Before the season started, I developed this theory known as the “Fab Four.” Basically, since 2000 there have been 28 teams that have made the playoffs despite having a losing record the previous season. In fact, since 2000, four teams a year have made the playoffs despite a losing record the prior season, except for 2001 (3 teams) and 2002 (5 teams). It’s pretty much a given that four playoff teams each year will make the playoffs despite a losing record the season beforehand. However, there was a caveat to this year. In 2006 there were only 12 teams with a losing record. Thus, I believed that it was less likely the “Fab Four” would happen this year and modified my theory to predict 3 teams with losing records in 2006 would make the playoffs this year. I chose Tampa Bay, Houston, and San Francisco to accomplish this feat.

I bring this up because, as you can see, I was 1 for 3. This level of Prognostication Proficiency is about how well I did on the Highway to Ham. For the newer readers, the Highway to Ham is a group of about two dozen of us at work who compete in a weekly not-for-profit football poll where the cumulative results are tallied at the end of the season and the victor is awarded a trophy in the form of a Jack Ham rookie card. Needless to say, if you bet your college education funds according to my picks, I hope you enjoy your upcoming semester at Allegheny Community College.

Still, since the Steelers have lamentably been bounced from the post season tournament, I figured I might as well chip in with a few picks for this week’s Divisional Playoff games.

Patriots over Jaguars – The Jags were exposed more last week than Britney’s crotch was in 2007. Jacksonville is a great running team with a mediocre quarterback and suspect secondary. Not exactly the recipe for beating the Patriots. Bill Belichick’s deal with Satan ensures them at least a shot at 18-0 next week.

Colts over Chargers – I’m tempted to take the Bolts here since Peyton Manning has a history of struggling in first-round playoff games and the team has to shake off the rust of not playing any meaningful football for almost three weeks. However, I just can’t ride with Phillip Rivers, who’s only consistency is his tendency to be wildly inconsistent. Where would San Diego be if they had taken Ben Roethlisberger or decided to keep Drew Brees?

Packers over Seapigeons – You see, Bret Farve is the greatest player ever in the history of football, sports, pretty much any athletic competition there is, was, or ever will be. Bah gawd, Brett Farve will chuck that pigskin because if anyone could make a pass like that, it is the one and only Bret Farve. Did I mention that Bret Farve is the greatest quarterback ever and he, and only he alone, is capable of going out there with his gunslinger mentality and firing footballs into itty bitty spaces where other knock-kneed quarterbacks fear to tread? Plus, he’ll being throwing these passes at Lambeau Field, the greatest stadium ever, so it is inevitable his passes will be complete and go for many many touchdowns!

Just getting you warmed up for what you should expect to hear from the announcers this weekend. Verbally fellating Bret Favre has become our new national pastime.

New York Football Giants over Cowboys – Dallas QB Tony Romo made news this week for vacationing in Mexico with girlfriend Jessica Simpson. I think because of those two large yet perky distractions, the G-Men will be able to pull off the upset. Plus, Dallas has already beaten the Giants twice this year. Call it a case of tit for tat.

Hope everybody had a nice Thanksgiving. Our yearly gathering to feast on the finest genetically mutated bird meat money can buy was the usual well-attended affair. I come from a big family (in both number and poundage) with greatly varied tastes so we’ve found it best to cover all the bases in one fowl swoop. Thank you, John Madden, for cluing us in to this wonder of modern science. If it wasn’t for your constant pimping of the turducken on Thanksgiving football, I can only imagine the yearly chaos we’d have at the dinner table. Well, now that our appetite for bird has been satisfied, let’s turn to our appetite for pigskin in this super-special abbreviated edition of the Highway To Ham Turducken.

Saints over Panthers – Cheer up, Panther fans, only 30 shopping days left until Christmas. All these pathetic performances will ensure you find a Bill Cowher under your tree.

Giants over Vikings – I can’t figure out the Giants. Are they the team that won six in a row or the team that got a 45 dropped on them by Dallas and barely squeaked by the Dolphins?

Redskins over Buccaneers – Jason Campbell is a damn fine quarterback. Too bad he plays for the Redskins.

Broncos over Bears – The Broncos have one of the worst rush defenses in the league. Unfortunately, the Bears have Cedric Benson, who went to the Rashan Sallam School of “How to play running back for the Chicago Bears.”

Browns over Texans – The Ping Ponging Field Goal of Doom last week has me convinced the Browns are a team of destiny.

Jaguars over Bills – HOW COULD THE PATS RUN UP THE SCORE ON KEVIN EVERETT APPRECIATION NIGHT??? BELICHEK IS TRULY THE ANTICHRIST!!!

Rams over Seahawks – The “real” Rams have finally bothered to show up after laying a goose egg through the first half of the season.

Titans over Bengals - Pacman Jones reportedly got into a fight with fellow Titan Albert Haynesworth at a team function this past week. No word on whether he threw salt in his eyes and then smacked him over the head with a metal folding chair, though.

Cardinals over 49ers - One team can score. One team cannot. That is really all you need to know.

Chiefs over Raiders – Guess we all know why Damon Huard only got to play once every five years. Brodie Croyle provided a much-needed spark on offense last week. Although by far the most impressive thing about Croyle is his crazy hot wife.

Chargers over Ravens – The Ravens offense was on the field for a whopping 8 minutes in the entire first half against the mighty Cleveland Browns.  Gee, wonder how they’ll do against San Diego. Hope the Ravens D has been working on their cardio.

Patriots over Eagles – The only question is which will be higher at the end of the day: The Patriots’ score or Andy Reid’s upstanding young sons?

Week number two on the Highway To Ham. Last week, I went a respectable 8-6, raising my yearly record to 59-54. I’m three games out of first place in my not-for-profit office poll but still kicking Dan Marino’s ass in the “Beat the Hosts” segment.

Last week, despite writing approximately 3,000 words, I forgot to mention something. As Adam astutely pointed out, I didn’t pick the Pittsburgh game. We never pick Steeler games around here. We used to but every person in our poll picked them to win every week so now we just declare it a push.

On to the Highway:

Atlanta over Carolina – Atlanta DT Jonathan Babineaux was cleared Wednesday of a felony animal cruelty charge where he dragged his girlfriend’s pit bull around in circles by the neck until it died. Pfft. Everybody except Michael Vick knows you get a three or four dog mulligan down in Georgia. Things are clearly looking up for Atlanta.

Kansas City over Denver – Denver’s defense is banged up and their itty bitty D-line is getting gashed on a weekly basis. I hope they’re given their Last Rites by Priest Holmes. I’m not just saying that because he was an uber-cheap pick up in my fantasy league; I’m also a sucker for comebacks and this is one of the feel-good stories of the year.

Buffalo over Miami - Legendary Miami coach Don Shula said the Patriots’ accomplishments were “tainted” by the videotaping scandal. Miami LB Zach Thomas will miss this week’s game due to recurring migraines, the result of a fender bender with a Patriots fan a few weeks ago. Coincidence? I think not. Better pipe down old man, because Belicheat isn’t above having somebody take out a knee over a game of shuffleboard.

Minnesota over Green Bay – Last week, I said San Diego had a good defense and Adrian Peterson wasn’t going to have a good game. This is like President Bush calling his plan to occupy Iraq, overhaul their government, revamp their culture, and bring back the troops in less than two years “a slight miscalculation.” I thought AP was a very good player. I did not realize he was the Viking God of the Rush.

New Orleans over St. Louis – New Orleans has totally turned things around since the bye week, mostly because the Saints have started to throw the ball deep instead of just dumping it off to Reggie Bush and expecting him to jitterbug his way down the field.

Jacksonville over Tennessee - The Quinn Gray Era ends, not with a bang, but a whimper. Vince Young continues to do his best Kordell Stewart impersonation. All he needs is to get caught in a parked car with a “friend” at three A.M. and the transformation will become complete.

Washington over Philadelphia – Philly is thinking about changing their motto from “City of Brotherly Love” to “City of Brothers on Smack” in honor of the Reid Boys. Maybe while they’re in Washington, Andy can seek counsel from former mayor Marion Berry. He’s living proof that repeated drug busts don’t necessarily ruin your plans for the future.

Cincinnati over Baltimore – Bungles WR Chris Henry plays his first game of the season this week. Cincinnati should improve over the next couple weeks as more and more of their criminals get back on the field.

Detroit over Arizona – Does anybody still wish we would’ve hired Wisenhunt as our head coach? Anybody?

Oakland over Chicago – The honeymoon with Brian Griese is over as the Bears are rapidly approaching Wannstedt-era level incompetence, but with the extra heartbreak of it happening with players who are actually good. I dunno, though, the Bears being a 5-11 team again just feels so right. It’s like… Coming home.

NY Football Giants over Dallas – Tony Romo celebrated his brand new 6 year/$67 million contract by getting a lap dance from free-ballin’ pop tart, Britney Spears. Fantasy alert: Expect the itching and burning sensations he’ll be feeling in his crotch to throw him off his game.

Indianapolis over San Diego – The turning point in the game last week was when Indy S Bob Sanders left the game with an injury. Hey Bob, you might not get injured as often if you weren’t trying to spear somebody on every play. Watching Joseph Addai teabag the Patriots D was a thing of beauty, though. I predict additional mushroom stamps for the Chargers D to match the ones AP left all over them last week.

Welcome to the first installment of the Highway To Ham. This will be my weekly segment where I talk a little about this week’s games, share my insights, and give you my picks. Hey, every NFL show does it, why shouldn’t we? Besides, I’m currently way ahead of Dan Marino on the “Beat The Hosts” website so I believe my system works. Watch out Collingsworth, I’m on your ass!

As a note, the column is called “Highway To Ham” because my friends and I at work run our very own inter-office *ahem* not-for-profit betting pool. In addition to *ahem* no profit, the overall winner at the end of the year receives an autographed Jack Ham rookie card. How’s that for a trophy?

On to the picks:

Bucs over Cards – The two-headed QB monster Wisenhunt concocted was stupid. Leinart had mostly looked awful while Warner was looking like his old 1999-with-the-Rams self. Then Leinart went down and Warner went back to being his post-2000 self. The Bucs pass defense hasn’t looked good this year but Garcia is a warrior and I don’t see him letting the Bucs lose three in a row.

Titans over Panthers – I think it’s kind of funny that the most respect that Vinny Testeverde has gotten from fans his entire career is for his ability to come off the couch and still play at his age. *Sigh* I remember the good old days when he was one of the most despised QBs (even by his own fans) in the history of football. Tennessee wins ugly, but they win.

Lions over Broncos – Lions QB John Kitna attended the team’s annual Halloween Party dressed as Joe Cullen. Cullen, you may recall, was the O-line coach who got suspended by the league for going through a McDonald’s drive-thru while not wearing any pants (I suppose there’s a “Special Sauce” joke to be made here but I’ll refrain in the name of good taste). This officially makes Kitna the Coolest Man Alive. His costume sure beats the hell out of this guy’s mediocre effort. Where’s the spit, the drool, the slobber?

Bengals over Bills – The aptly named J.P. Losman gets the start for the Bills this week. It amazes me how some teams spend years and years “grooming” quarterbacks who never accomplish anything. How long was Tom Brady groomed? How about Ben? If you don’t win early, you’re never gonna win.

Chargers over Vikings – Adrian Peterson might as well start signing his checks “Rookie of the Year” right now. Unfortunately, he’s all the Vikings have. And San Diego is pretty good at stopping the run. If AP is on your fantasy team, prepare to be disappointed.

49ers over Falcons – Ladies and gentlemen, Trent Dilfer blows. He’s blown in the past and he will continue to blow in the future. He was saved from Rex Grossmanism by one season, where he still blew, but because the team around him was unbelievable (Priest Holmes was a freaking backup, for crying out loud), people still say things like “he’s a pretty good backup to have on your team.” No, he blows. Thankfully, Alex Smith is starting for the Niners this week.

Redskins over Jets – Kellen Clemens starts for the Jets this week so now the only question in NY will be “Does Pennington have the arm strength to hold his clipboard?” The ‘Skins will be angry after last week’s pasting by the Pats so this one might get ugly.

Packers over Chiefs – I like Bret Favre and all but after last Monday night, I hope they never show another Green Bay game as long as Favre is there. It’s like they’re trying to make me hate him with the endless praise and the Deanna Favre love poem that almost sent me into a diabetic coma. I think I threw up in my mouth a little when Berman said a few Sundays ago, “You can’t hate Brett Favre, it’s like hating America!” Well, I love America. I love apple pie. I even voted for Lynn Swann. So I’m picking the Pack.

Jaguars over Saints – Quinn Gray is undefeated as a starting quarterback in the NFL. I’m riding that horse until it drops.

Browns over SeaPigeons – Derek Anderson should change his name to Peyton Brady because he’s the best QB in the league outside of the Big Two. The SeaPigeons start Charlie Frye, who the Steelers slapped around and ran out of town in week one. Besides, as much as I hate Cleveland, I love seeing Holgrem lose.

Raiders over Texans– The Matt Schaub Lovefest is over in Houston. The Daunte Culpepper Abusive Relationship is over in Oakland. Since Josh McKown is better than Sage Rosenfels, I’ll go with the Raiders.

Cowboys over Eagles – The judge in one of the drug arrests of Andy Reid’s two boys described the Reid household as “a drug emporium.” I am shocked, SHOCKED I SAY, that two fine young men like the Reid brood could get mixed up in such unsavory business as smack and cocaine while living in such a fine, clean, friendly, safe, family-oriented city as Philadelphia.

And that’s it for…oh wait. I think there’s one more game this week.

SUPER BOWL XLI ½

Colts over Patriots – This one is impossible to pick so I’m forced to consider the intangibles. Tom Brady used to date actress Bridget Moynahan. Peyton Manning used to date country-western singer Kenny Chesney. Advantage: Pats. Tony Dungy used to be a Pittsburgh Steeler. Bill Belichek used to be a documentary filmmaker. Advantage: Colts. I say flip a coin and take your pick. Just remember to take the over.