I hate the Browns.

Being born and raised in Pittsburgh, the mere mention of the name “Cleveland” has made my blood boil for as long as I can remember. I hate Cleveland. My father hates Cleveland. My three uncles, two aunts, four cousins, and sweet grey-haired grandmother all hate Cleveland, too.

The damn thing is, I don’t know why.

Don’t yell at me and don’t threaten to revoke my membership to Steeler Nation. Just hear me out. All our lives we’ve been conditioned to hate Cleveland. We’ve been told they’re the mortal enemy. We’ve been told the Browns and the Steelers are one of the great rivalries in all of sports.

Well, let’s look at some other great rivalries. Red Sox-Yankees. Lakers-Celtics. Ohio State-Michigan. Maple Leafs-Canadiens. Hmmm… You know what they all have in common? The rivalry usually involves two equally prestigious franchises who are competing for a championship. The Yankees prevented the Sox from reaching the Series and prolonged the Curse until recent years when the tables have turned. OSU and Michigan often stood in each other’s way of a #1 ranking. The Lakers and Celtics met in the NBA finals five times. Toronto and Montreal dominated the NHL for over a decade, trading Lord Stanley’s Cup between themselves.

What championship has Cleveland ever cost Pittsburgh? When have the lowly Browns ever stood in the way of our mighty Steelers? How are they even remotely considered to be on the same level? I can’t remember one crucial game between the two teams which was won by the Browns. Oh, they gave it a shot a few years ago in a Wild Card playoff game but the rifle-arm heroics of QB Tommy Maddox prevented any disruption in the natural order of things.

I once read that the Pittsburgh Pirates are desperate to get the Cleveland Indians declared their “natural rival” so they can be sure to play them every season. I don’t understand this at all. I mean, I understand there are only so many cheap bobbleheads and 80’s hair bands they can bring to PNC Park to entice people to go and watch what is laughingly called a major league baseball team but why would even the most diehard yinzer fall for this? What is there to hate about the Indians? They’ve admittedly fared better than the Pirates in recent years but that’s like challenging a group of retarded kids to a chess match and then bragging when you beat them. And it’s not like the Indians have really accomplished much of anything recently. Their last World Series win was back in 1948 and they haven’t made it to October since 1954. At least the Buccos can say they won titles in 1960, 1971, and 1979.

Cleveland doesn’t have an NHL franchise and we don’t have an NBA team so we’ll call that a push. Except their Cleveland Cavaliers have been around since 1970 and won a grand total of ZERO titles while our Penguins have won twice. Technically, the score in professional basketball championships is actually Pittsburgh – 1 Cleveland – 0 as the Pittsburgh Pipers won the ABA (American Basketball Association) championship way back in 1967 and might have won it again in 1969 had they signed sharpshooting free agent point guard Jackie Moon.

The more I think about it, the less sense this whole “rivalry” with Cleveland makes. The Steelers won 5 Super Bowls and made the playoffs 12 of the last 15 years. The Browns are among only a handful of NFL teams to never appear in a Super Bowl and didn’t even have a team 12 of the last 15 years. Their franchise was moved to Baltimore, a city known as one of the most crime and drug-infested in the entire country. How bad is your city when that seems like an attractive alternative? We’ve had a line of great quarterbacks from Terry Bradshaw to Kordell Stewart to Ben Roethlisberger. They’ve had Bernie Kosar, Vinny Testaverde, and Charlie Frye. We had the Emperor Chuck Knoll. They had Bill Belichick and his entire A/V Club of Doom and still couldn’t win anything. We have the Terrible Towel and the most loyal fanbase in the entire NFL. They have a bunch of drunken buffoons in latex German Shepard masks. About the only thing we have in common is neither team has cheerleaders. For the Steelers, it’s a statement that our fans don’t need anybody enticing them to cheer. For the Browns, it’s due to the simple fact you can’t find 12 attractive women in Cleveland.

You may read this article and think I’m being overly harsh on Cleveland. You may even think some of these shots are of the cheap variety. However, that is honestly not my intent. I’m not trying to bash the people of Cleveland. Lord knows living there is enough of a cross to bear. No, the purpose of this post is to actually put the rivalry to rest. Sure, it will still be fun to play (and beat) them twice a year but let’s not do it with hatred in our hearts.  We should save that for those who really deserve it.

Somewhere there is a racehorse. And this racehorse’s great-great-great-great-great granddaddy was also a racehorse. And one fine day back in 1933, that horse won a race. A race bet on by a North Sider by the name of Arthur J. Rooney. And Art Rooney used the money he won that day, about $2,500 in total, to purchase a professional football franchise which would one day be known as the Pittsburgh Steelers.

For 75 years, the Rooney family has owned the Steelers. Sure, some things have changed but the Rooneys have remained the one major constant. Three Rivers Stadium is nothing but a memory. Art Rooney is gone but not forgotten, his eldest son Dan having been in control of the team for several decades now. And a recent appraisal of the Steelers values the team at around $1 billion.

Yes, you read that right. ONE BILLION DOLLARS.

Why was the team even being appraised you may ask? Because there is a very real possibility that sometime in the near future the one constant in Steeler Nation might no longer be constant. Yes, there appears to be a day coming when everybody who bleeds Black and Gold wakes up in a world where the Rooneys no longer own the Pittsburgh Steelers.

If that doesn’t worry you at least a little, it should.

With the passing of their father, controlling interest in the team was left to his five sons, Dan, Art Jr., Timothy, Patrick, and John. Dan was team president while Art Jr. was scouting director from the early 70’s until 1986 when his brother fired him, primarily because he insisted on taking NT Gabe Rivera over a local kid with a cannon arm by the name of Danny Marino. I would’ve fired my own mother over that one. The remaining brothers had other business interests and had no direct involvement with football-related matters.

The Rooney boys are all in their 50’s-70’s so they naturally have begun preparing for the inevitable transfer of power. Dan has already groomed his son, Art III, to take his place as team president. I believe this is Sticking Point #1 in that Art III is generally considered an asshole. When Bill Cowher had his farewell press conference, he spoke glowingly of Dan but had nothing to say about Art III. Rumor has it Little Art led the “Screw him! We don’t have to pay him because anybody can coach our awesome team!” charge which ultimately led to Cowher’s departure and subsequent dental work.

Dan Rooney is a powerful man in the NFL. He chaired the committee which nominated tape-destroying slimeball Roger Goodell for commissioner. He’s a major voice on every labor issue or contract negotiation. And it’s no secret he, and most likely his scheming son, want the team for themselves. Which is why it’s a bit suspicious that the NFL has all of a sudden interjected themselves into the Steeler’s ownership structure, demanding one person own 30% of the team while also suggesting some of the Rooney brothers’ race track business ventures constitute a violation of the league’s no-gambling interests policy.

The four remaining brothers have responded by doing the unthinkable; looking to sell their shares to somebody outside the family. This is where the appraisal comes in as supposedly Dan/AIII made an offer which was a bit low. Maybe they should bring in Sidney Crosby as a partner. Nah, Marian Hossa wouldn’t take a discount to play with him, the Rooneys probably wouldn’t either.

Enter Stanley Druckenmiller, owner of Pittsburgh-based Duquesne Capital Management,and filthy rich bastard. He’s a billionaire which is one requirement for buying something valued at around a billion dollars. He’s also a lifelong Steelers fan. Join the club, pal.

In fact, here is where it gets interesting. If the Rooney boys are serious about opening bidding for their shares up to the general public, there will unlikely be a free-for-all. I can imagine every disgustingly rich bastard from Mark Cuban to Eddie DeBartolo will enter the fray. Owning the Steelers isn’t the same as owning the Pirates or the Penguins. Don’t get me wrong, I love all our teams but the Steelers are a legendary team in the most successful (and popular) sports league. Interest in this would be huge.

And therein lays the worry. With the Rooneys, we know what we get. Sure we complain about their cheapness, we bemoan their lack of action in free-agency, and hate that while they want to win, it’s not Super Bowl-or-failure as it is to many of us. But what if we get a Ford or a Bidwell? Or, horror of horrors, a Danny Schnieder? Would Pittsburgh really want a flamboyant self-promoting clown like Jerry Jones prancing all over the sidelines at Heinz Field? These are the questions we may have to grapple with in the not-so-distant future.

Always remember, better the devil you know.

Anybody watch the EliteXC MMA show on CBS last Saturday?

If you’re a proud yinzer like me, you probably spent the night watching the Detroit Red Wings put the kibosh on our beloved Pittsburgh Penguins. Sadly, our quest for Lord Stanley’s Cup was fruitless as they went down to ultimate defeat last night. As an aside, I don’t want to sound like a whiny bitch, otherwise known as a Seahawk fan, but I’ll never understand NHL officiating no matter how many games I watch. However, giving credit where credit is due, Detroit was the better team and a deserving champion. If not for the heroic efforts of The Flower, Marc-Andre Fleury, the Pens would’ve been swept in 4.

Anyway, back to big sweaty tattooed men beating the snot out of each other. I posted that clip because it might be of interest to Steeler Nation. Last Saturday night, on that MMA show, a familiar name fought in an unaired prelim. Anybody remember Carlton Haselrig?

C’mon, people! Haselrig was one of the most gifted offensive linemen we’ve ever had. You think Barry Foster, Bam Morris, and Eric Pegram gained all those yards by themselves? Haselrig served up more pancakes than IHOP. What’s amazing is he never played ONE down of college football. He was an amateur wrestling star at Pitt. While there, he even beat future TNA Champion/WWE Champion/Olympic Hero, Kurt Angle. Three years later, he was in the Pro Bowl.

Unfortunately, Haselrig was a, how to put this nicely, FREAKIN’ NUTCASE. He once locked his keys in his car. Instead of using a coathanger to jimmy the lock, he decided to break the passenger window WITH HIS BARE HAND.

And that wasn’t even his manliest incident ever. He was once arrested for driving his motorcycle. Yep, Big Ben’s two-wheeled hijinks weren’t the first time the Steelers have run afoul of the Chopper Gods. Poor Carlton also had a motorcycle-related incident, although he was wearing his helmet…

BACKWARDS. But he was wearing it because, hey, if you’re going to cruise through McKee’s Rocks completely blind while on top of a 500 cc instrument of death, it’s best to remember safety first. Upon being questioned by the fuzz, he reportedly said he did this because he “wanted to see if he could.” That’s the best reason to do anything, folks.

So it should come as no surprise that Haselrig has decided to move on to manly pursuits which actually pay him money. Namely Mixed Martial Arts.

Sure he’s 42 years old. Sure he just started his new career in April. But this man is a 6 time NCAA wrestling champion. Even Angle admits he would’ve won a Gold medal had he pursued the Olympics. Instead he turned to football and dominated at something he had zero collegiate experience at. So I wouldn’t bet against him. If he puts his mind to it, I truly think he can accomplish anything, athletically-speaking.

UFC President Dana White, are you listening? I hear Brock Lesnar could use an opponent on a future card. Make it so!