Why I'm Glad I Didn't Go To Notre Dame

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, the Pittsburgh Steelers will be blushing when they face the Carolina Panthers.  What?  Know Thy Enemy on Thursday?  Must be an NFL Network special event for those of us in the Steel City and the five other places which get that channel!

Anyway, Panthers owner Jerry Richardson has long admired Dan Rooney and his attempts at molding the Kitty Kats in the Black and Gold’s image go as far back as when they hired our defensive coordinator, Dom Capers, as the franchise’s first head coach.  Current coach John Fox was a secondary coach for both the Steelers and Pitt so you see the pattern continuing to this day.  In fact, if Richardson wasn’t such a cheapskate, I’m pretty sure Bill Cowher would have been more than happy to take over when Fox is shown the door after the season.

This has been a rough season for the first expansion franchise of the modern era to reach the Super Bowl.  The Panthers let some key personnel go after last season, resulting in a 2-12 record and massive rebuilding project for their next coach.  The low point of the Steelers miserable season last year was definitely the Thursday debacle against the Cleveland Browns.  However, this year’s squad seems to have learned their lessons, taking no games for granted and winning the games they should win.

STEELERS DEFENSE vs. PANTHERS OFFENSE

Carolina’s primary offensive weapons are in the running game.  Jonathan Stewart and second year man Mike Goodson make for a potent ground attack.  When the Panthers, currently ranked dead last in total offense, manage any sort of threat, it’s usually due to their running backs.  That’s the good news.

Good because the Steelers continue to put up some historic numbers in run defense.  They’re average per game rose by two yards after last week.  However, the #2 ranked team rose by five which means Blitzburgh’s average is a whopping 26 yards per game less than the next best unit.  Absolutely astounding.

If the Panthers can’t run, and the outlook is hardly positive, the game will be put in the hands of rookie QB Jimmy Clausen.  If the NFL is a quarterback driven league, the Panthers have a Volvo sitting in the garage.  Clausen has 1300 yards to his credit but only 2 touchdown passes against 7 interceptions.  It appears Jimmy won’t figure into Carolina’s future plans as the Andrew Luck Watch seems to be in full effect down in Charlotte.

The Steelers will be playing without Troy Polmalu for the second straight game. Troy has said he’s feeling much better and he very well may be on the field for the season finale against Cleveland.  I don’t believe in taking any opponent lightly but I have to agree with the idea of resting him for another week.  The defense didn’t play terribly against the Jets, they just didn’t get that one big play Troy always seems to provide.

If Ike Taylor can’t keep a lid on Steve Smith while guys like James Harrison or Lawrence Timmons make a couple plays against Clausen and that inept offense, they’re not as good as we think they are.

STEELERS OFFENSE vs. PANTHERS DEFENSE

Emotional leader Jon Beason has moved from MLB to OLB to replace Thomas Davis as Penn Stater Dan Conner went to the middle until he was lost for the season.  The Panthers lost even more pass rush when they allowed Julius Peppers to escape to the Bears during the off-season.  Although his replacement, fourth year pro Charles Johnson, has registered 9.5 sacks.  Despite Johnson’s solid play, the team is still in the bottom third of the league in total sacks.

Last week, our much maligned offensive line kept Ben relatively clean in the face of the Jets hellacious blitz packages.  There may be another change as Trai Essex is rumored to be taking over at LT for human pylon Jonathan Scott.  Scott was the bozo whose blocking “technique” of falling flat on his face led to the crucial safety late in the game.  He’s been various shades of awful since taking over for Max Starks so a switch to Essex would be more than justified.

The Panthers actually have a fairly decent defense, 12th overall in total yardage.  If there is a strength, it’s their secondary.  Perhaps their biggest playmaker is safety Charles Godfrey, who has five picks this year.  Corners Richard Marshall and the awesomely named Captain Munnerlyn have three each for what is the eighth best pass defense in the league.  Their weakness is in run defense, where they’ve replaced three of last year’s starting front four leading to a bottom ten standing and over 126 yards per game given up.

Heath Miller has been cleared of all concussion related symptoms so he should be good to go.  I’m sure Ben Roethlisberger will be happy to have his safety blanket back.  Emmanuel Sanders had a bit of a break out game last week so in addition to Hines and Mike Wallace, we should have all hands on deck.  Despite my analysis above, we may need to throw more than the match-up would dictate because Rashard Mendenhall tweaked his shoulder against the Jets which probably explains why Mewelde Moore got that ill-fated draw in the end zone instead of Mendy.

Of course, I prefer my explanation:  Bruce Arians is a dumbass.

The Steelers are pretty much where you want to be this time of year.  Sure, it would be nice to have everything clinched but the Colts have done that how many times with nothing to show for it?  We have our destiny in our hands.  Win out and the second seed and first round bye are ours no matter what anybody else does.  Not much more you could ask for than that.

Catching up with some Pittsburgh Steelers related news I may have missed while digging myself out from Snowmageddon ’10.

Super Bowl X MVP and gubernatorial washout Lynn Swann has challenged The Bus to a ten pin smackdown at next year’s Super Bowl. Swann, serving as event host for the Fifth Annual NFL Charities Super Bowl Celebrity Bowling Classic, welcomed more than 40 ex-NFLers in Miami to a benefit for the NFL’s Youth Education Town (YET) initiative.  What is it with Steelers and bowling?  It can’t be a Pittsburgh thing because I haven’t been to McKnight Lanes in fifteen years.  Did our favorite rotund halfback accept the challenge from our Hall of Fame wide receiver?

Stay tuned!

Speaking of Hall of Famers, beloved Defensive Coordinator Dick LeBeau was finally selected for the Hall of Fame. Of course, he’s going in as a DB and not a coach but let’s not quibble over details.  After over fifty years of distinguished service to the NFL, nobody is more deserving.   Also making it is longtime Redskins All-Pro OG and Pitt legend Russ Grimm.   Hope this takes some of the sting off the whole “You’re the Steelers new head coach!  Oh wait, no you’re not!” thing, Russ.

Ben Roethlisberger is a dick, chapter 24. The New York Post ran this story about Big Ben leaving a Chicago night club.   Evidently, he dropped some cash on the ground, then gave a lady the stuck up jock treatment when she tried to return it.  Given Ben’s recent history, I don’t blame him for being leery of strange women.  Plus, he was probably fresh out of Rohypnol.

Ben Roethlisberger is awesome, chapter 5. Yahoo Sports has an article up proclaiming Big Ben a better QB than Peyton Manning.  Seriously.  I’m not going to get into this debate again since your opinion is going to be influenced by whether you’re a biased homer or a reasonable and realistic football fan.  I will say this, who cares if you’re the most clutch playoff performer in NFL history if YOU CAN’T GET YOUR DAMN TEAM TO THE POSTSEASON IN THE FIRST PLACE!

The AFC Champion Indianapolis Colts returned home to a massive throng of… Eleven fans?   ELEVEN?  I guess they had better things to do, like cow-tipping or taking advantage of that free Grand Slam breakfast.  File this sad display away in your memory banks for the next time some uneducated moron claims Steeler Nation is filled with bandwagon jumpers.

The Steelers sign training camp fodder. First, they plucked LB Derrick Doggett from the CFL.  Doggett was a special teams ace for that Mickey Mouse league up north.  I don’t know why they bother since he’ll need to beat out James Harrison or that nincompoop Tomlin will cut him because he “doesn’t believe in keeping strictly special teams players on the main roster.”   They signed two more guys yesterday. Brandon London is a 6-4 WR who was a practice squadder with the Giants but spent 2009 out of football.  Limas Sweed had better spend the off-season playing with radioactive spiders.  They also signed former Pitt punter Adam Graessle, who kicked last year in the UFL.   Teams usually bring multiple Ps, Ks, and QBs to camp so they can practice against real life people.   Don’t worry, ladies, Dreamy Daniel Sepulveda isn’t on the chopping block.

Which reminds me, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Last year, I turned my blog over to one of our most frequent and insightful commenters, Robyn, and she delivered a great post on the animal magnetism (or lack thereof) of Skippy Reed.  If any of my hundreds of sassy female readers would like to give it a shot this year, drop me a line at this address or post in the comments below.

Finally, a plea to you, my dear readers. I don’t ask for much.  In fact, I give you countless hours of high quality entertainment for the bargain basement low price of free several times per week.  But now I am asking for something.   Sean over at Sean’s Ramblings is hosting his 2nd Annual Best Pittsburgh Sports Blog Tournament.   Last year, I was bounced in the Sweet Sixteen by the tournament’s eventual winner, PensBlog.  While I have no delusions of grandeur, I would like to improve upon last year’s performance.   So please, take a second to click this link, scroll down about a quarter of the way (to the Ironhead Heyward Division), and drop a vote or two or three for the most super duper spiffy Steelers blog on the interwebs.   Thank you.

While Steeler Nation holds their collective breath awaiting the verdict on Ben Roethlisberger‘s head injury, yet more quarterbacking issues have cropped up for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Backup Charlie Batch somehow broke his wrist during his brief stint on Sunday. He’s undergoing surgery and is basically lost for the season. This is yet another unfortunate setback for Charlie, who broke his clavicle in a preseason game causing him to miss all of last year.  At 34 years of age, this may be the end of his days as an active player.  If so, I’m sure we’ll still see him patrolling the sidelines on Sunday in some coaching capacity.

In the meantime, the backup spot now falls to second year man Dennis Dixon. A fifth round draft pick out of Oregon in 2008, Dixon has completed one pass in his NFL career. Still, Dix is an amazing athlete who many thought would be a 1st round draft pick until he tore his ACL in the middle of his senior season. He made some incredible plays last preseason to where I was giddy over having Slash 2.0 on our hands.  Then this year he regressed, looking confused, erratic, and showing poor mechanics.

I guess that’s one way to get Bruce Arians to call more running plays.

Batch evidently isn’t being placed on IR, which would prevent him from coming back should the Steelers advance in the playoffs. It also means the team can’t add a third QB without cutting somebody from the active roster. So it seems they will be going with only two quarterbacks for the time being. This means if separate calamities should strike down both Ben and Dix, the man behind center for the Black and Gold will be none other than Hines Ward.

The Steelers will be signing a third QB to their practice squad.   Teams need three QBs because somebody has to lead the third stringers against the first team defense in practice.  You don’t want to waste time by having your top two QBs throwing balls right at Ike Taylor so he can perfect dropping sure interceptions.  The man charged with this difficult task will be familiar to Pittsburgh football fans.

Tyler Palko has returned.   Palko, a state champion at West Allegheny High, quarterbacked Pitt for three seasons.  While at the University of Pittsburgh, he beat out current Ratbirds star Joe Flacco for the starting job in The Stache’s first season.  Palko went undrafted but managed to hook on with the Saints in 2007 and spent most of the year on their  practice squad.  I didn’t care for Palko when he was here but I always like to see a local boy sign with the hometown team.  And to be fair, he did show flashes of brilliance although he was frustratingly inconsistent.

Finally, there’s still been no official word on Ben.  Speculation abounds that he’ll be cleared to play on Sunday night. We all know Ben thinks he’s Unbreakable but I hope the Steelers are wise enough to sit him down if there’s even the slightest hint of a lingering affect from this latest head injury. Between the motorcycle accident, Bill Cowher rushing him back that year to take a vicious beating, the 90-something sacks over the past three seasons, and now this “concussion oriented thing,” I fear his brain may be rapidly approaching the consistency of rice pudding.

Tune in tomorrow for the next episode of “As The Quarterback Turns…”

I have nothing against the Post-Gazette. I joke from time to time about them being the unofficial PR Department for the Pittsburgh Steelers but that can be said of every media outlet in this city. Truth is, I read their online site (printed newspapers are so 1992) almost every day because they have access to things, like press conferences and player interviews, us lowly bloggers still aren’t privy to.  Plus, I think there’s room for us both to co-exist; I write from the fan’s point of view, while they approach subjects through the eyes of a trained journalist.

Every once in awhile, I come across a story which is so patently ridiculous, my Smart Ass Meter hits the red.  Being a model of restraint, I usually resist the urge to make fun of it here.  But Holy Llama Dung, Batman, did anybody read this column? It’s a story about the Steelers annual Ladies Night Out and it’s terrible. It’s awful. It deserves my unbridled sarcasm in full. Let’s begin…

For $95, nearly 500 women of all ages and from all walks of life got the chance to eat dinner, ask questions of Steelers, visit the inner sanctum of the locker room and attempt field goals while their images were shown on the scoreboard.

Ninety-five dollars?  500 women were willing to pony up ninety-five dollars for the privilege of touring the Steelers locker room?  I’ve been in locker rooms.  Many times I would’ve paid $95 to LEAVE one.  I have no idea why women would be that eager to get a whiff of the stank left behind by 53 large sweaty men.

And I can’t imagine what this so-called “tour” might entail.  “This locker here with the full-length fold out mirror belongs to Jeff Reed.”  “Over here, you’ll see Santonio Holmes‘ jock strap.  Feel free to pass it around but be careful.  Drop it on your foot and you’ll break a toe.”

In a figurative sense, it was a Cinderella-like outing. But instead of dancing at a ball with a handsome prince, they got to kick a ball and become immersed in football. And a Steelerella never has to worry about glass slippers.

Fun activity for the ladies or auditioning Skippy’s replacement?  YOU DECIDE!

And let us never speak the word “Steelerella” ever again.

Speakers for the evening were rookie defensive lineman Ziggy Hood and backup quarterback Charlie Batch.

So for your ninety five clams, you get to hear from a rookie who’s never started a game and our lowly backup quarterback.  I don’t know for sure but I have a strong hunch Ziggy got handed the job as some sort of rookie hazing ritual.

But there also were questions never asked by the football writers, like this inquiry from Devona Edmond of the North Side.

“Ziggy, do you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes, she’s seated right over there.”

“Do you want another one?”

Translation:

“Hi, I’m Devona Edmond and I’m a shameless whore.”

Being a guy and all, I know Man Code backwards and forwards.  Perhaps one of my female readers can help me out with Woman Code.  Are there any rules or regulations about handling some hootchie hitting on your man right in front of you?

If not, there should be.

Ms. Edmond has the team logo tattooed on her back along with her date of birth — June 2, 1986.

The Hypocycloid turned into Tramp Stamp?  I don’t know if I should be aroused or offended by this sacrilege!

Women love the Steelers for a variety of reasons. Everybody loves a winner. Families get together to watch and talk football. The uniforms and the color scheme make a bold fashion statement.

Um, what?  Are they seriously claiming a portion of the Steelers female fan base exists solely because Black and Gold matches their shoes and purse?

“The Steelers officially don’t have cheerleaders. They don’t need them,” said Robin Thomas of St. Clairsville. “They have a million of them.”

We don’t need a mascot, either.  Yet Steely McBeam sadly exists.  Yes, we do need cheerleaders.  You know why?  Because Pittsburgh’s Polish-Italian-German flavor produces some of the most attractive women in the United States.  And I’m sick of people thinking they all look like this:

Besides, the Steelers did have cheerleaders once upon a time.  In fact, they had the first cheerleading squad in NFL history.

“He said his mother had a problem with us getting married because I wasn’t a Catholic. He didn’t have a problem with that, but he did have a problem with me wearing a Cowboys jersey. Once I took that thing off and converted to being a Steelers fan, things worked out fine. That was over 20 years ago,” Ms. Thomas said.

I have nothing funny to add.  Mostly because the same thing happened to me.  It’s 1994 and I’m a freshman at Carnegie Mellon University.  Sitting across from me in Introductory Statistics was this gorgeous green-eyed blonde, whom I’d later discover was a Colts fan.  We dated for close to two years and her dubious taste in football teams never bothered me because this was Indianapolis before Peyton Manning, when they were just a ragtag bunch of lovable losers.

In the 1995 playoffs (played in January of 1996), Indy came out of nowhere to score two major upsets before facing the Steelers in the AFC Championship game.  Up until this point, I had let this girl meet my parents but kept her away from major family gatherings.  On this occasion, I felt it was time to invite her to watch the game with my entire family, consisting of three uncles, two aunts, my grandma, and my folks.  When she walked in wearing an Indianapolis Colts jersey, I knew it was the beginning of the end.   We broke up six weeks later.

The moral of the story is this:  religious, ethnic, even age differences can be overcome.  But root for different teams and the relationship is doomed.

There were a few of the pink jerseys in the audience, but the overwhelming majority of women prefer to wear black and gold.

STOP BUYING PINK JERSEYS!!!!!   Only ditzy airheads who watch to stare at Heath Miller‘s ass wear pink jerseys.  Real football fans wear real football jerseys!!!

“Being a Steeler fan truly does span generations,” Mrs. Reinhard said. “It’s bred into you.”

There’s a joke there but…   Nah.  Too easy.

Lynn Kelley, originally from Upper St. Clair. She married a man from Sandusky, Ohio, and they had two sons. But when the marriage soured, he wanted the boys to follow the Browns. To rescue them from such a bleak future, she sought the intercession of Ziggy Hood.

This man should have all visitation rights revoked immediately.  Kids need a strong male role model and this guy is clearly a man of questionable character.  I’m not Judge Judy and I’ve never been in Family Court but his subtle brainwashing has to constitute some form of abuse.  Who in their right mind would encourage anybody to follow the Browns?

I’ve watched this video twenty times and you know what? It never gets old!

Don’t get me wrong. When it happened, I was not happy. On the contrary, I was concerned because the Pittsburgh Steelers were only up by a field goal. It definitely appeared that the undefeated Minnesota Vikings were closing in on the tie if not the go-ahead touchdown. Then the Steelers defense rose to the occasion, picking off Brett Favre and leading the Black and Gold to glorious victory.

So now I can gloat.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know I’m not a fan of Will.i.am Gay. For one thing, he acted like a complete moron at the Super Bowl Victory Parade. But what really grills my cheese is the way he poses and celebrates after making the most ordinary of plays. I’m not some old geezer. I don’t mind guys celebrating, say after catching the winning TD pass in the Super Bowl. However, Gay seems to think tackling somebody for a two yard loss is worthy of a choreographed dance straight out of an episode of Glee.

Thanks to Brett and his Fighting Wranglers, I have a new reason to dislike Gay. He sucks at football. If you saw the game, you probably noticed they targeted him all day. He blew one play where he was supposed to blitz but stopped long enough for the ball to go lofting over his peabrained head. On a crucial third and long, Gay totally whiffed on trying to tackle Percy Harvin. He misses a lot of tackles because he doesn’t wrap people up so much as dive desperately at their feet hoping an ankle falls into his mitts.

I didn’t worry much when Bryant McFadden left to join the Arizona Cardinals Pittsburgh West. After all, B-Mac only started one year and was routinely beaten out by ninety-five year old Deshea Townshend. Hindsight being 20/20, I realize we’re going to miss him. Gay has blazing speed but is a lousy tackler with mediocre coverage skills. Maybe Mike Tomlin, who started out as a secondary coach, can coach him up but I’m not holding my breath. We’ll have to make due until next year when either rookie Joe Burnett is ready to start or we take a better corner in the draft.

In the meantime, I’ll relish the irony of the above play. Gay has spent this season trying to draw attention to himself and his meager accomplishments. Well, he’s got attention now. From this point forward, whenever a “Best Plays of 2009″ highlight package airs, I’m sure you’ll see the clip of young Will.i.am getting JACKED UP by Purple Jesus. Be careful what you wish for…