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The natives are restless in Big D.

After losing three out of their last four games, the Dallas Cowboy players aren’t the only ones pointing fingers and pushing the panic button on their season. Their fans are growing increasing unhappy with the underperformance of a team which featured no less than 11 Pro Bowlers last year. Fair or not, a good deal of their venom is directed toward head coach Wade Phillips. Their collective voices are crying out for one man to save them:

Bill Cowher.

Of course, every team with a head coaching vacancy, and even a few without one, set their sights on Coach Cowher. Two years ago, the Giants stumbled down the stretch but managed to squeak into the playoffs where they got dumped by the Philadelphia Eagles. The next day, the New York Post ran the headline “We Want Bill.” Last year, the hot rumor was Romeo Crennel was on his way out and Cowher was going to be installed as head coach and G.M. of the Cleveland Browns. But they had a surprisingly strong season and Romeo received a contract extension instead, although the way this year is going that might not last.

Everybody wants Bill Cowher. Why shouldn’t they? In 15 years here in Pittsburgh, he only missed the playoffs five times. He’s won 150 games and is in the top five of all time with a 62% win percentage. Not to mention the two Super Bowl appearances and one victory. When retreads who never accomplished anything like Denny Green keep getting shot after shot, it’s pretty obvious why Bill would be the most highly sought after coach in decades.

So I can’t blame Dallas for wanting him. But I can tell them it isn’t going to happen.

Cowher left Pittsburgh for two reasons: burn-out and money. Some people think it’s just the latter but that’s not true. Jerome Bettis called Cowher’s retirement the season before because he had confessed to the Bus that after the Super Bowl he was tired and wanted to spend time with his family. This was before contract extension talks had began with the Steelers so money was not an issue. It did become a problem after the season when it became clear that his desire to be the highest paid coach in the NFL wasn’t going to happen in Pittsburgh.

Dallas owner Jerry Jones only lure to snag Cowher would be money. Big giant piles of it. If getting the fattest paycheck he can is Bill’s only goal then Dallas could very well be in the running. But there is nothing to indicate that is the case. In fact, all evidence points to the opposite.

Prior to the 2007 season, Wayne Huizenga offered Bill Cowher basically the deal he gave Bill Parcells to coach and run the Miami Dolphins organization. Cowher turned him down, ostensibly because he wanted to spend time with his family. Being close to home is important to him, one reason why Washington, Carolina, and Atlanta were the jobs most frequently associated with him. Speaking of Atlanta, that brings us to this offseason. Falcons owner Arthur Blank offered Bill a blank check to take over that troubled franchise. Again, he turned them down. The Redskins also had a coaching vacancy and you better believe Danny Snyder would’ve opened his wallet for Bill if given the opportunity. Obviously if money were the issue, Cowher has had ample chances to, as the kids say, make the chedda.

Which brings us to the main reason why you won’t see The Chin roaming the field in the Lone Star state. Control. Bill Cowher is as headstrong a coach as you’ll find. He’s extremely demanding and extremely controlling. He’s far more Bill Parcells than Wade Phillips and everybody knows Parcells got fed up and left. If you want a caretaker to just make in-game decisions, then Cowher is not your guy.

Director of Player Personnel Tom Donohoe was run out of town because he butted heads with Coach Cowher. In Cowher’s first training camp, Huey Richardson, who had been the 15^th overall pick in the NFL Draft the previous season, demonstrated a total lack of football ability so Cowher cut him. One of the big issues during his last couple seasons was the increased authority of Dan Rooney’s son, Art III, in the organization. Where Dan leaves the team to his coaches, Art III is supposedly more involved which rubbed Bill the wrong way. In his farewell press conference, the heat between them was obvious as he specifically praised working with Dan but ignored Art, who was standing right next to him.

For this reason alone, I can’t possibly see how he’d get along with the Cowboys’ obnoxious overbearing doofus of an owner. If anybody missed HBO’s “Hard Knocks” show this year, I’ll give you a quick synopsis: Jerry Jones evaluating players. Jerry Jones making draft decisions. Jerry Jones at training camp. Jerry Jones meeting with coaches to discuss game plans. Jerry Jones giving his players motivational speeches in the locker room. See the problem yet?

Not to mention, Cowher likes blue collar hard edge football players. He hates prima donnas and crybabies. Before the AFC Championship game where San Diego upset the heavily favored Steelers, a bunch of players planned out a Super Bowl Shuffle type video. When we lost because we took our eye off the ball, Cowher was very upset with the players to the point he ran the ringleader of the video, Brentson Buckner, off the team. Wonder how he’d react to Tony Romo taking his bimbo to Cabo? One reason why they made no effort to retain Plaxico Burress was because Cowher had enough of his big mouth, criminal antics, and tendency to miss games over every broken fingernail. I’m sure he’d love T.O.

If Bill Cowher returns to the NFL, it’ll be in a situation similar to Mike Holmgren in Seattle. Total control over a team without any meddlesome input from an owner. And that will not happen in Dallas. So, sorry Cowboy fans, but NO BILL FOR YOU!

(Image courtesy of One From The Other Thumb)

Today, at approximately four o’clock in the afternoon, football season officially begins in western Pennsylvania. No longer will Pittsburgh have to suffer through yet another season of pitiful baseball, lousy management, and idiotic trades by our inept Pirates. Tucked safely along the rolling hills of Westmoreland County, the Pittsburgh Steelers will convene their 42nd training camp as the eyes of the Burgh’s true sports fans turn to their one true major league franchise. Until the Penguins drop the puck in Sweden at least.

Sure, the preseason is more or less a sham. A cheap ploy designed to give greedy owners four more games with which to line their pockets. And yes, the first real meaningful game won’t take place for more than a month. But that doesn’t matter to the members of Steeler Nation. We take our football seriously.

How serious, you may ask? Seriously enough that not dozens, not hundreds, but thousands of people will make a pilgrimage to Latrobe in order to stand around in 90 degree heat and watch sweaty behemoths do sit-ups. The preseason is usually a long-winded way of deciding who is going to be a team’s 5th receiver or what undrafted rookie will make it as a special teamer. The crazy thing about Steeler fans is we actually care about such things.

This will be Mike Tomlin’s second training camp as head coach. Let’s hope his decision making process has improved this year as he made several choices last year which turned out badly as the year played out. He decided that FB Carey Davis would supplant Dan Kreider, long considered one of the best blocking fullbacks in the league. His reasoning was Davis was more athletic and could catch the ball out of the backfield, which is great except Davis went on to catch a whopping total of 12 passes. Tomlin also claimed that good special teams would be one of his priorities and he’d work tirelessly to make sure we were solid in that area, even going so far as trading a draft pick for KR Allen “Fair Catch” Rossum. This resulted in the Steelers having one of the worst special teams units in the NFL.

The major undercurrent to this season is, of course, the very real possibility it will be the last under the ownership of the Rooney family. The Post-Gazette recently published an embarrassing article agreeing with Tomlin’s statement that the ownership situation might be “a distraction” to the players. Are they serious? That is the most laughable bit of excuse making I’ve ever heard. We all know the Pittsburgh media is in bed with the Steelers but at least try to be reasonable. If Big Ben launches a bomb down the sideline to a streaking Santonio Holmes, I very much doubt the ball will slip through his arms because he’s worried about who’ll sign his checks next year. I don’t think Mike Tomlin’s ability to analyze game tape on Tuesday morning will suffer because he’s depressed over strife in the Rooney family.

A few other notes of interest:

–Diane Battiste Zinkham passed away at the age of 62. She was a major part of our cheerleading team, the Steelerettes, from 1961-70. Take note, Cowboy fans, the Steelers and the Cleveland Browns were the first two NFL teams with cheerleading squads. Which I guess means we were the first NFL team with attractive cheerleaders.

–Bret “Look at me! Look at me!” Favre is threatening to report to Green Bay Packers camp, whether they want him or not. He’s quickly turning into the Bill Murray character from the movie “What About Bob?”

–Pittsburgh native Jason “Twinkle Toes” Taylor was traded to the Washington Redskins.

–Top draft picks Rashard Mendenhall and Limas Sweed are signed, sealed and delivered. Sweed has a four year deal for some undisclosed amount. Mendenhall is inked for five years/$12.55 million. He’ll likely use some of that money to replace the cell phone and Rolex that got jacked when he was mugged up in Chicago.

–Finally, also on the sad news front, Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch lost his battle with cancer at the age of 47. This doesn’t have much to do with football, although one of his final wishes was granted when the Steelers invited him to participate in training camp last year. I am a CMU graduate and although I didn’t have any classes with Professor Pausch, I recall reading about him and his accomplishments while there. That he inspired so many people during his remaining years is something nobody should ever forget.

Hope everybody had a nice Thanksgiving. Our yearly gathering to feast on the finest genetically mutated bird meat money can buy was the usual well-attended affair. I come from a big family (in both number and poundage) with greatly varied tastes so we’ve found it best to cover all the bases in one fowl swoop. Thank you, John Madden, for cluing us in to this wonder of modern science. If it wasn’t for your constant pimping of the turducken on Thanksgiving football, I can only imagine the yearly chaos we’d have at the dinner table. Well, now that our appetite for bird has been satisfied, let’s turn to our appetite for pigskin in this super-special abbreviated edition of the Highway To Ham Turducken.

Saints over Panthers – Cheer up, Panther fans, only 30 shopping days left until Christmas. All these pathetic performances will ensure you find a Bill Cowher under your tree.

Giants over Vikings – I can’t figure out the Giants. Are they the team that won six in a row or the team that got a 45 dropped on them by Dallas and barely squeaked by the Dolphins?

Redskins over Buccaneers – Jason Campbell is a damn fine quarterback. Too bad he plays for the Redskins.

Broncos over Bears – The Broncos have one of the worst rush defenses in the league. Unfortunately, the Bears have Cedric Benson, who went to the Rashan Sallam School of “How to play running back for the Chicago Bears.”

Browns over Texans – The Ping Ponging Field Goal of Doom last week has me convinced the Browns are a team of destiny.

Jaguars over Bills – HOW COULD THE PATS RUN UP THE SCORE ON KEVIN EVERETT APPRECIATION NIGHT??? BELICHEK IS TRULY THE ANTICHRIST!!!

Rams over Seahawks – The “real” Rams have finally bothered to show up after laying a goose egg through the first half of the season.

Titans over Bengals - Pacman Jones reportedly got into a fight with fellow Titan Albert Haynesworth at a team function this past week. No word on whether he threw salt in his eyes and then smacked him over the head with a metal folding chair, though.

Cardinals over 49ers - One team can score. One team cannot. That is really all you need to know.

Chiefs over Raiders – Guess we all know why Damon Huard only got to play once every five years. Brodie Croyle provided a much-needed spark on offense last week. Although by far the most impressive thing about Croyle is his crazy hot wife.

Chargers over Ravens – The Ravens offense was on the field for a whopping 8 minutes in the entire first half against the mighty Cleveland Browns.  Gee, wonder how they’ll do against San Diego. Hope the Ravens D has been working on their cardio.

Patriots over Eagles – The only question is which will be higher at the end of the day: The Patriots’ score or Andy Reid’s upstanding young sons?