The Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers 15-6 in a game which redefined the term “ugly.”   Nothing about this contest was pleasant to look at.  The offense was ugly.  The injuries were ugly.  The food they showed was ugly.  The city skyline was ugly.  Even the cheerleaders looked like a bunch of skanks.

Where to even begin with this one?   I don’t mind having my blog overrun by mouth-breathing Philly fans, although I admit I’m surprised that so many know how to read and write (however poorly).   Beside the final score, I have no idea what they feel compelled to brag about.   Their team scored a whopping one touchdown.  If this is the kind of victory you are proud of, well, no wonder why your team has never won anything.

My original idea was to use this recap to illustrate why Steelers RB Willie Parker is superior to overrated Eagles scatback Brian Westbrook.  So much for the best laid plans…   Westbrook went down early in the game with some sort of sprained ankle and never returned.  These sort of soft and gutless players are another reason Philthydelphia is doomed to never win a championship.  Fast Willie did nothing to help my case, however, rushing for 20 yards on 13 carries.   Ouch.

The Steelers D played extremely well yet again.  They had some problems in the first half as even without Westbrook, the Eagles executed their inane dink-and-dunk strategy to perfection.  I said in my preview that Steeler LBs were going to struggle covering their RBs.  I gave our backers too much credit.   They didn’t struggle, they completely failed.  Only a fumble recovery and an interception off a terrible throw by QB Donovan McNabb prevented 14 points being put on the board.  CB Bryant McFadden was the man responsible for both those acquisitions as he had an excellent game in his 2nd career start.  S Troy Polamalu had an incredible pick (his third in three games) later on, thus pretty much establishing he’s back to his old Tasmanian Devil self.  D-coordinator Dick Lebeau made his usual intelligent halftime adjustments causing the Philly offense to sputter in the second half.

Unfortunately, the other Steeler coaches left their brains back in Pittsburgh.  QB Ben Roethlisberger at one point was sacked SIX TIMES on eight consecutive pass attempts.  He went down 8 times in total and was harassed, chased, and/or knocked down at least two dozen more.  Memo to Mike Tomlin:  When your QB is on his back more often than one of the Philly Cheerleaders, that would be the time to make some ADJUSTMENTS.

Perhaps we could’ve tried running the ball.  Parker’s scant 13 carries were spread out randomly over the entire game.  No concentrated effort was made to establish a ground attack.   Worse yet, rookie RB Rashard Mendenhall once again didn’t get any carries.  Why did we draft him if we’re just going to use him on kickoffs?  Nice pick, Tomlin.   Beyond that, we’re carrying three TEs on the roster.   If the Eagles are blitzing every other play (which they seemingly did), bring them out and go into a max protect formation.  The Steelers didn’t do this until late in the 3rd quarter, by which time Ben was beat up and out of synch.  Offensive Coordinator Bruce Arians must’ve watched the Monday Night tape and forgot he coaches the Steelers and not the Cowboys because he kept sending our receivers (specifically Nate Washington, who actually contributed a little something today) on deep patterns, even after it became clear Ben wasn’t getting the time to look down the field.  Instead of cutting off the patterns or going to a three step drop, he just kept dialing up the same idiotic plays leading to the same Wile E. Coyote-esque results.

Needless to say, the play of our offensive linemen was atrocious, surrendering 9 sacks, terrible run blocking, non-existent pass-blocking, and a general lack of competence in every area.  RT Willie Colon allowed so much penetration he should change his name to Colonoscopy.  C Justin Hartwig blew a number of assignments and was treated like a human traffic cone all day.  I gave him a pass last week because Shaun Rodgers is a massive human being but if he needs double-team help every week, he’s useless to us.  RB Mewelde Moore and FB Carey Davis were no help at picking up blitzers, either.   The NFL is a copycat league and if word gets around about that, Ben better get used to waking up Monday morning with grass stains on his ass.

Speaking of Big Ben, the shitty offensive line doesn’t let him completely off the hook.  He was back to his old tricks of holding on to the ball for way too long in a vain and misguided attempt to make something out of nothing.   There is no dishonor in throwing the ball away so as not to get beheaded by an onrushing DT.  Several times he sidestepped the pressure or moved out of the pocket only to look downfield, then take another look, then one more look for good measure, then…get dumped to the turf for a sack.  Somehow, he’s never learned you only get 2-4 seconds to step up and let the ball go before somebody is on top of you.  His magical Flutie-esque escapes often lead to big plays but the opposite result, which we saw yesterday, leads to big losses, fumbles, and eventually a serious injury.

As bad as it is to lose to the Iggles, and believe me, having to read a week’s worth of comments by their mutant fans was painful enough, I’m more upset by the general direction of this team.  Everything clicked against the Texans but, c’mon, they’re the Texans.  Last week, we defeated the hapless 0-3 Browns but there were ominous warning signs such as the pressure Ben was under or the fact we only put up one TD.  This week we played one of the top Defensive Coordinators in the league and everything fell apart.   We’re in an extraordinarily bad division so we don’t have to abandon playoff hopes or anything like that.  However, unless this teams starts coming up with some answers for the questions we knew they were going to have about the offensive line, we’re going to be doomed to ultimate failure.   Ask any Philly sports fan how that feels, they know what it’s like.

When the Philadelphia Eagles made the surprise pick of Houston QB Kevin Kolb, it appeared that 2007 would be the end of the Donovan McNabb era. While McNabb has had a great career in Philly, it’s been filled with controversy and he has missed 15 games in the last three seasons due to injury.  In a story which will sound familiar to Steeler fans, McNabb repeatedly failed to advance his team past the NFC Championship game and then played poorly in his lone Super Bowl appearance, thus leading to questions about his ability to win the Big Game.

Last year, McNabb’s knee was healthy enough to play, but wasn’t healthy enough to make him feel comfortable early on. The Eagles were also not helped by the keen eye of former Redskins defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, who saw that the Eagles receivers struggled badly against corners who bumped off the line of scrimmage. The normally efficient Eagles offense wound up finishing 17th in points per game.

As the season progressed, McNabb got more and more comfortable with his knee, but it was still too late to turn things around and the offense was still inconsistent at best. They wound up winning the last three games of the year to turn in an 8-8 record.  Still, for all intents and purposes THIS season looks to be one last hurrah for head coach Andy Reid and McNabb as similar to the Favre/Rodgers situation in Green Bay, the trigger will have to be pulled on the Kolb era fairly soon.

STEELERS DEFENSE VS. EAGLES OFFENSE

McNabb’s game has changed over the years. He started out being the type of quarterback that could excel if he had the right receivers.  Now it seems like, while he could definitely use some receivers, it’s more important that the O-Line protect him because he’s become more accurate with the ball and better at reading defenses but doesn’t have the mobility he once did.  He doesn’t throw a lot of interceptions because when he misses his throws, he usually misses them low.

For all of the talk of Andy Reid relying on the running game more, the Eagles still threw the ball 58% of the time. In fact, Reid’s teams have thrown the ball an average of 57% of the time throughout his career, regardless of depth at WR. Here’s a look at the percentage of time the Eagles have thrown the ball during Reid’s tenure:

2007…………………… 58%
2006…………………… 57%
2005…………………… 63%
2004…………………… 59%
2003…………………… 54%
2002…………………… 53%
2001…………………… 56%
2000…………………… 59%
1999…………………… 53%

Those number can be slightly deceiving, however, as a big reason why the Eagles pass so much is that Reid is a big fan of the screen pass play which, for them, functions almost the same as a handoff would on another team.

The offense actually has not revolved around McNabb for awhile. Instead, it’s revolved around RB Brian Westbrook.  He’s not good enough to be a receiver and he’s not good enough to be a chain-moving running back but he’s athletic enough to do a little bit of both.  He’s the “real” Reggie Bush in that he does everything that Bush was expected to do coming out of college.

The key to curbing Westbrook’s effectiveness is to stick a cornerback on him or use multiple spies on him to follow him around the field.  As I said, Westbrook doesn’t excel in any one area but he’s a decent runner, a great screen receiver, and they even split him out at wide receiver, all of which creates match-up problems galore.  Last week, Steelers LB Mister Lamarr Woodley didn’t look very good when assigned to cover TE Kellen Winslow and he’s probably the fastest backer we got.  Lawrence Timmons has the raw athletic ability to be an intriguing spy but he doesn’t start.  I have no idea who defensive coordinator Dick Lebeau plans to use against him but he better have one helluva scheme cooked up or it’ll be a long day.

Beyond that, the Eagles feature a rather mediocre corps of receivers.  Kevin Curtis’ numbers are not as hot as they look on paper. He only had 80+ yards receiving in 3 games. Of course 221 of those yards came against an awful Lions defense, 121 yards came against the awful Jets defense, and 111 yards came against the Vikings, who also had a weak pass defense. He struggled heavily against teams with corners who could play the bump and run like Washington, where he only had 7 catches for 48 yards in both games against the Skins. Reggie Brown wasn’t any better against the bump and run. So what Reid did was load the receivers up on one side and force the opposing defense to play more zone coverage. While that may seem like a nice solution, it makes the offense pretty one dimensional.  Class Dunce DeSean Jackson can stretch the field and return punts. However, Jackson lacks size and is a big enough moron that some clever work from wily vets like CB Ike Taylor and Troy Polamalu should keep him fairly quiet.

STEELERS OFFENSE VS EAGLES DEFENSE

Philly employs a 4-3 scheme that is designed to play a variety of coverage packages, so they are very typical of a lot of 4-3 schemes in that they go after speed and sacrifice size to get that speed. They usually play Cover shells 1-3 and d-coordinator Jim Johnson is one of the at best throwing blitzes, stunts, and twists at you until the cows come home.  Because they rely on quicks instead of beef, they are very reliant on having depth up front.  Even with all of their starters in place, if the backups are weak this defense can struggle. That’s why the Eagles draft a defensive tackle just about every year and go after players like Darren Howard (who can play both DE and DT) and Chris Clemons (who can play LB and DE).

Trent Cole is the gem of the defensive line as he’s electric on the field. He’s a bit like the Giants’ Osi Umenyiora in that he’s weaker against the run than going after the passer, so good run blocking offensive tackles can give him problems. Also like Umenyiora, he’ll have these games where he’s absolutely on fire and looks like the best defensive end in football.  They’ll rotate the other DTs heavily and look out for rookie Trevor Laws, who was one of the lone standouts last year at Notre Dame.

QB Ben Roethlisberger is hurting.  Nobody knows how badly, especially not Andrea Kramer.  The best medicine for what ails him would be feeding a steady diet of Fast Willie Parker to the Eagles.  There should definitely be running room and nothing would be better than 30+ carries for Willie and only 15 pass attempts or so for Ben.  Hopefully Tomlin will let RB Rashard Mendenhall out of the dog house so he can chip in with a few carries, as well.

The Eagles only finished with 11 interceptions last year.  The Eagles stress turnovers more than most defenses because they are trying to get off the field as quickly as possible. They planned to trade Lito Sheppard this offseason but he’s still there, along with future starter Sheldon Brown. They also signed free agent Asante Samuel who has had 16 picks over the last two seasons. Samuel was tremendous in 2006 so they threw at him a little less in 2007 which explains while he had a decent passes defended %, he only had six picks. The Eagles like to play a little more man-to-man than Samuel played in New England so he may have some difficulty making that transition but will nevertheless continue his ball-hawking ways.  None of these guys looked particularly impressive last Monday as the Cowboys went up and down the field like they were playing Madden Football ’08.   If Ben’s sore shoulder can hold up, there should be plays there to be made.

The Eagles are a strange team because once you think you know how well they will play, they go out and do the exact opposite. For years I thought the Eagles were doomed after watching teams destroy them by running the ball against the defense and negating their blitz. But the Eagles wound up winning and winning.  When it appeared the Eagles defense was going to be unstoppable (i.e. 2005), they played lousy and all of the flaws in Andy Reid’s game plan became apparent.  They crushed a hapless Rams team in week 1 and gave the mighty Cowboys a competitive game last Monday night.  They definitely have the firepower to give the Steelers fits but their lack of quality talent on defense is going to make things difficult when they play good teams.  If the Steeler line can impose their will in the running game and the defense can keep them in third-and-long situations, those might just be the keys to a victory.

Before the season started, I developed this theory known as the “Fab Four.” Basically, since 2000 there have been 28 teams that have made the playoffs despite having a losing record the previous season. In fact, since 2000, four teams a year have made the playoffs despite a losing record the prior season, except for 2001 (3 teams) and 2002 (5 teams). It’s pretty much a given that four playoff teams each year will make the playoffs despite a losing record the season beforehand. However, there was a caveat to this year. In 2006 there were only 12 teams with a losing record. Thus, I believed that it was less likely the “Fab Four” would happen this year and modified my theory to predict 3 teams with losing records in 2006 would make the playoffs this year. I chose Tampa Bay, Houston, and San Francisco to accomplish this feat.

I bring this up because, as you can see, I was 1 for 3. This level of Prognostication Proficiency is about how well I did on the Highway to Ham. For the newer readers, the Highway to Ham is a group of about two dozen of us at work who compete in a weekly not-for-profit football poll where the cumulative results are tallied at the end of the season and the victor is awarded a trophy in the form of a Jack Ham rookie card. Needless to say, if you bet your college education funds according to my picks, I hope you enjoy your upcoming semester at Allegheny Community College.

Still, since the Steelers have lamentably been bounced from the post season tournament, I figured I might as well chip in with a few picks for this week’s Divisional Playoff games.

Patriots over Jaguars – The Jags were exposed more last week than Britney’s crotch was in 2007. Jacksonville is a great running team with a mediocre quarterback and suspect secondary. Not exactly the recipe for beating the Patriots. Bill Belichick’s deal with Satan ensures them at least a shot at 18-0 next week.

Colts over Chargers – I’m tempted to take the Bolts here since Peyton Manning has a history of struggling in first-round playoff games and the team has to shake off the rust of not playing any meaningful football for almost three weeks. However, I just can’t ride with Phillip Rivers, who’s only consistency is his tendency to be wildly inconsistent. Where would San Diego be if they had taken Ben Roethlisberger or decided to keep Drew Brees?

Packers over Seapigeons – You see, Bret Farve is the greatest player ever in the history of football, sports, pretty much any athletic competition there is, was, or ever will be. Bah gawd, Brett Farve will chuck that pigskin because if anyone could make a pass like that, it is the one and only Bret Farve. Did I mention that Bret Farve is the greatest quarterback ever and he, and only he alone, is capable of going out there with his gunslinger mentality and firing footballs into itty bitty spaces where other knock-kneed quarterbacks fear to tread? Plus, he’ll being throwing these passes at Lambeau Field, the greatest stadium ever, so it is inevitable his passes will be complete and go for many many touchdowns!

Just getting you warmed up for what you should expect to hear from the announcers this weekend. Verbally fellating Bret Favre has become our new national pastime.

New York Football Giants over Cowboys – Dallas QB Tony Romo made news this week for vacationing in Mexico with girlfriend Jessica Simpson. I think because of those two large yet perky distractions, the G-Men will be able to pull off the upset. Plus, Dallas has already beaten the Giants twice this year. Call it a case of tit for tat.

Hope everybody had a nice Thanksgiving. Our yearly gathering to feast on the finest genetically mutated bird meat money can buy was the usual well-attended affair. I come from a big family (in both number and poundage) with greatly varied tastes so we’ve found it best to cover all the bases in one fowl swoop. Thank you, John Madden, for cluing us in to this wonder of modern science. If it wasn’t for your constant pimping of the turducken on Thanksgiving football, I can only imagine the yearly chaos we’d have at the dinner table. Well, now that our appetite for bird has been satisfied, let’s turn to our appetite for pigskin in this super-special abbreviated edition of the Highway To Ham Turducken.

Saints over Panthers – Cheer up, Panther fans, only 30 shopping days left until Christmas. All these pathetic performances will ensure you find a Bill Cowher under your tree.

Giants over Vikings – I can’t figure out the Giants. Are they the team that won six in a row or the team that got a 45 dropped on them by Dallas and barely squeaked by the Dolphins?

Redskins over Buccaneers – Jason Campbell is a damn fine quarterback. Too bad he plays for the Redskins.

Broncos over Bears – The Broncos have one of the worst rush defenses in the league. Unfortunately, the Bears have Cedric Benson, who went to the Rashan Sallam School of “How to play running back for the Chicago Bears.”

Browns over Texans – The Ping Ponging Field Goal of Doom last week has me convinced the Browns are a team of destiny.

Jaguars over Bills – HOW COULD THE PATS RUN UP THE SCORE ON KEVIN EVERETT APPRECIATION NIGHT??? BELICHEK IS TRULY THE ANTICHRIST!!!

Rams over Seahawks – The “real” Rams have finally bothered to show up after laying a goose egg through the first half of the season.

Titans over Bengals - Pacman Jones reportedly got into a fight with fellow Titan Albert Haynesworth at a team function this past week. No word on whether he threw salt in his eyes and then smacked him over the head with a metal folding chair, though.

Cardinals over 49ers - One team can score. One team cannot. That is really all you need to know.

Chiefs over Raiders – Guess we all know why Damon Huard only got to play once every five years. Brodie Croyle provided a much-needed spark on offense last week. Although by far the most impressive thing about Croyle is his crazy hot wife.

Chargers over Ravens – The Ravens offense was on the field for a whopping 8 minutes in the entire first half against the mighty Cleveland Browns.  Gee, wonder how they’ll do against San Diego. Hope the Ravens D has been working on their cardio.

Patriots over Eagles – The only question is which will be higher at the end of the day: The Patriots’ score or Andy Reid’s upstanding young sons?

Welcome to the first installment of the Highway To Ham. This will be my weekly segment where I talk a little about this week’s games, share my insights, and give you my picks. Hey, every NFL show does it, why shouldn’t we? Besides, I’m currently way ahead of Dan Marino on the “Beat The Hosts” website so I believe my system works. Watch out Collingsworth, I’m on your ass!

As a note, the column is called “Highway To Ham” because my friends and I at work run our very own inter-office *ahem* not-for-profit betting pool. In addition to *ahem* no profit, the overall winner at the end of the year receives an autographed Jack Ham rookie card. How’s that for a trophy?

On to the picks:

Bucs over Cards – The two-headed QB monster Wisenhunt concocted was stupid. Leinart had mostly looked awful while Warner was looking like his old 1999-with-the-Rams self. Then Leinart went down and Warner went back to being his post-2000 self. The Bucs pass defense hasn’t looked good this year but Garcia is a warrior and I don’t see him letting the Bucs lose three in a row.

Titans over Panthers – I think it’s kind of funny that the most respect that Vinny Testeverde has gotten from fans his entire career is for his ability to come off the couch and still play at his age. *Sigh* I remember the good old days when he was one of the most despised QBs (even by his own fans) in the history of football. Tennessee wins ugly, but they win.

Lions over Broncos – Lions QB John Kitna attended the team’s annual Halloween Party dressed as Joe Cullen. Cullen, you may recall, was the O-line coach who got suspended by the league for going through a McDonald’s drive-thru while not wearing any pants (I suppose there’s a “Special Sauce” joke to be made here but I’ll refrain in the name of good taste). This officially makes Kitna the Coolest Man Alive. His costume sure beats the hell out of this guy’s mediocre effort. Where’s the spit, the drool, the slobber?

Bengals over Bills – The aptly named J.P. Losman gets the start for the Bills this week. It amazes me how some teams spend years and years “grooming” quarterbacks who never accomplish anything. How long was Tom Brady groomed? How about Ben? If you don’t win early, you’re never gonna win.

Chargers over Vikings – Adrian Peterson might as well start signing his checks “Rookie of the Year” right now. Unfortunately, he’s all the Vikings have. And San Diego is pretty good at stopping the run. If AP is on your fantasy team, prepare to be disappointed.

49ers over Falcons – Ladies and gentlemen, Trent Dilfer blows. He’s blown in the past and he will continue to blow in the future. He was saved from Rex Grossmanism by one season, where he still blew, but because the team around him was unbelievable (Priest Holmes was a freaking backup, for crying out loud), people still say things like “he’s a pretty good backup to have on your team.” No, he blows. Thankfully, Alex Smith is starting for the Niners this week.

Redskins over Jets – Kellen Clemens starts for the Jets this week so now the only question in NY will be “Does Pennington have the arm strength to hold his clipboard?” The ‘Skins will be angry after last week’s pasting by the Pats so this one might get ugly.

Packers over Chiefs – I like Bret Favre and all but after last Monday night, I hope they never show another Green Bay game as long as Favre is there. It’s like they’re trying to make me hate him with the endless praise and the Deanna Favre love poem that almost sent me into a diabetic coma. I think I threw up in my mouth a little when Berman said a few Sundays ago, “You can’t hate Brett Favre, it’s like hating America!” Well, I love America. I love apple pie. I even voted for Lynn Swann. So I’m picking the Pack.

Jaguars over Saints – Quinn Gray is undefeated as a starting quarterback in the NFL. I’m riding that horse until it drops.

Browns over SeaPigeons – Derek Anderson should change his name to Peyton Brady because he’s the best QB in the league outside of the Big Two. The SeaPigeons start Charlie Frye, who the Steelers slapped around and ran out of town in week one. Besides, as much as I hate Cleveland, I love seeing Holgrem lose.

Raiders over Texans– The Matt Schaub Lovefest is over in Houston. The Daunte Culpepper Abusive Relationship is over in Oakland. Since Josh McKown is better than Sage Rosenfels, I’ll go with the Raiders.

Cowboys over Eagles – The judge in one of the drug arrests of Andy Reid’s two boys described the Reid household as “a drug emporium.” I am shocked, SHOCKED I SAY, that two fine young men like the Reid brood could get mixed up in such unsavory business as smack and cocaine while living in such a fine, clean, friendly, safe, family-oriented city as Philadelphia.

And that’s it for…oh wait. I think there’s one more game this week.

SUPER BOWL XLI ½

Colts over Patriots – This one is impossible to pick so I’m forced to consider the intangibles. Tom Brady used to date actress Bridget Moynahan. Peyton Manning used to date country-western singer Kenny Chesney. Advantage: Pats. Tony Dungy used to be a Pittsburgh Steeler. Bill Belichek used to be a documentary filmmaker. Advantage: Colts. I say flip a coin and take your pick. Just remember to take the over.