Nice Pick, Cowher » ocho cinco

A Thin Line Between Love & Hate

chris — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 00:20:55 +0000

I don’t want to like Chad Johnson. But sometimes, I can’t help it.

This year, HBO featured the Cincinnati Bengals on their Hard Knocks series. The show was pretty much mind-numbingly with two exceptions. The first being whenever owner Mike Brown or his equally clueless daughter (who, inexplicably, negotiates contracts) were demonstrating how ineptly they run their franchise. The other was whenever Ochocinco had his weekly spotlight, such as in the clip above. I defy anybody to watch that and tell me he doesn’t come across as one of those rare athletes who is legitimately funny and entertaining like Shaquille O’Neal.

I don’t want to like Chad Johnson. But sometimes, I can’t help it.

Recently, I was offered the chance to review a copy of Chad’s new book, Ochocinco What Life and Football Have Thrown My Way. I agreed because I needed to know if I was losing my mind. I needed to know if the Chad on Hard Knocks was an optical illusion or a figment of my imagination. As a diehard Pittsburgh Steelers fan, I needed my hate back.

The book begins with a highly detailed description of Ocho’s luxurious Florida mansion. Then it began describing all the expensive cars parked in the driveway of this luxurious Florida mansion. Now, I don’t begrudge anybody their success but when you go out of your way to stress exactly how well off you are, it either means you’re extremely shallow or have a small penis. I began to regret my decision to review this book.

After a few pages devoted to his fleet of high-priced automobiles, Chad mentioned the car he has up in Cincy. It happens to be a Dodge Charger painted to look like the General Lee. Of course, it says “General Ochocinco” across the top but let’s give a brother a break. That’s exactly what I would buy if I could run, jump, catch, and do the Riverdance. It’s still really cool. And just like that, I was sucked right back in.

I don’t want to like Chad Johnson. But sometimes, I can’t help it.

The rest of the book is a unique combination of a biography and The World According to Chad. At 272 pages, they easily could have lopped about thirty pages off that total. Chad has a tendency to chew his cabbage not just twice but six or seven times. Some things, such as the rumor he punched a coach during halftime of the 2005 Steelers-Bengals playoff game, must really bother him because he bring it up in order to deny it almost every chapter.

Which brings me to the best part of the book. Even though it’s Chad’s story, he invited others to present their points of view. Some might add that to the category of “padding” but I thought it made for the most interesting reading. For example, another of Ocho’s frequent protests is he doesn’t want to hurt/offend anybody, he just wants to have fun. This is why he’s so proud of his elaborate touchdown celebrations (in fact, he devotes an entire chapter to them), including the one where he put on a “Future Hall of Famer” cape. Well, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis didn’t appreciate that antic one bit and I commend Chad for printing his no punches pulled rebuttal.

Actually, in many ways Lewis is as much the star of this book as his star receiver. You may not have heard but earlier this week, Chad was planning to send a case of mustard to the Steelers. Lewis got wind of it and put the kibosh on his plan, because you don’t step on Superman’s cape and you don’t piss off the Steelers D. Anyway, the book is full of stories similar to that, with Ocho playing the mischievous kid and Marvin channeling Cliff Huxtable Those two should really have their own sitcom.

At this point, I’m sure some of you are wondering why a Steelers fan, perhaps one still not won over by Ochocinco’s personality, would be interested in this book. For one, Chad has a lot of choice criticisms of the Bengals organization (this was written back when he was desperately trying to get traded). Most notable are his comments regarding the decision to fire Dick LeBeau, who was their head coach early in his career. Secondly, Chad shares a lot of observations about the NFL in general, including several Steelers. His spirited defense of the “NFL’s Dirtiest Player” Hines Ward may surprise you. He also has a number of great Joey Porter quotes for those of us who miss seeing Peezy in the Black and Gold.

No mentions of Ike Taylor, though. I guess it makes sense, since yet another of his beaten horses is nobody can cover him (ever) and he’s always open (always). He rationalizes his poor season last year by claiming the Bengals QBs were told not to throw him the ball as punishment for trying to get traded. I guess that’s one way of looking at things but I still would’ve liked to see him explain why Face Me Ike always seems to shut him down. Hey, there’s no shame in being stopped by the Steelers.

Whatever you think about Ochocinco, this book won’t do much to change those feelings one way or the other. Every chapter, you get a brief glimpse of the real Chad, the funny likable personable guy you saw in that video clip. The Chad who had a long hard road to the NFL from humble beginnings raised by his grandmomma in Liberty City, Florida. When you’re raised the same place they set a Grand Theft Auto game, you know you’ve come far. It’s just too bad he feels the need to switch back into the Ochocinco character so frequently.

Still, I can’t help liking Chad Johnson. But I still want him to suck against the Steelers.

Week 12 Recap: Ben Knows How To Score

chris — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 09:28:10 +0000

Congratulations, you’ve won the Pennsylvania lottery. Certainly, sir, we’d love to give you a refund. Sorry for the long wait, please have an extra chalupa on us. Oh my, it’s soooo big.

All things I thought I’d never hear.

“The Steelers offensive line has played an excellent game tonight.” used to be on the list. Miraculously, that one gets crossed off because I actually heard it last night when the Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Cincinnati Bengals 27-10. Granted, it was spoken by Cris Collingsworth, who is so in love with his own voice I bet he talks dirty to himself, but kudos are kudos.

To be fair, the line did perform well in surrendering zero sacks. Okay, the Bengal defense was pretty banged up and sure they don’t have much of a pass rush even when healthy but remember Baby Steps. QB Ben Roethlisberger was afforded a nice pocket on almost every play and the team managed to rush for a total of 121 yards with three different backs. Plus, they managed to avoid getting flagged for the zillion holding penalties which plagued them last week.

The 121 rushing yards were shared by a three man RB-by-committee. Fast Willie Parker started the game and looked awful. The weather, field conditions, or a flare-up of his knee injury really affected his performance to the point Coach Mike Tomlin yanked him from the game for the entire 2^nd half. He had none of the burst he showed last week and would stutter step/hesitate instead of hitting the hole. Subtract one 15 yard scamper and his stat line is an ugly 13 carries for 22 yards.

Luckily, the calvary was on its way in the form of Mewelde Moore. Moore stepped in to provide a capable rushing attack (56 yards) while also being a threat on screen passes (41 yards). I dare say without his valiant efforts, we would have been in deep trouble. Gary Russell also came up big, first on a 35 yard kick return which gave the Steelers field position and then later converting a key 4^th and 1 near the goal line. That call, where Tomlin channeled his Inner Cowher by passing up a chip shot FG for a first down conversion, was the turning point of the game.

Cincy came out guns blazing, even without the services of malcontent WR Chad Bozo Clowno. QB Ryan Fitzpatrick moved the team right down the field, picking on newly signed CB Fernando Bryant. Fernando did not look mah-velous. It’s no mystery why this guy was out of the league as of two weeks ago. He has the speed to keep up with WRs but gets juked and faked all over the place and in the NFL all it takes is leaning the wrong way for a split second for a window to open up. He got burned on a long pass early in the drive and then got toasted in the end zone for a quick 7-0 Bengal lead.

The Steeler offense came out flat as FWP couldn’t get on track and the passing game seemed out of synch. WRs Nate Washington and Hines Ward have had some big games and big catches this year but they’ve also had big problems with dropping easy ones. Drives floundered when both failed to make plays in the first half. The Steelers finally ended their TD drought after 8 quarters in the 2^nd when O-Coordinator Bruce Arians, who seems to have figured out you’re allowed to throw to your TE, decided to try it with Heath Miller. Miller’s 14 yarder after a penalty moved them back and TD catch from 3 yards out were sandwiched around a 36 yard strike to Hines. A Skippy Reed FG later in the quarter and it was déjà vu all over again as the teams went to halftime with the same exact 10-7 score they had in their first game.

When play resumed, the Steelers chewed up some clock (and added another FG) with Mewelde Moore taking advantage of a beat up Bengal defense that lost two more starters as the game progressed. Gary Russell finally rammed the ball in from the 2 for his first TD as a Steeler on a drive that was set up by Double M’s 15 yard run followed by a 22 yard screen pass. Also interesting to note was Carey Davis joined FWP on the pine with blocking FB duties being performed by Sean McHugh. He did a rather good job which is yet another case of backups on this team outperforming the supposed starters.

In the third, Cincy finally got some offense going after the beautiful violence of the Blitzburgh Defense had pretty much stifled them all game. Their drive was aided by P Paul Ernster and his inability to kick anything but wounded ducks. I usually ignore kickers and concentrate on the real football players but I have to say Ernster is quickly becoming an embarrassment. One could argue the poor weather contributed to the lousy punting yesterday (Cincy’s kicker had a rough outing, too) but over two games now Ernster’s average has to be hovering around the 30 yard mark. How sad is it that the punter with the torn hammy kicked better than the punter with two healthy legs?

Anyway, Cincy took advantage of starting at midfield and drove the ball down to the 8. Once there, the Steelers benefited from Bengals Coach Marvin Lewis’s distinct lack of testicles when he kicked a FG on 4^th down. You play to win the game, Marvin.

On the subsequent drive, a heavy dose of Mewelde Moore, a clutch third down play (Ben broke free from a sack and scrambled to find a heads up Limas Sweed), and the game was sealed when Ben broke away from another would-be sacker and darted in for the score. It wasn’t always pretty and there is definitely more than one area that needs to be worked on but as I said in my preview Baby Steps. With the cream puff section of their schedule over, the Steelers look toward games against NE, Dallas, and Tennessee, making now the time to put their best foot forward.

Ocho Cinco Benched For Being Imbecile

chris — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:18:18 +0000

In late breaking news (stolen shamelessly from ESPN’s never-ending crawl of doom), the Bengals have deactivated star wide receiver/flamboyant showman/obnoxious twat Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco for tonight’s tilt against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The story posted on ESPN did not elaborate as to why the World’s Greatest Wide Receiver (who’s caught only 4 touchdowns) was banished to the bench except to say he “violated team rules.”

Speculation runs rampant on the blogosphere as to which rule Chad broke, although there are rumors it has something to do with him repeatedly referring to coach Marvin Lewis as “Jim Fassel.” In the meantime, Ocho Stinko’s place will be taken by Chris Henry. Because in Bengaland, missing a team meeting is so much worse than failed drug tests, DUIs, and beating the snot out of 16 year old kids.

Okay, the punk probably deserved it. But still, only in Cincy would they punish a malcontent by replacing him with a criminal.

Week 12 Preview: Steelers vs. Bengals II

chris — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 11:26:59 +0000

What would we do without Philly? Between their dumbass wide receiver spiking the ball a yard before he reached the end zone, their drug hoarding deadbeat dad of a coach, and their tubby quarterback who can’t run a hurry up offense without puking his guts all over the sideline, that team continues to be the NFL equivalent of an older brother who is fun to invite to parties but sadly still lives in our mother’s basement.

Anyway, in news related to the one team Pennsylvanians can be proud of, it’s the first double-dip of the season for the beloved Pittsburgh Steelers as the hated Cincinnati Bengals come to town for the second half of our annual two game set. Let’s hope it doesn’t end in a tie.

Since I already previewed the two teams, there’s no sense in repeating my brilliant and usually spot-on analysis. Instead, I’ll simply touch on issues relevant to the upcoming game.

Of course, the picture above is in reference to the Bengal’s tie against the Philadelphia Eagles, the first since the Steelers drew with the Dirty Birds back in ’02. I caught a bit of the game and it was less a hard fought battle and more a cripple fight. Philly didn’t seem too eager to win (although in Donavan McNabb’s case, he probably thought he had two or three more OTs to get the job done) while Cincy snatched defeat from the jaws of victory by shanking a 47 yard FG to win the game. Still, the fact the same fearsome Iggles team which handed us our worst loss of the season was battled to a standstill by Cincy should fill us with both fear and shame.

In fact, since we last saw the Bengals, they’ve actually started to play like a professional football team. They got crushed by Houston after losing to us but then went down to Jacksonville and beat the sissies in teal for their first win. Earlier in the year, they took the Giants team with only 1 loss and who beat us up into OT. Despite the fact they’re a punchline to many jokes and this season will probably cost Marvin Lewis his job, they’re nowhere near as pathetic as say Oakland or Detroit.

To be fair, the 38-10 final score in our first game looks like a blowout but the game was a much closer battle than that. The Steelers were nursing a slim 3 point margin at halftime despite the fact Cincy QB Ryan Fitzpatrick was sacked every other play and they didn’t get into positive total yardage until the final drive of the half. Our offense didn’t perform much better until they figured out CB Jonathan Joseph couldn’t cover his mouth on a sneeze and beat him deep with Tiffin Thunder Nate Washington.

It’s a little perplexing how the Bengals have managed to stay in games. Harvard alum Fitzpatrick, frankly, stinks. He’s got the lowest QB Rating in the league (71.3!) and considering the talent this team has at WR, it’s amazing he only has 5 measly TD passes. They’ve all but given up on RB Chris Perry and handed main backfield duties to Bears castoff Cedric Benson. Chad Ocho Cinco has only quatro scoreos and is on pace for only about 500 total receiving yards. T.J. Houshalottaletters is one of the elite WRs in the league but that shouldn’t be enough to keep them competitive. But they have been.

The game will present an interesting match-up for the Steelers as 2/3 of the Three Amigos (Bryant McFadden and Deshea Townshend) will once again be inactive. Manly William Gay and Anthony Madison did a good job against San Diego last week although the weather helped a bit in that the Chargers speed in the vertical passing game was limited on the slippy chewed up field. Fernando Bryant looked shaky but he only had about 3 days of practice so if he does play on Thursday, let’s hope he’s a bit more up to speed. It looks the rest of the Blitzburgh D will be ready to go which is good news for those of us who enjoy seeing James Harrison and LaMarr Woodley chase QBs like a dog chasing a bone.

Offensively, it appears RG Darnell Stapleton will be good to go which means it’ll be the usual gang of idiots manning the OL. Well, LT Marvel Smith is listed as out, too, but at this point I think it’s safe to just give up on him permanently. Fast Willie Parker managed to play an entire game without incurring another injury so we might just have him in the starting line up for two consecutive games. Hooray for modern medical science and/or Oxycontin! FWP will be a big addition because Cincy has a horrible run defense which should allow him to pile up a good amount of yardage.

Despite the Bengals playing gamely in the face of certain doom and the historical fact of them tending to rise to the occasion when they play us, there really is no excuse for us to lose this game. A great offensive performance won’t mean much but it would be a baby step in the right direction. As the Steelers gear up for the final month of the season and, hopefully, a playoff run, bringing that offense along one baby step at a time should be one of the main goals each and every week.

Week 7 Recap: Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

chris — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 16:06:01 +0000

Pop Quiz: How are the Pittsburgh Steelers like a woman’s period?

Answer: When it comes time to show up, it’s always better late than never.

Yesterday’s 38-10 dismantling of the Cincinnati Bengals wasn’t as easy as the score might indicate. If you watched the first quarter, then decided to:

- Watch 45 minutes of “Contact”
- Burn a mix CD for a “friend”
- Go on a Starbucks run
- Watch a quarter of woman’s volleyball on ESPNU
- Play Metal Gear Solid

And came back just in time to see the Human Victory Cigar, QB Byron Leftwich, throw a final TD pass in the 4th quarter, you’d probably think, “Easy win.”

But you’d be wrong. Very very wrong. For you see, something happened between the beginning and end of the game. Somewhere in there the Steelers decided to make things interesting by playing down to the level of their opponents. And that’s why what should have been a merciless smashing at halftime turned into a meager 10-7 advantage.

I couldn’t believe what was unfolding before my eyes. The Steelers went up by 10 in the first quarter while limiting the inept Bungles to 20 yards of total offense. Evidently defensive coordinator Dick Lebeau decided this was an insurmountable lead and put our D into prevent.

Maybe it wasn’t actually prevent but it sure looked like it. All our DBs started playing 10-15 yards off the wide receivers, allowing QB Ryan Fitzpatrick to complete passes at will. The LBs weren’t helping matters either as the most fearsome pass rush in the NFL failed to get anywhere near the Bengal signal caller. On the flip side, QB Ben Roethlisberger and the offense went from moving the ball at will to a complete standstill. I blame Bruce Arians for no other reason than he’s Bruce Arians.

Luckily, the Steelers woke up and realized they were the Steelers by the start of the fourth and the route was on. A three TD avalanche in the final frame accompanied by some stifling defense restored the universe to proper order. The final stats are pretty impressive if you just look at the game on paper. But to Cincy’s credit, they found a way to (once again) hang around much longer than their meager talent had any right letting them.

RB Mewelde Moore has clearly established himself as an absolute gem of a free agent pick-up. He rushed for 120 yards and scored 3 TDs in relief of Pothole Willie Parker. Whatever they’re paying this guy, it’s a steal. Speaking of stealing money, $7 million dollar benchwarmer OT Max Starks got his first action of the season and did a decent job as the line managed to keep Big Ben from getting sacked for the first time this year. Of course, this is more a function of Cincy’s terrible defense than awesome pass blocking but we’ll take what we can get. I did notice RG Darnell Stapleton made several crushing blocks to spring Moore on running plays so the Steelers might have found something there.

When the defense looked good, man did it look good. Blitzburgh finished with 7 sacks, all by our linebackers. James Harrison and LaMarr Woodley had 2 apiece and Lawrence Timmons (starting for the first time this year) chipped in 2 more. I never thought I’d see a better group than the Kevin Greene, Greg Lloyd, Chad Brown, Levon Kirkland foursome back in the early 90’s but these guys might be it. The only bad play was by our CBs but that seemed to be more a result of being told to give the Cincy WRs too much respect. Bryant McFadden was getting dissected by Fitzy on their lone TD. He later left the game with an injury so that might explain how our best CB went down the tubes so quickly. And S Troy Polamalu, doing his part to keep the NFL from becoming a pansy game, left after getting concussed on a devastating helmet-popping collision in the third quarter.

Didn’t matter, however, as by the end of the game the Steelers went into full mop up mode. The hapless Cleveland Browns went down in flames again to the Wash Redfaces (who’ll we will be seeing in a couple weeks) so their one week resurgence lasted exactly one week. Pesky Baltimore defeated the Miami Dolphins Wildcats to hang around in the division but after playing them, does anybody consider them a threat? The next three games see us play the Giants, Colts, and Skins so I guess we’ll get a chance to see exactly how good we are in the coming weeks. So far the Steelers have been flying comfortably under the radar but a few big wins and that’ll all change really fast as the NFL media looks for the Next Big Story.