Legendary Steelers coach Bill Cowher announced on CBS’s Sunday Pregame Show that he will not return to the sidelines in 2009. Instead he plans on spending another year trying to decipher the Captain Caveman-like mumblings of Shannon Sharpe. This news is no doubt a shattering blow to pretty much every franchise that missed the playoffs and/or just plain sucks and thinks The Chin is the man to save them.

The past week saw Cowher linked to every coaching vacancy and even a few jobs which aren’t currently vacant. It began with the Cleveland Browns making an overture to which Bill responded LOL. Memo to Cleveland: the man wants to WIN and everybody knows the Browns will never win anything. Then the New York Jets put him on their wishlist. ESPN had a crawl all day Thursday noting “Cowher and the Jets show mutual interest.” This interest was so mutual that Cowher rejected their interest the next day, having not even bothered to MEET them. Only in NY do people seem to think everybody is just dying to be used and abused by their ignorant disloyal fans and douchebag media.

In any case, Cowher did leave the door open by saying he will re-evaluate his retirement on a year-by-year basis. So next year when the axe falls on a half dozen inept coaches the day after the season ends, expect to hear Chris Mortenson, Jay Glazer, and that Crypt Keeper-looking dude on ESPN bring up his name in connection with every opening. And also expect every blog or fansite which follows a lousy team to keep bringing his name up as the one true savior who can come along and make everything right again.

Here’s hoping he stays retired. No need to ruin his legacy by coming back to a bad situation like Kansas City or Jacksonville and then stumbling through several good but not great seasons before becoming a victim to the unrealistic expectations of the fans.

Besides, Joe Pa can’t stick around forever. Who wouldn’t want to see The Chin lead his Nittany Lions on to the field down in Happy Valley?

Wild Card Weekend Playoff Wrap-Up

Pittsburgh West Cardinals over Falcons 30-24: The Cards were playing possum the past month as a string of phoned in performances were replaced by an amped up intensity which the young Falcons couldn’t match. Former Pitt superstar WR Larry Fitzgerald made an incredible 42 yard TD catch for the first score of the game and Atlanta simply couldn’t keep up when the game turned into a shoot-out. NFL Rushing Leader Michael Turner was bottled up and Rookie of the Year Matt Ryan had several rookie moments as the Card advanced to face the Carolina Panthers next week.

Chargers over Colts 23-17 (OT): The best game of the weekend ended with yet another early playoff exit by the underachieving Colts and undeserving NFL MVP Peyton Manning. The Colts have made the playoffs something like 8 straight years but been one-and-done in half of them. In fact, if not for Steve McNair outchoking Pey-Pey back in 2006, he could very well be football’s version of A-Rod (minus the purple lipstick and washed up pop star girlfriend). I’ll have more on the Chargers later this week as they come to Pittsburgh for an AFC Divisional Playoff game.

Ravens over Dolphins 27-9: Baltimore laid a total whuppin’ on Goldie Hawn’s favorite team, utterly exposing Chad Pennington and humbling the Fins in Miami. Pennington threw 4 picks, topped off by one being returned 64 yards for a TD by notorious ballhawk Ed Reed. Former Pitt recruit Joe Flacco became the first rookie QB to win a road playoff game as his steady play aided by an excellent running attack advanced them forward to a rematch with the top seeded Tennessee Titans next Saturday in Nashville.

Eagles over Vikings 26-14: Minny QB Tarvaris Jackson proved overmatched for the Eagles defense while superstar RB Adrian Peterson was held mostly in check (except for a 40 yard TD scamper, he was pretty well contained). Donovan McNabb made enough big plays, mostly set up by the return abilities of WR Desean Jackson, to put the Eagles ahead. RB Brian Westbrook sealed the deal with a 71 yard TD which began as a 3 yard screen but he took all the way to the end zone. Philly heads to the Meadowlands next week for a third game against their hated divisional foe New York Giants.

I’m turning over a new leaf.

After stewing over Sunday’s embarrassing loss to the Indianapolis Colts, I’ve decided to stop dwelling on the negative. There’s no point in rehashing the past. What’s done is done and we must march onward toward the future.

I think I’ve watched one too many Mike Tomlin press conferences.

Anyway, instead of criticizing what’s gone horribly wrong with the Pittsburgh Steelers, I’m going to try and help them. From now on, this blog will be solutions oriented. Obviously, Tomlin and Offensive Coordinator Bruce Arians need all the help they can get. I may have never coached one down of football at any level but I kick all kinds of ass when it comes to designing plays on Madden ’09 so I feel qualified to offer my advice. Arians probably blows at video games.

With that in mind, I’ve devised four easy-to-implement solutions which can’t help but drastically improve our offensive play.

1 – Establish Identity

The Steelers have been a running team going all the way back to the Dynasty teams of the 70’s. Ball control, grind-it-out offenses which throw the ball only as a complement to the ground game. There was a brief period when Jerome Bettis was hurt and our backups stunk where we became a high-powered run-and-gun offense under Tommy Maddox but that didn’t last long. And it wasn’t too successful either.

Over half way through this season and does anybody know what kind of offense we are?

We currently rank 24^th in rushing offense. Think about that. We’re currently behind the Kansas City Chiefs and Seattle Seahawks if both total yards and average/game.  Clearly we’re not a running team.

Maybe we’re a passing team. Hmmm… Well what do you know? We’re ranked a stunning 24^th in that category, too. Right behind the high-powered attacks of the Detroit Lions and San Francisco 49ers. Guess we’re not much of a passing team either.

I’m sure some people will point to our injury situation this year. Those people are idiots. Every team has injuries and unless you’re ineptly coached or poorly managed, you should be able to work through them. Sometimes that means finding new players. Sometimes that means finding new strategies.  Blaming poor play on injuries is just the ultimate in excuse making for homers in denial.

The Patriots were a high-powered aerial attack under Tom Brady. He was lost for the season, then they lost not only their starting running back but his backup as well. Guess what? They’re 7^th in rushing offense this season using an undrafted free agent who was 4^th on their depth chart at the start of the year. Yet they’re winning using a primarily running based offense because that’s what works best with their current personnel.

Mewelde Moore is a more than capable back. Gary Russell has looked decent when given a chance. Our line doesn’t always excel at run blocking but that’s the kind of thing which tends to improve with repetition. There is no reason we shouldn’t be able to go back to old fashioned Steeler football. For that to happen, however, a commitment has to be made to the run. That means no more of this one carry and then two passes crap. You have to keep feeding the backs even if the first few carries don’t net many yards.

2 – Throw It Away

Ben Roethlisberger is a magician. He has escaped sure doom to make a big play more often than any QB not named Flutie. However, he has to be smarter when it comes to time and place.

The Steelers only had 2 sacks on Peyton Manning last week. One reason is when he felt the heat bearing down on him, he’d throw the ball away. Does anybody remember the last time they’ve seen Big Ben do this? I honestly can’t.

He tries to save EVERY play. That’s either extremely confident or stupidly cocky. In any case, it’s hurting the team more than helping. When it’s the first half and you’re facing a 2^nd and 10, there is no harm in throwing the ball away so you may live to fight another play. How many times this season has Ben faced this situation and while twisting and turning like Urkel on the dance floor, he ends up taking a seven yard sack? If he learned to throw the ball away, we’d have a lot more 3^rd and 6’s instead of 3^rd and 14’s.

Obviously, if the team is down by 10 in the 4^th quarter, sure you try to make something happen. If it’s 3^rd down at midfield, sure you try to make something happen. But if you’re nursing a 3 point lead deep in your territory, that is not the time to take chances. Be smart.

3 – Start The QB Who Can Make All The Throws

The Tiffin Thunderbolt Nate Washington caught a bomb to break the game open against the Bengals. He caught another one to break it open against the Redskins. Last week? Nada. Know why?

The answer can be found in the Post-Gazette’s Notebook item on Ben:

The quarterback threw with limited effectiveness in drills and had ice applied to his right shoulder before leaving the practice field.

He didn’t hit Nate deep because he couldn’t throw deep. Why the hell would you start a QB if you know he can’t make all the throws? That’s ridiculous. If they want a guy who can’t get the ball more than 20 yards down the field under center, they should’ve signed Chad Pennington instead of Byron Leftwich.

Determine exactly what Ben’s injury situation will allow him to do. If he can play up to his normal level or reasonably close, start him. If he can’t, he sits. Simple as that.

4 – Simplify Schemes

Let’s be honest, athletes are not the brightest bulbs on the tree. One of the reasons given for Ben’s tremendous season last year was the fact Arians supposedly simplified a lot of the playbook he inherited from Ken Whisenhunt.

The terminology might be easier to remember but the schemes appear to be more complex than ever. There’s always an occasional miscommunication between receiver and QB. We all know it when it happens but only a douche like Neil O’Donnell throws their teammate under the bus publicly.

This year, however, there seems to be a degree of confusion which extends beyond the occasional. I often see two receivers running oddly similar routes. Other times I see them making complicated dekes, bobs, and curls which would make Sidney Crosby jealous. And there have been a lot of times where throws have gone to one spot while the wide out has gone to another.

Our line takes a lot of heat and they are definitely weak. But anybody who knows the basics of football knows a QB only has an average of 3-4 seconds to drop back and let the ball go.  Provided you can count that high, time them yourself the next time you see them play and you’ll realize except for on all-out blitzes, the line usually provides that much time.

They have given Ben a chance to step up and throw the ball on a fairly consistent basis.  The problem has been the 3 seconds of time they allot the QB hasn’t been enough to allow the complicated routes to develop. By the time the WR is in position and Ben has spotted them, he’s got a guy in his face.

The reason the offense tends to look much better in No Huddle situations is because that’s when you’re dealing with a very simple and limited set of plays. They are just basic formations and routes and everything is quick hits. That’s what we need to see more of, not just in Two Minute Drills, but in any passing situation.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to draw up a few tricky Wildcat type plays for the sadly unused Dennis Dixon.

Toldja they read our blog.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, having evidently read John’s post on the city’s Roller Derby scene, were not to be outdone by the Wrecking Dolls having a player with the WWE-esque nickname of “Snot Rocket Science” so they went out and one-upped them by signing former Tampa Bay Buccaneer defensive end Anthony “Booger” McFarland.

I’d love to give you a scouting report on good ‘ol Booger but alas, he tore his patella tendon and missed the entire 2007 season. However, McFarland should still be somewhat familiar to football fans as he was a starter on two Super Bowl championship teams. He was highly regarded enough for the Indianapolis Colts to give up a second round draft pick for his services a couple years ago when it finally occurred to them that occasionally stopping the other team from scoring might be a better idea than simply hoping to score 55 points a game. Unfortunately, their high regard immediately plummeted to callous disinterest when he failed a recent physical.

Still, I like this signing for two reasons and since they are pretty insightful, I will share them with you.

1) McFarland probably still has some gas left in the tank. I know the temptation is to lump this in with the other Steeler Reclaimation Projects (see Barlow, Kevan) as doomed for failure but I’m not totally sure about that. McFarland played in Tampa Bay for defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin. Who was Kiffin’s defensive backs coach? Mike Tomlin.

This could very well be a case where McFarland took a bargain basement contract from an old friend with the hope that he can prove he can still play and thus earn a better deal from the Steelers or another team somewhere down the line. The NFL is a cruel, harsh place where dreams go to die. Kinda like Vegas. They don’t suffer cripples or invalids and if you can’t play, you’re thrown in the garbage heap with the rest of the trash. But every once in awhile, all you need is a little spackle, a little bondo, and a little TLC to transform that broken old lamp into an awesome bedpost/door knocker. Damn you, Ty Pennington!!

2) The Steelers need the depth. Last year, we pulled off the rarely done Defensive Hat Trick of leading the league in pass defense, run defense, and total defense. Then DE Aaron Smith went down. What happened? Well, that’s why I have his name listed in the Steelers MVP voting over on the right. We immediately surrendered 150 yards to the Jets’ Thomas Jones. Then we got gashed by some third string rookie making his first start for Cincinnatti whose name I can’t even be bothered to remember. Then, worst of all, came the 200+ yard wrecking that Jacksonville dumped on us.

It’s almost like the Steelers sometimes forget football is a contact sport. People get hurt. The 11 guys who start the season aren’t likely to be the exact same 11 who finish it. Some soldier inevitably falls along the way. It’s a game of attrition.

Now, I understand you can’t have 11 starters and then also have 5 back-ups as good as the starters. You simply can’t pay everybody. But the drop-off between starter and back-up doesn’t need to be quite that severe. With most teams, if the starter is an honors student, the back-up is in college prep. With the Steelers, our back-ups ride the short bus.

Last season, the law firm of Kirschke & Eason was an utter disaster. One player, albeit a great one, went down and our entire run defense collapsed. If McFarland can play at anywhere near his previous level, he gives us a very solid run-stopper to plug in whenever need be. Will be beat out any of our starters? Highly unlikely. But if injuries occur, and we all know they will, we won’t have to worry about our entire defense going down with them.

All in all, a very nice pick up by the Steelers. I know it gets frustrating that while other teams are in luxurious showrooms checking out the latest Audi or BMWs, we’re in the used car lot kicking the tires and hoping to make lemonade out of a lemon but you can’t argue with success. And there really aren’t many teams in the NFL better at managing, maneuvering, and surviving life in the salary cap era than your Pittsburgh Steelers.