick will be good this time.  Can anyone get ahold of that Bane guy to just blow up the stadium like he did in Batman?  Bring it on Conference Championship Weekend!

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So much for class.

Mike Tomlin used his weekly press conference to talk positively about the Pittsburgh Steelers and their playoff chances.  He spoke highly of overrated quarterback Joe Flacco and even said nice things about obnoxious loudmouth Terrell Suggs.  Hopefully someone other than Jonathan Scott tries to block him this time.  The closest Tomlin came to uncouth trash talk was when he referred to the Ravens as “a very salty group.”

Meanwhile, Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh used his press conference to show why he’s the perfect leader for a gang of thugs.  “I was glad we broke his nose,” Harbaugh commented to reporters yesterday.  To which the Baltimorons in attendance giggled with glee.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to find out the coach who represents the area and the reporters who live there have taken on the low-class behavior typical to that decaying hellhole of a city.

Say what you like about Brian Billick but at least he always kept the fact his team was the dirtest bunch of cheaters in the NFL to himself.  It’s nice to know the Ravens are lead by a man who is not only proud of his team’s goonish behavior, he endorses it.  Newsflash for you, Johnny Boy, what Haloti Ngata did ILLEGAL.  He was fined $15,000 for his disgraceful actions and should have been suspended if not for the NFL’s anti-Steeler bias.

I wonder what would happen to Tomlin if the Ginger Dictator got wind of him encouraging his players to take cheap shots at their opponents?

Then again, this isn’t the first time the Ravens have publicly admitted to their criminal tendencies.  Ray Lewis broke Rashard Mendenhall’s collar bone during a particularly hard-hitting contest back in 2008.  Afterward, he and Suggs talked of “a bounty” being placed on certain Steelers’ heads.  The NFL, under the direction of known Steeler hater Ray Anderson, conducted a sham of an “investigation” before quietly sweeping it under the rug.

Ray Lewis did make a great hit on Rashard.  But then he had to jump up, thump his chest, and point at him so the rest of his defense could see Mendy was laid out.  Typical punk-ass behavior from “God’s Linebacker”, although what else do we expect?  Lewis would be in jail if it weren’t for football and Suggs would probably be his girlfriend.  That way he could put his purty mouth to use for something other than talking trash he seldom backs up and whining when his team loses.

Gotta love the Raven Way as endorsed by their very own leader.  Put bounties on the other team’s players.  Try to kneecap the other team’s star linebacker on an extra point attempt (as Chris Chester tried to do to James Harrison in their last meeting).  And attempt to break the nose of the quarterback who owns you.

Pure class.

With the Pittsburgh Steelers enjoying their hard-earned bye, Steeler Nation can likewise do the same.  This will be the last stress-free weekend for many of us until some time early in February.  It’ll also be the last time many of us shave.  Remember, guys, the playoff beard superstition goes in to full effect as of Monday.  Ladies, I’d invite you to join us but if you grow hair anywhere other than your head, that’s pretty disgusting.

How to pass the time?  Well, you could watch Pitt embarrass our city once again in the Tidy Flush Toilet Bowl.  I’m so glad I went to CMU.  Our offensive line may not be able to run the 49 Rocket Go but they could devise a fuel to make a rocket go in about 49 seconds.  Us non-masochists will probably read a book.  Over the holidays, reader Steve Lowe sent me his debut novella Muscle Memory and I give it my full recommendation.

Imagine if one morning everybody woke up to discover they switched bodies with the last person they screwed.  Tom Cruise would wake up as that guy who pretends to be his assistant, President Obama would wake up as a taxpayer, and Roger Goodell would wake up as James Harrison.  *Shudder*  It wouldn’t really inconvenience West Virginians, though, since most share the same last name with their cousins.

That’s the basic idea behind Muscle Memory.  It’s a “Twilight Zone” meets “X-Files” meets “Tales From the Crypt” type story.  And Terry Bradshaw is the Cryptkeeper!  Not exactly but he does make a pivotal appearance in the story.  And, unlike in Failure to Launch, there’s no danger of seeing his magnificent ass.  This being Steve’s first published work, the writing sometimes varies from extremely good to a little rough.  However, his sharp characterizations and sense of atmosphere remind me of early Stephen King except substituting the New England flavor for something decidedly more Rust Belt.  As somebody who took a ton of creative writing classes but was always too chicken to try getting his work published, I am more than happy to support Steve’s efforts.  If you’d like to support a fellow Steeler fan and read a creepy little yarn to boot, Muscle Memory can be picked up for $9.95 on Amazon.com by clicking here.

Of course, after reading books and/or watching Pitt get blown out, there’s a little matter of four playoff games to watch.  Never hurts to scout the opposition.  Here’s a quick run down of sure-to-be-wrong predictions about this weekend’s games.

New Orleans Saints @ Seattle Seahawks

People are predicting a blow out but I don’t see it.  New Orleans is not that good.  They squeaked by the Steelers on Halloween but that was Ben’s first real tough game of the season and the offense was still very rusty.  Last week, the Bucs went up and down the field on the Saints defense.  Unfortunately, Seattle’s offense isn’t as good as Tampa’s and they don’t have Black Ben Roethlisberger.  My heart wants me to slip into some skinny jeans, paint my fingernails, crank up the Sonic Youth, and predict a Seahags upset.  But my head says Saints will pull it out.

New York Jets @ Indianapolis Colts

The Jets are the only team the Steelers cannot face next week because they’re the 6th seed and New England gets the lowest seed remaining.  People are jumping back on the Colts bandwagon because they managed to win their crappy division after all the other suckass teams shot themselves in the foot like a bunch of Elmer Fudds on speed.  I’m not buying it.  Yeah, the Jets are overrated but Peyton Manning is the ultimate playoff choke-artist.   New York by a field goal after Rex Ryan pumps up kicker Nick Folk with a vigorous foot massage.

Green Bay Packers @ Philadelphia Eagles

I believe Green Bay is the best team in the NFC.  They certainly play the best defense, coached by former Steelers D-coordinator Dom Capers.  Philly’s worship of Michael Vick turned out to be a case of puppy love after he stumbled a bit toward the end of the season.  Does Vick have the leadership to guide a team through the dog days of winter?   I think people betting on the Iggles are barking up the wrong tree.  Thank you, I’ll be here all week.  Try the pot roast.

Baltimore Ravens  @ Kansas City Chiefs

Ah, talk about a Sophie’s Choice.  Our hated enemy against a bunch of cornfed yokels.  The Ravens D are typical bullies, they run their fat mouths a lot but whine and cry when people stand up to them.  And I still maintain Joe Flacco is not an elite quarterback, no matter how much talent surrounds him.  Then you have the fact I simply cannot ever bring myself to pick the Ratbirds even though we’d have no problem beating them in the Divisionals.  So while I’m pulling for the Chiefs, the fact they got slapped around by the Raiders last week doesn’t instill me with much confidence.

Too bad they can’t bring their cheerleaders.

The San Diego Chargers return to the sloppy tundra of Heinz Field in a rematch of a week 11 contest which ended by the improbable score of 11-10.  It actually should have been 17-10 but one of the refs got a call from his bookie wrong thus negating Troy Polamalu‘s last minute TD return of a fumbled lateral.  Let’s hope the NFL assigns a competent crew to the Divisional Playoff game this Sunday.  Last thing we need is a replay of last year’s playoff debacle against Jacksonville where the officials mysteriously missed three blatant holding penalties on the QB scramble which set up the game winning FG.

Regardless of the final score, anybody who thinks the Pittsburgh Steelers have a decided advantage because of their performance in their first meeting didn’t watch the game.  On paper, it looks like a one-sided slaughter.  QB Ben Roethlisberger threw for 308 yards, WR Hines Ward caught 11 balls for 124 yards (plus 6 for 55 by TE Matt Spaeth), and Fast Willie Parker had a rare 100 yard day.  The defense held San Diego to 218 total yards while picking off Philip Rivers twice.

However, the Steelers did not score an offensive touchdown the entire game.  How you may ask?  Penalties killed them.  They were flagged 13 times for an atrocious 115 yards. Several of these negated big plays, particularly the one which cost them a TD bomb to Nate Washington.  They also struggled badly on key short yardage conversions, getting stifled on third and shorts while also failing to punch it in on a big 4th and goal play.

Most importantly, the story of the game was the inclimate weather that day.  Playing in steady flurries on a frozen field, the San Diego defenders played well off the recievers.  They didn’t want to chance slipping and allowing them to run by for a big gain.  If the weathermen can be believed, and I don’t believe anyone not named Kudzma, the weather should be markedly better this weekend.

Without the climate advantage, this game could easily go very differently.  The Chargers showed good coverage against the pass happy Indianapolis Colts so thinking the game will follow the same script is unrealistic.  The Steelers better not fool themselves into thinking the running game will not be a huge factor.  Ignore the mantra of a good ground game always wins in the playoffs at your own peril, Bruce Arians.

Since I’ve already done a highly detailed breakdown of the two teams, I won’t bother to repeat it.  The key changes since then are both Chargers RB Ladainian Thomlinson and the Steelers’ Roethlisberger coming off injuries.   Thomlinson has his groin muscle separated from his pelvis (raise your hand if you just crossed your legs and grimaced) and probably won’t play (he may not even dress).   He’ll be replaced by a midget named Darren Sproles, a burner who Indy had no answer for.  Ben was concussed in the season finale against the hapless Browns.  He was apparently given a green light, although anybody who has been knocked loopy will tell you that the affects can last weeks or months.  If this concussion affects his decision making skills one iota, head coach Mike Tomlin’s season ending gambit will go down as one of the biggest blunders in Pittsburgh sports history.

The Chargers.  The Steelers.  Heinz Field.  The 2008 NFL Playoffs.  One team takes a step forward toward glory while the other has their season end in a hail of frustration and tears.  As the Joker said in the best movie of the year, “And…here…we…go…”