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The natives are restless in Big D.

After losing three out of their last four games, the Dallas Cowboy players aren’t the only ones pointing fingers and pushing the panic button on their season. Their fans are growing increasing unhappy with the underperformance of a team which featured no less than 11 Pro Bowlers last year. Fair or not, a good deal of their venom is directed toward head coach Wade Phillips. Their collective voices are crying out for one man to save them:

Bill Cowher.

Of course, every team with a head coaching vacancy, and even a few without one, set their sights on Coach Cowher. Two years ago, the Giants stumbled down the stretch but managed to squeak into the playoffs where they got dumped by the Philadelphia Eagles. The next day, the New York Post ran the headline “We Want Bill.” Last year, the hot rumor was Romeo Crennel was on his way out and Cowher was going to be installed as head coach and G.M. of the Cleveland Browns. But they had a surprisingly strong season and Romeo received a contract extension instead, although the way this year is going that might not last.

Everybody wants Bill Cowher. Why shouldn’t they? In 15 years here in Pittsburgh, he only missed the playoffs five times. He’s won 150 games and is in the top five of all time with a 62% win percentage. Not to mention the two Super Bowl appearances and one victory. When retreads who never accomplished anything like Denny Green keep getting shot after shot, it’s pretty obvious why Bill would be the most highly sought after coach in decades.

So I can’t blame Dallas for wanting him. But I can tell them it isn’t going to happen.

Cowher left Pittsburgh for two reasons: burn-out and money. Some people think it’s just the latter but that’s not true. Jerome Bettis called Cowher’s retirement the season before because he had confessed to the Bus that after the Super Bowl he was tired and wanted to spend time with his family. This was before contract extension talks had began with the Steelers so money was not an issue. It did become a problem after the season when it became clear that his desire to be the highest paid coach in the NFL wasn’t going to happen in Pittsburgh.

Dallas owner Jerry Jones only lure to snag Cowher would be money. Big giant piles of it. If getting the fattest paycheck he can is Bill’s only goal then Dallas could very well be in the running. But there is nothing to indicate that is the case. In fact, all evidence points to the opposite.

Prior to the 2007 season, Wayne Huizenga offered Bill Cowher basically the deal he gave Bill Parcells to coach and run the Miami Dolphins organization. Cowher turned him down, ostensibly because he wanted to spend time with his family. Being close to home is important to him, one reason why Washington, Carolina, and Atlanta were the jobs most frequently associated with him. Speaking of Atlanta, that brings us to this offseason. Falcons owner Arthur Blank offered Bill a blank check to take over that troubled franchise. Again, he turned them down. The Redskins also had a coaching vacancy and you better believe Danny Snyder would’ve opened his wallet for Bill if given the opportunity. Obviously if money were the issue, Cowher has had ample chances to, as the kids say, make the chedda.

Which brings us to the main reason why you won’t see The Chin roaming the field in the Lone Star state. Control. Bill Cowher is as headstrong a coach as you’ll find. He’s extremely demanding and extremely controlling. He’s far more Bill Parcells than Wade Phillips and everybody knows Parcells got fed up and left. If you want a caretaker to just make in-game decisions, then Cowher is not your guy.

Director of Player Personnel Tom Donohoe was run out of town because he butted heads with Coach Cowher. In Cowher’s first training camp, Huey Richardson, who had been the 15^th overall pick in the NFL Draft the previous season, demonstrated a total lack of football ability so Cowher cut him. One of the big issues during his last couple seasons was the increased authority of Dan Rooney’s son, Art III, in the organization. Where Dan leaves the team to his coaches, Art III is supposedly more involved which rubbed Bill the wrong way. In his farewell press conference, the heat between them was obvious as he specifically praised working with Dan but ignored Art, who was standing right next to him.

For this reason alone, I can’t possibly see how he’d get along with the Cowboys’ obnoxious overbearing doofus of an owner. If anybody missed HBO’s “Hard Knocks” show this year, I’ll give you a quick synopsis: Jerry Jones evaluating players. Jerry Jones making draft decisions. Jerry Jones at training camp. Jerry Jones meeting with coaches to discuss game plans. Jerry Jones giving his players motivational speeches in the locker room. See the problem yet?

Not to mention, Cowher likes blue collar hard edge football players. He hates prima donnas and crybabies. Before the AFC Championship game where San Diego upset the heavily favored Steelers, a bunch of players planned out a Super Bowl Shuffle type video. When we lost because we took our eye off the ball, Cowher was very upset with the players to the point he ran the ringleader of the video, Brentson Buckner, off the team. Wonder how he’d react to Tony Romo taking his bimbo to Cabo? One reason why they made no effort to retain Plaxico Burress was because Cowher had enough of his big mouth, criminal antics, and tendency to miss games over every broken fingernail. I’m sure he’d love T.O.

If Bill Cowher returns to the NFL, it’ll be in a situation similar to Mike Holmgren in Seattle. Total control over a team without any meddlesome input from an owner. And that will not happen in Dallas. So, sorry Cowboy fans, but NO BILL FOR YOU!

That’s head coach Mike Tomlin basking in the afterglow of his first two picks in the 2008 NFL Draft. Tomlin and Director of Player Personnel Kevin Colbert have every right to be pleased with their work as the general consensus seems to be the Pittsburgh Steelers had themselves one of the finest hauls in this year’s draft. Scanning the interwebz, it appears many of the so-called “experts” graded our picks quite generously.

Jason Cole (Yahoo Sports) – A
Paul Zimmerman (SI.com’s Dr. Z) – Very Good
Larry Weisman (USA Today) – B+
Mel Kiper (Great Hair) – B
NPC (Me) – A

Wait, I gave our draft an A? Didn’t I say in my draft preview post that taking a running back like Jonathan Stewart would be a luxury pick? Didn’t I say a luxury pick is not something we can afford with so many pressing needs? Have I gone mad?

Not really. See, when you evaluate a team’s draft, you have to do so on a sliding scale. The teams picking early almost always have the “best drafts” because they pick the biggest name players. Of course, if those drafts were really the best, or if those big names always panned out, then the Detroits and Atlantas of the world wouldn’t be picking in the top 10 seemingly every year. As John Steinbeck would say, “…the best laid plans of Mice and Matt Millen…”

Mangling of classic English literature aside, I judge a draft by value. As in, what did pass up, what did you get, and what did you give up in getting what you got? By those criteria, the Steelers did a tremendous job this weekend.

Did the draft address our needs? Well, in a word, no. Our biggest needs were OL, WR, DL, and CB in that order. The Steelers only filled one of those four needs (WR). Looking at it that way, you’d think their draft was a total disaster. But this goes back to what I said about value. We passed up guys who’d fill our needs but didn’t have legit first round ability, we got players who are talented enough that most people think they should’ve went 10 to 15 picks sooner than when we got them, and we gave up nothing in order to draft them.

Pittsburgh could’ve gone a similar route as Carolina. The Panthers also needed help on the OL and when there was a run on linemen, they panicked and traded up to get Jeff Otah. As someone who saw him play in a few Pitt games this season, the idea of using one 1st round pick on Otah is questionable. Otah has raw talent and great measurables but he’ll definitely need a lot of coaching and is far from a complete package. Carolina, however, gave up not only several picks to draft him, but next year’s 1st as well. That’s far far too steep a price.

I’m glad the Steelers didn’t play that game. Gosder Cherilus and Sam Baker are nice players but they’re both 2nd round talent. Taking them in the first would’ve been dubious. Trading future draft picks to MOVE UP to take them would’ve been insane. Especially when legitimate first round talent was there to be had.

I don’t believe in drafting specifically to fill needs. That’s how you end up with Troy Edwards instead of Jevon Kearse. I firmly believe you take the best player available. Obviously, all things being equal, you try to fill your needs first but this year, things were not equal. Every offensive lineman of any ability, projected to go in the first OR second round, was gone by the time the Steelers picked at #23. What was sitting there was a running back who many considered the 2nd best back in the entire draft.

It’s a no-brainer.

Of course, like we learned with Huey Richardson, we’ll truly see how smart the Steelers are when these guys actually put on some pads and take the field.

Rejoice, Steeler Nation, our long national nightmare is finally over. Yesterday, the Pittsburgh Steelers came to terms with center Justin Hartwig.

The deal is a reported $4 million dollars for two years, including a $975,000 signing bonus. Once again, our tricky Player Personnel Director, Kevin Colbert, sits back during the early days of free agency, allowing the rotten teams to blow their wads like a virgin on prom night, then swoops in and manages to pick up a quality player at a discount price.

Don’t be fooled by the relative pittance we’re paying him, Hartwig is a fine player who basically became another salary cap casualty. Two years ago, the Carolina Panthers gave Hartwig a five-year/$17 million deal to lure him away from the Titans. They expected him to anchor their line but a nagging groin injury limited him to one start in 2006. Healthy in 2007, he started every game except the season finale. Carolina said he had a knee injury but the smart money says they wanted him to sit so they could take a look at Ryan Kalil as the heir apparent. Evidently they liked what they saw from the kid which made Hartwig, a grand old man of 29, totally expendable.

The entire situation is not unlike what we do here in the ‘Burgh, such as when we cut LB Joey Porter last year because we had a younger cheaper player ready to play. If you have two fairly equal options available, common sense is you go with the newer model. Unless you’re the Raiders, then you pick the old guy because you love veteranosity. But for a team like the Steelers, where our options are either somebody who has never taken an NFL snap at center or the Human Traffic Cone, Sean Mahan, a player the caliber of Hartwig is a huge upgrade.

And make no mistake; Justin Hartwig will be our starting center in 2008.

The Steelers also announced they resigned restricted free agents Chris Kemoeatu and Trai Essex. This pretty much completes our restructuring of the offensive line for next season. Colbert will almost certainly draft an OLineman with our first round pick but now he won’t be expected to start until 2009. Mahan, who to be fair is a natural guard, will compete with the Samoan Bulldozer (Kemoeatu) for the spot vacated by LG Alan Faneca. If he fails, there will be temptation to cut him considering at about $3.3 million/year, he’s being overpaid by about $3 million. However, our depth is pretty weak and he can back-up both G and C so he might be worth keeping around. Mister Transition, Max Starks, looks to be our starting LT, thus bringing our grand total to three new starters on the line this coming season.

Hopefully these changes will cut down our ridiculously high sack totals from last year where Ben Roethlisberger had about a 50-50 chance of ending up on his magnificiently sculpted ass on any given play. Considering we just paid Ben the approximate gross national product of Latvia to be our quarterback for the next decade, I’m sure keeping him healthy and upright is something of interest to the Steelers. With these strategically considered off-season moves, I feel much better that they succeeded in their goal. Let’s face it, True Believers, things really have nowhere to go but up.

Hope everybody had a nice Thanksgiving. Our yearly gathering to feast on the finest genetically mutated bird meat money can buy was the usual well-attended affair. I come from a big family (in both number and poundage) with greatly varied tastes so we’ve found it best to cover all the bases in one fowl swoop. Thank you, John Madden, for cluing us in to this wonder of modern science. If it wasn’t for your constant pimping of the turducken on Thanksgiving football, I can only imagine the yearly chaos we’d have at the dinner table. Well, now that our appetite for bird has been satisfied, let’s turn to our appetite for pigskin in this super-special abbreviated edition of the Highway To Ham Turducken.

Saints over Panthers – Cheer up, Panther fans, only 30 shopping days left until Christmas. All these pathetic performances will ensure you find a Bill Cowher under your tree.

Giants over Vikings – I can’t figure out the Giants. Are they the team that won six in a row or the team that got a 45 dropped on them by Dallas and barely squeaked by the Dolphins?

Redskins over Buccaneers – Jason Campbell is a damn fine quarterback. Too bad he plays for the Redskins.

Broncos over Bears – The Broncos have one of the worst rush defenses in the league. Unfortunately, the Bears have Cedric Benson, who went to the Rashan Sallam School of “How to play running back for the Chicago Bears.”

Browns over Texans – The Ping Ponging Field Goal of Doom last week has me convinced the Browns are a team of destiny.

Jaguars over Bills – HOW COULD THE PATS RUN UP THE SCORE ON KEVIN EVERETT APPRECIATION NIGHT??? BELICHEK IS TRULY THE ANTICHRIST!!!

Rams over Seahawks – The “real” Rams have finally bothered to show up after laying a goose egg through the first half of the season.

Titans over Bengals - Pacman Jones reportedly got into a fight with fellow Titan Albert Haynesworth at a team function this past week. No word on whether he threw salt in his eyes and then smacked him over the head with a metal folding chair, though.

Cardinals over 49ers - One team can score. One team cannot. That is really all you need to know.

Chiefs over Raiders – Guess we all know why Damon Huard only got to play once every five years. Brodie Croyle provided a much-needed spark on offense last week. Although by far the most impressive thing about Croyle is his crazy hot wife.

Chargers over Ravens – The Ravens offense was on the field for a whopping 8 minutes in the entire first half against the mighty Cleveland Browns.  Gee, wonder how they’ll do against San Diego. Hope the Ravens D has been working on their cardio.

Patriots over Eagles – The only question is which will be higher at the end of the day: The Patriots’ score or Andy Reid’s upstanding young sons?