I have nothing against the Post-Gazette. I joke from time to time about them being the unofficial PR Department for the Pittsburgh Steelers but that can be said of every media outlet in this city. Truth is, I read their online site (printed newspapers are so 1992) almost every day because they have access to things, like press conferences and player interviews, us lowly bloggers still aren’t privy to.  Plus, I think there’s room for us both to co-exist; I write from the fan’s point of view, while they approach subjects through the eyes of a trained journalist.

Every once in awhile, I come across a story which is so patently ridiculous, my Smart Ass Meter hits the red.  Being a model of restraint, I usually resist the urge to make fun of it here.  But Holy Llama Dung, Batman, did anybody read this column? It’s a story about the Steelers annual Ladies Night Out and it’s terrible. It’s awful. It deserves my unbridled sarcasm in full. Let’s begin…

For $95, nearly 500 women of all ages and from all walks of life got the chance to eat dinner, ask questions of Steelers, visit the inner sanctum of the locker room and attempt field goals while their images were shown on the scoreboard.

Ninety-five dollars?  500 women were willing to pony up ninety-five dollars for the privilege of touring the Steelers locker room?  I’ve been in locker rooms.  Many times I would’ve paid $95 to LEAVE one.  I have no idea why women would be that eager to get a whiff of the stank left behind by 53 large sweaty men.

And I can’t imagine what this so-called “tour” might entail.  “This locker here with the full-length fold out mirror belongs to Jeff Reed.”  “Over here, you’ll see Santonio Holmes‘ jock strap.  Feel free to pass it around but be careful.  Drop it on your foot and you’ll break a toe.”

In a figurative sense, it was a Cinderella-like outing. But instead of dancing at a ball with a handsome prince, they got to kick a ball and become immersed in football. And a Steelerella never has to worry about glass slippers.

Fun activity for the ladies or auditioning Skippy’s replacement?  YOU DECIDE!

And let us never speak the word “Steelerella” ever again.

Speakers for the evening were rookie defensive lineman Ziggy Hood and backup quarterback Charlie Batch.

So for your ninety five clams, you get to hear from a rookie who’s never started a game and our lowly backup quarterback.  I don’t know for sure but I have a strong hunch Ziggy got handed the job as some sort of rookie hazing ritual.

But there also were questions never asked by the football writers, like this inquiry from Devona Edmond of the North Side.

“Ziggy, do you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes, she’s seated right over there.”

“Do you want another one?”

Translation:

“Hi, I’m Devona Edmond and I’m a shameless whore.”

Being a guy and all, I know Man Code backwards and forwards.  Perhaps one of my female readers can help me out with Woman Code.  Are there any rules or regulations about handling some hootchie hitting on your man right in front of you?

If not, there should be.

Ms. Edmond has the team logo tattooed on her back along with her date of birth — June 2, 1986.

The Hypocycloid turned into Tramp Stamp?  I don’t know if I should be aroused or offended by this sacrilege!

Women love the Steelers for a variety of reasons. Everybody loves a winner. Families get together to watch and talk football. The uniforms and the color scheme make a bold fashion statement.

Um, what?  Are they seriously claiming a portion of the Steelers female fan base exists solely because Black and Gold matches their shoes and purse?

“The Steelers officially don’t have cheerleaders. They don’t need them,” said Robin Thomas of St. Clairsville. “They have a million of them.”

We don’t need a mascot, either.  Yet Steely McBeam sadly exists.  Yes, we do need cheerleaders.  You know why?  Because Pittsburgh’s Polish-Italian-German flavor produces some of the most attractive women in the United States.  And I’m sick of people thinking they all look like this:

Besides, the Steelers did have cheerleaders once upon a time.  In fact, they had the first cheerleading squad in NFL history.

“He said his mother had a problem with us getting married because I wasn’t a Catholic. He didn’t have a problem with that, but he did have a problem with me wearing a Cowboys jersey. Once I took that thing off and converted to being a Steelers fan, things worked out fine. That was over 20 years ago,” Ms. Thomas said.

I have nothing funny to add.  Mostly because the same thing happened to me.  It’s 1994 and I’m a freshman at Carnegie Mellon University.  Sitting across from me in Introductory Statistics was this gorgeous green-eyed blonde, whom I’d later discover was a Colts fan.  We dated for close to two years and her dubious taste in football teams never bothered me because this was Indianapolis before Peyton Manning, when they were just a ragtag bunch of lovable losers.

In the 1995 playoffs (played in January of 1996), Indy came out of nowhere to score two major upsets before facing the Steelers in the AFC Championship game.  Up until this point, I had let this girl meet my parents but kept her away from major family gatherings.  On this occasion, I felt it was time to invite her to watch the game with my entire family, consisting of three uncles, two aunts, my grandma, and my folks.  When she walked in wearing an Indianapolis Colts jersey, I knew it was the beginning of the end.   We broke up six weeks later.

The moral of the story is this:  religious, ethnic, even age differences can be overcome.  But root for different teams and the relationship is doomed.

There were a few of the pink jerseys in the audience, but the overwhelming majority of women prefer to wear black and gold.

STOP BUYING PINK JERSEYS!!!!!   Only ditzy airheads who watch to stare at Heath Miller‘s ass wear pink jerseys.  Real football fans wear real football jerseys!!!

“Being a Steeler fan truly does span generations,” Mrs. Reinhard said. “It’s bred into you.”

There’s a joke there but…   Nah.  Too easy.

Lynn Kelley, originally from Upper St. Clair. She married a man from Sandusky, Ohio, and they had two sons. But when the marriage soured, he wanted the boys to follow the Browns. To rescue them from such a bleak future, she sought the intercession of Ziggy Hood.

This man should have all visitation rights revoked immediately.  Kids need a strong male role model and this guy is clearly a man of questionable character.  I’m not Judge Judy and I’ve never been in Family Court but his subtle brainwashing has to constitute some form of abuse.  Who in their right mind would encourage anybody to follow the Browns?

This Sunday, the Pittsburgh Steelers face their first true test of the season.  We’ve played a few good teams but in the Minnesota Vikings we will be facing our first legitimate Super Bowl contender.  If you wanted a measuring stick as to where this team stands, here is your stick.  By Sunday afternoon, we’ll have have some answers concerning what to expect from the Black and Gold in 2009.

With RB Adrian Peterson rumbling behind one of the best offensive lines in the league, Minnesota has ranked in the top five in rushing the past two seasons.  Their problem has been at quarterback.  You can only hide your QB for so long before top-notch NFL defenses figure out ways to force him to win the game.  Tarvaris Jackson could not win games.   So, this off-season, the Vikes flirted with Brett Favre, wining him, dining him, slipping him roofies until he ended his second third fourth retirement.  Favre can win games, in fact he’s already pulled a couple out this season.  They picked up a little bonus when they drafted hybrid RB/WR Percy Harvin at #22 overall.  He’s been a help to the offense and great returning kicks, where the Steelers had issues last week.  When he’s on his game, he dramatically improves an otherwise middling set of receivers.

The question for the Steelers defense will obviously be stopping Peterson.  Aaron Smith was by far our best run stopper and he’s gone for the year.  If Dick LeBeau can’t figure out some way to put the breaks on Purple Jesus, the game is going to go downhill real fast.  Hopefully, the law firm of Kirschke, Eason & Hood will be up to the task.  In other news, Troy Polamalu has not practiced regularly this week.  Usually not practicing indicates not playing but I can’t imagine Troy missing the biggest game of the year.

On defense, Minnesota’s group has been the stingiest in the league against the run for three straight seasons.  Yes, even stingier than the Steelers.  DTs Kevin and Pat Williams are twin brothers of different mothers.  These two behemoths simply negate any action in the middle while DE Jared Allen causes havoc all over the field.  All three made the Pro Bowl last year.   One Pro Bowler who won’t play Sunday is CB Antoine Winfield.  His injury last week seemed to coincide with the Ravens making a furious comeback so I’m guessing losing him has the same effect on their secondary as losing Troy had on ours.

Which means prepare for Bruce Arians’ Flying Circus to be in high gear this Sunday.  Rashard Mendenhall, who has been officially declared our first string running back, will get enough carries to keep the Vikes honest.  But I have to believe our fortunes in this game will rise and fall on the arm of Ben Roethlisberger.  Look for the NFL’s leading receiver, Hines Ward (yes, a Steeler WR leads the league in yardage) and company to see a lot of pigskin headed their way.

When two evenly matched teams play, little things such as special teams often make the difference.  Baltimore battled all the way back last week only to lose when their inept kicker shanked a game-winning FG attempt.  Despite his ill-fated tussle with the po-lice this past weekend, Jeff Reed will be suiting up for the Steelers.  Skippy and his partner in urinary misadventures TE Matt Spaeth apologized to Steeler Nation for their actions.  If he truly wants to redeem himself, he should do it on the field.  Kicking well that is, not taking a piss.

The Steelers have played to the level of their competition this season.  This week would be a good time to continue that trend since their opponent is actually good for once.  Playing to that level would be a compliment rather than a criticism.   And if the Steelers hope to hand the Vikings their first loss of the season, anything less will not be good enough.

The Tennessee Titans had a terrific season in 2008. They played tough defense and were lead by a grizzled veteran at quarterback. They also featured an exciting tandem of running backs, one a bruising pounder (Smash) and the other a lightning fast breakaway threat (Dash). Ordinarily, the Titans would be the kind of team you want to root for.

If their players weren’t such obnoxious jerks.

Nothing irritates me more than when a player runs their mouth without doing anything to earn that right. I know trash talk is part of the game but at least be able to back it up. If you want to act like a big shot, make some plays to prove you are a big shot. Or, as the Rock used to say, don’t sing it, bring it.

Titans’ RB Lendale White, the Smash of the duo, decided it would be cool to desecrate the Terrible Towel after his team defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers week 16 of last year. It was the last game the exhausted Steelers would lose on their way to a glorious sixth Super Bowl championship. The Titans meanwhile were one and done in the playoffs. And Towel Stomper White contributed to that early exit by fumbling the ball away during a crucial drive before halftime.  The Titans got what they deserved for acting like complete morons.  And White should have learned if you’re going to act like a big shot, play like a big shot.

But instead of sweet Towel Karma shutting his Twinkie-filled mouth, ‘Ol Lendale is at it again. When asked about his act of sacrilege against one of the most sacred symbols in all of football, White had this to say about what to expect during the Titans-Steelers game this Thursday:

“If it happens to be there, I’m gonna stomp all over that.” “If there is a towel in the stands, I will stomp on it. I don’t care who gets mad. . . . If they throw a towel at me, I’m going to kick it and stomp on it.”

Um, has anybody informed this imbecile he’s playing at HEINZ FIELD? Does he not think that maybe, just maybe, there might be a few Towels in the stands? What is the source of this man’s anger toward towels anyway? Was he beaten with a dishrag as a child? Did his family jewels suffer at the hands of a locker room towel snap gone awry? Why do twirly pieces of cloth vex him so?

His disgusting partner in Terrible hate-crime was linebacker Keith Bulluck. Bulluck has made the Pro Bowl exactly once in his career, way back in 2003. He’s another guy who should worry less about talking a big game and instead trying to play one. Yet, somehow this imbecile has managed to get on Twitter and posted the following twat:

It’s PITTSBURGH you idiot!  With an H!  Did you not go to college?!   And what is up with the ‘n?  Is everybody on the Titans a functional illiterate?

Then there was this tweet by linebacker Stephen Tulloch, or as you may know him, “WHO?”

When I type ROFL at that statement, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am literally rolling on the floor laughing. I’m sure this guy nobody ever heard of is going to be a one-man wrecking crew on Thursday. YOU HEAR THAT BRUCE ARIANS?!? STEPHEN TULLOCH IS IN YOUR HEAD, MAN!!

To be fair, Tulloch seems like a decent guy.  And I’m not just saying that because he spelled Pittsburgh correctly.

While I’m on a Twitter jag, let’s take a look at the Dash half of Tennessee’s running back tandem.  Is he also a good guy with the barest minimum level of intelligence?  What do you think?

I was barely able to translate most of his musings because he seems to possess the literacy of a cardboard box. However, I did manage to gather he finds the concept of being homeless quite hilarious. In fact, he makes a joke about it every other post and is even in the process of having t-shirts made. Classy.

Ordinarily, I’d chock it up to the sense of humor of your typical meathead jock but then he went and posted this:

Clicking his link brings you here. Wow, hilarious. Yes, I sometimes get annoyed with the guys down in Oakland who offer to clean your windshield for a nickel but is this really amusing? A quick google confirms Johnson scored a 10 on the Wonderlic.  Although this beat his teammate Vince Young by four points, it is not very impressive when you consider you earn 5 points for correctly spelling your name and the average schmuck off the street should score a 20.

What I’m getting at is since CJ appears to be mildly retarded, I don’t think mocking the homeless is very nice of him.  In fact, he might very well be on public assistance of one sort or another had he not been blessed with legs that move real fast. I know in a league overrun with thugs and criminals (and that’s just the Bengals) being a dick isn’t the worst offense. However, a multimillionaire athlete posting pictures that are all but labeled “HAHA! SUCK IT, POOR PEOPLE!” pretty much tells me he’s a jerk.

Hopefully on Thursday, our beloved Pittsburgh Steelers will win one for the good guys.

I can admit when I’m wrong.

Three months ago, the Pittsburgh Penguins were floundering. They were in danger of missing the playoffs in a league where more than half the teams make the post season. They had terrible coaching, a terrible power play, and terrible goaltending. Things looked bleak at the Igloo and I jumped ship.

Then a miraculous turnaround happened. They made several smart trades, bringing in scoring help and veteran leadership. The got their top goalie back and healthy. And most importantly, they fired their inept idiot of a head coach and replaced him with a smart young guy who allows the team to play to their strengths.

Since Disco Dan Bylsma took the reins, the team has undergone a complete renaissance. They closed out the regular season by surging to the #4 overall seed. In the first round of the playoffs, they put the kibosh on the thuggish Philadelphia Flyers. Then, in a battle for the ages against the Washington Capitals, superstar Sidney Crosby showed everybody that he and not overhyped cheap shot artist Alexander Ovechkin was indisputably the best player on the planet.

Now in order to earn another shot at hoisting Lord Stanley’s Cup, the Pens will face the Carolina Hurricanes. And among the 20,000 screaming rednecks who just discovered they had a hockey team five years ago will be the Hurricane’s biggest fan, Bill Cowher.

I make no secret of my affection for Coach Cowher. Hell, I named my site in his honor. However, his newfound allegiance to Carolina hockey is a bit perplexing. In 15 years coaching the Steelers, I don’t remember seeing him at one Pens or Pirates game. Now all of a sudden he’s a dyed in the wool hick from North Cackalacky when he in fact grew up in Crafton. Meh. If ringing some dorky siren is his idea of retirement fun, more power to him.  Though somebody really should tell him he looks like a jagoff.

I’ll throw my hat in with current coach Mike Tomlin, who has embraced our exciting Pens. Although I won’t lie, it pains me to see a good Yinzer like Cowher root for the enemy.  Let’s just hope when all is said and done, he, too, can admit when he’s wrong.